would a person be abusive in all relationships all it depends on thier partner?

[complexo]

I'm just curious and wondering if for example an abusive man that is emotionally abusive to one partner would necessarily be emotionally abusive towards another or it depends on the partner's response or personality??

Abusive men go from woman to woman. It doesn't depend on their target's response or personality. It depends on what they believe they can get away with. It may depend on women's levels of vulnerability e.g. abuse very often starts in pregnancy, because a woman is more vulnerable then.

I agree with Nyac. I've also found that the abuse given can change too. I found out that my ex was very violent towards his previous gf whereas he rarely hit me. Once friends got involved he stopped completely. Unfortunately, being an abuser, he upped the emotional/mental abuse instead.

Being abusive is never the fault of the person who is being abused, surely?

Abusers are what it says on the tin; abusive to anyone who lets them get away with it.

In addition, abusers know very well what they're doing and the effect they have on others because it's what they get off on.

However, in general they have the nous not to abuse their employers or strangers out of fear that they might be the one on the receiving end.

I'm pretty sure an abusive man would abuse any woman he could get away with abusing yes.

OP - do you want to tell us more about your situation/the reason for your question? Are you alright?

So what happens if an abusive man gets into a relationship where he can't get away with the abusive behaviour, he than changes and stops being abusive or the relationship ends??

I think someone who uses emotional bullying to get their own way in a relationship will try the same methods every time. The 'variable' is the partner they try to bully. Some won't put up with it long enough to be damaged where others are more susceptible and vulnerable. So whilst I don't think it is the victim's fault, I do think there can be different outcomes.

I have no idea and no experience (thankfully). However, I would imagine that if an abuser finds a partner who won't put up with his/her desires to control via behaviour, then the relationship is likely to be less satisfying to him/her, so it may end?

But I don't know - this is pure supposition.

Tell us what's happening with you, OP - are you in this situation? Are you being abused?

Complexo thats an interesting question. MY guess is that if he is not getting away with the abuse that he will leave the relationship because he has no incentive to stay. thats if the woman didn't end the relationship first because she could see quite clearly that he was abusive.

Yes thats what i'm trying to say - that if he wasn't getting away with abusing her, it was because the woman could see that he was abusing her!

to conclude then, an abusive man simply couldn't be in a relationship where he wasn't being abusive. Jesus, how horrible that there is no hope for them.

No but I have been in an abusive relationship and even though it finished 7,5 years ago I'm still healing. The other day I found a photo on the internet of him with his child so it just made me wonder how is his new relationship (his new wife is the OW he left me for) and I'm also having memories of the past before our marriage when he broke up with me several times, found new gfs, left them and came back to me. So I now must think that all these other gfs wouldn't put up with his abuse so he always came back to whom he knew would tolerate his behaviour. And I probably stopped slowly agreeing to be abused so he found OW and ended our marriage? Or maybe he just fell in love with her and out of love with me. Just try to understand it all really as it has been a long time and it still affects me. I don't have the time and resources to do any counselling unfortunately.

Can only go on my own family experience. My DF was physically and emotionally abusive to my mum. She died. He has since had a couple of girlfriends, as far as I am aware he was never been physically abusive to them. But I would be very surprised if he has treated them properly and with respect. He will never live with anyone again so any girlfriend he has he only sees 2/3 times a week so maybe he is able to keep his temper/controlling tendencies in check for that amount of time.

A friend of mine was in an abusive relationship - mainly low level EA - and she reckons it wasn't his fault, it was more that they were a very bad combination and at a bad time in both their lives. According to her, he was suffering from depression and she was needy due to previous bad relationships so as a result she demanded too much from him and he couldn't give anything so he resorted to pushing her away. At the end he admitted to being abusive and apparently he's in a very happy relationship now. I don't know if that's actually true or just something they both like to tell themselves as said friend has a tendency to go for shitty guys anyway.

