Unreasonable ExH .... very annoying!!!!

[cpots]

First time post for me; just needed somewhere to let off some steam and seek support ...
History: Married 15+ years, separated 2+, divorced 1+, 2DC (teens), job, house, boyfriend, etc ... in a very happy place EXCEPT ... I seem to have a very exH!
It has been a constant battle on his part since the split ... I have always tried to remain impartial to all email rants (and there have been many!) and always reply reasonably and fairly ... he does NOT. I stick to the DC he rants about my life!!!
Scenario: DC live with me, exH sees them alternate weekends, mid-week for 2hrs ... all fine ... he has them at max 2 weeks during the year ...
HOWEVER: he tells me regularly that he can't have them due to work, no alterative dates offered, expects me to fit around him (I should cancel my arrangements if he can't have them , if I tell him I have planned a holiday with my DC he rants about me making assumptions and not asking, he gives me minimum maintenance (me part time/him good job) and refuses to contribute to ANYTHING else (passports, school stuff, school trips, etc).
He rants about what I have, what I buy, my social life .. you name it.
Her appears so so angry with me it is getting me down ... I have very definitely moved on, he is just still ranting (him marrying OW in autumn).
Sounds petty reading it back but he really is vile and appears to what to control everything I do, he'd be happier if I was struggling and sad .... but it stresses me and I don't know how to switch off and ignore it!
Any advise truely welcomed!!!
xxx

Sympathy cpots. I have no advice really. Mine does this too. I'm 9 years on now & he still messes me about with cancellations & it all being about him. I also get the minimum maintenance with an absolute refusal to contribute in any other way - even though he has a very high paying job and lavish lifestyle himself.

I constantly try to rise above it. I refuse to reschedule weekends now - so if he misses out, he misses out & it is his loss. I have to force myself not to think about his ongoing meaness & spite, as it is a real downer otherwise. I wish I could tell you how to handle your ex better - but I am still waiting for answers myself.

I can only offer my sympathy & empathy.

First of all, there is nothing you can do about his unreliability when seeing the kids - if he wants to be a twat there isn't anything you can do to stop him. However, i would stick firmly to the arrangement made and if he couldn't have them on the days that he is supposed to i wouldn't swop my life around for him, he'd have to just sacrifice those days he couldn't see them.

Secondly, when you say he rants about you all the time, does he do this to your face or by email? i ask because you do know you don't HAVE to listen to that rubbish don't you?

I could have written this myself, this is exactly what my daughter's father is like! supremely annoying - we try hard to not let it get to us any more, very difficult though. No advice from me either i'm afraid as i don't have any answers myself - just sympathy and empathy again! x

Don't reply at all to his email rants, stick to bare facts, do not go out of your way to accommodate him, and have his emails sent straight to a junk mail folder or separate folder so you don't have to read them immediately. Don't tell him anything at all about your social life, what you buy- and do what I was advised to, think of him as a toddler if that is the way he behaving - it helps.

Thanks girls ... trying to do all of those things ... PostBellum - 9 years !!!
Bloody annoy myself sometimes for not being able to rise above this!!!
I know what I should be doing ... arrgghhh ...
Why do some men they do it, and why does my ex have to be one of them ??? We had some really good times and out of respect for each other (I have completely forgiven him for his affair as I know I am much better off without him and what he became) we ought to be able to BOTH move on and live our lives happily and stress free!!
He's a git ... x

Its all because of the fact that they envy your new life and that you are happily living your life without depending on him. Men like to behave that they are in control and hence hate the fact that you have moved on and independent of him.
My advice ? Dont respond to his rants. If he objects to your schedule tell him to eff off. Be in control of the situation and never let him try to gain control of your life.

My ex would love to do this. But he gets nothing. No reply at all. It must frustrate the hell out of him (i hope so anyway)
I would send him one email, spelling out the new terms, ie, these are your days, if you can't make them, then you will see them on the next contact date. Tell him you will be no longer replying to any of his emails, unless it is specific facts about the kids, ie, parents evening dates, etc. DO NOT give him any personal information about you. DO NOT try to reason with him. You will be wasting your precious time and playing right into his hands- he loves the argument.

