what to do if I love someone but don't fancy them

[wantanewname]

I have just got together again with an ex boyfriend - I think I've always loved him in a way and him me. We've both grown up and had families of our own and now are single again. For the past year we've been meeting up as old friends. I find his personality so attractive and love spending time with him. He's intelligent, kind and gentle. I know that he's in love with me. The problem is he's very overweight. We spent the night together on Saturday and it was wonderful but sexually I won't find him attractive physically unless he loses weight.

I don't know what to do, I honestly feel that we should be together. I have a big problem in that I desperately need to give up smoking so I'm certainly not perfect myself. I'm tempted to be honest and say that we both need to do this - me give up smoking and him lose weight (a lot) for our health but not say about finding it unattractive. Do you think I should do this?

no it's not what I want to hear. I don't think you're right though. I do feel alot for him. and I do fancy him but not enough I suppose.

Fair enough - it's just my experience/opinion. Good luck with your relationship, giving up smoking and getting your BF to slim down for you!

What mumsyblouse said.

You might have found him lust-inducing when you were both younger, but life has happened to you both since then. I think it's slightly self-delusional to assume you'd fancy him if he were thinner.

In my own experience, which is not necessarily the same as everyone else's, I find I fancy people for a whole combination of reasons of which body shape is only one. I've had fat boyfriends, so it's not just theory.

I reckon you'd be feeling it despite the lard, if it were there.

And everything mumsyblouse suggested, though I'll put it less pleasantly and speak of emotional blackmail ... plus you should NEVER base a relationship on your partner changing.
Sorry.

oh, xposted

Do you perhaps just not want to be with a bigger guy? Are you worried what others think?

The reason I ask is you say you love him, and that your night together was 'wonderful'. I am not sure if you could really have a wonderful night of passion with someone if you didn't remotely fancy them.

Perhaps you do fancy him a bit, but would like him to be thinner. You're still on a hiding to nothing, you have to assume he's going to be the same (or even bigger if he ages/gets a health problem) if it is really a long term soulmate type relationship. He might not, you simply can't know which is why you can't make it conditional.

As garlicbutter says, you usually fancy the whole person. If this whole person isn't right for you, it's ok to move on and be honest that his weight is a big issue for you. The option of 'him but thinner' isn't there.

I totally agree - take the person as they are or not at all. Imagine if he said that he was in love with you but didn't fancy you cos your boobs weren't big enough so you'd need to get plastic surgery. Nah - it's not an option.

I think you will find that even if he loses weight you might still not fancy him. Its not easy to transform from Danny de vito to Tom Cruise overnight.

Could it be that you are questioning why he has put on so much weight over the years and whether he isn't the person that you think he is ie: you are worried that the relationship may fail?? Just a thought... I am in a similar situation regarding an ex who is a good friend but the fact that he now smokes is totally putting me off any relationship with him; I am really questioning why and think it might be self preservation!

O.K. Tackle it from the health angle. Tell him you are giving up smoking as you want to be around for as long as possible and let him know you have concerns about his health and want him to be around as long as possible. Let him know that your sex life is limited owing to his weight issues and that because you love him you want to have a fulfilling sex life with him.

I wouldn't chuck a relationship in over this. He may have an underlying health issue that he has dodged addressing. If you have a good relationship you both should be able to discuss anything that might impact on it as this evidently does.

I don't think you should feel guilty in not finding his obese form sexually attractive.

Quite often our partner is a reflection of ourselves in some way and you sound a little frustrated at yourself for smoking and being a little overweight. If you look at him closely enough you may see a frustrated you reflected back in some ways. You both tweak your reflections together then you'll grow to be what you need over a period of time.

Perhaps you should work on yourself and he'll take the lead. Tell him how important it is to you that you spend as many years together happy and healthy as possible.

If you're in a happy relationship then by and large you'll find yourself healthier anyway. He'll take your lead if you want to change. The thing that worries me is as lovely as he is, if he's in denial about his health or very happy with his reflection, thank-you very much, it could stop you form making the changes you need to for yours. Giving up smoking is the single most important thing you can do for your health and it's probably more of a health risk than his weight is!

Book a holiday, get a bike, go for long walks, eat healthily, give up the fags, tell him how much you want to be around in your old age but make sure if you aren't enough of a catalyst for him to improve his health, that you get out of there if he holds you back from improving yours.

I agree with newby that the risks of you smoking are actually much higher than his risk of being overweight (although you don't know what conditions he might have).

But losing weight is a difficult thing to do as we age, and all the evidence is that 90% of people put the weight back on even when they do lose it. That's not to say he might not lose a few stone with the right lifestyle, but the chances of him turning really slim and trim in the timescale of your short relationship is quite minimal.

I think your pinning all this on the weight when if you fancied him you would fancy him. It is very likely that even if he did lose weight then you would still feel the same. It's easier to blame one thing that could change about a person than admit defeat. You obviously want this to work so don't want to Believe its him you don't fancy not him but overweight. You need to talk about your feelings with him, his weight is irrelevant.

I'm fat and I have to be totally honest here - there's a limit to how much I would try and change myself for someone I wasn't even in a relationship with yet. Without knowing what's going on with this guy, it's very hard to know how easy he'll find it to lose weight. In my case it's very much tied up with my mental health and I'm not currently in a position to attempt weight loss, so I'm just aiming for general health and ignoring the scales. If someone told me that they felt we should be together but they would only find me attractive if I lost weight, I'd tell them to jog on. If there's no physical attraction at the start of something then I think it's pretty much doomed, tbh.

Oh hang on, missed that you have actually got together. Still, if it's a very recent thing then my comment still stands.