Please hold my hand - this weekend I'm going to talk to my DH about problems with our sex life

[CinnabarRed]

Was going to name-change, then decided that using my preferred user name nay well be step 1 in the difficult process of being completely honest and open with DH.

When we met, and for years after, the sex was electric. He is the only man who has ever made me come with his fingers or his cock during PIV sex, and only the second to make me come during oral. We were completely compatible.

It all changed when I had severe PND after DS1 was born, and got worse after each subsequent child (we have 3 boys; the oldest is 4.6 years, the youngest is 8 months). I haven't had an orgasm with DH since DS1, and until very recently hadn't had an orgasm at all since DS2.

A large part of it was because I started taking ADs for PND after DS2 was born, which pretty much destroyed my libido. Another part is dissatisfaction with my body.

However, I have now come off the ADs, my libido is on its way back. I've rediscovered the joys of my rabbit!

But sex with DH is still coming up blank. I think it's because my body had really changed down there, and I need to relearn how to make it sing.

The problem is that DH doesn't know that I've been struggling, or that my libido had disappeared (he knew I wanted less sex, but attributed that to sleep deprivation from 3 small children). We still had sex, more than willingly on my part because I enjoyed the closeness and physical expression of love. He had never once put any pressure on me to put out. But I just couldn't come and so I faked it to bring matters to a conclusion. Stupid, I know.

I'm now plucking up the courage to tell him that I need things to be change, and that I don't quite know how and so we're going to have to discover together.

I find it excruciating to even think about the conversation. Please help me - first to keep up my resolve, and secondly to find a way to start the conversation and deal with his upset when he finds out I've been faking.

And does anyone have any tips or techniques to help with the discovery stages?

Oh, I really wish I'd namechanged now!

I can relate, I have started a thread with no responses (yet!) about similar probs with sex life. I know I need to talk, I'm afraid and there are also difficulties with how to go about it and what the problem actually is. I await wisdom either on this thread or mine. I respect you've used your real nickname and think it is a good step towards being brave enough to tackle this RL convo!

I found reading "Mating in captivity" helpful today. Made me think about why I don't find sex as important anymore. Sorry you're going through this.

No advice but very brave post so summon up similar courage with him. I'd want to know my partner was struggling, hopefully he will too. Ain't end of world to change sex life...good luck

By the way it's written by a woman who helps people with their sex lives...

I feel slightly foolish in sharing the following, as it is my experience at the age of 19, and i do appreciate how far that is from where you are now. But I thought it might help develop the conversation on the thread and perhaps lead to some useful posts for you.

It's similar insofar as I was faking with my first sexual partner, basically because I didn't know how to work out how he could make me orgasm (though i was more than proficient in doing it to myself ) and how to talk to him about it. Eventually, after a year of this, I realised it was ridiculous and unhealthy in an otherwise great relationship. I didn't want to hurt or insult him by telling him I'd faked though, so decided to leave the past in the past and pretend that it was a new thing that things weren't working for me, and ask if we could "adapt" together to find something new that did work.

Might that be an approach? Is it more important to you to tell him that things haven't been working all this time? Or to get things working again in future somehow? I know they are not mutually exclusive, but if you know one is much more important to you then that might e the place to start.

Do you really feel you have to tell him you have been faking? Would it help you? I just feel for him hearing it as it sounds like he is lovely.

Can you choose your words carefully and say you are just beginning to feel better now and your libido is coming back and then go on to say what you want.....

sometimes honesty is overrated sometimes honesty is selfish

I'd be inclined not to tell him that you have been faking it. I think it would totally rock his confidence. It's not as if he's been doing anything wrong is it, it's you who has changed.

Like you say, your body has changed and you need to find a way to make it sing again. I think you have worded that in such a lovely way and if you put it like that to your husband I'm sure he will understand.

I agree with Crispy,what good advice.Well done you for not name changing CR.I've always enjoyed your posts.However, lose the RR.It's too easy to orgasm with artificial stimuli.Best of luck.Mx.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

My focus is definitely on getting it right in the future rather than honesty about the past! So I'm comfortable not telling him about faking it before.

I'm going to order the book recommended, thank you

Do you think this sounds OK? Paraphrased, obviously!

