would a person be abusive in all relationships all it depends on thier partner?

[complexo]

I'm just curious and wondering if for example an abusive man that is emotionally abusive to one partner would necessarily be emotionally abusive towards another or it depends on the partner's response or personality??

That is how I felt about the Engels book too. I came away from reading it with a conviction that couples should be seen separately if there is any suspicion of abuse of any kind. While each couple forms its own dynamic over time, I do not believe there is always a 50/50 contribution to dysfunction, or even 80/20.

(sorry, was agreeing with GF)

I've wondered about this as well. My violent ex now has a wife and two children.

Very good answers here, thanks.
Does anyone bother to read how my EX behaved towards me so I can find out if he was abusive or not, or if we just mismatched...
Hope I will remember everything.

It all started at UNI, I had just ended a relationship and have never noticed him or his group of friends before (they were a popular group at UNI and regarded themselves better than everybody else and didn't let much people in, and however where to get close to them had to fit a certain mould...they used to make fun of a lot of people for various reasons...) but I didn't know that and I started noticed EX looking at me and flirting with me a lot...I started to get puzzled since I sure did not fit their standarts...until one dayhe decided to spend the night at a party talking to me than insisted to take me home and to have my phone number...we ended up kissing but for me that was that...but he did not stopped calling me and asking me for dates and I slowly start getting interested in him...he finally asked me to be his gf and I accepted even though I did not feel 100% comfortable in his group (but felt very good when only with him alone). I can say that I could not bring myself to be myself when we were with his friends but I don't know exactly why and he must have noticed it...and he probably did not like it because we used to spend a lot of time with his friends and no time at all with mine since he didn't even wanted to get to know them...but what bothered me at this stage of the relationship is that as soon as we started dating he started saying that he noticed me because I could not stop flirting with him and I couldn't take my eyes of him...that was the first time i though he wanted to drive me crazy because I was pretty sure it was the other way round but he was adamant that it wasn't...and other thing was...after few dates he started to want to sleep with me, I wanted things to go slow, but somehow he hinted that if I didn't make sex with him soon , we would stop dating...I was already in love with him so I gave in even though the time for me wasn't right...

After that I remember us having a very good time, until we had holidays and did not spend together because we had to go and see our families in different places...he did say he loved me before I go but I did not say I loved him back, een though I did. We talked on the phone a lot during the holidays and when it finished and we were back at UNI I realised that he was very flitartious with other women and his EX started to play games and ask people to tell me she was the love of his life. I started to get very jealous and insecure and during this time he broke up with me about 3 times, always finding new gfs and showing them off, and than convincing me to get back to him...I always saw it as a sign of love as he was being with other women bit always chose me at the end...he started to treat me with indifference in front of his friends and stopped comunicating...started criticizing everything in me...the two things that most bothered me during this time was one day when we were walking together and his EX crossed our path in her car, he got really serious and moody, I asked him if it was something to do with her, and than he just phisically pushed me away from him, I did not fall but was so shocked...I walked away from him thinking that he was gonna come after me and apologise but he didn't, so I ended up going after him and apologising not sure for what ..round this time he started to wanting me to treat him like he was someone extra special and I had to do things exactly his way or he would get cross...we went to a party together and out of the blue he decided to go home, I said I was enjoying myself could we not stay a bit longer? he just tottaly ignored me and went away and I ended up running after him and begging him to take me...

Than holidays came again and he would stay at UNI because he needed to finish his masters degree and study for a schorlaship programme for international students (we are both from a south america country and this story is happning there), he wanted to go to an Asian country and everyone was saying to him that he was wasting his time and he would never be accepted...I was the only person who motivated him all the time and stayed with him during the holidays keeping company and helping...we were making plans to go to the Asian country together...when he got positive results, he dumped me immediatly and found another gf (old affair of his) straight away and later I found out they were communicating via email, her relatioship finished and she asked him on a date.
I was much devastated due our plans to move together to other country. This affair of his lasted a bit longer than the others and when I was tottaly healed, he stopped me on the street and asked me to marry him...I was very surprised and told him to end his relationship firts before even think about talking to me again..he ended with his gf on the same day and proposed again saying that he would go with me anywhere, he would give up going to the Asian country if I did not want to go...I did want to go and we got back together as fiances but he refused to buy me a ring

