Why doesn't he CARE about anything?

[colditz]

Dp is so apathetic, I cannot engage his interest in anything. He doesn't care about the house, he's not bothered that stuff is piling up to the roof to d, he doesn't care that our doors have holes in, he doesn't care that there is mud (left by him) all over the kitchen floor, he doesn't care about equipment for the new baby, he doesn't care about anything!

I get so frustrated trying to have a conversation with him. Half the time I am talking to the back of his head, I ask him to look at me at least, suddenly I am "Having a go". Conversation over, he won't speak to me at all if I am "having a go"

But he won't speak to me unless I take a very proactive approach to getting a response! I can't win.

It's as if some topics in our house are forbidden.

Money. Housework. The new baby. DIY. Picking up after oneself. Debts run up in the past. Unresolved issues - he thinks that because we have spoken on these subjects before, the conversation is over. He doesn't care that nothing has changed, or been done, it has been talked about, and he won'ty discuss it again. If I try, I get stonewalled for hours.

I get so Fkin lonely! He moans about the amount of time I spend on MN, but he doesn't want to talk to me himself, he just wants to use the computer! I can go from when ds goes to bed uptil dp comes home from work the NEXT DAY without us saying a word to each other. This can't be normal, can it? Is anyone else given the silent treatment for days and days?

He doesn't even do it on purpose, it's as if he is so unmotivated he can't even be bothered to speak to me. How can I drill it into his skull how unhappy I am to be ignored all the time?

I think it might be his way of controlling things? I don?t like talking about this stuff so I am going to completely blank you. It?s not very nice is it? A couple of things- it?s not about you it?s about him and his unwillingness to talk about or even think about emotions AND this will only change with the help of a good counsellor or psychologist. You?re part of the dynamic and it seems unlikely you will be able to get him to change??.I also have to say I think you are unwilling to admit how damaging this is for you. You say you don?t want to leave just ?cause he?s uncommunicative, but it?s more than that really. He?s holding out emotionally and has all the control in the relationship. Sorry but the best thing I can suggest is for you and he to see a counsellor (perhaps even individually) if he won?t you should?..
Hope it gets better soon

Perhaps he needs counselling himself? My dh can be like this at times. I was always the social one, the one who liked chatting, he is very happy to sit in a corner by himself, it doesn't bother him at all. When we have conversations it's me who does most of the talking.

This might sound obvious, but have you tried getting him involved with the baby? Talking to him about the baby crying in the night for example and ask him if he has any ideas on what to do. Tell him about the rash she has on her bottom, about her likes and dislikes, tell him everything to do with her and constantly ask him for his opinions. Even if it's just a "I dunno" at first, keep going and eventually he'll open up a bit.

These days I don't wait for dh to make conversation, I make conversation with him. I'll get a DVD for us both to watch at the weekend, etc. It's hard work but it pays off when they actually start enjoying being with you.

He could be a little depressed and down and think that he has nothing worth saying. He could be in awe of the fact that you are the sociable one, you are the chatty one and he feels a bit like in the background.

Does this make sense?

I don't understand why you think it can't be depression, because he's always been that way. Maybe he's always been depressed?

Do you know what he is like at work?

You may have to let some of the issues go, he may feel you are dragging them up time and again purely to make him feel bad.

Did you decide together to have the second baby, or did it happen by accident? The picture you paint is of a man who, asked if he wanted another baby, would probably shrug and say "dunno. You decide".

colditz - I have been just where you are - the not talking, the stonewalling, the debts, the lack of interest, the "having a go" - I've been through it all.

You need to talk to someone - just like I did. Can you CAT? If so, and you want to, then CAT me and I will talk to you about it offline. More than anything else at the time, I just wanted to offload onto anyone who would listen, and I didn't have anyone to do it to. I do understand how important it is to talk.

There is lots more I could say about what you are going through but I will leave it there for now. It's a genuine offer.

Colditz, are you in prison??

You know his personality best, how long you have been with him and WHY?

It is important to decide whether or not he has changed and if so, when? Is he getting worse? If he has not changed, as you seem to suggest, then maybe you turned a blind eye to the unsuitability because you did not need much from him. Once you start with family life you are going to need more input, and going to want to SHARE all these wonderful things about the children? That probably would hurt, disappoint and frustrate a mother even more than not having much attention herself. You might then feel guilty that he is not suited, too boring for you now.You shouldn?t be, life would move on a lot quicker in this respect if not for contraception and wedding vows! You might have to accept a bit of guilt and live with it if you ?break the vows?, men don?t even hesitate about that most of the time! You may be trying to get ?blood out of a stone??

IF he has changed, though, it is really important to find out when and why. He should definitely talk to you about it or go to Relate. It is cruel, selfish and disrespectful not to. Yes, it may be control, jealousy of the children, depression, work stress etc. Maybe his feelings for you have changed, or yours for him but you will not allow yourself to accept it. Then the other reflects back the mirror of what is really inside us. Projective Identification, transference and all that stuff.

Don?t let it ride. It will eat into your self-esteem and you need all your energy for yourself and the children right now. Labour and postnatal tiredness coming up. Involve close friends, family or a counsellor as soon as possible if this is getting worse. Maybe yo could go to stay with a close family member for a while if he refuses Relate, he doesn?t really have the right to do that if you are so unhappy I don?t think, especially since you are pregnant too. What were these problems, though, that he says have been talked over, although not to your satisfaction .

