I think I have got a phobia about socialising with dh's clique of friends

[CrazyBabies]

I am worried that I am going to sound like a fruit cake, so please bear with me. I am feeling down, sensitive, have started taking st johns wort as v low.

My husband has know this clique of frineds for about a year now. He works with 2 of them so sees them day in day out. They seem like perfectly ok people, but the problem lies in the fact that they are not my friends or the sort of people I warm to and most of all feel comfortable with. Over the past year there have been lots of social occasions/parties, and I have tried to become friends, they are nice to me, vice versa, but I just haven't clicked with them, and have tried.
I have quite a lot of my own friends, most of them have young children so aren't into the late party stuff, and a few single friends, who, like me, are gentle, quite shy,but we get on really well and feel relaxed with one another.
The problem lies in the fact that I think I have become phobic.
Just the mention of one of the guys in particular makes me shudder, and my dh adores him!!!!!!!
I cried myself to sleep last night worrying about the years and years of social occasions yet to come. Most weeks it seems like we are being invited to giong out with them.
Last weekend, dh and I had a dinner party for two of our closest friends. A couple of hours before dinner, my dh says that they are having a bbq over the road/party and we are welcome to go over with the friends too.
I was so stressed by this and got into an arguement with dh, felt really crap and annoyed. Just feel we always have to see them.
Hope I don't sound too pathetic, its so hard to explain how I feel.
Also last night dh and I were discussing hols... i had been looking at portugal, but flights expensive. dh then pipes up, how about lake Garda, Italy. It looked lovely and was cheaper, then dh said, thats where so and so used to go with his family when a child... It made me feel crap, I am filled with dread all the time, and think I have a phobia towards them!!!!
I dont "fit in" with this group, I tense up and struggle to make conversation.
I have tried to explain how I feel, dh does't get it.
Since dh turned 40 I feel he needs to go out every weekend. i like a mixture of one night in, next weekend a night out.
I think I am jealous of his relationship with this particular guy, he's funny etc and mr socialite, whereas I am a bore!!!!!

Are you a SAHM? I would have thought this was quite a common scenario to be honest

To be honest I think you might have a problem with social anxiety.

If you don't like his friends, that's one thing. But to have an argument because you have been kindly invited to a barbecue? And to describe yourself as having a phobia of people? And the weird thing about the holiday?

Are DH's nice people? Kind, funny, tolerant people? You cannot spend the rest of your life just hanging round with people you already know / feel comfortable with. What if they move away / you move away? Unless you have a real reason to dislike DH's friends..

And if they are wankers, why can't DH go out with them by himself?

I think you should ditch the St John's Wort and see your GP. SJW is fine if you're a little down, but tbh you sound very depressed and anxious and possibly a bit exhausted. Are you getting enough sleep?

Having said that, I can't think of anything worse than an endless social whirl when you have young children. So even if you weren't feeling so ill it would probably be a chore - but the fact that you are also feeling this way just magnifies it.

I think you should speak honestly to your DH about how you feel a little overwhelmed by this constant social interaction and that you would be able to feel more relaxed if you were doing more things just as a family. It sounds like it's the spontaneous stuff that is too much, so perhaps try to persuade him that it would be better to see friends a little less often, on a planned basis.

It does sound a bit weird if he has to be with his friends "day in, day out".

I don't think it's a phobia OP. I think you are suffering from a lack of confidence - do you work or not?

You need to develop independent social lives. You hang out with your friends and he hangs out with his, everybody is happy. This is what DH and I do, although mainly due to lack of babysitters.

DH and I have mainly independant social lives. Some people think it is odd but he doesn't have much in common with my friends (although he is happy to see some of them in a smaller setting like dinner without so much booze - he is teetotal and we are winos ). I hang out with his friends sometimes but find them a bit dull (geeks). So apart from big social occasions like weddings we do our own thing. Saves on babysitters and it is nice to not do EVERYTHING together tbh. As long as he doesn't mind could you just socialise seperately? I'm sure he has noticed your awkwardness and it must mean he feels bad?

Do you struggle to socialise in general or just with them?

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your replies, it really helps.
I work 4 days a week as a childminder. I love going to toddler groups and feel very comfortable there. I have 3 ds in school.
With regards to the bbq incident. It really made me fed up as basically I was cooking a lovely menu, and wanted to have a nice quiet relaxed night in. It was the fact tha dh, in my eyes had a need to see all his friends. A cpule of these friends live across the road, and thats where the bbq was. I say hi etc when I see them, but doen't feel connected. He wanted to go to the bbq after we had eaten. It just didnt make sense as we were having cosey night in (for a change).
Yes, i do feel inferior!, also have just been reading about"socialAnxiety Disorder and Social phobias" , and i think this is definately what I have. I am going to read about self help.
Just having a low time!
I am also fed up with the heavy partying!!!!! I have done all that, and my body cant take it any more, i am in my forties now! Don't mind the odd party, but its beyond a joke!!

