what to do if you love someone but don't fancy them?

[wantanewname]

I have just got together again with an ex boyfriend - I think I've always loved him in a way and him me. We've both grown up and had families of our own and now are single again. For the past year we've been meeting up as old friends. I find his personality so attractive and love spending time with him. He's intelligent, kind and gentle. I know that he's in love with me. The problem is he's very overweight. We spent the night together on Saturday and it was wonderful but sexually I won't find him attractive physically unless he loses weight.

I don't know what to do, I honestly feel that we should be together. I have a big problem in that I desperately need to give up smoking so I'm certainly not perfect myself. I'm tempted to be honest and say that we both need to do this - me give up smoking and him lose weight (a lot) for our health but not say about finding it unattractive. Do you think I should do this?

I would really like some advice. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just don't know what to do.

I think the tricky thing is whether you will fancy him if he loses the weight or if you will still not feel that spark. If you truly think it is just the weight then i think your idea of both going on a health kick is a good idea..you could say you want to give up smoking and would like to give yourself an exercise target to give you the motivation and would he join you..

thank you for answering. It is both for his health and because I don't fancy him enough that I'd like him to lose weight. Basically he's obese so it is a real health issue. In fact it wasn't easy having sex because of his weight, but I do still fancy him.

Do you love him or are you actually in love with him? I really think if you are in love with him his weight would not be an issue for you. You may want him to lose some for health reasons but it wouldn't 'put you off' him if you see what I mean.

I don't know. I do love him and think I'm in love with him. I don't want this to put me off him but it does.

Trouble is losing weight takes time, what are you going to do in the meantime, continue the relationship or cool it.

But it already has put you off him hasn't it? It sounds like it's a deal breaker for you. It does seem such a shame if you love his personality but not how he looks, it shouldn't really matter. But you can't help how you feel, I understand that. I don't really know what to suggest.

Even if he does loose weight would it be a deal braker if he were to gain it back at a later stage? I have always tried to love a person as they are and not as I would like them to be (whether that be fatter, thinner, happier, sportier, quieter etc). If you don't think you can love him for all that he is currently then you have to really think before you get in any deeper :(

You said you do fancy him but sex was difficult. I'm not asking you to write an answer on here, rather ask yourself, why was sex difficult? Was it just physically awkward, were you put off because of his weight, was he embarrassed, did you just not have the chemistry? If it's something that wouldn't happen if he lost weight and you actively want to try sex with him again then I'd say it's worth a try.

Research has shown that there is a relationship between over-eating and lack of sexual contact, it's like one gross sense pleasure being negated from an adults life, replaces the other, maybe if you have loads of sex he won't feel the need to over eat?

Difficult one. If he is so overweight that sex is difficult, then Yanbu. I would sit him down and explain that you are falling in love with him but that you are worried about his health and the fact that sex was difficult. We all want to be attractive to our partners so hopefully he'll take the hint.

sex was difficult because his gut got in the way! we did manage it though but not easily.

Hi wantanewname - we will move this thread into Relationships.
Thanks M Towers