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Original poster

divorcing and reconciliation?

29 replies

worrydog · 16/05/2012 14:19

Hi, I'm in the middle of getting divorced, filed for decree nisi.

I was very sure I did not want a relationship with my husband (he was horrendous to live with over years, and did not respect me as a person) and I am divorcing him for his unreasonable behaviour.

The thing is, I am having doubts. We have been separated for 5 months and I have been really sad, tearful and angry with him, but coping ok. Now, I feel so alone and sad, I'm wondering if there is any hope of a reconciliation? I still overwhelmingly feel I don't want to be married to him, so I am continuing with the divorce, but I can't help but think about getting back together too, perhaps with a different set up post-divorce.

We didn't split up because of a lack of love, more a lack of respect (both ways) and his nasty behaviour which was possibly caused by a medical condition.

Has anyone else done this or experienced similar doubts?

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 16/05/2012 14:25

Truthfully, it sounds to me like you are simply grieving for the end of a marriage. It must all feel very sad, painful and final. I'm sure it's quite normal to feel as you do, but really you are clutching at straws.

If there is no respect, he is 'nasty' to you and he was 'horrendous' for many years - how do you propose you will get divorced but thrive in a 'different setup post divorce'? Doesn't make sense. And if you children then that would be horribly confusing for them.

I am not an advocate of divorce by a long, long shot, believe me. But you have got this far in the process because your marriage was untenable.

I think you should allow yourself to be angry and sad and let it all out but accept it's over.

Lovingfreedom · 16/05/2012 14:29

Yes is the short answer to your question, experienced similar doubts?. It's natural to have doubts. First you are grieving for the life you thought you had and the person you wanted your husband to be. Secondly, you are not yet used to being on your own and perhaps at about this point the relief of being out of the immediate stress of the relationship has died down a bit. You're doing well to be at divorce stage so quickly. Sounds though from your message that you are pretty sure you are doing the right thing. You will feel sad at times and you will move on. Every time I feel like that I either phone my sister or write things down in a journal (or come on MN). Expect to feel pretty upset and overwhelmed when it comes to signing papers and other milestones. Again, it's the life you thought you had in front of you that you're grieving. It's daunting too at this stage when you realise that it's up to you now. But don't forget that you have a whole load of new opportunities in front of you that you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed living with a man who was 'horrendous to live with' and with 'nasty behaviour'. And you're not on your own...make use of your friends and family. Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2012 14:56

Doubts are normal. Sales people call it 'buyer's remorse'.... you sign on the dotted line for some big ticket item, quite a serious decision, you're totally happy with it, but as the days tick by you get the collywobbles wondering if you've done the right thing. That's why contracts tend to come with a 'cooling off period'... recognises that changes of heart are normal.

Divorcing someone is obviously more serious than a big purchase but it's essentially the same thing. You know what you've done is right and makes total sense but you're feeling lonely, sad and tearful at the moment so it's shaking your confidence. There's no 'different set-up' relationship when it comes to an abusive man.

Original poster
worrydog · 16/05/2012 21:50

Thanks for your replies. Everything you say makes sense. I am grieving for the lost relationship and the life I thought I was going to have. My confidence is shaken at the moment and I am finding life tough. I did have a lot of relief at the end of the relationship which has faded now.

We separated when I realised he was not going to change if things continued the way they were. I thought it was over, that there was no hope, especially because he couldn't understand why I wanted to split up with him. Since then, he has been to the doctors, has sorted out a physiological problem which was causing a mood disorder (symptoms including irritability, grumpiness etc.)and is going to therapy to try to find his way out of depression.

I'm not sure if he was abusive or just depressed and horrible. I still wonder if there might be a way forward. I am thinking of getting some counselling on my own to explore the idea.

When I say a 'different set up', I mean going to couples' counselling, then maybe starting again at the dating stage (without the children knowing) and trying to work towards an equal relationship. Maybe I am clutching at straws?

OP posts:
Leverette · 16/05/2012 22:17

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Lueji · 16/05/2012 22:21

You don't mean reconciliation.

You mean any chance of him changing. And that would be a no, if he hasn't even tried during these 5 months.

Lack of respect and nasty behaviour is lack of love, I'm afraid.

Original poster
worrydog · 16/05/2012 22:22

He would like it but knows he can't treat me how he did. He knows he has to sort himself out first. He is genuinely devastated by the divorce, and seems to be now taking responsibility for his bad behaviour. I'm so unsure and I have told him I can't see it ever working, but would like to see if there is any hope.