I'm glad you're going to the doctor because I think your system needs the support ADs can provide.

You don't seem to have generalised social anxiety at all, more a specific phobia of these particular people. I'm not surprised if you do, thb, because what you're describing is your H withdrawing from his marriage & family. He's taking effort/involvement/joy out of his home life and putting it in elsewhere. It's perfectly reasonable to feel anxious about it!

Getting the jitters at the mere thought of the one man is quite extreme and worrying. I've only felt it when being very badly bullied. You've only told us positive things about him (scary bloke) but what is it that you sense in him? Is he overbearing, perhaps? Does he seem fake, dishonest, snobbish, sexist? Tell us more.

Stick to your guns OP - you are working bloody hard, no wonder you need quiet time - you must feel exhausted by the weekend!

BTW I found ADs helped me put up with the "unputtupable" elements of my life and just helped me rub along without constantly thinking about negative stuff.

I also found this book helpful (although the "lifelong happiness" bit is a little overstating the benefit!). It's based on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and while it won't work if you're depressed, it does give you some handy techniques.

www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Thinking-Start-Living-Happiness/dp/0722535473/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337085615&sr=1-1

garlicfucker this bloke inparticular is overbearing, fake, and I think controlling. Eg at a party we held at ours, he was stood with me and 2 of my closest friends, I was pacing myself, but my friends were pretty drunk. He insisted we all had a shot, when i said I would rather not as just drinking wine, he ordered(in a nice way - of course) me to get some. So we stood there, he looked pretty sober! I nipped off to another close friend, explained and she took my drink, and I took empty glass in return. Then when I returned, he checked to see if I had drunk it!!!!
His wife is always legless at such occasions, and he doesn't seem bothered, and my dh hangs on to every word.

Dear god. What an arse. And this is the bloke your DH "loves more" than you?
You're not remotely irrational imo.

What is it that he likes so much about this professional corrupter of people?

Btw, it would have been better to firmly insist back, that you were not having a shot because you didn't want one. Had he escalated this, he would have shown himself up for the insecure twat he is, so it's very unlikely that he would.

Have you ever done any assertiveness training? Here's a primer.

Yes definitely sounds like social phobia. It can be very specific to certain people or situations (so you may feel fine in the company of other people that you know and like).

There are various books on it.

You may well have developed a social phobia OP, but tbh so would a lot of people faced with this lot.

Overbearing
Controlling
DH seems to be in awe/bit of hero worship
DH suddenly wanting to change your social life
They live across the street so no escape.
You prepare dinner for all and DH then hijacks your civilised evening by insisting on a bbq elsewhere
Enforced drinking (pet hate of mine, just fuck off and leave my glass alone)
You have nothing in common with them, apparently DH thinks he does
DH does not understand your concerns
DH seems to think there is always a good time to be had elsewhere when they are involved

You have ended up feeling inferior, maybe you are just bored and don't like them because the pack leader at least is an arse.

Clearly you are starting to get very anxious about this, but maybe the solution is not ADs but for your DH to wake up to the fact that this is too much. Nothing wrong with him going out with them on the odd occasion, and in turn you could also put in the occasional appearance.

Totally agree with the suggestions regarding Assertiveness. You will find even little changes in how you assert yourself with people generally and your DH will help your confidence and change the outcome to something you are more comfortable with.

Can I just add a different perspective - OP stop worrying that you have some sort of social anxiety/ phobia. I think you are feeling threatened by these new friends, particularly the guy you mention. Your intuition is trying to warn you of something, perhaps you are subconsciously worried that this guy could lead your DH astray and threaten your family unit.

You are clearly sociable, you go to groups and have your own mates and you feel that your partying days are over. You have moved on from that era of your life. Your DH, is possibly rediscovering his lost youth and you are scared of the impact it could have on you and family life?

My advise, let him socialise with them on his own but NOT excessively and to the detriment of your family life, but occasionally meet up with these people as well. Friends close, enemies closer...

C12010 that's a really good post. I don't feel you have social anxiety/phobia either OP - sometimes you can over-analyse these things. I think you feel a little besieged and that's quite understandable, you have a lot on your plate. Plus you're being unfairly expected to fall in with arrangements you aren't happy with by an inconsiderate husband who seems incapable of seeing your point of view or appreciating how hard you are working.

Understandably, it's all getting too much.