We got married and he went first because I had to finish my degree...during the time we were a part he sent me lovely letters, post cards, gifits and emails every week and I felt like a princess...he sent me money for my ticket and paper work...we used to talk on the phone every day and everything was beautiful...but as soon as I got there I knew something was very strange, he did not hug me properly or kissed properly at the airport and he was a but distant...he than started to put me down in every single way he could. eg. because I couldn't communicate, I couldnt speak english or the local language and he could, he learnt the local language very quicly and expected me to do the same but I am far from being as intelligent as he is (seriously) and he would always remind me that...I could not get on with his new friends due to communication..he would leave me out of various occasions and alone in the house because I could not fit in with his international students friends doing a doctors degree and I was a dumb housewife. He would say things like: look at me and the things I have achieved, what have you done for yourself? I started working but he would control my money and make me afraid of spending it...I had to check with him before I buy even though I had cash with me...if I didn't ask him he would criticize my purchase and put me down. I made friends but he was not interested in meeting them. If I had any problems he would not ge interested in listening telling me to suck it up and stop complaining. He became even mre fitness crazy forcing me to exercise and go to the gym and also criticize my body...and my fashion sense so he started choosing my clothes. And my hair too, to the point I shaved my hair not to get any more criticism about it.
He started to get flitartious and became very cold and snappy at me. But he hit me only once, a punch on my arm because one day I didn't want to have breakfast at the same time as him and a friend who was satying with us for few days. We had to have meals at the same time and he would get crossed if I ate before him. He always criticised my cooking and only his food was edible. We had to have shower together too unless I had shower at the gym. We would share the household work and he would check if I done things properly and if it wasn't up to his standards I would have to do again...he
wanted me to wake up when he woke up and I was not allowed to stay longer in bed, he would call me lazy...

and he was forcing me to take drugs too even though it made me sooo sick

Not sure why you are asking.
It is quite clear. :(

He is a truly horrible person, complexo.

I'm not surprised you feel self-doubt over what happened. His kind of person twists your mind, makes you afraid to think your own thoughts, confuses you until you don't know whether it's day or night. They can only do this by abusing your trust and love, which is what makes it so evil.

People like this want complete control over you. It's like a game for them - you know how a cat plays with a mouse? When they 'win' and get full control, they lose interest.

The answer to your OP question is: yes. Now you've shared some of your story, I will bet my life that he's doing the same now to somebody else. I'm so sorry it happened to you. I hope you feel safe now.

Thanks. It is good to know that I'm not 100% to blame. Funny thing is when I was under the impression it was all my fault I could feel I was able to forgive him and OW and even wish them happiness. But now knowing that he was just playing a game with me makes me very resentful towards both. She was a ?friend? of ours who pretended to like me to get closer and closer to him. I went to a one week trip to visit my mother and sister and he moved her in When I came back, first thing he said was he wanted a divorce, I agreed right away so he done whatever was possible to wow me back saying we could work things out and be happy. Once I agreed to stay he said he didn't want it anymore and bought my tickets home for me to travel over 14 hours alone on Xmas eve. I tried to survive, moved from my home country to London and when he found out told me by email that I should have consulted him 1st!!!! I told him to fuck off and he was truly shocked. Anyway he even made me pay for half of the costs of the divorce and I was glad everything was over. Now I just need wipe it all out of my memory for good.

I think that people who are in an abusive relationship (which exists only as an interaction between two parties) can sometimes go on to have further abusive relationships, and sometimes instead, change their own behaviour through self development or a realisation that they no longer wish to live this way or something else fairly random.

Unless there is some degree of self awareness though they will probably not change at all. Or very little, not enough to make it worth anything.

I don't think that someone who is abused is in any way to blame for the abuse, but I do think that certain relationships are made up of people who somehow interact in a way that enables the abuse, or inspires it - maybe there is a reminder of the abuser's parent's behaviour, or appearance, or kindness, and the abuser has issues with that parent which they don't even understand and will interact with that person as though they were in the place of the parent. That sort of thing.

Or they are just playing out a relationship pattern that they have witnessed as a child and think is how things ought to work - or it feels familiar to them - or something.
I think it has to be self awareness that enforces a change though. Not just what they can't get away with.

Though of course you can help protect yourself from abuse by not accepting certain behaviours from the start, ie rejecting the relationship involving them.

This IS anecdotal. DH's dad used to drink too much & beat up on his mum. Which everyone in the family knows about, MIL quite open.
After she left him he remarried a woman who, far as we know, he never dared thump. She publicly bossed him around, told him off if she felt the need, which MIL never would have done. The family consensus is that 2nd wife was (is) formidable & just what he needed, a woman who put him in his place.

I am not blaming MIL by the way!!
MIL's 2nd husband (of almost 30 yrs now) can be a grumpy sod to rest of us, but family consensus is that he would do anything for MIL & has always treated her very well.

I think there was a personality dynamic going on in the first marriage to bring out the worst in FIL & that MIL had to learn to assert herself, too.

I wonder why FIL was abusive, ever, though. Was it simple emotional immaturity? Was he whacked around ever?