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/05/2012 22:24

And reading the last post Blush, he seems to be going through the motions, but only consider any changes in status quo when/if he does change his behaviour and for a looooooong period of time.

Original poster
worrydog · 16/05/2012 22:25

Oh Luigi, that's what I am afraid of. I think I just want him to love me.
And you are right, I do mean any chance of him changing!

OP posts:
Leverette · 16/05/2012 22:27

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Original poster
worrydog · 16/05/2012 22:29

Lueji sorry I spelt your name wrong, and crossed posts twice! How long would be a looooooong period of time? I think it would take a long time before I could trust him again.

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/05/2012 22:34

Initially I gave ex 6 months, without ANY bad behaviour.
I would go for longer now.
(not that it mattered in his case, he barely lasted 1 month)

That's not trying, it's different behaviour.

The problem is that living apart and even dating is quite different from living together.
And you have to ask yourself, if he doesn't know why you are divorcing him, how can he possibly change?

Why don't you keep an open mind, but no promises?

Original poster
worrydog · 16/05/2012 22:38

Leverette, I really don't feel like putting the divorce on hold. Maybe I should, but I just feel I need to get it done. I think our marriage is over, but maybe we could have a relationship without being married so he would never have the same control over me.
He hasn't expressed a desire for me exactly, but has said he was always afraid of losing me. I do worry that he is more upset about losing the family home and his position as husband.

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Original poster
worrydog · 16/05/2012 22:42

An open mind, but no promises. I like that.
Lots to think about here.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 17/05/2012 10:33

You can get a legal separation without a full divorce. Then you have all the financials etc sorted but are still technically married. Dunno. Just a thought.

Original poster
worrydog · 17/05/2012 13:50

That's interesting. How is that done?

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 17/05/2012 14:01

Ask your solicitor. You can see a solicitor free of charge usually for initial consultation. I'm in Scotland so I don't want to tell you too much if you're working on different details due to different legal system but you get legal separation in English law too. www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_marriage.htm
You agree the share of matrimonial assets, any maintenance payments, can include arrangement for DCs etc. Also severs legal bonds for inheritance, occupancy rights etc etc. Way to sort out finances etc before/instead of divorce. However, you would need your husband to agree to this. You can't 'file' for separation as such.

Lovingfreedom · 17/05/2012 14:15

Prob best to get some advice from MNers based in England. I'm not sure what the benefit of separation over divorce would be. You don't need to demonstrate proof, apportion blame or go to court for a separation. Seems like a very common approach in Scotland to go for separation first...

foolonthehill · 17/05/2012 14:26

Separation is a fact rather than a legal process.

Divorce is the only way to become actually independent of him.( Judicial separation is rarely used and is mostly for those who object to divorce on ethical/religious grounds). Separation can include a legal order determining financial and child contact provisions and may be a position before proceeding to divorce at a later date.

IMHO you really need to sort out how much you are feeling grief for the relationship you hoped for but never had, what are for the man as he is and what are for you and your view of yourself.

5 months is no time at all, I am 6 months separated from a violent and abusive man...yet I still grieve for what might/should/could have been.

Sustained change for me would be over a period of 2 years or more with gradual increasing contact/intimacy. There is no way my OH will get there...he's worse if anything.

I wish you well and hope that you can work out what you want and what it is possible for your husband to do.

Lovingfreedom · 17/05/2012 14:33

In Scotland more common as a precursor to sort out financials before starting divorce proceedings. I think my original suggestion might be a bit of a red herring in this case. Sorry OP!

Original poster
worrydog · 17/05/2012 15:41

that's ok... I've been thinking and I'm pretty sure I want the divorce.

Even if he does sort himself out it will take longer than the time it takes to get the divorce. I think I will feel more settled once the divorce is final... maybe!

Foolonthehill it is so hard to separate feelings, I just keep going round in circles.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 17/05/2012 19:06

yes, it's mind scrambling isn't it? But I believe clarity will come with time though you would be inhuman if you didn't feel something for him after all you have lived a life together and it wasn't all bad!

Seeing your feelings it as a sign of your compassion and humanity may help you to keep them in perspective.....

best wishes to you

Original poster
worrydog · 17/05/2012 22:45

just got more complicated. I think (not sure) he has a girlfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
worrydog · 17/05/2012 22:46

I can't stop crying.

OP posts: