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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband drinking, causes him to "mess" himself - what can I do??

27 replies

mumandtwo · 18/05/2012 11:39

This is a problem my friend is having with her husband and she's not on mumsnet, so I said I would ask advice for her. (I am happily divorced!)

They are both mid 40's and have 4 children aged between 20 and 9yrs old. Her husband doesn't drink all the time, but when he does,he doesn't know when to stop. He will go out, sometimes for most of the night and come back virtually unable to walk or speak. She makes him sleep on the sofa when he's like this (understandably!), and many, many times, he has wet himself and soiled himself.
This has happened again last night and my friend is very angry and upset and doesn't know what to do anymore. He is also quite overweight and will binge eat. He has tried to lose weight several times, she told me this morning that he once had tablets from the doc that help you to lose the fat from your body, so he would take them and then eat loads of chocolate.
I don't know what to advise her. She gets angry at him and he won't talk about it. This has been going on, on and off for a few years. In between they get on really well and have some lovely family times together. It's such a shame as he is a really lovely bloke and I know they do love each other and their kids are great, but she is very worried about the state he gets into and the inability to get to the toilet. Has anyone had similar experiences to this? any advice I can pass on would be great...... but please not advice to divorce him etc as this isn't what she is looking for! Thanks in advance....

OP posts:

LadyBabsFlashesHerFanjo · 18/05/2012 11:48

My ex used to wet the bed when pissed I really hated it, I have no advice, but you asked if anyone has similar experiences.

I just used to kick him to wake him up and make him sort the bed out.

It really is horrible, I just don't think there's much you can do about it, if he's that drunk he's not going to wake up when he needs to go to the toilet he's going to go there and then.

fluffiphlox · 18/05/2012 11:52

He sounds like an unhappy man. Drinking to excess, eating to excess etc. He needs help of a psychological nature. Not much of an example to their children, though is he, as much as he might love them?

MaisyMooCow · 18/05/2012 11:55

Maybe he needs to seek help for the drinking. Find out why he feels the need to drink to excess rather than limit his intake. Perhaps guiding down them down that route to begin with might help.

I think perhaps the reason he won't talk about it is that he's embarrassed. Either that or he doesn't actually give two hoots about the situation.

headfairy · 18/05/2012 11:58

I don't think the problem is with your friend's husbands drinking. He sounds like he has deep down problems, emotional or psychological problems. He cannot control certain urges, to over eat or to over drink. I think he might need some sort of counselling.

klaxon · 18/05/2012 12:04

First of all get a decent waterproof mattress protector so the mattress isn't ruined and tell her to fold the corners inwards when removing it (catches the poo) take to washing machine and then invert so poo comes out into machine before washing.

Second, it's quite common for people with alcoholism to end up with fecal and urinary incontinence. Partly it's about what they eat when they are pissed. Some people seem to think that a high fat meat based diet will go well when three sheets to the wind Whereas actually it barrels through them because their body is so busy coping with the alcohol a curry or a kebab is just too much.

Thirdly, obviously it would be better to get medical help to quit drinking than continue, but if that can't happen for any reason, it is worth the partner learning the signs of chronic liver disease and also when the drinker needs taking to the hospital (it happens) so she doesn't just think 'oh shit he's had a binge, he'll sleep it off'. A good first step btw would be to talk to a GP about her concerns and see if the GP will make an appt with him for a 'health review' which her DH should have regularly anyway. The drinker is often in denial but he can often have his conscience awakened by a qualified medical professional pointing out the damage he's doing.

Finally please give your friend a big hug, it's v hard to admit that this is happening within a family and even harder to work on a solution.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2012 12:05

I'd say that catalogue of problems, in an otherwise 'nice bloke' could be symptomatic of depression or stress. He may need some kind of psychological treatment as well as proper help with his weight and lifestyle. Or it could simply be that his unhealthy lifestyle and problems with alcohol abuse are the cause. Difficult to say

Your post suggests that she's willing to help him. She has to be careful not to confuse 'caring' with 'enabling'. If he won't talk about his problems, she may have to take a tough stance e.g. threatening to leave, unless he agrees to admit there's a problem, get some help and make changes.

shuffara · 18/05/2012 12:06

He has a drink problem and needs to stop. Easier said than done I know

cestlavielife · 18/05/2012 12:11

she can start by asking him to book a hotel when he goes out and by not allowing him back in house when he been drinking. make him ake repsonsibility.

girliefriend · 18/05/2012 12:13

He needs to stop drinking and if waking up in a puddle of piss and shit isn't enough of a deterrant then what will it take? His wife needs to confront this and I wouldn't personally put up with it. He either needs to acknowledge the problem and talk to his G.P or get some counselling or she should tell him the relationship will not survive if something doesn't change.

