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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why doesn't he CARE about anything?

44 replies

colditz · 17/02/2006 11:32

Dp is so apathetic, I cannot engage his interest in anything. He doesn't care about the house, he's not bothered that stuff is piling up to the roof to d, he doesn't care that our doors have holes in, he doesn't care that there is mud (left by him) all over the kitchen floor, he doesn't care about equipment for the new baby, he doesn't care about anything!

I get so frustrated trying to have a conversation with him. Half the time I am talking to the back of his head, I ask him to look at me at least, suddenly I am "Having a go". Conversation over, he won't speak to me at all if I am "having a go"

But he won't speak to me unless I take a very proactive approach to getting a response! I can't win.

It's as if some topics in our house are forbidden.

Money. Housework. The new baby. DIY. Picking up after oneself. Debts run up in the past. Unresolved issues - he thinks that because we have spoken on these subjects before, the conversation is over. He doesn't care that nothing has changed, or been done, it has been talked about, and he won'ty discuss it again. If I try, I get stonewalled for hours.

I get so Fkin lonely! He moans about the amount of time I spend on MN, but he doesn't want to talk to me himself, he just wants to use the computer! I can go from when ds goes to bed uptil dp comes home from work the NEXT DAY without us saying a word to each other. This can't be normal, can it? Is anyone else given the silent treatment for days and days?

He doesn't even do it on purpose, it's as if he is so unmotivated he can't even be bothered to speak to me. How can I drill it into his skull how unhappy I am to be ignored all the time?

OP posts:
goldstarlover · 17/02/2006 11:35

why are you still with him?

Original poster
colditz · 17/02/2006 11:36

Because we have a child, and I don't believe in walking out of a relationship because someone doesn't talk very much.

OP posts:
goldstarlover · 17/02/2006 11:36

seriously.... imagine your post had been written by someone else on here.
what would you say to them?

nutcracker · 17/02/2006 11:36

I could have written that about me and Xp Colditz.

Original poster
colditz · 17/02/2006 11:38

I would honestly say "I don't know"

I would, looking at it from an outsider's point of view, ask if he was depressed. But he has always been this way. It's only since we had ds that I have realised how hard it is to live with, when you are reliant on someone for conversation.

OP posts:
Feistybird · 17/02/2006 11:38

Colditz love, it's not normal - that lack of communication by him is destructive and being stonewalled must be awful. Do you love him?

juliab · 17/02/2006 11:41

Hi Colditz. Very to read your post. I can't offer you any advice, I'm afraid, but wanted to say that in many respects your dp sounds a lot like my sister. She basically shuts down about anything remotely emotional/difficult and refuses to talk to us, even when she's clearly desperately miserable. It's incredibly frustrating, isn't it? I've never been able to figure out a way to deal with it. I really hope you find one...

Original poster
colditz · 17/02/2006 11:41

I do love him.

The reason I haven't left him is because I know he doesn't do it deliberately.

i think also I am resetful of him having a bit of social life, when I don't have anyone to talk to because I am 7 months pregnant and too lazy to go out. Which is self inflicted, he encourages me to go out on my own!

OP posts:
goldstarlover · 17/02/2006 11:42

if it isn't deliberate then why does he do it?

come on.. he won't talk aboutt he new baby?

he is making you miserable... something has got to give!

Beetroot · 17/02/2006 11:43

you know colditz, this has been going on long eonough. whya re you with him> why do yu care so little about yorself and your daughter that you can submit yourself and your child to this sort of behaviour. you need to go see someone and look at your self esteem.

goldstarlover · 17/02/2006 11:44

if you aren't happy with him then you have to do something. go to Relate, or end it.

if you don't want to do either of those then you have to grin and bear it... which doesn't sound like it'd be very nice for anyone.

and children growing up in that environment will end up with problems of their own. far better to have 2 happy apart parents than 2 who don't talk to each other....
children pick up on a lot of tension... did you see child of our time the other day?

