Ex driving me nuts

[Lovingfreedom]

Recently separated, legals all signed and nearly completed. Have had an agreement with ex re kids that was working reasonably well. But recently he's taken to making small changes to arrangements and communicating these via the kids. He also goes crazy if there is anything missing when the kids go to his place, despite similar happening when they come back to me. Yesterday he was verbally aggressive on the phone cos one of the kids had forgotten their jacket and then texted me saying that I 'needed a lecture'. He messed me about last night over dropping off my daughter. Originally I had arranged to drop her off earlier, then she said her dad was coming to village where I live anyway so would pick her up but later, then he texted me later still to say 'thought you were bringing DD over'. My DD would not be lying, 100% sure of this. The complicating factor is that she is less happy about going to her dad's so I feel bad saying to her 'no you can't come home to the house'.

I had arranged for my (male) friend to come over. We were planning to have a bit of time together but ended up with my daughter and then having to drop her off at her dad's. (I had previously got it all planned - I put the kids first, every time). Actually the time with my daughter and my friend was really nice...but just not as planned and i got the feeling that my ex was deliberately messing me about. After I dropped her off I got a text back from ex saying 'thank you and your friend....friend....go-karting friend for dropping off DD. Friend ;-)'. It's wound me up a bit. I have been open to the kids about the end of my marriage and by the way I was always faithful, unlike ex; and about my new friendship...and I call it that because it is not a relationship at this stage. They are always welcome at my/their home and I would have them 24/7 if I could. I do think that it's reasonable for me to make arrangements with my time though when they are due not to be with me.

Should I confront ex or just ignore him? At the moment I'm ignoring and only responding on factual points - re practical arrangements etc. Sorry post is a bit long.

I hear you there!

Mine also took the sewing machine!!!

Did I mention that we are well rid???

I work from home on Tuesdays usually. Just disturbed by a knock on the door. ex-H standing there on the doorstep, unannounced. My heart was in my mouth. He's only bringing the kids stuff round but standing grinning. Didn't say anything except 'I've brought the kids stuff'. I feel quite wound up. I don't feel like I have anything to be scared about. Certainly couldn't phone the police or anything but felt quite intimidated. I know he's a prick and I also know that he's a loser. Everything is going good for me (got a good job, the house will be in my name alone soon, new fella mentioned above etc) but anxiety increasing last few days. I think he can still get to me a bit. Any advice about how to get over this?

I recommend you see a solictor for a free half hour. I did this once and they wrote a letter to ds1's dad explaining exactly what his days and hours were and pick up and drop off times. It worked well :) you could also ask them to put in about emails and texts..it may help.

I would just say 'Thank you' take the stuff and close the door.

He'll think twice about doing it again ... or repeat until message gets across
xx

That's exactly what I did Kirsty. I'm annoyed at myself for getting this wound up...but you know...I'm human! lol. I suppose it's better than him hanging around trying to get invited in for a coffee! I have been feeling pretty good recently but just last couple of days he is getting to me again. AAAHHHH!!!!

Thanks Topknot - I'm going to try email only first but will use solicitor if I need to. Thanks for the tip.

All good advice above.

Some good replies to text:

'How silly and jealous you sound :) '

'There's no need to get so upset you know :)'

'But your opinion doesn't matter to me anymore :)'

Just keep emails for arrangements, and anything you don't agree with, simply refuse to engage and don't do it. No discussion, never justify. For example, re tennis, I would simply have said 'that doesn't work for me' and organised a babysitter. Any argument/persuasion - simple text saying 'No, I don't think so.'

Just give him no opportunity for discussion at all, by simply saying 'No' to things. He can do nothing. He can only keep any control if you engage with him. So bored, disinterested, slightly amused (and make that clear to him) by little outbursts.

Thanks GoP that's really good advice too. I don't tend to engage or react anymore to him about anything and I try not to justify myself. When I say he's getting to me it's in my own head now, although I do sometimes not bother reading his longer ranting emails and I quite often laugh at what he writes cos he's so entitled (I for one do not think this is acceptable - about the socks!) I never discuss anything with him now - I just hang up, or ignore. Occasionally I drop my guard especially when he manages to engage me on some aspect relating to the kids (I don't talk to him about anything else) and then he tries to sneak something in.

