Does anybody else know that they are incompatible with their partners but stay for the sake of the children?

[feelokaboutit]

H and I now in counselling, we have so far been three times. While there has been a slight shift between us and things are easier and less argumentative, it is becoming very apparent that we seem to want completely different things out of our relationship.

However, even though counselling is kind of confirming what I already knew about our incompatibility, the fact that is has so far made our day to day life slightly easier is making me think that actually, if things become "ok" between h and I, then there is no way that I could justify a separation.
I think a separation would be devastating for all concerned (including me), but living with someone whom I seem to understand so little and vice versa, and whom I find critical, unaffectionate, controlling, cynical and closed, and who finds what I want over the top and literally doesn't understand it (ie. us to be best friends and to communicate deeply without becoming angry and blaming), is making me feel very lonely and depressed - kind of disassociated from life and other people .
Does any of this make sense??

Actually I am not sure if h actually wants anything out of our relationship apart from a tidy house (which he doesn't always get!!) and looked after children.

In a similar situation myself so reading with interest (although don't feel a separation would be devastating for me - interestingly).

Children are not best off in a household where the people don't like each other.

Do you want your children to grow up to settle for an unhappy relationship like you and your husband have?

Makes total sense to me.
Well done for getting your H to go to counselling. That's a great start that you both want to work on the relationship.
However, it sounds from your post that you have resigned yourself to the fact that,even after counselling, you are not compatible and you will probably never be happy with him.
I too am in a similar boat as you, except my DP flatly refused counselling. We have an 18 month old DD and I have decided to separate from him as I know we are just not compatible, sexually, or emotionally. It is devestating yes, but what would be more devestating is to stay together with someone I know that I don't truly love anymore and in a relationship that doesn't make me happy. I feel that DD will sense the unhappiness when she is old enough and I would hate for it to affect her and have the wrong model of what a happy and loving relationship should be.

I asked myself the following questions when I thought about separating or whether I should stay together for the sake of our DD.

1. If I look at the next 20 years with the man I'm with, how does it make me feel?

1. Am I prepared to waste the rest of my life living a lie with someone I know doesn't make me happy anymore and if I do stay, how much will that guilt affect me?

1. Is it better for DD to grow up with two parents together who aren't happy together or to grow up with two parents apart who are happier but still love her?

Only you know in your heart of hearts what you feel is right but from your post it does sound like you've already made your mind up but are too scared of the effect it will have on everyone to make the jump. Perhaps write a mental list of how things will be if you are still together in ten years time.......then write a list of how things could be if you were apart in ten years time. The first one you will probably know the answer to....the second, well, you won't know as you are entering the unknown. That can be very scary, but also it could be exciting.

Time to ask yourself some very hard questions and be totally honest with your answers.

No I don't want them to settle, but am hoping that things will become easier and easier between h and I and the atmosphere has improved since beginning counselling. It will mean however, that I have to accept that h views some things very differently from me and that I don't really like some of the outdated opinions he has of me. It also means that I will carry on feeling lonely some of the time as h feels much less need to talk about things than I do and is very very self sufficient and independent.

Thx beyondconfused, you sound very brave. I think it's a good idea to make the move while your dd is so very young as she will grow up never really having known any different, and will be very happy with the status quo of two loving but apart parents.
Our dc are now 6, 8 and 10 and very vocal and I think they would have loads to say were we to separate. I know it could still be done if h and I were on the same page and sensitive to their needs.
Your list idea sounds like a good one. Part of the problem is that I don't know if I am expecting too much.

I too have not been perfect in this relationship so I suppose if I up my game and give h everything I think it is fair to give in a relationship, I could then know that I had done my best to improve things. If then in six months time I still feel this suffocating sense of loneliness, it might be time to move on.

And the burning question is, would divorce improve the suffocating sense of loneliness or make it worse??? That coupled with the knowledge that I had torn everybody's lives in half???

Ah yes, I see, you have 3 children and at vulnerable ages :( Makes the dilemma a million times worse. I guess that is why I am separating now, so my DD won't ever have known anything different.

I think it's great that you are willing to give it all that you can give, and if you still feel the same way then at least you know you have done all you can. That is the right attitude in my humble opinion.
I too have questioned myself about expecting too much. What I have come to realise I think is that we all have our own individual expectations and if those needs or expectations aren't met then we are going to feel unhappy. I mean, one person could be totally not bothered that their partner works all of the time and spends little time helping around the house because they don't expect them to help if they pay the bills, another person could feel very unhappy that their partner fails to support them around the house and uses the fact that they work as an excuse to not help.
Perhaps have a think about what you want/need/expect from a relationship and then see how many of those your DH meets. See which of those expectations you could compromise on and see which are very important to you.

God, this is therapy for me let alone you!! ha ha
Shame I can't take my own advice!

Ps - none of us are perfect in our relationships, we can only do the best we can and recognise our own shortcomings and try our best to work on ourselves to be better.

Thank you Beyondconfused . Yes, will stop beating myself up about my own shortcomings and work on them instead!
Yes the lack of physical day to day affection between h and I really bothers me, but on the other hand, is this enough to separate over?? It's not only that, it's my inability to talk to him about stuff which really matters to me for fear that he will dismiss it as unimportant. Plus I really do not like the set up we have where he is the breadwinner and owner of the house and I am the dependent person at home (am hoping to find work soon but will never bring in big bucks, not that he does either, but his earning potential is bigger than mine). It feels as if I am living with my father in some ways, and he is in fact 12 years older than me so there may historically have been some need to have a father figure. Now that I want/need to be equals however, he doesn't have a clue what I am talking about.
Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out well for you and your dd.

Dismiss it as unimportant or become short tempered about it.

