MIL drunk in charge of DSD

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I am worried about DSD.

She spends anything from 2 - 5 nights a week with MIL. This is a problem (in my eyes) because MIL drinks every night, she waits until the DGC are in bed, gets drunk, sleeps it off and gets up for work in the morning.

Dp and his Ex don't see it as a problem as DSD is in bed while MIL is drinking and MIL gets up for work each day and keeps a clean house and functions normally throughout the day.

Does anybody know where social services would stand on this if they were ever to find out?

DP lives with me and my own DC and his EX lives with her mum. His EX has full custody of DSD and both parents have parental responsibility.

When you say MiL is that your DP's mum or his ex's Mum?

How old is the child / children?

How drunk (really) is the grandmother, - I mean is it a couple of drinks after kids have gone to bed or is it roaring drunk? and how would you know?

more information needed on this one..

It is DP's mum.

DSD is 4.

MIL and her family openly admit that she drinks of an evening, anything from a litre bottle of martini to 2, 2ltr bottles of cider.

SS would simply see that "MIL gets up for work each day and keeps a clean house and functions normally throughout the day"

so no issue til it actually impacts on DSD

Wow that does sound like a hell of a lot!

What does your DP think (i see he doesn't see it as a problem) have you actually said you think it's wrong? It may be that he's used to her being this way but "nothing bad has ever happened" so he's desensitised to it.

Why is the child spending so much of her time with the paternal grandmother when she supposedly lives with her mum?

Sounds like they are both (the ex and your DP) turning a blind eye for the sake of a free baby sitter.

Thanks cestlavie i had another topic in aibu, where this issue came up and a lot of posters felt that MIL drinking was an issue. I personally don't think it is right to leave DSD with a drunken MIL but wondered what SS would make of it.

It may be that he's used to her being this way but "nothing bad has ever happened" so he's desensitised to it.

• I agree with this completely!

TBH I have no idea why MIL has her so much, it is just how it has always been. Before he moved in with me DP lived with his mum so they were both having her together but now that he lives with me he is only allowed her 2 nights a week and MIL and DP-EX figure the rest of the time between theirselves.

If you're right about the volume of alcohol she's consuming and if she's the sole carer for the child through the night then I think it definitely needs addressing.

There is always the chance that something could happen in the night and MIL will be comatose and unable to react. Someone under the influence of that amount of alcohol shouldn't really be looking after a child imo.

So, erm why doesn't your partner look after her himself?

If your DP's mum has her for a significant amount of time, if your DP went to court for 50/50 care, he would very likely get it. That would be the next logical step.

I saw your other thread. I'd be pointing out to MIL that she might want to ponder on the fact that you're likely to be the mother of her next grandchild, and to think on whether she wants to have an equally close relationship with that grandchild, before she speaks ot you in that way again.

He is only allowed to have her 2 nights a week. He and his ex arranged for joint custody and MIL (dp's own mum) put a stop to it, she loves having DSD.

His EX won't disagree with MIL because she relies on her so much. MIL takes DSD to nursery while she is at work, then once she finishes at 1.30 she takes her home until her mum or dad collect her or she has her overnight. When DSD starts school in september MIL will be collecting her from school everyday.

How old is DSD?

A litre bottle of Martini between tucking a child into bed and collapsing yourself is, what, 15 units of alcohol necked in a two or three hours? That's 100 units of alcohol a week.

My ex used to drink around that amount and she is a self-confessed alcoholic. 100 units is three times the generally accepted "If you drink more than 35 units a week, you've got a problem" limit. And that's just the stuff the MiL is freely admitting to. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest that she's actually drinking more than that as alcoholics regularly lie about how much they drink.

There were two or three incidents when my DCs were staying with their mother and they woke up in the night. They couldn't wake their mum because she was pissed out of her skull and so they called me, terrified, to come and rescue them. Those incidents were enough for social services to tell me that if I didn't take our DCs in full-time, right then, they'd be taken into care. Our DCs were also put on the At-Risk Register until they could be sure that I would protect them from my ex's drinking.

And, yes, my ex would also get up every day for work and appear to function normally. What only became clear when she subsequently spent some time properly sober was that what I and everyone else assumed was "normal" for her was actually "continually at least a bit pissed". If you're drinking that much, that regularly, you're never properly sobering up before you start drinking again. And heavy drinking like this has a cumulative effect, too.

One final though - if the MiL knocked back a litre of Martini in an evening and was then breathalysed the following morning she'd probably still be over the drink-drive limit. I wouldn't let children into a car with her.

Snorbs - dsd is 4.

I agree with being over the limit the next morning, mil just laughed that off and said, I am a good driver I wouldn't be pulled over.

So if SS got wind of it where would that leave DP and his EX for willing leaving DSD with MIL knowing that she would get in this state? would DSD be taken into care?

How many threads have you started on this?

I have two threads, I posted in relationships but someone on a different thread suggested Chat as it has more traffic.

So glad you posted this, as I was looking for your other thread.

Your DP has clearly grown up with an alcoholic DM and sees it as normal, as does his DSis.

Your DSD is 4. It won't be long until she is 10 or so, and will MIL be able to wait until 8 or 8:30 before starting her drinking? Also, a 4yo may wake up with nightmares, or a fever, vommitting, wet sheets, and need an adult to assist her. A drunk woman cannot be left in charge of this child.

For your DSDs sake, you need to make it up with your MIL, so that you can have some input into her affairs. You really do need to keep banging on at DP and his Ex to see sense, and have DP get responsibility for her care.

I'm guessing that DP is quite young, early 20s, maybe? But he needs to get out from under his DMs thumb.

I'm wondering if an organisation like AlAnon for relatives of alcoholics could help him see that his alcoholic DMs behavior is unacceptable, (as is his, for allowing DSD to stay with her).

You guessed correctly at his age. I posted this thread twice, once in relationships and then in chat as I thought it would get more traffic. It seems a lot of people think it is acceptable and maybe even normal to be drunk once the dc are in bed.

I am more confused now then when I started. I always thought it was unacceptable but now maybe I am over reacting.

Sounds like she is a functioning alcoholic, much like my father. You are right to be concerned, however, if others around her are showing little to no concern, all you can do is keep an eye on the situation.

I encouraged op to post this

I was worried about consequence of her dp failing his duty of care by knowingly leaving her with alcoholic mother over night?

What if any action will ss take?

Will it have any repercussions for op and the children they have together?

You are not over reacting at all, she should not be drinking that much in charge of a 4 year old, and she should not be driving the next day.

Personally I would report her to social services and to the police
they can pull her over and breath test her if they have a tip off

as far as ss are concerned, im not too sure what they would do about saying dsd should or should not be left with dmil, they would need to asses her parenting capacity so that would not be clean cut as far as her ability to pull the wool over theri eyes and the ability of the sw to understand this.

They would need to look at a number of issues to asses wether dsd was at risk of harm etc. However what they would do regardless is help support dp to keep his dd safe, they would not make a quick judgement on this they would very much work with him and support him in doing so as long as he can prove in a given time frame he is capable and willing to do this.

But he would also need to be willing to face up to this as an issue, as in failing to do so, he would not be putting his dd first in mainatining her safety.

I would not get ss involved just yet as I belive your dp needs to take this seriously first and be given the chance to take it seriously, would you be willing to have dd stay with you for the nights she should be with mil.

I think you could discuss with dp in terms of providing dd with a stable home enviroment and your willingness to provide that. If that then fails I would contact ss, however you do risk your relationship as dp may feel betrayed. Ivf he is willing I would then go to solicitor and seek an order to secure this.

sadly if not I would be questioning my choice of partner as I would not want to persoanly turn a blind eye to this and continue to be party to this childs unsettling home life.

Frankly, I'm quite angry at the EX. She leaves her DD with her XMIL because it's convenient to do so. She doesn't have to take responsibility for looking after her, but still gets to claim benefits, as if she is.

Your MIL won't do anything about it, because it suits her. Your DP won't do anything about it because he is scared of his DM, and also desensitised to her behaviour, presumably having grown up with it.

Your MILs drinking is not currently a problem for her. It would be more of a problem for her if she lost her access to her DGD. It may even encourage her to face her addiction. (I know these things are never simple, though.)

As has been said above, maybe your best chance of resolving this is to make her understand that access to her new DGC will be severely restricted if she continues to drink like this.

And do encourage your DP to try to see that his own childhood, as the child of an alcoholic (I'm assuming) was not "normal".

And please try to make it up with MIL, because you may be the only voice of reason, and alienating yourself from the her could, in effect, be turning your back on this little person who really needs you.

My stbxh is a functioning alcoholic

My solicitor has warned my that I must demonstrable protect my dc against any danger that he could potentially put them in. Or SS will be involved. I haven't discussed the details of this with her yet, but I imagine not leaving a 4 yo overnight with the alcoholic would be pretty minimum requirement??

I can't believe that ss aren't going to seriously question ops dp ability and judgement to be a parent

I wondered if this would affect the child's resident parent status and even access?

Also, more importantly for dp will it affect her dc? If her dp cannot be trusted to act in the best interest of his children?

I imagine that authority figures will become alerted to situation when dsd starts school and chats about her nannies drinking. And MILK is rocking up drunk to drop off dvds at 9am

Snug social workers know what the impact will be?

Sorry- missed snorbs post. It pretty much tallied with info I wad given

Will OP herself be incriminated for not protecting dsd? Knowing she stays with drunk MIL and not alerting SS?

You are not over reacting at all. See my post on your thread in chat. If something were to happen you mil reactions would be slower, she won't be able to drive or she might not want to do anything as she would be drunk. I know it is unlikely that your dsd would wake up with a serious illness but if she did and mil is drunk every night I don't rate your dsd chances. Dm is an alcoholic and I would never trust her with my ds overnight.
And for all those people who say a couple of glasses/half a bottle every night or however much she drinks. Really every night? She might be a functioning alcoholic but alcoholic is still there in that description for a reason.

Have I got this right - MIL is driving the next morning? She will probably still be over the limit. There is a very good reason the police run random breath-testing in the mornings. That would be enough for me to put an end to it.

Some of the dangers my stbxh put us in, whilst drunk;

Left door unlocked at night
Left baby gate open at tip of stairs
Started to cook and then passed out. I was woken on a number of occasions by the house filling with smoke
Left gas on over night
Not vigilant with knives scissors-both been left in reach of baby