He does it because he can't stand that you are no longer COMPLETELY under his control, but if you continue to answer him, play his games etc- you are still somewhat under his control.

My ex still tries 11 YEARS later!!!!! I have rows and rows of his text messages on my phone with no responses from me in between each one. Sad tosser.

My dh's ex is like this so I don't think it's gender specific. She had the affair and left however she was very bitter with DH despite remarrying and having other dc's. I always felt her rants were a reflection of her unhappiness and dissatisfaction with her life which does seem to be the case as she has left 2nd husband and is remarrying (again after another affair - leopards really don't change their spots!).

There is nothing you can do - ignore the emails, we worked out that when life went wrong for her then she would lash out at dh. If anything positive happened to dh then she would lash out. Ultimately you have to pity people like this - they go through life never taking responsibility for their actions and consequently keep making the same mistakes.

Happy contented people don't act like this so each rant shows you that he is still in a bad place - he isn't your responsibility any more but hopefully as the dc's grow the link will be reduced.

Your dc are teens, I'd take a step back and let them arrange contact with their Dad?

What can he do, oh take you to court and what will he get - fixed contact if that is what the dc want!

I'd just like to add to this thread, I have a good friend going through this at the moment and I will send the link to her.

What gets me is it was him who left her for another woman, who he now lives with. It's as though he just can't cope with the fact that she's got over it and is just getting on with life with their DCs calmly and competently just as she always did.

I think the men who do this have Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder

"Why do some men they do it, and why does my ex have to be one of them?"

Tantrums and fits of temper are pure attention-seeking behaviour borne out of frustration, impotence and indignation that you're quite happy without them. They're outside the family unit rather than inside. They have lost your love, other people's respect, their influence, their 'place' and all they can do is froth, stamp and needle. While they're causing a fuss, you're acknowledging their existence. If they can make your life a little more difficult, it's a pathetic sort of triumph. How dare you have a life of your own?... :)

So if you're ignoring and not caving that's the perfect way to deal with attention-seeking. The teenagers can decide whether to see him or not all by themselves in due course and, if they move away or pursue their own lives, he'll find he really is left out in the cold.

My DP always says "No answer is the best answer".

theonly is right. No answer you can come up with will ever infuriate him more than silence :o

Thanks so much for the insights and words ...
I have just zapped an email to him along the lines of theonlysane suggests and see what happens
random I've tried a bit of that; DS has a trip coming up £300+ and has asked ExH to contribute ... reply "I give your mum money, ask her!" ... whilst I work I have significantly less income but I will pay for DS, why should he miss out. It is the principle which galls me.

At the moment he sees any time he spends with the DC as giving me time off and any maintenance he gives me as funding my lifestyle.

olgaga same situation here!!
My worry is that long term all of the financial burden will fall to me and that my DC may suffer emotionally if he continues down the path of doing everything to spite me and to try and ruin my life regardless of how it affects his relationship with his DC. As theonlysane states ... sad tosser ... xx

cpots - I think our ex's must be twins.

It is all very well not to engage & for the answer to always be no, but there are times when that simply isn't possible.

Since the divorce, DS has been diagnosed as Autistic Spectrum, with dyslexia and other cognitive impairments. He needs to go to a special school, but he is not severely autistic enough to qualify for state assistance. Can I get a single bean out of his father to help with this - no. I am financially crucifying myself to pay for DS to go to this school & I really do mean crucifying myself. I will be selling the house we live in next year to downsize to continue to make this possible. Ex-H says private school is discretionary & he doesn't have to contribute - despite the fact that his two younger children go to one of London's most expensive prep-schools.

It is also hard to know how to deal with the ongoing disappointments for the DCs. He regularly promises to take them to places or buy them things. He never delivers. I find it hard not to champion for them. Again I don't know how best to tackle it. I'm clearly not doing a good job, as he is still letting them down 9 years after leaving them.

