devestated by in-law's comments to my 13 year old old - would you send this letter or just leave it?

[galaxy]

ds just returned home from 2 days with dh's parents. He spilled the beans on their anialation of dh and I and the way we conduct our lives. Amongst other things, we spend too much money, are too strict on ds and too soft with 3 year old dd. We are awful because we wont allow their stinking labrador upstairs in our house (dh has asthma and it affects him) and we shouldn't be giving the kids Omega 3 - waste of money. We assume that because they are moving to our town to be nearer to us, that they will be ready made babysitters and we "have got another think coming" - why move here if you're not prepared to help.

I propose to send this letter which I've written in the heat of the moment. dh wants to let things calm down and not tell them we know, but he hates confrontation as do I, but I'm not prepared to have her thinking we don't know what she's up to.

"Dear W and J
Thank you for having "ds" for the last couple of days, however this was somewhat ruined by the fact that I was reduced to tears within ten minutes of him arriving home, after hearing what you?d been saying to him.
Whilst "DS" adores both of you, and whilst you asked him not to repeat what you said to him, you must remember that his ultimate loyalty is to "DH" and myself and he will usually find it difficult to hold things back, particularly when he thinks it is wrong.
To find that you have basically pulled apart every aspect of the way in which "DH" and I conduct our lives and raise our children is extremely upsetting. Do you really think it appropriate to share your personal thoughts with a 13 year old? You know that we have some behavioural issues with "DS" at the moment and I don?t think putting us down to him is particularly supportive of our trying to get things back on track. I thought that we had the sort of relationship with you that meant we could both be honest and open, but it seems that I was mistaken.
The two areas that have particularly upset me are your criticism of "DD", who whilst she has her moments, (somewhat less than most of her peers), is a delightful and intelligent child who worships both of you. I feel blessed that she is so good and personally, I don?t think we molly coddle her. "DS" may complain that he looks after her too much, but in fact, he does nothing more than make a sandwich for her to come home to and occasionally sit/play with her when "DH" and I are cooking dinner or such-like.
The 2nd thing that has upset me is the fact that you felt the need to tell "DH" that both of you and "Dh's sister" are ?on his side?. Despite your attempts to find out from "DS", what he had done wrong, even though "DH" and I respected "DS'S"privacy enough not to share this with you, all you need to know is that it was exceptionally bad and quite outrageous. "DH" didn?t lash out at him or thrash him as would have been the case in some homes, out of frustration that he had tried every reasonable way to get through to "DS", he pushed him away. "DS" wasn?t hurt and neither of us advocates physical discipline ? we believe in talking to understand the issues, which is what we do with both "DS and dd.
On a final point, I fully understand that you wont be able to provide a ?regular? babysitting service for dd and I thought I had made clear when we spoke last week that that was understood. I was a bit surprised that the comment was made to ds that just because you?re moving to "our town", doesn?t mean you are there to be called upon.
As I sit writing this, I am feeling really aggrieved that I have to justify myself to you but as you can see, I am very upset and maybe writing this in the heat of my emotion is inappropriate but I am really struggling with what ds has told us and feel that we need to clear the air.
Please don?t worry about how ds will get home from Lymington on the 25th. His school wont release him onto a train ? it would be against policy and totally inappropriate. We?ll get this sorted out somehow."

(The last bit is coz he is on school trip which doesn't finish until the day we go on hols so we'd asked in-laws if they would collect him a day early for us. They originally said yes, but now don't want to).

Blimey! I completely understand you wanting to have it out with them, if anyone did this to my kid I'd be absolutely furious and unable to keep my gob shut!

Agree not to send the letter, it might look bad on your ds. I would perhaps leave it a couple of days for you to simmer down and think it over thoroughly. Then I'd send a card saying "thank you for having ds for a couple of days for us, it really helped. However we understand that you do not want to be used as babysitters and so I just want to put your minds at rest on that, we would never want to use you regularly in this way. Also, as you know we have had a few problems and if you would like to give advice or offer an opinion, your thoughts will be taken on board by both of us, so please don't think that you cannot approach us on any subject that is bothering you. Our door is always open to family. Thanks once again."

This way it will be made clear that you do know what they have been saying, but you have not specifically said so, so they hopefully will not question your ds but will be more cautious about what they say in future.

I wouldn't let it go, what they did was out of order and they need to realise that. They cannot be allowed to use your ds in this way. But you have to be tactile on this one, you don't want to make the situation even worse.

My policy is "when in doubt, don't" and like others have said, I would say don't send it yet. I like the idea of a short note to let them know they have been rumbled but over time, I would just be voting with my feet. My mum's parents were horrible people and after years of upset, we gradually stopped seeing them. I've never missed them really as it was just normal at the time.

Not all grandparents are very nice and our duty as parents is to protect our children over and above everyone else (especially people who are just pants).

Thanks for your "reasoned" words of advice! This has opened up a whole raft of emotions for dh and basically we spent last evening talking and with quite a lot of tears from both of us.

He feels really angry as his childhood was crap with them. he told me that when they were moving home when he was 5, he hid a letter in a cupboard begging the new owners to come and rescue him because " daddy doesn't love me because he hits me lots ". His dad found it and rather than talk to him and reassure him that he was loved, he told him what a naughty boy he was.

There was loads of other stuff but it seems that his parents have always been like this - they used to have friends to dinner and dh says that they'd then spend the next week pulling them to pieces.

I have calmed down a lot and ds has admitted that he may have fueled some of their rantings by moaning that he hates looking after dd and wishes he could spend more time on his Playstation. But he was still adament that MIL criticised everything including telling him that she thought it was pathetic that we waste money on facial wash for him for his spots and men's shower gel ffs!

It's MIL's birthday on Sunday and she'll call to say thanks for her gift and card. I wont speak to her but dh wants to just say "Thanks for having Sam. We're not buying birthday presents next year as apparently we need to save money. Oh and by the way, if you want to give parenting advice, could you give it to us directly and not to our 13 year old......mind you, wouldn't be much point in listening to you, because you messed up as parents and I'd hate to turn out like you"

I'm trying to convince him otherwise but this is 38 years of pent up anger and emotion that has finally come to the surface and I think we're in for a rocky ride.

Poor DH - obviously a lot of pain there. he's lucky to have you ... and will apprecaite the love and security you both have created for you and the kids.

I know that DH had a fairly horrid childhood - and really loves the "sanctuary" we have here.

I am a firm believer that whatever goes on in the outside world ... we as a family have the right to feel loved and secure within our own four walls. DH just loves this too - as he never had it before.

{{{hugs}}}

Galaxy - huge sympathies - this is a horrible and unfair situation.

I am well out of my depth in these matters, but it seems to me that you and DH are creting such a happy and secure home for your own children, and that it is wonderful that your DH is breaking the cycle of abuse and toxicity. Have you both read the Toxic Parents book? It may be that nothing now can change his parents - I think I would be wary of letting the kids spend significant time with them, because they will sure as bad eggs are bad eggs, do their best to spread that poison. They have certianly put DS in a terrible position, and they should not have done that to a 13 year old boy.

Poor dh, poor ds, poor you

It does sound as though anything you or dh says to them is not going to change them. Is your dh really prepared to say that? because again what is said can never be unsaid. Sounds like we should all be counselling your dh to calm down now.

Is saying something going to change anything or make it worse?

Good luck Galaxy.

Sounds awful Galaxy, poor you and DH

Lots of people have a LOT of anger towards their parents. However, I think it's important to remember that your ds has his OWN relationship with them and in a way, that's a new start. If your DH says what he plans to say, he is effectively cutting your family off from them. It is unlikely that 70 year-old parents are suddenly going to realised their errors and change their ways. What do you both want? At the moment, it sounds like revenge. I'd ask what is best for your DS - which may be just to let it lie.

Also - if this were my child - I would be annoyed that he had repeated gossip about me. That's because in my family my grandparents are absolutely hateful and say wicked things about all the family, which is repeated and repeated in a destructive chinese-whispers and it has torn the family apart. Why not ask your DS to stand up for you next time, if he thought they were wrong? Maybe HE was just venting and they were all joining in - sometimes a supportive 'bitch' is just what is needed in a family (as you have done with your sister).

All in all, your Dh is unlikely to mend his relationship with his parents. So instead I believe you should focus on their ability as grandparents - who have just looked after your son for 2 days. There are lots of us (including me) who have NO family to do that sort of thing, and lots of kids who don't have relationships with their grandparents at all.

Good luck - families are grim sometimes!

Think I agree with this. Your dh might have his own issues that he needs to vent, but he shouldn't use his son to do that. Your ds needs his relationship with his grandparents, and you don't want him to think that any future rift is down to him. You want him to feel free to tell you things that are bothering him, so this really needs to be handled the right way.

Thank you all.

dh has calmed down since last night and is planning to have a quiet word with his mother in a non-confrontational way about this specific incident. He isn't going to drag up the past because it would only cause him more pain.

I have no worries about ds and dd spending time with them on any level other than MIL's toxicity. ds has been holidaying with them for years and tbh I never understood why dh had this underlying bitterness against his parents. In the 6 years I've been with dh, they've shown themselves to be loving and caring grandparents. They've never raised a hand to ds and I know that if they have any "naughty" issues with him, it always gets sorted quickly through talking.
On that count, they've obviously changed since dh was small. His mum told me off once for shouting at ds - saying she thought I was being harsh - which given what dh has revealed to me is comical really.

Wish us luck!

really glad you are feeling more positive galaxy

Think you are doing the right thing