Don?t let it spoil a wonderful time for you. Men can be horrible, awkard, selfish pigs during pregnancy and it sounds like you are going to have to be strong and look out for yourself and your little boy?good luck and take care.

I think thats really sweet Miaou not wanting to sound bitchy but I really think that Colditz has been treated a bit harshly on this thread. I am not in her situation but still feel sorry for her because I am a woman and women do feel the need to talk about relationships.

Hi Colditz
I think Mazzystar's suggestion of going out the two of you is a good idea, if you can. At some point before children you must have had a 1 on 1 relationship with each other, you must have related! It does sound like you've got bogged down with the daily grind. I know this is totally different from a marriage, but I'm a single mum with a boyf so my time with my boyf is always time for us, usually spent indoors at mine, but even though that time is "quality" time, getting out together for a drink or a meal (as opposed to watching a film at home ) does wonders. Plus, I find that is when we have the best most rational conversations with each other about difficult subjects, and are most understanding of each other too, because we are relaxed and in neutral ground, separate from battle ground iykwim.

And i agree, you have had a tough time on this thread, - as someone who is also quite a defensive person generally, I think Colditz has a right to disagree with our honest opinions, and she does deserve some sympathy too!

There are a couple of reasons he could be like this- if he has always been like this, 8 years ago i was due to marry a man like this and panicked and ran out- a good decision in retrospect, we were doomed. Anyway, having a child with it, I now know he had / has Aspergers.

However, my DH behaves like this when his depression is at it's worst and if it's not always the case, i would drag him to GP as it sounds pretty serious.

Colditz, both you and DP have issues you need to discuss. IIRC, last time the two of you had a "chat", (sack of spuds etc) it was quite effective wasnt it? I sometimes wonder that he just doesnt understand what's going on in your head and vice versa.

Its difficult for people on here to post objectively, because they only see the negative stuff that you post about your own thoughts and perspective on things IYSWIM.

From a personal point of view - my DP can be a messy, thoughtless utter pain in the arse - sometimes. And when he is - boy do i moan aboutt it. However, 90% of the time - he is utterly fab and wouldnt change him for the world. But i dont normally shout that from the hills in the same way.

Colditz, take Miaou up on that - she's brilliant.

I know how hard you're trying to make this work - I wish your DP would realise how lucky he is to have you. When you've had the baby and can see how the land lies, you can decide what to do. I totally understand why you don't feel able to leave with a young son and an imminent baby.

Hugs x x x x

C..trying to remember if it was you or someone else who mentioned a (secret) gambling habit a while ago??

Yes moondog it was.

Hunker, thanks for the vote of confidence

Colditz, I'm concerned about you. You haven't posted since your last post on this thread. I tried CATing you but you don't accept CATs. If you do see this, please get in touch with me. FWIW, dh and I went through this and came out the other side. I told him about you and he also felt it could help for you to talk to me. I really hope you are ok.

ah just to clarify moondog, it was colditz's dp, not colditz, with the gambling habit.

Yes Miaou.
I should have clarified this point.

colditz - you sound like you're in a similar relationship as my friend. She had exactly the same communication problems, then her dh was diagnosed as having Asperger syndrome.

I may be way, way, way off the mark but the following has been C&P from the The National Autistic Society

Asperger syndrome is a form of autism, a condition that affects the way a person communicates and relates to others. A number of traits of autism are common to Asperger syndrome including difficulty in social relationships, difficulty in communicating, limitations in imagination and creative play.

Don't know if that is any help at all, but good luck to you.

colditz, accept my apologies. i confused yu with another Mnetter. looking backnot sure why.

HOpe you are feeling better. and getting some help.

Hello colditz, this sounds like me and DH, especially when i was pg i couldnt get him to talk to me and it was a hard time.
Last year DH started seeing a counsellor and so did i, then my counsellor saw DH and spoke to him about the problems i have and then she spoke to me and told me a few things that DH had said-with both parties permission, i couldnt believe how DH thought about things and i realised that he was depressed and this is how it showed up, we have moved on a lot from this and it has made our marriage stronger, you are right not to give up because there is a problem, i hope you can work through this.

How are you this morning, Colditz? Have been thinking of you.

If you are 7 months pg with no 2 I really styrongly urge you to take some steps to address this before no 2 arrives. For me no 2 was teh hand grenade in our relationship and my life that everyone says no 1 is. The chances of doing something pro-active about your relationship for at least the first 6 months or so are very remote - the chances of the sleep deprivation and stress making things worse are veyr high. Can you off load ds for a weekend? Possibly best not to bill this to dh as a "we need to sort our relationship out" weekend. How about selling it to him as a nice weekend (away or at home, doesn;t really matter) for you to do a couple of nice things together (cinema, meal out) that you rarely get chance to do now and even more rarely after no 2 arrives. If you can both feel a bit relaxed and in a different environment (and opssibly even remember teh good bits about each otehr) then the conversation you need to have will - hopefully - flow naturally. You do need to tell him how you feel - tell him you miss him, tell him you need him more than ever, tell him you need each other more than ever if you are going to have a happy functioning family. tell him you are really scared taht if it continues it really could fall apart. Do something like this now Colditz. Take control of teh situation.