I don't think it's a question you can really answer without knowing the true nature of their relationship. There is a possibility that the new wife is experiencing exactly the same miserable treatment as you experienced, of course. Your ex may have mellowed with the passage of time - I've seen that before. Or there could be some other factor that has interrupted the behavioural pattern.... therapy etc. I sometimes wonder how my exH's new wife gets treated... briefly... before thinking she's welcome to him, warts and all :)

Either way, what happened to you at the time wasn't your fault and neither him nor his new family are your responsibility. Good luck

Tbh I don't mind if she is receiving the same treatment or worse because she was a 'friend' and she knew exactly what she was doing, she had it all planned and was very cynical towards me when their affair started sending me friendship messages and gifts. I feel sorry for the child because one if the reasons I didn't want to have a child with him at the moment - even though he was very keen on starting a family - was because I didn't want my child to have such a controlling father who used to say that a little spank put children back on track quickly (even suggesting I needed the same treatment). But is not my responsability and I don't care.

And I probably stopped slowly agreeing to be abused so he found OW and ended our marriage That is far more probable than him falling irresistably in love with the ow, cogito.

He won't have changed and IMO you can safely regard the ow as having done you an immense favour.

Karma is a remarkable phenomenom, but I feel extremely sorry for the child of their union

The problem always is with the abuser not their partner. However if the new partner is strong and forces the abuser to deal with his issues and get help, maybe he wouldn't abuse her. Not saying women who are abused are not strong, just that the only way a man would change is to be forced to deal with his own issues iyswim

Interesting question. One thing that I noticed about my ex is that he is friendly with a couple of his exes (purely as friends no suggestion of romantic/sexual aspect as far as I know). He's generous/attentive to them for a while, then starts treating them with contempt and they get fed up with him and break friends for a while, then he gets friendly with them again through generosity/humour/ingratiation...cycle continues. He's the same with his close family and male friends (only has a couple) though too. Ingratiatingly nice. Bit OTT. Then fall-outs/tantrums/rejection usually based around him asking them for something or expecting something from them. Then apology at some point and back to the beginning. Haven't seen him with another partner yet...earlyish days. [talking about a 42 year old man btw..lol]

I've battled with the 'why wasn't I stronger' thing too. But get the impression that quite a few women who have been in EA relationships are strong. We often develop sophisticated coping mechanisms and strategies so that life can go on around/despite their DP and actually often hold the control through 'keeping everything together' for ourselves and often the family and even the abuser. I have been hugely heartened by a chat I had with a very senior member of staff where I work confiding in me that she was once in a relationship of this nature. Now, she is someone that I certainly wouldn't expect to be bullied by anyone - senior management, very upfront and assertive, reputation for not taking any prisoners (not a bully herself but gives the impression not to be messed with). Now, how to ensure it doesn't happen again...dunno....still vexed about that one.

My father was EA and at the end of their relationship physically abusive to my DM. I also have a memory of him hitting her when I was about 8 but from what my mum has said it didn't happen again until he wanted her to leave him. He was def EA throughout their relationship though and to a degree financially abusive too.

However, to my knowledge he hasn't been either financially or physically abusive to my step mother. They have a very different relationship dynamic and she, if anything, is the more controlling one who sulks and rages and behaves in ways that are on the emotionally abusive spectrum.

I actually think that my dad was a coward who should have ended the marriage just after I was born instead of behaving steadily worse to my mother until she finally found it within herself to leave him. I think his behavior was a way of pushing her away but still being 'the good guy who didn't leave his wife' in public.

I don't know if this helps... Sorry... But just wanted to say what I have observed with my parents.

However, I also think for the most part abusive men do not change and remain abusive to future partners.

I have often wondered about this. I think that, for me, it was that I couldn't bear the thought of my abusive ex being nice to his gf (don't know if he is still with her) when he had been so awful to me. Because that implies that there was something about me that made him like that. In my head I know that that isn't true but it's very easy to blame yourself for how you were treated. And those sort of men do like to make you think that it's all your fault.

Don't forget though when you see your ex being charming to his new partner in public that that is not necessarily what he is like all the time. They can usually turn it on/off. Shortly after I split from my ex, I was talking to my FIL and he said to me that he could never understand how ex was always so nice to me, when he treated his parents and his sister so abysmally. But of course, they only saw so much - i.e. when he was on good behaviour with me and his bad side directed at them. It might be the same with future partners sometimes. Who knows? Main thing is being out of the relationship and, yeah, if we need to learn lessons to avoid walking into another one like that... do it.