Would you take elderly confused mother to dad's funeral ?

[Lousylo66]

In a real dilemma about this as I have been given conflicting advice and just want to do the right thing for all concerned.
My 82 year old father passed away last Friday, suddenly but not entirely unexpectedly. For the last few years he had been the main carer for my equally elderly but confused mother who has vascular dementia. Like many of his generation he rejected any assistance from social services, preferring to struggle on alone with my increasingly erratic, often belligerent mum. I help as much as poss but live 1 1/2 hrs away, have 2 young children, and also work. Mum unfortunately has no insight into her condition and insists she's just like any other woman of her age, despite intermittently failing to recognise myself or my dp of 20 odd yrs. Dad was understandably depressed but also becoming very physically frail, mum oblivious.
2 weeks ago dad was found collapsed on floor of bathroom by a member of the post hospital discharge intermediate care team, breathless and very blue, mum downstairs sulking over some imagined slight. He was rushed into hospital and mum went into emergency respite care where she is currently reasonably settled. I
informed her as gently as possible about dad's death
and she was obviously distraught and tearful but within
10 mins had forgotten what I had told her despite the
enormity of it. This continued for the rest of the visit.
The nursing staff were concerned that whenever they
reminded her, she was essentially reliving the
experience anew each time so in the end stopped
mentioning it. I have visited her each day since and she
has yet to remember what I have said. Various relatives and members of the care team have now
suggested that to take her to the funeral would completely disorientate her and poss accelerate her
decline.
I'm really at loss about what do although initially I had no doubts about taking her. I just suspect that she'll either be devastated and inconsolable at suddenly seeing husbands coffin or be completely bemused about being there. Any advice or opinions would be so welcome, thanks louise

Anybody have any experience of this kind of situation ?
My gut reaction would be to take her, in fact never really had any doubt about it, but now I'm not convinced

 The day following his death

Sorry about bottom few lines not making sense ! Dratted i phone !

So sorry about your Dad. This is a really tough one and I've never been in your position, but having cared for a grandfather with dementia before he died, I would say take her.

If your mum's anything like my dgf was, even when I thought he was completely gone, he still had occassional flashes of understanding that would surprise and shock me (I lived with him, but never would have known otherwise).

I also worry that you may feel guilty afterwards if you don't take her.

I am very sorry for your loss which, given the circumstances, has no doubt been especially distressing for you.

As your dm's short term memory is severely impaired, it would seem that her condition is advanced. If you were to decide to take her to her dh/your df's funeral it is probable that she will become disoriented at being taken out of her present surroundings, and she's unlikely to understand the proceedings or what she's doing there.

At best she may sit quietly through the service; at worst she may become querulous and disrupt it. While it may be comforting to think that she would become lucid and fully aware of her loss, the reality is that's little more than sentimental or wishful thinking as the chances of her regaining her faculties for longer than a few minutes, if that, are remote.

You have my heartfelt sympathy on this issue. It's akin to an ethical dilemma, and it occurs to me that you may be asking yourself what kind of daughter would you be if you didn't allow your dm to attend her dh's funeral?

IMO, you'd be an exceptionally caring dd who recognises that it isn't in your dm's best interests to attend and who is prepared to put her welfare and wellbeing above any criticism from misguided friends/relatives/neighbours that you may attract due to making the right decision for her.

If you heed the advice of the staff and others who are currently responsible for your dm's care I would suggest that you take photos of the hearse and, in particular, floral tributes and keep any 'in memoriam' attachments together with cards and letters of condolence so that you can show them to your dm in the event that she asks after her dh.

I hope you will take some consolation from the thought that your dear papa has gone ahead to greet your dm when the time comes and that he won't be at all concerned if your dm is not present to bid him a final adieu until they are reunited although, of course, if you do not believe in an afterlife such thoughts are rendered redundant.

So sorry for your loss.

