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Original poster

is this unfair ?

71 replies

early80sgirl · 16/05/2012 20:30

my mum in law is 70 at the end of the month and has had a lovely few celebrations so far , city break with her family , party in her house , a couple of meals out , a show , etc , now the big finale to her month long celebrations is a party that we are having at our house for 22 adults and 7 kids all dh side im doing all the work for this party and have been told tonight that only my mum is invited from my side , i only wanted to invite one other aunt of mine who knows mil very well , he is adamant no she cant come !!!!! am i being unreasonable to ask this ?

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 17/05/2012 09:39

Surely the question here isn't whether the OP should invite her aunt or not - of course she bloody should (unless she is,indeed, prone to groping Grin); the real question is is it fair for dickhead there OP's DH to put here in a situation of stress and conflict when she is organizing a party for his fucking family?!

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 09:41

Whatever happened to the notion of marriage uniting 2 families? Hmm

meredeux · 17/05/2012 09:41

Who asked you to organise the party, Op? And how come it is at your house, not MIls?

HairyGrotter · 17/05/2012 09:42

Leave him to it, let him sort it. I'd take a day off and go somewhere :)

meredeux · 17/05/2012 09:42

how many children are there in MIls family? Say she had three and they are all married with children. Then should this "uniting" thing equally apply to the extended family of the other in laws?

meredeux · 17/05/2012 09:45

OMG Op, I hope you are not my SIL!

NotSureICanCarryOn · 17/05/2012 09:46

What a strange idea not to want to 'mix' families... Very much 'her side of the family, his side of the family' and that's it....

In the OP's case, the 2 persons she would like to invite are known and appreciated by her MIL for what I can gather. As it is a party for her MIL and it is supposed to be for her benefit and enjoyment, I am failing to see why it is an issue.

Also meredeux, it's not her DH family who isn't happy about it as it is in your case, it's her DH who is also very happy to let her getting on doing the organization, cooking etc... If he and his 'side' if the family wanted a 'family only' celebration, why don't they organize it themselves?

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 09:51

If they are being held at our respective homes, our family celebrations traditionally take the form of the more the merrier and, athough it's not always possible to invite everyone we'd like to see, they are not organised in an unnecessarily divisive manner.

If the OP is catering for c28 of his relatives, I can't see any harm in her inviting half a dozen of her own.

NotSureICanCarryOn · 17/05/2012 09:53

meredeux, assuming she is getting on with the other inlaws, I can't see why this would be an issue.

TBH, if this was suppose to be a 'close relative only' party, I would assume that this is something that would/should have been said right from the word go.
And I am still failing to see why she is then the one to organize it all Confused

meredeux · 17/05/2012 10:00

well, let's just say that the OP is my SIl.... I really hope you are not OP, as I would not want to hurt your feelings like this.... What happened was, we had a get together and we agreed to make DM's birthday special. SIl was there as were the other SIL and my DH. SIL comes from a small family, the rest of us have married people from large families. Somehow, SIL always seems to feel like an outsider. She's not happy to play the same role that the rest of us with our own in laws, i.e. close family, but not part of the nuclear family.

So we all met a few months ago and agreed to do something and then we made an outline plan. Next thing I know, SIL has gone off and formulated detailed plans which are based on the ideas she put forward at the meeting but which got rejected that night. DB loves her deeply and he will do anything to make her happy. So, he thinks we should love the plans she has made. But we don't. for a start they are too expensive for us and for seconds, we had something else in mind. We've tried to chop some of the more expensive parts off, but SIl clearly takes it as a personal insult when we want to modify anything that she has arranged. Obviously, we can't make our own plans because the dates would overlap and anyway, that would be just stupid as it would start a war which is the last thing anyone wants. However, if I find that SIL's aunt is coming along too, then I really think i would say something to SIL.