Complexo. Well you know English very well now! How long ago was this?

Complexo, I think in your case it must have been only about 5% your fault - or less!

As to why he picked you instead of one of his 'glamorous' friends: Well, has it ever occurred to you that you were as pretty, interesting, funny, etc as the others? That the only person in your group who felt you didn't match up was ... you?

If you believed yourself a little bit inferior to them, a bully like your ex would notice that and see vulnerabilities he could exploit. Big-headed abusers love to find a woman who is gorgeous, popular and strong but who undervalues herself. She gives him 'status' combined with the opportunity to break her.

Ragged, it may simply be that FIL needs to be in abusive relationship. In his first marriage he was the abuser, probably as expected; second time around he gets to be the target.

Yes, it's very likely his own parents modelled an abusive relationship. Depending on his background, it may have been a school rather than his parents who did the modelling.

Kayanogal - I'm addressing this specifically to you because I fell into an abusive relationship with someone who also had low self esteem and a crap childhood with crap parents etc. - and because you seem to be still thinking that it partially excused the way he was (it's just the way you wrote it, you look like you feel it wasn't entirely his fault). With my ex, it made me put up with so much more shit than I probably would have from anyone else - and it's such a mistake. Not all people who have shitty childhoods turn into abusers, not all of them decide that everyone else needs to be brought down to size the way they were - and I used to mentally tie myself into knots to find excuses and alternative reasons as to why the bastard was so mean/abusive to me.

In the end though, it didn't matter WHY he did it - what mattered was that he DID it and thought it was ok to do it - that he could just dish out the pain that he had received in some kind of payback. It's a shit attitude and shows a major lack of empathy. My ex was also a pathological liar - almost every word out of his mouth was a lie, I came to realise that it was his automatic response to lie, he actually had to think before he told the truth! He didn't care if he was caught out in a lie either, would just fabricate another load of shit around it to try and confuse (gaslighting to some extent but so complicated!)

I suppose my point is - please stop thinking he ever had an excuse for it - he didn't, not really.

Complexo - your ex was a shit and an abuser, yes. And to answer your question, I think that most abusers will attempt to abuse anyone they're with but it's possible that there are some men who are not abusers as such, but marry the wrong person and then stay with them out of misguided loyalty but get so frustrated with them that they behave abusively, where if they were with someone else, they might not. Difficult to know but (and this is pure speculation on my part) I would think that the earlier and more classic the abuse is, the less likely it is that the person would ever be any different; if the abuse only started after many years together, then maybe it's situational rather than character (STILL doesn't make it right though OR excuse it).

I have been in London since 2005 and I'm now married to a Scottish man and have a child, have been to English school and have friends from all over the world, I also like reading and that is why I can communicate well now. I also learned the Asian country language fairly well and quickly but he always felt superior than me because he could speak that language and English too better at that time. I do realise I have been having self steam and low confidence issues throughout my life, have many issues with my father who may have been abusive as well as distant and with my mother who was too busy after divorce and slightly negletful. I always had a like for wrong man and sometimes I think my current husband would abuse me if I put up with his crap but I'm to wise to let it happen...more likely to happen the other way around tbh,

But there are two things about my ex that makes me laugh to this date...one day we were talking about something and I said my opinion, he had this awe on his face is disbelief and he told me : actually you are not as thick as I always thought......obviously I took as a compliment. Other thing was the last time when we had sex,(he had already asked for divorce) when we finished, he said: I will never forget your p*y and again it made my day...honestly how stupid was I?? And just for the record, I was a size 8 but it wasn't good enough and my hair was amazing, he used to love it and even OW was very jealous of it, and she said it herself many times.

But there are two things about my ex that makes me laugh to this date...one day we were talking about something and I said my opinion, he had this awe on his face is disbelief and he told me : actually you are not as thick as I always thought......obviously I took as a compliment. Other thing was the last time when we had sex,(he had already asked for divorce) when we finished, he said: I will never forget your p*y and again it made my day...honestly how stupid was I?? And just for the record, I was a size 8 but it wasn't good enough and my hair was amazing, he used to love it and even OW was very jealous of it, and she said it herself many times.

And I just remembered sone more little things:

he gave me STD but had 'no idea' how he got it... where it came from...

While he was waiting for me in the other country - aparently - he got some international student pregnant and made her do an abortion...(I found out a letter froma lady saying that she loved him and was gonna go back to her country and give up her studies becuase she loved him and knew I wa due to arrive...he told me it was a girl who was chasing after him but he never had anything to do with her..) Than, after we split, my friend whose husband was an international student too and knew all of the students, told me that everybody knew about ex affairs and the abortion...