Original poster
colditz · 17/02/2006 11:46

Beetroot, I don't have a daughter, I have a son, and quite what I am subjecting my son to, I don't know.

there isn't an atmosphere, just quietness, and I am very chatty. That's why I get upset, because I feel like I am pouring words into an empty hole.

OP posts:
juliab · 17/02/2006 11:46

Was it like this before you had kids?

goldstarlover · 17/02/2006 11:52

but the point is IT ISN'T NORMAL!

he is your husband, he is supposed to love you, enjoy being with you...talk to you!

you don't have to drill into someone's skull that you are unhappy with them purposely ignoring you if they love you!

Original poster
colditz · 17/02/2006 11:52

Yes, he was like this before we had a kid, but the thing is, I only realised what a problem it could be after I had a child. It never bothered me before, why would it? I was a young woman who could go where she liked, when she liked and speak to who she liked.

Now I am a mother of 1, soon to be two young children, and I am finding it very lonely sometimes, because being so reliant on dp for company has made me realise that most of the time he isn't very good company. i never realised it before, because I wasn't in this situation before.

OP posts:
goldstarlover · 17/02/2006 11:53

it's pointless.
you come and ask for advice (and this isn't thr first time) and when we give it our opinion you defend everything he does....

so if there is no problem why even start a thread?

Original poster
colditz · 17/02/2006 11:55

I am aware I need to go and see someone and look at my self esteem, but unfortunately the waiting list for NHS councelling is long, and I am reluctant to take antidepressants while pregnant.

OP posts:
Beetroot · 17/02/2006 11:57

I re read this again just to make sure I was not over reazcting. I copied some key points.

Your son is being subjected to a father who does not engage. Who thinks it is ok to not speak to his mother for days.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dp is so apathetic

I cannot engage his interest in anything.

he doesn't care about anything!

I get so frustrated trying to have a conversation with him.

Half the time I am talking to the back of his head, I ask him to look at me at least, suddenly I am "Having a go".

Conversation over, he won't speak to me at all if I am "having a go"

But he won't speak to me unless I take a very proactive approach to getting a response! I can't win.

It's as if some topics in our house are forbidden.
I get stonewalled for hours.

I get so Fkin lonely!

I can go from when ds goes to bed uptil dp comes home from work the NEXT DAY without us saying a word to each other.

This can't be normal, can it? Is anyone else given the silent treatment for days and days?

Beetroot · 17/02/2006 11:58

sorry I am with goldstarlover, I hsall pap myslef..

do something or get on with it and stop moaning imo

goldstarlover · 17/02/2006 11:59

this is my first ever parp... but i thikn i need to step away from the thread!

Original poster
colditz · 17/02/2006 12:01

I didn't say there was no problem! I am well aware there is a problem, but what I want is a way to solve it that doesn't involve dragging my 2 year old to a bed and breakfast because I have walked out on my partner for being quiet and apathetic.

I strongly believe that I cannot just abandon a relationship because it has flaws. I want to make it work. I thought maybe someone may have dealt effectively with this sort of behavior before, that is why I posted.

I posted the first time in anger and frustration, something a lot of people do, but if it annoys other posters, then I won't post again on this subject.

OP posts:
Mazzystar · 17/02/2006 12:01

He sounds withdrawn beyond any definition of normal, and it sounds like you need to do something about it before you have a complete and irrevokable communication breakdown.

If you want things to change you have to change things.

What can you do to make the conversations that you do have less confrontational. Can you get a babysitter and go on a date and spend some time together - even if its just a film and a drink after - before the new babe arrives?

goldstarlover · 17/02/2006 12:01

ok... so will he go to relate with you?

batters · 17/02/2006 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazydazy · 17/02/2006 12:37

Oh Colditz you seem so lonely and coming on here seems to be making you feel worse. I genuinely do feel sorry for you and hope you are feeling better today. I get like this sometimes but fortunately DP and I have worked through our problems and now he gives me more affection which I found that was lacking in our relationship.

I think people just seem to get bogged down with the day to day life and then tend to neglect each other.

Really hope you sort things out.