I do feel you are suffering from depression - it may be reactive, and temporary. Do give the Citalopram more time. It should help you think more clearly about things eventually.

I think your DH is the one with the problem - what a pity he is so easily impressed by and eager to please these "friends". Perhaps he is feeling insecure at work?

Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for all your kind words and support.
Thinking back to the first couple of years dh and I were together, he became close to a guy who was a real prat, and dh adored him!! They used to go to raves together every now and then. I had a baby at that point. It fizzled out after a couple of years. Think it finally dawned on dh what a dick he was.
He 1. told me to "cheer up" on the first anniverary of the death of my stillborn son (my second baby). when you walked in he would be watching porn and thought it fine to have on, and left it on!!!!, called me anorexic!! (i have always been a twig - not so twiggy now) and so on.
what i am trying to say is that dh surely is a poor judge of character.
Its a bit harder to escape from dh friends as,

1. he works with 2 of them ( must add that the other guy is fine, actually I really like him) and also, it has just dawned on me that he tends to make an excuse to leave parties early.
2. 2 of them live nearly opposite. And i have just rememberd when they first moved in, dh thought this guy eas a prat. Uuumm!

As CJ2010 SUGGESTED, I am going to try and integrate sometimes, and if I really don't want to follow the crowd, I am going to use an excuse like" o dear, I am going out with the girls that evening." I feel a bit stronger today - have just wanted to be by myself, so haven't said much to dh. There has been a bit of an atmosphere. It does make me a bit sad that dh wouldn't react in the same way as me when I am down, eg arm around neck, do you want to talk, you ok, is there anything I can do to help. He just doesn't do/say anything. Don't think at all that I might be feeling a bit depressed or sad, or fed up. He needs to get in touch with his feminine side!

I'm friends with what I used to consider a big group of fun-loving party animals. I used to find them scary and cliquey when I lacked confidence several years ago (I was a SAHM with two young children), but now I've become a lot more confident and sure of myself, I really enjoy their company, find I have a lot in common with them, and think they're a scream!

OP, maybe you do need to work at your confidence a little, and stop putting up barriers like I used to. Divide and rule is my philosophy. Get to know one or two as individuals and you will see that they are not so scary. As a mass they may seem intimidating but individually they're only human.

If after trying to get to know them (and it can take a long time - don't write them off after a few weeks) you really do feel adamant that they aren't your people, then agree with your dh to socialise separately. Whatever you do, don't stop him from being free to have his own friends. Of dh and I, I am the more gregarious one when it comes to getting pissed and staying up late and I would really resent him if he tried to control my social behaviour. We are individuals after all, your dh has as much right to like these people as you have to dislike them!

Sorry - i still consider them a big group of party animals - what I meant to say is that I used to see them as a clique!

I don't think he needs to be in touch with his feminine side, I think he needs to become a better judge of character and of situations.

Some of the people he's friends with sound complete knobs and there's no way I'd let some little wanker order me or my friends to drink anything .

I don't think it's a phobia or anxiety at all. You've just got better judgement than your partner and what you fear is that he will become more and more knob-like the more time he spends hanging around with these wankers. The old adage that you can tell a lot about a person by the company he keeps is true here. Your husband sounds weak and a wannabe, which will cause problems for you and for your children later down the line.

Helena and CJ2010 have got it spot on. There's nothing wrong with you. I would not want to party down with the crowd across the road either, and your husband clearly has issues around idealizing other men/bromances which involve ignoring your feelings and needs. You were spot on, if you invite friends over and have a nice dinner cooked for them, you don't, 2 hours earlier, drag everyone to a bbq across the road, your friends came to see you not this dominant social idiot.

I would hate having to socialize this amount, and I'm quite a sociable person. Couple in three kids and childminding four days a week, I'm amazed you have any social life, let alone one this active.

Your husband is being a bit of a prat. I'd not bother yourself about connecting with them, I'd say 'I think they're more your friends than mine' and let him go. I also guess you are the one who has to mind the kids at these events, so he can back-slap his mates, so what incentive is there for you to go? Encourage him to see them for the odd drink when you are not there and try to minimize your own time with them.

You may be low as well, through exhaustion, and I think it's fine to say 'I'd like to have a quiet weekend' and expect your husband to facilitate that, perhaps take the children out on his own so you can rest. No wonder you feel you need SJW, your needs and wants are being trampled on.

OP- does your DH do drugs? You mentioned raves, has he or does he indulge? Because if so, you have some serious thinking to do. From your posts, the people he associates with sound like drug users. I may be wrong.. But it does explain their wankerish behaviour. Your DH sounds like he is easily led and 'looks up' to these people.

Hi olgaga, just wanted to tell you that I bought that book - it's brilliant, so thanks so much