Estranged from dd, how do I get access?

[TwoTribes]

It's not actually me, it's my sister, I'm posting on her behalf. She divorced last year and her 12 year old dd who was living with her is now living with her ex (dds biological dad).

Dd wants nothing to do with dsis, will not visit or speak to her on the phone. Is dsis entitled to see her dd? Does the dd have to meet her and does her ex have to make sure that dd attends the meetings?

Dsis has a solicitor but can't afford more advice. She is really struggling and starting to feel like she doesn't have the strength to fight. If she does fight, does she stand a chance of getting access, or will it be a waste of money? That's what she wants to know.

I would really appreciate any advice as I think she should never, ever give up trying to see her dd. Thanks.

I would try going to the courts to see her daughter, you don't have to spend alot of money here. She should keep writing to her daughter and the rest of the family should keep in touch.
What the extended family shouldn't do is make their letters to the girl all about her mum and how upset her mum is. No emotional blackmail or guilt tripping, just "this is what I am up to, hope you are well it would be nice to keep in touch".
Similarly your sister shouldn't be telling her daughter about how upset she is at not seeing her daughter and make it seem as though she is wanting her back for her own selfish reasons. Saying she misses her daughter is fine, talking about stuff she'd like to do with her daughter if they meet up is fine, pages of "poor me I can't stop crying" isn't fine.
In general if she has had a good relationship with her daughter for the past 12 years and doesn't pile on the melodrama and emotional blackmail this should work out OK.
Daughter will come to realise that her dad isn't an ideal parent any more than her mum was and will come to miss her mum.
My husband had a similar problem with my stepdaughter at about this age, but kept in touch kept writing to her, sending her birthday presents etc and now in her late teens things between them are fine. She stopped wanting to see my husband's side of the family as well, but the inlaws didn't help by wittering on about how much her dad was missing her and how angry they were with her mum when they did see her.

here are a couple of links re children estranged from a parent which may be helpful?

Children's legal centre

and this one, which is written by a S African lawyer so may not be applicable but it is interesting to see what s/he has to say?

I'd also suggest you post in legal as there are some good family lawyers on there who should be able to give your sister some pointers.

Where are you OP? You seem to have vanished..

She has contacted me!

I had a lovely chat on the phone, she says she is fine and happy with her dad. I took everyone's advice and didn't ask about her mum, just let her know that my family are there for her as always and that we all love her.

She has given me her new mobile number and we have agreed we'll keep in touch.

springy thanks for those links, I am passing all info on to my dsis.

She is feeling more positive now and hopeful that, with time, she will be reconciled with her dd, even if they don't live together.

I have also stressed how important it is that dsis and her ex try to agree a parenting strategy, so that her dd does not try to play them off against each other in the future. Not sure if this will be possible because they really don't communicate well, but I will encourage her to pursue something like mediation. At the moment, her ex has said he won't go to mediation but hopefully she can persuade him otherwise.

Thanks again, everyone for your input.

twotribes, if your dsis issues an application for contact through the court (which i suggest she does, it will give a clear message to dd that she will do anything for her, and will fight to see her) then the parties must try mediation first unless there are very good grounds not to (such as distance apart, domestic violence history etc)

your dsis does not need t have a solicitor, it is a fairly simple case, CAFCASS will be involved, and if it ever gets to the point where she wishes to go against the CAFCASS report, or her ex refuses to go along with the CAFCASS report, and the matter goes to final hearing, she can instruct a lawyer just for that bit, if indeed, she feels the need.

I really hope she acts soon though, because in the eyes of the law the closer a chld gets to the age of 16, the less the courts (or CAFCASS) will expect them to do anything they dont want to do - at 12 there is still hope that CAFCASS will make the deciaon for your neice as to what is in her best interests.

oh that's good news OP

very tough on your sister (tell her I know how she feels ) . I hope she gets some success somehow.

I can't help feeling that there's something fishy about the dad though.....

I think it's great she's talking to you again and that she sounds happy.