devestated by in-law's comments to my 13 year old old - would you send this letter or just leave it?

[galaxy]

ds just returned home from 2 days with dh's parents. He spilled the beans on their anialation of dh and I and the way we conduct our lives. Amongst other things, we spend too much money, are too strict on ds and too soft with 3 year old dd. We are awful because we wont allow their stinking labrador upstairs in our house (dh has asthma and it affects him) and we shouldn't be giving the kids Omega 3 - waste of money. We assume that because they are moving to our town to be nearer to us, that they will be ready made babysitters and we "have got another think coming" - why move here if you're not prepared to help.

I propose to send this letter which I've written in the heat of the moment. dh wants to let things calm down and not tell them we know, but he hates confrontation as do I, but I'm not prepared to have her thinking we don't know what she's up to.

"Dear W and J
Thank you for having "ds" for the last couple of days, however this was somewhat ruined by the fact that I was reduced to tears within ten minutes of him arriving home, after hearing what you?d been saying to him.
Whilst "DS" adores both of you, and whilst you asked him not to repeat what you said to him, you must remember that his ultimate loyalty is to "DH" and myself and he will usually find it difficult to hold things back, particularly when he thinks it is wrong.
To find that you have basically pulled apart every aspect of the way in which "DH" and I conduct our lives and raise our children is extremely upsetting. Do you really think it appropriate to share your personal thoughts with a 13 year old? You know that we have some behavioural issues with "DS" at the moment and I don?t think putting us down to him is particularly supportive of our trying to get things back on track. I thought that we had the sort of relationship with you that meant we could both be honest and open, but it seems that I was mistaken.
The two areas that have particularly upset me are your criticism of "DD", who whilst she has her moments, (somewhat less than most of her peers), is a delightful and intelligent child who worships both of you. I feel blessed that she is so good and personally, I don?t think we molly coddle her. "DS" may complain that he looks after her too much, but in fact, he does nothing more than make a sandwich for her to come home to and occasionally sit/play with her when "DH" and I are cooking dinner or such-like.
The 2nd thing that has upset me is the fact that you felt the need to tell "DH" that both of you and "Dh's sister" are ?on his side?. Despite your attempts to find out from "DS", what he had done wrong, even though "DH" and I respected "DS'S"privacy enough not to share this with you, all you need to know is that it was exceptionally bad and quite outrageous. "DH" didn?t lash out at him or thrash him as would have been the case in some homes, out of frustration that he had tried every reasonable way to get through to "DS", he pushed him away. "DS" wasn?t hurt and neither of us advocates physical discipline ? we believe in talking to understand the issues, which is what we do with both "DS and dd.
On a final point, I fully understand that you wont be able to provide a ?regular? babysitting service for dd and I thought I had made clear when we spoke last week that that was understood. I was a bit surprised that the comment was made to ds that just because you?re moving to "our town", doesn?t mean you are there to be called upon.
As I sit writing this, I am feeling really aggrieved that I have to justify myself to you but as you can see, I am very upset and maybe writing this in the heat of my emotion is inappropriate but I am really struggling with what ds has told us and feel that we need to clear the air.
Please don?t worry about how ds will get home from Lymington on the 25th. His school wont release him onto a train ? it would be against policy and totally inappropriate. We?ll get this sorted out somehow."

(The last bit is coz he is on school trip which doesn't finish until the day we go on hols so we'd asked in-laws if they would collect him a day early for us. They originally said yes, but now don't want to).

I think you should hold fire - I can understand completely why you're so angry, but that letter smacks of you defending yourself. Don't do it - why should you? how you bring up your kids is your own business.

Also, I think it puts your DS in the middle - again they started it - don't sink to their depths. if your letter causes an almighty row/stand-off, whatever, your son is bound to think that it was his fault somehow (even tho it obv isn't)

Personally I would restrict overnight visits/prolonged contact with them. If they ask why, that's the time to say your piece.

Just one thing tho, I know it was their assumption that they would be ready-made babysitters but I don't agree with your statement about 'why move nearer if you're not prepared to help'. Sorry.

I wouldn't send it just yet. If you don't mind me saying, it's a wee bit incoherent, and that's obviously because you're very upset. Sit on it for a couple of days while you sort your thoughts out. I wouldn't tackle everything she said, just the main, aposite points - that by having these discussions with your DS, she is undermining your parenting and behaving as a destructive rather than constructive force in your family and that she has upset you greatly. Too much detail gives her the opportunity to pick up on small points and avoid the main ones.
And family members are generally very good at avoiding the real point, so the less opportunity you give them, the better.

Hope you feel better when you've mulled it over.

I agree with your dh that letting things simmer down could be best. I think it's not fair on your ds to send the letter, quite apart from anything else. And since his grandparents have already put him in this untenable position I think it would be good to try and rise above it and ignore them completely, thus stymieing their attempt to catch him in the middle. Hard though.

Thanks Fesirty Bird. Sorry the last comment was made in the context of why they told us they were moving here. They said they wanted to be closer to the grandchildren and to be able to help out in emergencies and be able to babysit when we wanted a night out. Now it seems that even before they're here they're making it clear that they don't want to help out at all.

This follows on from a discussion we had last year when we were actually going to buy a house together and help each other out - thank God we didn't go down that route.

I thought after I posted Galaxy that it was prob just a 'heat of the moment' comment from you - hope I didn't get your back up! btw, you sound calmer already

caligula - that's what dh says but then I'm pissed off coz he wants to pretend it hasn't happened and wont even tell his dad that I'm upset.

He had major issues with his parents as a child - he was a latch key kid from the age of 7 and basically thrashed very time he stepped out of line. When his ex-wife left him with 4 year old ds, they moved 250 miles away and were no help whatsoever and his sister has babysat for ds once in 13 years.

I'm just so angry and hurt by all of this.

Are you sure they actually said that? Is it possible some of it has been exaggerated by ds, possibly to deflect some of the 'heat' from him onto someone else? Ds is obviously in trouble and he may be trying to tell you how he feels out of the mouths of his grandparents iyswim. If you are sure they said that, I'd still be tempted to leave the letter for a few days and see whether you still feel the same way when you've calmed down - mind you, I prefer the unconfrontational approach (I'm a chicken)

I wouldn't send it TBH but that's because I have come to believe very strongly that bad news should never be put in writing, or not until after a face to face. Can I do face to faces? - well, mostly no!

This doesn't affect the fact that they have behaved outrageously and i would want to break the furniture.

I think all I would say to your ds is 'I don't agree with most of what the PILs said, and I wish they'd said it to me, not to you. If they say it again, ask them to talk to me about it' and leave it at that. And if they come up with any of these comments to your face, let them have it good and proper.

Only IMO and I'm not surprised you feel so awful.

I'm going into very angry mode as opposed to just hurt now though Feisty Bird...just ranted to my sister which helped a bit (well helped me - sure it didn't help her ears)

Could you tolerate meeting up and aiming for a calm discussion with MIL?

Berries, one of the issues we've had with ds is his telling lies but more to cover up when he's done something wrong. On this, he was as shocked as I am and told dh the minute he picked him up. I do think he's rubbed it in a bit and whinged over the fact theat he feels hard done by on certain things and he admitted this. But the detail he's gone into about what they've said (and there's lost more than I've put here) is too much to be a pack of lies.

acnebride - I don't think I could. Mainly because I'l get angry and I'll end up crying and I don't want her to see that she has done this to me.

What I really want is for dh to call his father and let him know that we know what she's been saying (and he has been agreeing with) and see if she has the guts to speak to me about it. But he wont.

Thanks lockets - he's used to being put into these sorts of positions. His BM is doing it all the time but he always tells us stuff and the in-laws know this which is why I can't understand their actions.

The more I think about it, I think it's all to do with their proposed move. We never asked them to move here - they suggested it and now it's getting messy and they've bought a house for more than they intended to, it's like we are to blame and this is their resentment coming through. They also said, that if the move isn't completed by mid March, they're giving up and moving back to France - I would have been sad about at that at one time but not so bothered now.

Blimey, how horrible of your PILs to put ds into that really difficult position. I'd hold fire for a while though because if you do confront them you are taking a step that you can never 'untake.'
Could you delay sending the letter for a week. Explain to your dh that if he does as you feel he should ( and talks to them about it) you wont send it, but that if nothing happens you will think about sending it when you have calmed down.

And just a thought here... Could ds possibly be exaggerating a little here about what they said in order to stir things up a bit? You'd probably need to get everything absolutely crystal clear about what exactly was said before you jump in with both feet.

How awful. What nasty pieces of work your in-laws are. Particularly to put ds into that position - what on earth were they thinking of?

I'd be furious. But think Caligula's right about your letter's too detailed. If you don't want to do face-to-face, then I'd write a much shorter letter, saying that it was very wrong ? and cowardly ? of them to speak to ds like that, it put him in a terrible position, and if they have any criticisms of you, they make them directly to you.

If they try to talk to you about it, and attempt to justify themselves in any way, just use the broken record technique - keep repeating your key phrase over and over again, calmly, something like 'your comments are hurtful and should not have been made to ds'.

If they don't apologise, I'd have nothing to do with them for a while, if I was you.

Or you could just send a short note along the lines of "Please don't talk to DS about us. It upsets him and upsets us, especially when your facts are wrong. If you have anything to say bout the way we run our lives, next time pelase do so to our faces".

Yes, a much shorter, blunter letter about how it was wrong of them to speak to ds like that, etc. Even more effective if you could persuade dh to send it from himself.

You have every right to be very upset, but don't don't don't send the letter. As they are not going to stop being your In-Laws, you HAVE to be able to get along with them, don't risk possibly becoming- in their eyes - the person creating the confrontation. It sounds- from your letter, and their imminent move, like you usually get along pretty well, but you and they have all been under pressure lately.

I think you do need to address it , but either get DH to do it, or do it together, gently.

I really don't think you should do it in writing. Do you often write to them generally? It could be really inflammatory and make the situation way more difficult.

Would like to agree with Mazzystar as well. If this is going to be done in letter form at all, it should come from both you and your DH, so that you're presented as a united front.

Thanks all. Understand and agree about not writing to them but I just can't face the thought of a row down the phone. Have just told dh again that I really want him to call his father. He's uncomfortable with it but he is thinking about it and how to do it.

I'd err on the side of caution ... there are a couple of things that shout beware to me .....

a ) if you ask DH to contact them - then you are effectively asking him to "choose" between them and you - I suppose, taking sides .... perhaps it's safer if you kust know that he agres with you, rather than making him prove it.

b ) If you send the letter - you cannot take anything back ( though at this point in time you probably don't want to ) But ( as we MNr's are fully aware ) the written word can often be mis-interpretted .
We received a confrontational letter from our BILs a long time ago .... then on another business matter they decided to take legal action against us ..... we produced this letter and it was used to prove that they were unreasonable and volatile ... it worked ( just a word to the wise - IME )

Remember that "revenge is a dish best served cold ! "

a trhank you note with

"thanks for having ds, i know your not ready made babysitters so was much appreciated.

sorry about the plain card, wanted to save a bit of money"

galaxy - have you thought that mil may have been trying to upset you as she knew ds wouldn't be able to keep it to himself?

Would follow custardo's response, especially if I thought mil had deliberately set out to upset my family.