Since DS3 [we've only had sex a handful of times since DS3 and I think he already senses I'm holding back but not why] I've found that things that used to work now don't. I thought it was associated with the ADs so wasn't overly concerned. However I'm not taking them now and still no joy. I therefore think that three pregnancies and labours have changed my body so much that I need to relearn techniques that work for me. Not ideal, but the silver lining is how much fun we can have together practicing

I'm not going to bin the RR (I'm not sure which recycling bin it would go in anyway ) because it's a toy we've used together in the past so I think he'll be comfortable with using it now too. No more using it on my own though.

Any recommendations for other toys?

Offred, which is your thread? I'd like to take a look but can't identify it on my iPhone.

Bonniesillsister - DH is lovely, thank you!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1475326-where-do-you-start-with-this?msgid=31834229#31834229 it is a bit complicated and may not be that useful but do have a look!

If you find a book that helps, then maybe that could be a good way to start the conversation - something along the line of "I've been reading this book, and I think that xx on these pages might help..." It gives something difinite and positive to start trying with.

Ta!

One more question. Does BF have any impact on libido? I'm still BF DS3 but will stop soon. I worked out that I've spent 70% of the last 5 years either pregnant or BF, so it's not surprising that my poor old body's taken a bit of a battering...

I think it can do, I suppose if either pg or bf changes your feelings about being touched/intimate. Do you think this is an element here?

I think it might do.

Frankly, after a day at home with the boys, being jumped on, pulled, tickled, cuddled, fed from, wept over and sometimes puked on, I don't much feel like being touched at all. But we've discovered that if DH gives me 15 mins of complete silence on my own once all three boys are asleep then it resets my tolerance and I'm pleased when he wants a hug or kiss.

BF anecdotally has a massive impact on libido, so does having a child (or three) recently, AD's, the whole lot. I would stop faking, but don't go on about not faking in the past. I would also couch this very much as I'm not sure what's happening with me, because to be honest, he isn't doing too much wrong really and the issue of things feeling/different libido is with you, I think these things may change when you stop BF anyway. No bad thing to talk with him about being responsive though, and not just ploughing on, and taking time to rediscover what works for you.

I would also avoid the 'big chat about sex' which makes it sound like a massive problem, just mention it when you are cuddling up, 'things don't feel quite the same since having the kids' is probably a good non-blaming place to start.

I think it might be worth exploring whether there is an issue with bf as well as the children. From what you have said there is some part of it that is just to do with understandable emotional and physical tiredness from having small children. You've taken some steps towards sorting this out ie the children are not a problem the tiredness created by caring for them is and there are things thy can be done to help. I think sometimes you could look at the bf part, if there is one, in a similar way. What is the barrier specifically and how can you get over it? I'm not sure it would be wise to get into the "it'll go away when I quit" mindset which can be used as an avoidance strategy and is also not much practical help right now. I think it is a valid thing to say after really exploring the issues.

Talking about avoidance, I've got my bloody period (ha! see what I did there?). The first one since June 2009 - I was pregnant with DS2, then BF DS2, then pregnant with DS3 even before my periods had come back, and then BF DS3.

But, after being disappointed, I think it could be a good thing - we can talk about sex this weekend without feeling like we have to have sex - although we can if we really want too - it's DH who's squeamish, not me.

Apologies for only reading the OP but can you talk to him without mentioning the faking too soon? Talk about how you love him, fancy him, adore having sex with him and enjoy the closeness as much as ever but you are not having an orgasm at the moment and you want you both to have some experimentation and fun to see if you can remedy that?

He will hear faking and think he is no good in bed.

Awww, you both sound great, I genuinely agree that if you say you've been faking it you will crush his man-ness (I know it's slightly different but if DH said he's been faking I would be devastated).

I think the approach you are suggesting is perfect, it will be just like meeting each other again and working out what worked for you both at the beginning.

Good bloody luck and don't be embarrassed, everyone knows you have sex (at least three times anyway) and if you're not too mortified, can you tell us how you get on?

Well, I can report that we had sex tonight almost the instant DH came home! My lovely PIL are staying this weekend, so we snuck upstairs for a quickie.

I wish I could tell you that I came, but I didn't. But I didn't fake it either. Instead I whispered to DH that it will be my turn tomorrow night - I'll let you know the outcome.

I also downloaded that "Mating In Captivity" book to my Kindle. Believe it or not, there's another book by the same name that seems to be about captive breeding programmer in zoos!

The main thing is how did he react once he knew you hadn't had an orgasm?

Was he okay? Did you chat?