When I said (in the counselling session) that I would like to be able to discuss things together, ie. how our relationship was going or our plans for the future, h dismissed this completely and said something along the lines of me wanting a relationship that I had read about in a magazine. I think he thinks of me in quite a patronising way actually.

You sound similar to the situation I was in with my marriage.

We had also been to counselling three times. In the end, I feel in love with someone else and left, because the someone else made me feel safe, looked at me in the eyes and smiled, held my hand, made me cups of tea, cooked me dinners, cuddled me for hours and never raised his voice or got angry because I dared to disagree with him.

Because actually, as it turns out, that last thing isn't very nice. And someone who loves you would treat you nice. So your husband is actually not very nice at all.

I got out. It was fine. Better to be in my nice peaceful home where I can buy things and play music and watch television without having to justify my every move or face an angry man every evening.

xx

Remember that you matter just as much as the other members of your family. And, particularly if you have DDs, it's not great to teach them that women must obey men, keep the peace and put their own lives on hold just so as not to be single. If your H can't compromise and treat you like a valid human being that he likes and respects, get rid.

Children never turn round to Mum and say 'gee thanks for staying with Dad, denying your own happiness and being miserable all the time we were growing up'. They know full well what's going on. In fact children who grow up in a household where parents are not happy with each other are often very poor at forming healthy adult relationships in due course... They often feel they are responsible for keeping their parents happy, develop approval-seeking, peace-keeping behaviour to do so, and end up being overly tolerant of unacceptable behaviour from future partners.

Good luck

I'm glad you got out thebighouse....

Thx for your messages. Yes I am aware of possible damage to my children's future relationships if they use us as a blueprint but am hoping that the counselling will either improve things between us to a significant degree or that I have the courage to move on. It's very very difficult to know what is right and what is wrong, if I am expecting too much, and how much of my loneliness is to do with my own unfulfilled life rather than our un-communicative non relationship. In short it's very difficult to trust my feelings!! I have a depressive tendency and don't think I should blame h for that. On the other hand it is certainly true that we have a very difficult vision of what a relationship should be like, and I have reservations as to whether he actually cares anyway.

"different" vision - freudian slip!!

I desperately want my independence but feel as if divorce is the only way I would be able to get this???

Well that isnt a good scenario at all.

He doesnt sound respectful, and that is a very poor basis. He doesnt see what the issue is, as he prefers to have all of the power and control, doesnt he?

I am sure you will come to your own decision in time. The only area where I think you should be much clearer in your head is regarding what you said about the children- 'if they use you as a blueprint'.

Children will always use their parents in some way in order to form relationship patterns. Yours will too, and it will be years before the subtleties of that learning become clear to you both, as it is still developing.

I never felt more lonely than during the last 2 years of my marriage. Living with someone, who you hope & want to be your partner, when there is no positive emotional connection, is soul destroying.
9 years on, I can honestly say I am much, much less lonely on my own.

What you seem to be saying is that you tend towards low moods and you don't know if your feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and lack of fulfilment are solely attributed to your own frame of mind or whether they are exacerbated by - your words - a partner who is critical, unaffectionate, controlling, cynical and closed and who doesn't take you seriously. IMHO even someone with the sunniest, most optimistic personality will end up feeling dejected if subjected to ill-treatment for long enough. I know, I have been that person.

Being grateful for small improvements in behaviour is like the tortured prisoner being thankful that they're not pulling his fingernails out any more and he only has endure being electrocuted. The only way you'll work out whether you are better off independent is to remove either you or him from the picture for a time. Divorce is neither inevitable nor compulsory, but I think you owe it to yourself and your children to experience life without your husband and see if it is actually better or worse. I have a tenner here says you'd quickly discover that you don't have depressive tendencies after all.

Totally agree Cogito. You are not really the problem, it's not you that's constantly crushing and putting down the person you purport to love.

Thanks for your thoughts.
I have sometimes thought what a trial separation would be like but I think that would be very traumatic for the family as well and given h's character I think he would take massive offence at that as well, and ask himself why on earth he should have to have extra strain put on finances (money situation not good and he works very hard).
I think in some ways my life would be easier and more peaceful without h, but on the other hand maybe my depressive tendencies would then be exacerbated by the stress of divorce, my loss of control and only seeing the children half the time or whatever the arrangement would be .
I do remember feeling despondent about different things long before h was on the scene - a job that I found unfulfilling for example but that I stayed in hoping things would change... Then moaned about it incessantly when it didn't .
I don't know. It's very difficult. I just know that I feel a crushing kind of loneliness and sort of hopelessness but don't know how to make it better.

Oh god your talking about me and dh too...

No councelling but can second all you say about him and his thoughts and you and your feelings...inc job!

I'm in same boat, going away this wkend but when I come back need to make a decision. We split 18 mth ago and then got back together as I wanted us to be a family again. I felt lonely (but not for dh) and felt such sorrow over 'never doing that as a family again'. Heart wretching. Then today was reading a thread about grieving for the marriage and relationship you should of had and it made sense. I think I need to give myself a chance to grieve this time (just realised I'm talking about doing it! Subconcious mind at work maybe!) and roll with it all. Financially I'm worried he's going to bugger around. And now I'm thinking he wont' be cross just really sad and guilt trip me back into the marriage like last time.

Hope you make the right choice for you....but I'm sat here hoping you leave as you sound so unhappy. I remember when i was 15 my parents talked about separating (using me as sounding board - thanks for that parents ) they didn't in end but I remember how scared I felt about what would happen, where would we live, finances, how would my mother cope (she's not the coping type), but still felt they would be happier people apart as they made each other miserable. 20 years on they are still together...

What brought you together in the first place? You obviously had something in common once. Dh & I are completely different but we get on. I think are differences make us better