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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will it ever go away?

28 replies

keelybooboo · 14/05/2012 19:16

Back story... Found out last march that dh had had an affair with woman from work. Had gone on for 3 months slept together once

He ended it immediately on discovery and has been open and transparent on everything since, answered all questions honestly etc

I made the decision to stay and try and get through this... Married 15 yrs this yr 2dc 15 and 10

Was going ok and actually felt like we were stronger as a couple until around Xmas time when I appear to have been in free fall mode

First I became very friendly with male colleague x an had far too much text contact that was v inappropriate ie discussing marriage probs etc. that has ended now.

Secondly since loosing so much weight and becoming more confident with my appearance I have been going out with friends and to clubs and stuff which is fine but each time I end up dancing and snogging different men

I am not doing it to hurt dh I hurt him enough with the ea with mr x. Yes I told him about it

I just don't know where my fucking heads at...

All I know is that I would NEVER have even dreamed of doing these things before D day

Will the pain ever go away??

OP posts:
Jezabelle · 14/05/2012 20:50

Not sure I have anything hugely constructive to say but didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to get through an affair. I know plenty of marriages go under in the end. Not all though. I think your behaviour is completely understandable, but, as you know, your marriage won't survive if it continues. Have you been to marriage councilling?

dondon33 · 14/05/2012 21:02

I don't have advice/experience on the subject Keely but feel by doing what you're doing it's going to cause more damage in the long run if you want to make things work with your H. It's probably in response to the hurt and suffering he caused you and quite possibly "normal" to feel you want to do it. As well as an emotional boost that other men find you attractive (after feeling that you weren't after your H had his affair)
For reasons known to you, you chose to try and make it work and by having inappropriate contact with other men you are obviously not committed to making this work.
You need to deal first with what you actually want, there's nothing wrong with accepting a little flattery from other men but you are crossing the line, as your H did with his affair.
Maybe speak with someone qualified to get a different perspective and help you through it. You need help, it's destructive behaviour.
Good luck x

rightchoice · 14/05/2012 21:41

Hugs to start with. The trouble is when he had his fling/affair he tore up the rule book for you both. He can't say too much as he knows what he did shook your marriage to it's foundations.

The thing is the pain you are going through is yours and yours alone. No one else feels our pain which are a reflection of our thoughts.

That is why you were 'blissfully' happy until you discovered he was cheating - you were thinking the marriage was sound so you were pain free.

If you could trust him again and get past his betrayal you would not hurt so much and reach out for comfort and reasssurance, which is what the snogging in the night club is all about. It is probably not about getting your own back so much as feeling better for that moment, at that very moment you are pain free and 'happy'.

You can never go back in time and have what you really want, which is for all this to have not happened.

It is easy to say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but strength and wisdom is a trophy which weighs heavy but is worth it.

You need to think ahead, think ten years, ask your ten year older self whether you are glad you stayed. All I hope is that you being unhappy and him not knowing whether you will make it together does not lead him down a slippery slope again. I hope his transparancy now - is lasting think it is time for you to get some help with your own deep thoughts.

rightchoice · 14/05/2012 21:56

......He hurt you badly and you are still paying the price - be kind to yourself and maybe invest in some one to one counselling to help you talk it out. You are on a long journey -

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/05/2012 09:56

I think counselling would help me but where do I go? Couples counceling isn't going to help much, I don't want him to know what I've been doing...

Thank you ladies for your kind words, I was expecting to be told I am being a shit and to think of the kids...

OP posts:
RomyMadison · 15/05/2012 10:35

You are very strong for staying with him and trying at it again. I know if that ever happened to me they'd be out of my life I wouldn't even give them the time of day. I guess it'll always be at the back of your mind but what you're doing isn't so bad(not that i'm condoning it - its understandable considering what you're going through) If he wants to stay with you and you want to stay with him, keep on keeping on. Very sorry though x

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/05/2012 10:42

Romy if you'd asked me 18 months ago what I would have done I would have told you that I would kick him out 100%

And the day before discovery if you'd asked me what was more likely, dh having an affair or an alien invasion I would have opted for the aliens...

OP posts:
dondon33 · 15/05/2012 11:53

Keely, if you want counselling then go on your own to deal with yourself first, this is the most important part. You don't need to tell H exactly why you're going, tell him you're still struggling with your feelings. Later if you feel going as a couple will help you both then look at that then.