Tbh I would take her. If she was well in mind, she would want to be there. She may well not remember, I doubt she will disrupt a short service, and you will be comforted that you did the right thing and took her to say goodbye.
It is very hard, I know.

I too am so sorry for your loss. Both my father and my father in law have vascular dementia, and are both in (different) care homes - my father's had it for 6 years - although neither is quite as severely affected as your mother sounds to be - so I do know what it's like dealing with this condition.
I suppose it partly depends whether she is still accustomed to going on outings otherwise - my father never leaves his care home except to go for medical visits, and finds any trip out unsettling and upsetting, and therefore we never bring him to our house, even for Christmas, because we know he wouldn't enjoy it; we go and see him there instead. In contrast, my father in law, who was the sort of person who loved Rotary meetings and so forth, responds very well to leaving his care home, and so when family members go and visit him, they usually take him out somewhere nearby, and he really pulls himself together for these trips. Even though they are both very different from their former selves, some remnants of their basic former personalities do still show in how they respond to things. I think this is one way in which vascular dementia is a bit easier to deal with than Altzheimer's, where the personality can alter so completely, although of course I can only speak from my own experience.
If it was me, I would take my father in law in the situation you describe, but I probably would not take my own father, because I think they would respond so differently to actually going to the funeral. If your mother has only just moved to the care home, you actually know her much better than the staff do, and they will to some extent be recommending the easiest option, because that's safer for them to suggest and because it will disrupt the status quo less. I don't really see how going to the funeral would make her decline more quickly, if she is quite likely to forget about it afterwards anyway. I don't think any of us can tell you what to do one way or the other, but if your gut feeling tells you that you should take her, I would listen to it very seriously. I think that deep down we do often know what the right thing to do is. I hope I don't offend by this comparison, but I am also a vet, and so I have many conversations with owners who are trying to decide whether the right time has come to say goodbye to a pet, which is obviously a different but still difficult and emotional ethical decision, and I find that those with a strong gut feeling about it, rather than a strong desire for one outcome, are pretty much always spot on about what to do.
I hope this helps a bit; I wish you the very best luck with the aftermath, too : (

I'm sorry about your father.
We faced this decision with my grandmother a couple of years ago. In the end we did take her to the funeral. I don't think she really knew what was going on for more than a few seconds at a time but she clearly knew it was something sad and wept throughout. She was fine again by the wake and just ate lots of eclairs. At the time, I wasn't sure we should have taken her. However for around 6 months afterwards she would ask where her husband was frequently. We always told her that, sadly, he had died, and she always asked whether she went to the funeral. She seemed content when we were able to say, truthfully, that she had. I think it would have really upset her to realise, even fleetingly, that she hadn't.
The post-script is that two years on and she rarely asks about my grandfather. The trauma does not seem to have accelerated her dementia, she has a new fancy-man and continues to enjoy a relatively good quality of life in an excellent carehome.
Good luck with your decision. I think we made the right one in her case but I agree with the advice to follow your gut instinct as obviouly every case is different.

take her but with a carer/someone else to be looking after her.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think I would follow the advice of the team involved in your mothers care unless you strongly belive otherwise.

Sorry for your loss, what a terrible situation to be in

Personally I would not take her as I think she would find it overwhelming

What is the funeral likely to be like? Large and busy, or a small family gathering?

I think that preserving the decorum of a funeral is less important, in the big scheme of things, than for your mother to be there to say goodbye. Both for your peace of mind and hers.

I would err towards taking her unless there are specific reasons why you think it would distress her considerably - e.g. if it's likely to be a big event with a lot of people maybe not aware of her actual condition.

Could you rope in a few very familiar family members to sit close, be with her and you, the kind of people who would help make the 'landscape' familiar and calming for her? - and to help you take her outside if she gets agitated?

Sorry for your loss.

We had a very similar decision with my Gran, about whether to take her to her sister's funeral. Her care team advised against it, so we didn't and I'm pretty sure it was the right decision. In my gran's case she would have found it very upsetting and confusing, without understanding what was happening.