Anyway, sorry to rant - but if any of the wise MNers who have advised on here know how to tackle this kind of twattery, I'd be grateful for their input.

postbell

It is so sad that our dc's have such fing shit pricks for fathers.
I doubt there is anything you can do. In a normal person, firstly this wouldn't be an issue and secondly, you could appeal to their better nature. But the sad fact is - they don't have one.

I would want to have a few choice words, but i've been there and done that - it doesn't work. I have said some god awful spiteful, crushing, vicious truths to my exdp- whoosh, right over his head. He just ignored it and started to bring up things from years ago, that have been warped in his head over time. (hence me saying earlier they love the chance to argue)

You will NEVER EVER EVER EVER get them to see your point of view because they are incapable.

This realisation set me free.

How do you deal with holidays??? Ex has them for 2 wks a year .. but if I try to plan anything I am expected to ask his permission or I am assuming it is OK .. but if he has 2/3 weeks away without DC it is assumed it is OK and he just tells me. He truly is a supreme being ... NOT!
One rule for him and an expectation of a different one for me!!! Historically I've just stated I plan on taking DC away ... but get rants "who do I think I am" ...
Again, sounds petty but its nothing new to us all is it ....

My worry is that long term all of the financial burden will fall to me and that my DC may suffer emotionally if he continues down the path of doing everything to spite me and to try and ruin my life regardless of how it affects his relationship with his DC.

Well there is a real risk of that. The financial burden is an ongoing injustice, but it's the emotional burden of it all which I think is the hardest. As a child of a failed marriage myself I can tell you it's not easy.

However, take heart from the fact that your children will get older and become parents themselves - and while they might always have feelings for him, they probably won't respect him. Whereas they will love and respect you.

cpots you send him an email saying

i am taking dc's on holiday on date till date. full stop. nothing else.

ignore any ranting emails that follow.

simples.

my mantra is, that it's on a need to know basis- if he doesnt need to know- dont tell him.

i dont even tell him the country as he once ranted that he wants the name of the hotel- so that he could check it was safe!!!!

the assumption being that im not fit enough as a mother to pick a place that's suitable.

To be fair cpots my ex is nothing like this. We get on well, chat on the phone, sometimes have a beer together when he comes to collect the DC and still help each other out when we can. He is always uber reliable about having the kids

Not all men (even exes) are pricks. Your ex is actively chosing to be one.

by the way, when he found out i was taking dc to dubai- dc told him- i got a rant about the taliban ? wtaf?

erm it's dubai you knob, not iraq/afghanistan!

curry i agree that not all exes are pricks. if me and dp split, i would let him see the dc's whenever he wanted (within reason, if it was doable etc). no question. but he is a reasonable human being, i think cpots, postbell and myself are dealing with exes that have a personality disorder and they dont understand reason.......unfortunately.

So you decide to go on holiday, the dc want to come.

Email "I am going on holiday x until y and the dc have chosen to come with me"

If he demands to see the children etc pass the phone over to them and let them arrange it?

theonly I know. I was trying to agree that they are even more of a prick because they decide to behave like this. There really is no need for them to. Yet they chose to be like this.

I utterly sympathise, I really do :(

curry ... you are very lucky to have a nice ex
It's frustrating as my relationship with my ex should and could have been like that ... A civil hello and exchange of pleasantries ... I have been nothing but be flexible, calm, polite ... Well actually 'normal'.
It hurts that after practically growing up together and having dc he chooses not to see ANY of the good times and is re-writing history to justify his dreadful behaviour.
I actually pity him, but do realise it's his own doing

I can imagine how much it hurts and grates. I just cannot imagine what the reasoning is behind it. I mean generating all this anger and bitterness and vitriol must be exhausting for him. I wonder how his new DP sees it. It can hardly be attractive can it? To see him behave like a spoilt child? It would certainly set off alarm bells for me to see my DP treat his ex in this way.