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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what to do if I love someone but don't fancy them

39 replies

wantanewname · 14/05/2012 21:22

I have just got together again with an ex boyfriend - I think I've always loved him in a way and him me. We've both grown up and had families of our own and now are single again. For the past year we've been meeting up as old friends. I find his personality so attractive and love spending time with him. He's intelligent, kind and gentle. I know that he's in love with me. The problem is he's very overweight. We spent the night together on Saturday and it was wonderful but sexually I won't find him attractive physically unless he loses weight.

I don't know what to do, I honestly feel that we should be together. I have a big problem in that I desperately need to give up smoking so I'm certainly not perfect myself. I'm tempted to be honest and say that we both need to do this - me give up smoking and him lose weight (a lot) for our health but not say about finding it unattractive. Do you think I should do this?

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Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 21:26

By the way, he wasn't overweight when I knew him years ago but now he really is. To the point that (sorry tmi), it wasn't that easy to have sex unless I was on top. Blush

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Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 21:28

.

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Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 21:46

The problem is I'm worried that telling him will ruin it for us and be unforgiveable to him and I really would love it to work but if I don't how can I sleep with him when I don't fancy him enough. and also I am worried for his health. I think both him and I need to work on our health.

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WineGoggles · 14/05/2012 21:57

It's a tricky one isn't it and I can completely see where you're coming from as I personally find overweight men pretty unappealing sexually, and I have to have an element of lust to want to fuck them. Does he give any indication that he would like to lose weight? If so perhaps you could suggest a get fit together plan?

Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 22:00

I could, and I think I will have to. I'll have to say I will give up smoking but he needs to lose weight for his health - both of which is completely true.

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ImperialBlether · 14/05/2012 22:06

OK why don't you say you don't want to enter a relationship whilst you feel so unhealthy? Say you want to focus on that for say six months and see what you can do with yourself?

You could say you want to give up smoking and do the couch to 5K or something.

You can bet your life he is really unhappy with his weight. If you said you wanted to get fitter, I'd be amazed if he said he didn't want to, too.

Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 22:10

ImperialBlether do you think that'd work? because that is exactly what I want to do - stop smoking and him lose weight and then be together. I don't know if he'd understand though.

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ashesgirl · 14/05/2012 22:13

I think you have to be prepared to accept that he might not change.

There could be deeper underlying reasons why he is obese and so therefore it might not be as simple as dieting.

He could also lose weight and put it back on so no guarantees.

You could by all means give it a try though.

ImperialBlether · 14/05/2012 22:19

I need to lose weight and whilst I would really hate it if someone said it to me, I would love it if a friend said he/she wanted to get fit and did I want to join them. I would be a hell of a lot more focused if I was doing it with someone else.

Most people are unhappy with their weight if they're overweight. I just don't believe there are a lot of fat happy people. He won't be happy about his weight, believe me. He might be defensive but he knows he's overweight.

Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 22:20

It might not work, he might be really hurt and it could ruin our friendship forever. Those are all the risks. That's why I don't know what to do...

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ashesgirl · 14/05/2012 22:22

Yes think you're right, it's a big risk to take. Also I think people should instigate change themselves, rather than being asked by others.

Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 22:24

I'm sure he knows he's overweight and I know how hurtful it'd probably be to be 'told' so I definitely won't say it like that. I will say it (if I say it at all) as a health thing (which it is mainly). But saying that I don't want a relationship until I'm healthy is also partly true but could it work? would we just be friends during that time?

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Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 22:26

It's almost tempting to show him this thread and then he'd know how I felt about him.

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ElusiveCamel · 14/05/2012 22:30

But saying that I don't want a relationship until I'm healthy is also partly true but could it work?
If someone said that to me, I wouldn't believe them. Sorry :-(

ashesgirl · 14/05/2012 22:31

Hmm, I think that would be even more hurtful tbh to show him this thread.

fallenpetal · 14/05/2012 22:39

FROM A REAL FATTY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Im so glad you are being sensitive, believe me most people I have some across have no such consideration of fat people.
I am even asked by a relative if I mind being over weight - Well duh! Im just not quite in the right place yet to really step it up though I am loosing weight slowly. I of course bluster about saying Im not bothered what anyone else thinks Im quite happy. This IS true I genuinely dont care of others opinions nor am I terribly sad I am fat. I would love to be slimmer but I HATE that thinner people feel they have the right to discuss my "issue" with me. FECK OFF!! LOL!