I would say honesty and trust are the foundation of a relationship but I understand your reasons for not wanting H to find out.
Maybe it would be better for you to avoid the situation where you find yourself with these guys or don't drink, until you find within yourself the answers you need and the path on which to move forwards.
Have none of your friends, that you go out with, said anything to you? I know it probably does make you feel good at the time but in the end, not only will you be trying to deal with the fall out from what H done but you will add additional head fucks from your own actions.
Try and get some help soon, big hugs xxxx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 12:06

Quite honestly I think it's obvious. You feel an obligation to the marriage and your head is telling you to stick around, forgive and forget, behave normally, be loyal. Your heart, your true feelings that subscribed to 'kick him out 100%' , realises something fundamental has gone, is missing .... and so you're going out, finding what passes for affection wherever it presents itself. Quite understandable but I think it means that you've had enough of forgiving and are actually trying to move on.

KirstyWirsty · 15/05/2012 13:10

I did the same in my first marriage Keely .. I found out H had been unfaithful on a boys holiday actually before we went were married ay and so I shagged someone at work who I fancied .. then I felt so terrible about myself there was no going back for me .. I tried to get him to leave me by generally behaving badly (staying out late, going out all the time etc)I ended up leaving him .. He wouldn't go!

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/05/2012 13:14

My friends are all aware of whats happened at home so I guess they just think I'm trying to get it out of my system?

I'm so scared of leaving and looking back with regret.... Plus we have mortgage debts etc

What about dd whos sitting gcses

I know I know there's never a good time...

OP posts:
Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/05/2012 13:17

Kirsty I'm sorry to hear that but glad its not just me that reacts in that way

No where in the bloody Shirley glass book is there a chapter on revenge infidelity

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 15/05/2012 13:24

Can you move on from this Keely - can you trust him?

I found very quickly the grass wasn't greener with the other flings and was quite unhappy for a long time .. so unhappy that when I met a seemly charming man and once married he turned into a grumpy moody critical arse that I considered that it was my 'penance' for the way I treated DH1 Shock

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 13:32

"I'm so scared of leaving and looking back with regret.... "

Is it worse than staying, behaving out of character and regretting it? Doubt it.

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/05/2012 15:10

Surely that's just it though? If the grass isn't greener anyway then I might as well just stay and be happy with my lot?

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 15/05/2012 15:25

No that is not what I am saying Keely.. having a lot of flings with different people doesn't make you happy was what I meant..

maybe you should take a bit of time for yourself to see what it is you really want rather just throwing yourself into the arena with the lions and seeing which one you happen to end up with?

I really do feel for you .. it is not a nice situation to be in.. Can you talk to your DH about how you feel?

KirstyWirsty · 15/05/2012 15:26

I also meant to say ..

If you can find a way to trust your husband again then maybe you can be happy with him but if you can't then maybe your relationship cannot be salvaged??

xx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 15:30

The grass may not be greener elsewhere but it's already pretty yellow and patchy where you are now.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 15:50

WHat is your H doing to help you recover?

Is he addressing his character failings that led to his affair?

Is he spending more time with you and the children, helping with the chore and being less selfish?

Is he going to counselling/reading books?

How has he established boundaries and what has he changed in his life e.g new job/stopped working away etc?

Is he investing in the marriage?

Are you rebuilding your life - friends/hobbies/career etc?

I wonder if you are behaving like this because not only has your self esteem taken a huge hit but also you do not feel he is not giving you the love and attention you need.

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/05/2012 15:53

The stupid thing is that I actually do trust him and believe that he would never get himself into that position again. But saying that is daft coz that's how I felt before I found out so how can I even trust my own judgement anymore??

I guess I just feel like its all so unfair and like why shouldn't I have a bit of that excitement?

Who do I speak to sort out counselling?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 15:56

I get what you are saying about how you trust him, but I do wonder if you are reacting against the lack of love and attention from your H. Also your self esteem needs a lot of building up and seeking attention from other men is not the way to do it - counselling will help:

www.bacp.co.uk/

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/05/2012 16:01

Yes mad he's pretty much doing all of those things, still in the same job but she's now been made redundant

OP posts:
Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/05/2012 16:02

Thanks for the link mad I'll get onto it

OP posts:
rightchoice · 15/05/2012 22:51

I am glad you have a link for counselling - it will do you good to talk. Reading too will help and I am going to ask all the MN gang to start listing some good books for you to work through this. Try MEN WHO CANT BE FAITHFUL - Carol Botwin still available on Amazon - any others recommended??

Original poster
keelybooboo · 16/05/2012 07:17

What occurred to me last night as we were snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie was 'what's different now to when his affair started?' and all I could come up with us that he drinks a lot less and we talk more.

I would never have cheated before because I knew what I would be risking and I loved and respected him, now I think well he obviously didn't think there was that much to risk and although I def still love him I guess I don't respect him.... Maybe he's not the man I thought he was

OP posts: