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Original poster

Ex driving me nuts

47 replies

Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 11:10

Recently separated, legals all signed and nearly completed. Have had an agreement with ex re kids that was working reasonably well. But recently he's taken to making small changes to arrangements and communicating these via the kids. He also goes crazy if there is anything missing when the kids go to his place, despite similar happening when they come back to me. Yesterday he was verbally aggressive on the phone cos one of the kids had forgotten their jacket and then texted me saying that I 'needed a lecture'. He messed me about last night over dropping off my daughter. Originally I had arranged to drop her off earlier, then she said her dad was coming to village where I live anyway so would pick her up but later, then he texted me later still to say 'thought you were bringing DD over'. My DD would not be lying, 100% sure of this. The complicating factor is that she is less happy about going to her dad's so I feel bad saying to her 'no you can't come home to the house'.

I had arranged for my (male) friend to come over. We were planning to have a bit of time together but ended up with my daughter and then having to drop her off at her dad's. (I had previously got it all planned - I put the kids first, every time). Actually the time with my daughter and my friend was really nice...but just not as planned and i got the feeling that my ex was deliberately messing me about. After I dropped her off I got a text back from ex saying 'thank you and your friend....friend....go-karting friend for dropping off DD. Friend ;-)'. It's wound me up a bit. I have been open to the kids about the end of my marriage and by the way I was always faithful, unlike ex; and about my new friendship...and I call it that because it is not a relationship at this stage. They are always welcome at my/their home and I would have them 24/7 if I could. I do think that it's reasonable for me to make arrangements with my time though when they are due not to be with me.

Should I confront ex or just ignore him? At the moment I'm ignoring and only responding on factual points - re practical arrangements etc. Sorry post is a bit long.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 14/05/2012 11:17

So, he's trying to manipulate you and make it all your fault - sounds familiar from many threads.

Send him an email saying that all details about contact time arrangements are now to be made by email as there seems to be a problem communicating via a mixture and potentially relying upon the children, and its not fair on the children for this to happen.

Don't rise to the bait on anything else, he's only trying to get back at you

solidgoldbrass · 14/05/2012 11:25

Yup, email is the way to go, mistlethrush is absolutely right. Remember that it's none of XP's business who you spend time with.

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 13:21

Thanks - I've emailed to say that we use email and stick to arrangements from now on. He came back saying that I've confused myself and how clear can he make it etc etc. Had another go about the bloody jacket (yawn)...and to complain about me 'parading' my new 'boyfriend' in front of the kids.

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KirstyWirsty · 14/05/2012 13:42

Guess he's not happy about the new man in your life and rather than saying that he's just finding fault with everything else

Sounds like you're well rid of him .. :)

Smum99 · 14/05/2012 13:50

Well done so far in holding back. I think conflict areas might still exist but it might be worth considering a parenting plan so that you are both aware of upcoming issues. New partners or new friends who could might potentially be a new partner are always hot issues - how do you and your ex go about introducing a new partner to the children?
Also I agree that arrangements should always be communicated between the adults, even if mentioned by the dc's, it's always best to check with the other parent, which in this case didn't happen.It's not that dc's will lie but they can become confused.

Getting and maintaining an amicable relationship with your ex is in the best interests of the dc's so my advice would be to pick your battles - let silly comments wash over you but do sort out the big issues like how new partners are introduced as that does impact the children.

Also be aware - dc's seem to have delayed reaction to new partners, initially curious and Ok with the person due to the novelty factor but over time when they realise they could be a permanent fixture they get more concerned.

fiventhree · 14/05/2012 14:06

Hi LF

Agree to picking your battles, especially.

Re coats and some other inexpensive items- it was many years ago when I split up with last h, late 1980's, but I did find that buying duplicates of a few things really paid off in terms of stress reduction. It isnt that hard to get a few bits on ebay and just leave them at his. The he can make sure he has packed them.

I dont think it worth responding on the 'friend' thing at all. He is just revealing his jealousy, which he cant express to you. And anyway, why explain yourself. That is half what he is hoping for, anyway, further details.

Maybe, if you prefer, in an aside in an email you could say that if you end up in a serious relationship which affects the children you will mention it to him, for information, and add nothing more.

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 14:16

Just to be clear. I don't have a new partner as such, I've just been seeing a guy on a friendly plus basis (not FWB, more friends, dating, easy going romantic, mutual support really). I have spoken to DC at a level appropriate to their respective ages explaining that he is a friend. They are used to lots of different friends being around - I'm quite sociable and have always had friends of both sexes. He doesn't stay over when kids are in the house and we are very discrete - not overly affectionate in front of kids and they haven't really seen him much at all. I have told kids that if there was anything more serious then I'd talk to them but it isn't at the moment - just nice for mummy to have someone to spend time with (my kids are 14 and 10 - they do understand this). He's not moving in or anything remotely like that. I do think that if I want to keep male company and, God forbid, have a sex life, then that is acceptable and I don't need to discuss it with my ex. I agree re the jackets - I've suggested that kids leave a jacket at their dads. But tbh last week it was socks and they are supposed to have socks over there. He seemed to think I would provide a full laundry service! He went crazy about the socks (!) but then when he forgot school bag, I just went to get it, no problem! lol. Sounds petty and it is..but damned annoying too!