I would probably not make a decision until fairly late on, and if she still hasn't understood the news I wouldn't take her.

If it was me I would take her.

Hi,
My mum sounds to be at a similar level of severity as yours. If it was me, I wouldn't take her as I think my mum would find it too distressing and I would feel it would be more for the benefit of others than for my mum to say goodbye. I feel for you in your dilemma though. Hope it goes ok whatever you choose.

my grandad passed away last year in his late 80s and his twin brother also in quite ill health (although not dementia) made the decision it would be too upsetting for him to attend his funeral.i was a bit surprised at the time but tbh i think he made the right decision - i agree with the other posters who have said listen to your mums carers advice.

so sorry for your loss too x

I don't think I'd take her either, as she might find it very distressing and then forget the event, but remember the distress iyswim which could last a long time.
ATM, my mum might remember what was going on, but would behave disruptively and inappropriatly, which wouldn't be fair on others.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, and wish you strength

I think each decision has to be made on the individual cicumstances, so am hesitant to offer advice.

Wer had a similar scenario with my great-grandparents, my grandfather had alzheimars. He wasn't taken to his wife's suneral, a decision made by his children. He frequently asked after her and again did go through the agony of reliving her death, we did wonder if going to the funeral and having photos etc would ave helped. Of course there is no way of knowing.

I think the advise to have a carer present as well is wise. I think that alot of comfort could be gained from knowing she was there even if she can't remember being there.

Lousylo66 I'm so sorry about your Dad.

Nan has Alzheimers. We find the fallout from taking her out of most familiar environment can last days and weeks. We avoid it wherever possible now. So we would not take her.

You may disagree with this but I wouldn't take her as her mental state is such that she has not yet absorbed that her husband has passed way.

However if, in the future, she asks if she went you might consider lying and saying that she did including some simple details such as it all went very well, lots of people said lovely things and the sun shone. If it gives her comfort and peace of mind why not?

I'm very very sorry for your loss and the consequences it has bought. My mum has a severe form of early onset alzheimers. She has no idea really who any of the family are and lives in a care home.

In our case I most definitely would not take her and I know my dad would understand. It would be too distressing for her and by default for me, selfish as that may sound. However I think your own needs are actually more important at this already hard time.

Could you ask the person taking the funeral whether they could hold a brief memorial with your mum at the care home before the main funeral?

Would you be the one looking after her at the funeral? It sounds awful, but I'd be more inclined to take her if someone else was looking after her, rather than you spending your dad's funeral worrying about her or dealing with her.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to answer my question and for providing such kind and thoughtful comments. At the moment am playing it by ear, will see how she is nearer the date and maybe ask manager of the home what she would do as apparently she's had quite a bit if experience in these matters :) There's no definitive solution I suppose, that's why it's so hard ! Unfortunately I am an only child so have no siblings to share burden with. 2 friends have offered to accompany me for moral support so may well take them up on it :) thanks Louise

Hi,

I think you are right to discuss this with the manager of the home.

I only have a a little experience (I am a carer in the community) and from my training and from what I have observed I think it could possibly do more harm than good, because she is settled and content in her present surroundings and taking her out of those surroundings would be upsetting for her, and also, any understanding about the loss of her husband would be even more upsetting and so, IMO, there isnt anything to be gained in taking her.

I am sorry for your loss and I wish you well...

So sorry to hear your loss.

Sounds a very similar situation to that of my grandparents. I the week between my Grandfather dying and the funeral we had to explain to my Nan every day why he wasn't visiting that time - each time it was like she had only just found out he was dead (this continued for a long time after :( )

As such we decided she wouldn't get any comfort out of the funeral, and she would have hated the idea of people seeing her as she was (the types who just come out for funerals IYSWIM)

I would certainly talk to the staff at the home as they have experience of such situations but I would do what you think is right for your Mum. Whatever you pick you will probably always wonder if it was the right thing unfortunately but all you can do is your best