Would you take elderly confused mother to dad's funeral ?

[Lousylo66]

In a real dilemma about this as I have been given conflicting advice and just want to do the right thing for all concerned.
My 82 year old father passed away last Friday, suddenly but not entirely unexpectedly. For the last few years he had been the main carer for my equally elderly but confused mother who has vascular dementia. Like many of his generation he rejected any assistance from social services, preferring to struggle on alone with my increasingly erratic, often belligerent mum. I help as much as poss but live 1 1/2 hrs away, have 2 young children, and also work. Mum unfortunately has no insight into her condition and insists she's just like any other woman of her age, despite intermittently failing to recognise myself or my dp of 20 odd yrs. Dad was understandably depressed but also becoming very physically frail, mum oblivious.
2 weeks ago dad was found collapsed on floor of bathroom by a member of the post hospital discharge intermediate care team, breathless and very blue, mum downstairs sulking over some imagined slight. He was rushed into hospital and mum went into emergency respite care where she is currently reasonably settled. I
informed her as gently as possible about dad's death
and she was obviously distraught and tearful but within
10 mins had forgotten what I had told her despite the
enormity of it. This continued for the rest of the visit.
The nursing staff were concerned that whenever they
reminded her, she was essentially reliving the
experience anew each time so in the end stopped
mentioning it. I have visited her each day since and she
has yet to remember what I have said. Various relatives and members of the care team have now
suggested that to take her to the funeral would completely disorientate her and poss accelerate her
decline.
I'm really at loss about what do although initially I had no doubts about taking her. I just suspect that she'll either be devastated and inconsolable at suddenly seeing husbands coffin or be completely bemused about being there. Any advice or opinions would be so welcome, thanks louise

Anybody have any experience of this kind of situation ?
My gut reaction would be to take her, in fact never really had any doubt about it, but now I'm not convinced

 The day following his death

Sorry for your loss.

FWIW we had a similar situation when my granddad-in-law died and gran-in-law didn't go to the funeral.

It's a difficult to make as it naturally doesn't feel quite right but I think it is probably for the best, especially if those that care for your gran 24/7 recommend it.

The week that my grandad died, my gran lost her mind. In all seriousness, something inside just clicked and her dementia started right there.
She didn't cone to the actual funeral service, but she came to the afterwards bit.
At the time I thought it was the saddest thing that they had been married for 60 years, and she didn't understand his death.
But somewhere inside she knew.
She talked about it really matter if fact, and then she'd forget. But she was never upset. Somehow her mind switched off to protect her from the pain,
That's what I believe anyway

When I read the title of your OP, I thought "take her, she would have wanted to go, your father would have wanted her to go" - and then I read your actual OP and now I think perhaps you shouldn't.

It might entrench it in her memory that he's gone; but it seems doubtful, her dementia seems quite far advanced - and really, if the care staff are concerned that it would make her condition worse, is it worth it? Probably not.

So sad for you - I do hope that you take up the offer of friends' support on the day - it does make a difference to have someone there to turn to, even just for a quick hug.

Patrickjane - similar happened with my grandmother when my grandfather died - not as quick, but it was like the lynchpin had been taken out of her wheel and she had no focus and no stability any more. Very sad to see. :(

I think you are right to leave it until nearer the time of the funeral - perhaps even the day itself - before deciding whether to take her or not. Dementia sufferers, just like everyone else, have good days and bad days. If you DO decide to take her could you take along a carer specifically to look after her, take her out of the service if need be and even take her back to the home early if necessary? You will have a lot to do at the funeral and it will be difficult enough for you without the added stress of looking after her at the same time. Your mother's dementia sounds fairly advanced and you may find she could forget all about her husband sooner rather than later. My mum has no memory of my father any more, she has regressed to when she was young and living at home with her parents and siblings.
I'm very sorry for the sad loss of your Dad.

Nothing new to add but very deepest sympathy for you. So glad you have two good friends to be with you.

Oh gosh, dilemma indeed.

First of all I am very sorry for the loss of your father, please accept my condolences.

I have worked with elderly patients suffering dementia of varying degrees. it is very upsetting when you have to tell them for the tenth time that morning why they are in a care home and that their spouse has died, watching their heart break afresh each time, and then as you rightly say, ten minutes later, forgetting and wanting to have an ice cream.

I have to say if I were in your situation that I wouldn't take her.

And think of yourself too. It would be very hard to have your time to say goodbye when you were pre-occupied with your DM (harsh as that sounds)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think your idea of speaking to the manager is helpful, if only to help settle things in your own mind.

My GF and GM suffered from Alzheimers and dementia respectively. When my grandfather passed away there was pressure from some family members to make sure my grandmother attended.
To this day I wish we had been able to put our collective foot down and say no.
She didn't understand that my DGF had died and it was his funeral despite about 2 weeks of preparation (as much as one can in the circumstances). She was incredibly upset and unsettled for the whole day, seeing extended family members seemed to trigger memories from 20-30 odd years back, she kept asking for my GF and was profoundly upset at the constant 'presence' of him but not being able to locate him, her confusion over what was going on was difficult to help her navigate. She seemed very aware of A funeral and was upset at the sadness surrounding her she just couldn't accept it was HIS funeral as she was somewhere entirely different in time.
It was horrible and she did spend quite a while recovering from it.
I still feel guilty I wasn't in a position to stick up for her really or insist she was taken back home immediately after the service so she didn't have to deal with the rest of it.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible. Sending my condolences.