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 10:11

Your db may well love his dw deeply, meredeux, but I fail to see why that prevented you and/or any other relatives who are not in favour of your sil's plans from speaking out before she started putting them in place or from overriding her more grandiose expensive notions.

meredeux · 17/05/2012 10:15

she'd done it before we knew what was going on. The first we knew of what she was doing was when we started getting emails giving us details of what we needed to pay and when.

meredeux · 17/05/2012 10:17

She's even decided that we are going to give joint presents, and what those gifts would be. (I put a stop to that because luckily they had not yet been ordered, apart from one thing).

NotSureICanCarryOn · 17/05/2012 10:19

Agree with izzy.

Perhaps you sil is feeling an outsider because things work in a different way in her family just because it's smaller? So inviting more distant relative or inviting inlaws is OK because there aren't a lot of them which isn't the case for all the others in yur family because they are big families??

And then if she is told again and again, no we are not doing things this way but 'our' way which suits big families and not small families, then she feels pushed aside?

NotSureICanCarryOn · 17/05/2012 10:20

Sorry xpost.

Different issue there.

meredeux · 17/05/2012 10:22

You could be right, Notsure. I don't want to hurt her, I just want to be able to give my mother a good birthday. Surely SIL could restrict herself a little and lavish attention on her own mother instead?

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 10:24

When you got the emails you surely had opportunity to reply along the lines of no way, jose(fina), no?

You do realise that in allowing your sil to ride roughshod over the wishes of the majority, you're setting yourselves up for her to do it any time you decide to celebrate an event that is special to any of your 'nuclear family' members?

She'll award herself the title of 'CEO of celebrations' and none of you will get a look in word in as to what will be most appropriate, or what most will be in favour of.

You have been warned Smile

meredeux · 17/05/2012 10:26

Op - i don't think you are my SIL because rereading your post, some of the list is different. (Phew! I think we will both be relieved at that!)

meredeux · 17/05/2012 10:30

izzyizin - I do realise that. What choice? When someone tried to tell her gently that it wasn't quite what we had agreed to do, she got upset. So we backed off. If anything more was said, I fear she would have decided to not come and then DM would have been aware of the tension. This way, she does not know.

These sort of events are rare, so there will be few further opportunities for SIL to play self-appointed CEO of Celebrations (Like that phrase!). Next time, we'll just be careful to make sure she is clear that someone else will be doing it and SIL can just put her feet up and relax.

PostBellumBugsy · 17/05/2012 10:39

early80sgirl, this is one of those threads where I rub my eyes & wonder if I'm back in the 1980s. How is it in this day & age that a DH acts like some kind of dictator. Surely, it is a joint home & you jointly decide who you invite into your home. I just don't understand how it happens that one half of the partnership gets to dictate. What is he going to do if you invite your Aunt?

Meredeux - sympathy, but sounds like next time someone else needs to get in there first & be the master of ceremonies! Wink

PostBellumBugsy · 17/05/2012 10:40

Damn, meant to write "rub my eyes & wonder if I'm back in the 1950s!"

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 10:42

So she got upset? Meh. This is most probably how she controls gets her own way with your db and others.

Instead of 'gently', someone should have told her 'firmly' to butt out and the rest of you should have rallied round to support them.

'Rods' and 'backs' come to mind. Next time plan amongst yourselves and present your decisons as a fait accompli to your sil and your db.

meredeux · 17/05/2012 10:43

PostBellumBugsy - what do you mean to imply the 80s were chauvinistic! Smile I'll have you know that back in the 80s we thought we were very modern living in the post 70s feminism era, and we knew that we were nothing like the 1950's housewife ideal (which was our byword for all things chauvanistic and old fashioned!). I mean, we could have careers!!!

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 10:45

I do know how to spell decisions Grin

After you've made decisions, be decisive with your sil, meredeux.

solidgoldbrass · 17/05/2012 10:47

What reasons has your H given for not wanting your aunt to attend? Does he generally expect you to obey him?