OP posts:
fiventhree · 14/05/2012 14:28

Oh LF, tell him to fuck off re the socks!

What are you, his mum?

He's brewing a nice little temper, isnt he?

Water off a ducks back, these day, to you!

No running round to deliver them!

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 14:35

Oh hell no!! Don't worry....actually when I'm not getting wound up I do find myself having a bit of a laugh at some of the complete shite that comes out of that man. He's full of 'I for one do not find this acceptable' and 'I'm not going to stand for this'. What a dickhead - it's a pair of socks! lol.

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 14/05/2012 15:00

I get that as well Loving I was taking DD away for a couple of days in my alloted days .. He 'wasn't happy' as I was taking her 'out of Scotland' and hadn't agreed with him .. he then took her to the North East of Scotland almost as far as I took her but didn't 'cross the border' so that then was ok for him not to notify me!! Hmm

solidgoldbrass · 14/05/2012 15:12

OP, if you want to have sex with an entire football team it's still none of your XP's business. Just ignore any irrelevant texts and feel free to put the phone down on him if he rings up being tiresome. A calm refusal to engage is the best way to deal with knobs like this, but if he does start harassing you, never be afraid to involve the police.

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 15:13

It's just about power and control isn't it Kirsty? My ex wrote that he wouldn't have mentioned the thing about parading around my new 'boyfriend' but he felt that I had criticised him about something. So nothing to do with real concern for the kids then? One of his favourite phrases used to be 'tit for tat' and he'd accuse me of it all the time....Jeez...you gotta laugh eh?

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Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 15:16

Thanks SGB. I like your suggestion ;o). He phoned to complain about the jacket yesterday and just started sounding off. I said 'have you phoned to sort out picking up some jackets or to have a go at me?'. He carried out sounding off so I did hang up on him. That was when he texted to say he wasn't going to apologise for lecturing me because I needed a lecture. Lol.

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Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 15:59

New man just emailed to say not to worry if ex messing about affects our arrangements. Just means that we get to have more time/fun with kids too. We have a (dirty) weekend booked up for June and he's even told me that he's checked already if there are additional rooms in case ex messes things up and we end up needing to take the kids (obviously would be less dirty in that case). Is this guy too good to be true? Sounds like a new thread! Tell you what I have my red flag detectors so on...but he just keeps getting better. Still playing it cool but...blimey!!

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 14/05/2012 16:01

Hi Loving yes after making a big fuss about we shout notify each other about things and I agreed then the following week he took delivery of school photos that I paid for .. and didn't let me know

When I texted him and said ' You should have let me know you got the photos' he started casting up the 'going over the border' thing again he said it was 'In response to my tone in the email about the photos'

KirstyWirsty · 14/05/2012 16:03

We should

KirstyWirsty · 14/05/2012 16:03

Loving your friend sounds loevely btw Grin

arthriticfingers · 14/05/2012 16:05

double blimey Envy

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 16:07

Kirsty I'm sorry for your situation I really am...at same time is so refreshing to know that I'm not the only one with these kinds of issues. I won right to buy two Wimbledon tickets as a result of having paid annual tennis membership for my DD and put into the club draw. Asked my ex if he'd be able to have DS while we went to London for couple of days or if I should arrange babysitter. He came back to me suggesting I should buy the tickets, he should come too and we'd discuss who went in to watch the tennis nearer the time! Yeah right! lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 16:12

Yeah new friend is good so far...watch this space! I'm just trying to take it as it comes....and enjoy it! Would recommend...! Amazing what you can get on the internet these days! lol.

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fallenpetal · 14/05/2012 16:16

What is it about ex's and petty things? I had the sock issue (and pants) too - complaints is sent them in rags - I couldnt afford much more than one set of weekend clothes at the time so they always went in the same thing and I was disgraceful not having enough clothes. Then I recently discover my now 10 year old daughter is wearing the original pants she had from her first visits - aged 4-5!
Re: school bags and homework - I dont send it anymore, it was always left behind and rarely looked at

solidgoldbrass · 14/05/2012 16:39

You could also try 'But your opinion doesn't matter' on this man. Remember that he has no rights over you, and it's fine to ignore everything he says and does, delete texts unread, don't return messages, don't open the door to him if he turns up to 'lecture' you. Email him to say that only email communication is acceptable and only then if it is to do with arrangements for contact, all other communication will be ignored.

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 17:12

Yes, sometimes I do that. He has written me really long emails before that I've just sent back saying I don't have time to read this. He's slimey though. Last week he sent me a long email about how he was worried our DD was getting bullied. I sent reassuring one back - pretty sure she's not. Then he came back thanking me for that...load of platitudes about how great our kids are...then finished by saying he would like to come over and get a share of the gardening tools when we have a finalised agreement and he is to take nothing else from the house. He's a git.

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 14/05/2012 17:17

You and I have got rid of twins .. chatty texts etc .. eh you were the one who went and had the affair so not interested .. deleted!! My stbx just helps himself to stuff though and i find out when i go to use them.. e.g the other week it was the garden hose :)

Original poster
Lovingfreedom · 14/05/2012 17:35

Kirsty - think we are living parallel lives! lol. My ex has taken the sander which I was half-way through using and all the extension cables! And he's asking for garden tools when he lives in a flat! Not even a shared garden area. Jeez...part of me thinks though as long as he doesn't come back the price is worth paying!

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