So what I am very badly saying is please dont mention words like fat,over weight,obese,large,junk food etc etc. The only thing I would respond to rather than be immediately on the defensive is you saying it was all about you and asking me to help and encourage you, walk with you, baby steps stuff. Very gentle encouragement is the only way to go if he is not ready himself to loose weight. Or you will alienate him.

Mumsyblouse · 14/05/2012 22:47

I think if you don't fancy him, you don't fancy him. How much weight would he have to lose before you did, fgs? My husband is a pretty big fella but he's very fanciable to me (although perhaps not as big as this chap judging by your maneouvres).

You cannot say to a person, I'll love you if you lose weight. He's big, he's likely to remain big (as he's older) and even if he lost it, he could put it all back on again in six months (my husband had a foot problem and piled it on then). You can't start a relationship with such fluctuating desire.

Love isn't blind, and there's nothing wrong with him not being your type physically, but it's mean to lead him up the garden path and start thinking this is a match made in heaven, when actually you wish he was thin like he was 20 years ago.

If I met a man who wished I was the size 8 I was 20 years ago, instead of the lovely but wobbly size 14 I now am, I'd rather be alone. I'd want to be loved for the whole of me.

That doesn't mean don't encourage him to exercise, or keep your own weight trim (by smoking lol, you may put on the pounds when you quit) but that's all just decoration, if true love is really underneath.

Mumsyblouse · 14/05/2012 22:49

And, surely everyone wants to feel desirable and sexy, your remarks about remaining friends and holding the relationship over his head as some type of lure for losing weight, well, I know what I'd tell you to do if offered this tempting proposition.

Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 22:50

thank you so much for your insight fallenpetal but if I mention nothing about it he will genuinely think it is all about me needing to give up smoking. That obviously is a major concern but I do walk everywhere, go swimming twice a week etc so if he does believe I just need support in that then 6 months down the line I will have given up smoking which would be wonderful but he'd still be the same weight.

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Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 22:53

mumsyblouse I'm not trying to be offensive. I just think I would fancy him if he wasn't the size he is. A size 8 to a size 14 is not the same - most people aren't what they were as teenagers or in their 20's but he is much bigger than healthy. I just don't know what to do. I want to be sensitive, I also want a relationship with him and think I do love him but not the size he is. I don't want him to be skinny or even slim if that's not him.

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fallenpetal · 14/05/2012 22:59

Have you discussed his weight in any way? Has he said or hinted he would like to do something about it?

Original poster
wantanewname · 14/05/2012 23:07

no we haven't discussed weight at all apart from when I told that I put on 4 stone when I was pregnant (which was quite a feat given that I'm only 5'2) and got high blood pressure and oedema - we were talking about it in relation to diabetes which my dad has but not in any way related to him.

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fallenpetal · 14/05/2012 23:12

Well personally I think if he hasnt even discussed his weight it is currently off limits for him. So its suck it up or move on. There is no point ever telling a fat person that you cant be with them because they are fat as we will often just retreat into another packet of what ever high calorie thing is to hand.
You need to decide if you can get over it and hope he eventually reaches the point of deciding too loose weight. If not I genuinely think you dont feel as deeply for him as you think you do. I get his weight is off putting I really do but it wouldnt bother me if I felt for some one as much as you say you feel for this man.

fallenpetal · 14/05/2012 23:13

BTW Im 5'3 and put on 20 kilos a year for 3 years - its really not that hard when situations take hold

Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 23:27

It's maybe not what you want to hear but I think if the attraction was there in every other way then you would start to make allowances for the physical aspect. Personally I find that if you start to fall for someone personality-wise then you start finding that shape more attractive too. Dunno - maybe just me. I always used to go out with skinny guys but new man is very large (tall, big build) and also somewhat overweight. I'd never think that I could find that sexy...and didn't initially...but definitely do now. I might be wrong but got a feeling that you are kidding yourself that this is the guy for you. What if he does lose weight and you still don't fancy him?