rockinhippy · 18/05/2012 12:13

This is actually a form of alcoholism he is a "Social Alcoholic" & needs to see that for what it is - tell her to speak to AA & get advice from them

I've been through this a little with my own DH - though his trick was throwing up & missing the loo & not clearing up properly as too drunk - my own DH wouldn't have it that makes him an alcoholic, as far as he's concerned he was letting his hair down after a hard week at work - fine but know where to draw the line

Thankfully with mine, literature etc that showed his problem for what it truly was & the promise that I would be kicking him out & restricting his access to DD if he didn't buck his ideas up made him sense & he is now MUCH better & comes home when he knows he's hit his limit - but she will need to be tough, pussy footing around won't work, he needs to know she means business

scarletforya · 18/05/2012 12:14

Total deal breaker I'm afraid. Bad enough that he's done it once, but he continues to drink even though he knows he shits and pisses himself. No. That is intolerable. He obviously has nothing but utter contempt for the woman and no respect for himself.

Getting on well in between is not enough to cancel out the horror of what he is doing and planning on continuing doing as well. (his refusal to acknowledge it means he has no plans to stop)

It's too disgusting and distressing, tell her to stop enabling him and throw him out. Thee poor kids, Dads on the couch pissed and covered in shit again. Eurgh, I would lose my mind.

Original poster

mumandtwo · 18/05/2012 12:21

Thanks everyone, it's all very helpful, especially Klaxon! My friend is coming round about 2pm, so I might show her the messages and definately give her a big hug!
I think that he does have a deeper rooted problem, but you know how men like to talk about their feelings (not), so it's hard to go for counselling. But I think the first step would probably be for her to seek medical help, a "health "check" is a good idea.
I am new to mumsnet and this is the second thing I have posted. The first thing was a problem i was having and I found the advice given very helpful, I hope my friend does too!

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Original poster

mumandtwo · 18/05/2012 12:26

Rockinhippy, you're right, pussyfooting around won't help, she needs to be tough now. What literature did you show him? was it stuff from AA?

OP posts:

headfairy · 18/05/2012 12:29

Tell your friend that my dh used to do exactly the same, it only happened once or twice a year, but he'd get so drunk he couldn't speak, didn't know his own address, would vomit everywhere and lose entire weekends to his hangover. I videoed him a few times to show him and he was utterly ashamed. Initially it didn't stop him but having the dcs made the difference for him. If your friend's dh isn't motivated by the desire to do something good for his family then I suggest he's in quite a dark place and needs lots of help and support.

tiktok · 18/05/2012 12:32

This has happened to a couple (with children) in my extended family - it's vile, horrible and disrespectful. First practical thing is not to clean up after him. That is his responsibility. If it means the kids can't use the room where the shitty sofa is until he cleans up, then so be it. Cleaning up for him and hiding the problem (because of embarrassment and shame) is enabling the problem to continue.

Original poster

mumandtwo · 18/05/2012 12:44

headfairy, what does "dcs" mean? sorry, new to mumsnet!!

OP posts:

headfairy · 18/05/2012 12:46

dcs = Dear children. Our kids :o

Original poster

mumandtwo · 18/05/2012 12:56

Thanks! videoing him might be a good idea actually, I'll pass that on..

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rockinhippy · 18/05/2012 13:00

I downloaded some stuff from the internet, but he was still being dismissive of the idea that he had a problem drinking when out, as he can contol himself when out with me.

I found a busy Alcoholics forum & posted his antics on there & asked for their opinion - I deliberately kept my post none inflammatory so that DH couldn't say I was inviting the response I wanted - it was good, because I found recovering alcoholics are VERY tough on drinkers & pull no punches

I then let him read the thread - he was visibly sickened & was then open to listening, he even offered to go to AA meeting, which at that stage I didn't feel was needed & as I say, we've never looked back

I can't remember the website, but will check if its still bookmarked & will come back with a link, if not poke around the internet & you'll soon find something - your friend could post from your computer & maybe print of the thread for her DH

rockinhippy · 18/05/2012 13:01

Oh, yes, videoing works wonders too - I also did that with my DH & (being the flaky hippy I am) I also wrote him a pretty hard hitting poem

rockinhippy · 18/05/2012 13:04

& I also agree with not cleaning up after him - cleaning up his own puke or shite with a hangover will do him the world of good - especially if she is standing over him nagging at him about what a disgrace he is & what kind of father leaves that mess around with DCs in the house

Original poster

mumandtwo · 18/05/2012 13:08

Thanks rockinhippy! the alcoholics forum idea is agood one, I'll pass that on, maybe that would shock him into changing what he's doing...... Have a good day!

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moogalicious · 18/05/2012 13:09

tell her to fold the corners in Surely he would be cleaning up his own shit.