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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mother doesn't like my boyfriend. and us still in touch with my violent ex

36 replies

hillybilly2012 · 15/05/2012 18:50

My mother thunks its OK to still speak to my violent ex husband. (Who I have one child with) he never sees his daughter or bothers to ask about her.
I left him almost 3 years ago after he put me in hospital for not having his tea ready.

I now have a new boyfriend and we have one child together and another on the way. My mother won't even have him in her house or cone to our house if he is in. She calls hun the bastard.

She has never given me a good reason as to why she doesn't like the boyfriend and still thinks its OK to be mates with the ex what do I do??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 18:52

cut her out of your life ?

it's an option

5318008 · 15/05/2012 18:57

gosh yes, consider cutting contact

obv a big step - would it help you to make a list of the benefits she brings to you and your family, and obversely the problems caused by her intransigence

RabidAnchovy · 15/05/2012 18:57

Cut the bitch out of your life pronto

Original poster
hillybilly2012 · 15/05/2012 19:00

I've considered cutting her out but I'm her only child, my boyfriend says he doesn't care but I do. A pros and cons list is a good idea

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 15/05/2012 19:02

What has you being her only child got to do with it?

She clearly doesn't seem to care that her only child was hospitalised for not having tea ready.

Original poster
hillybilly2012 · 15/05/2012 19:05

Because without me she has no family my dad died 6 years ago

OP posts:
RabidAnchovy · 15/05/2012 19:06

Maybe your EX husband could look in on her as she clearly values him over you, let him be her family now

Flisspaps · 15/05/2012 19:06

That's no reason to keep her in your life Sad

She's got your ex for company anyway!

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 19:10

cut her out, and tell her she can adopt your violent exH as her new "only child"

oikopolis · 15/05/2012 19:16

if she ends up alone, it's because she's a horrible cow, and that's not your fault you know! there are consequences to treating your child like utter shit.

why are you worried about her in any case, she seems not to care about you at all?

ginmakesitallok · 15/05/2012 19:19

I can't imagine staying friends with someone who hospitalised my daughter (for whatever reason!) Sad

Anniegetyourgun · 15/05/2012 19:36

If you being her only child mattered to her, she'd support you. You'd support your child regardless, wouldn't you? You'd despise an ex-partner who'd hurt them. You'd welcome with open arms a new partner who made them happy. That's what proper parents do, you know.

Original poster
hillybilly2012 · 16/05/2012 07:37

Thanks for all the replies. I went to visit her last night and told her she has to choose between my exH and me. And if she chooses me then she has to accept my partner. She said she would never accept him as she believes I belong with the exH so i walked out and I will never be going back, as hard as it is I have to think of myself and my family.

Thanks guys

OP posts:
NamesKerry · 16/05/2012 07:42

What a vile woman. Sorry Op, but I wouldn't dream of

NamesKerry · 16/05/2012 07:44

Damn phone. What I meant to say was I wouldn't dream of treating my daughter like that. What person would want their child to return to a violent ex?

Lueji · 16/05/2012 07:47

Sending hugs.

It must be very hard, but definitely the best thing for you.

Original poster
hillybilly2012 · 16/05/2012 08:10

No I have 2 daughters and another on the way and I would never ever treat them like that they are my pride and joy they come first no matter what. That's why it hurts so much that she will treat me like that.

I wouldn't mind but she didn't like the exH when we got together but now they are best mates

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 16/05/2012 08:40

HillyBilly, I'm sorry it turned out this way but I really think you have to leave her behind, what choice do you have, when she's shown her loyalty to someone who put you in hospital. It's just totally skewed, not very maternal behaviour at all. I think you are right to concentrate on your own family, are there other nicer family members out there too who you can have contact with?

I could not accept this from my mother, it's just totally unacceptable behaviour. I think there's a thread about toxic parents, perhaps have a read and you will realise you are not alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2012 08:51

Violent men are often very persuasive and flattering and your mother has fallen for the charade. Her appalling wrong priorities aside, I'd be ashamed to be related to someone that stupid.

SkinnyVanillaLatte · 16/05/2012 09:01

I really think you've done the right thing. I realise it's not easy.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness.

She is making her own (very poor) choices,and although,quite obviously, that impacts you considerably,it's neither your fault nor your responsibility.

I wish you all happiness with your lovely new family - invest in your children,not in your mother.

2rebecca · 16/05/2012 09:05

I could understand a parent wanting to keep in touch with an ex son in law, provided she isn't wanting to invite him to family occasions or invite him round whilst you are there. given the violence of the marriage it seems unsupportive. Not accepting your current boyfriend is unacceptable if you are an adult. It isn't her place to decide who is and isn't a suitable boyfriend for you.
To me she isn't acting like a mother so the word "mother" doesn't apply to her in any meaningful way.
I would have very little to do with her.
You aren't cutting her out of your life, she is cutting you out by refusing to accept you are an adult who makes her own choices and that if you are to have a relationship she has to accept your choices.
I wouldn't never see her again, that approach always seems overly melodramatic to me. I would just rarely contact her and not visit if she continues to not accept your current partner.
I presume in time you'll get married and the exhusband will be far less of an issue. Refusing to accept someone's husband looks sillier than refusing to accept a boyfriend.

NicNocJnr · 16/05/2012 09:06

WTAF did I just read??

OP congratulations on your pregnancy! I bet DP and DCs are thrilled and excited.

Well done for cutting out your ''mother'' - I meant that sincerely too. It's hard.
I have some of my own theories about your mother and the history that has led her to be fluffing your EXH like she is. However the point is as charming as abusive men can be there would be not one single thing he could say or do that would encourage me to let him near my daughter, GD or home. One doesn't kick oneself or accidentally hit yourself so hard in the face with a pan you accidentally land oneself in hospital. People aren't ffing looney toons.

In the same way your ExH made his choice to behave that way your mother has made her choices. She is alone as she chooses the wrong option for many people obviously. She chose. Not your fault, guilt or problem. Enjoy the lovely new addition to the family x

NicNocJnr · 16/05/2012 09:14

Sorry I meant 2rebeccas post.

Yeah, you've done the right thing. No don't follow that train of thought because she is an abuser too. Maybe I should say emotional manipulator with an inordinate sense of entiltlement over you and no apparent idea of apropriate boundaries sound familiar

2rebecca the generally accepted wisdom is that one doesn't go and spend time with damaging people. Did you read that OP mother supports the man that put her in hospital from a violent beating (sorry OP)?

Should OP let the GD1 see the GM?? So she can be thrust back into the ''loving'' arms of a physically abusive man? Or would you accept the disrespect and derriding of your beloved, kind DP, the father of children with you and general all round good egg because your mother thinks you belong with the man that beat you up?!

RabidAnchovy · 16/05/2012 09:21

HillyBilly you have done the right thing. Stay strong and keep her the hell away from you family x

2rebecca · 16/05/2012 09:34

I think you have only read the first line of my post. I said I would have very little to do with her.

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