I've been thinking since he came up - hope you noticed that the curtain rail is fixed - I did that, didn't even swear about it - looks like it's going to stay up this time - just a matter of using the right wall plugs (! what??), summer house/shed floor - all sanded and clean and all the junk you left out of there. Yeah - did it myself, no big deal - you made it sound like it would be difficult. Did you notice the huge bunch of flowers in the front window - that's from my 'friend'. yes, he mowed the lawn for me too. You would have done it? well yes, but he did it with a smile on his face and all he wanted in exchange was....well nothing.. but I shagged him anyway just cos we both felt like it.

aaahh...and breathe!!

Heheh.

Re 'the friend' - a friend of mine spiked her ex's guns rather effectively by picking this one up and running with it. He wants you to be put on the back foot, left a bit flustered and embarrassed and justifying and made to feel it's a bit not alright, yes? So you do the opposite. Watch how amazingly quickly he shuts his trap, as the last thing he wants is it turned on its head, with your new life 'celebrated' in jokey texts: -

'Yes. As you know I'll be away with my dear dear friend that weekend. :)'

'No worries, I'm sure my friends can pick up the slack. That's friends ;)'

Be pleased. And let him know about it. Any more comments on 'parading' (snurk) and I suggest a breezy, happy, unapologetic:

'Re 'friends' :) I think we're all pretty happy here thanks. Hopefully you are too. Can't really argue with how nice it is to have friends :) '

I think a grown man quoting the inbetweeners at you (in that "friends" text) to get a rise puts things rather into context! You're definately the bigger person here!

It's a quote?!!

HAHAHAHA!!!

Good call on the separation OP!

(and Mr. Petulant knows it...)

Oh God...I never even thought of that, snuff lol. Thanks. He is a twat eh?

XH just explained in an email that he was just having a laugh with respect to the 'friend'.

This is fine for a reply, yes?

Oh right..I've just got the joke. In-betweeners quote eh? lol.
Sorry, I thought you were being a twat.

I know. I'm stooping...but it feels so good! lol.

I would just ignore .. ignore .. ignore!

Although you would get a small amount of satisfaction from it you are probably better not engaging!

Have you sent it? x

No - I'm ignoring him and anything else he sends.

I had to put up with quite a lot of this sort of shit when I met my now-boyfriend.

I can't say I handled it particularly well, because I yelled at him that if I wanted to fuck a football team on the roof of a volvo, thyen as long as the children are not affected, he (the ex) has no right of comment.

Sorry but this is another email from my ex (I'm not replying):

DS mentioned that you took him go-karting with some chap a
while ago, then when I saw him drop off DD the other night I said
"go-karting friend" in an Inbetweeners high voice. I showed them the
text for another laugh before I sent it. They were wetting themselves
and so was I. No harm meant at all, just a laugh, but I think DS
was a little concerned later that you'd tell him off for telling me
about the gokarting. It's no problem for me.

Should I still just ignore...? Fucking hell.

Of course. The last one went unanswered, so he's prodding a bit more to see if he can goad you into replying.

I would, of course, have a discussion with the children to make sure that they know that you won't be cross with them even if their dad might suggest to them that you might be....

Oh he's a bit desperate isn't he???

I would just continue to ignore and read with the contempt it deserves

"Don't lose your sleep over it. I have no secrets and I'm glad you laugh with the children"

oh god....he is driving me mad!!!! Everything piped down for a bit. Ex H was apparently fine about me seeing someone else and we even bumped into him. Now though I find out he's asked the kids to spy on me and find out some details and has told them that it is suspicious and implying that I was having an affair before we separated. I wasn't (he actually was though, or was trying to!).

It's infuriating. He'd also told my DS that new man is my boyfriend. It's a term I'm not happy with using yet/ever and I have told my kids that NM is a 'good friend' which is true and we have been very careful about our behaviour in front of kids and about how my friend is introduced etc.

So, I emailed ex-H and told him to ask me rather than the kids, I've got nothing to hide, not ashamed etc and I told him when/where new man and I met so that he didn't need to spy any longer.

Well...he's now emailed back to say that his mum was shocked to see me in the street (actually my street, close to my house). I agreed with her that she could come up to the house to collect kids' stuff but I put it out in the hall for her so she should not have been wandering around my house in all the rooms etc. He's now emailed me to say that his mum was shocked and upset at the state of the kid's rooms (they were messy but house is generally fairly tidy and is reasonably clean) and he's concerned about the 'conditions' that the kids are living in.

This is just bullshit designed to get to me....and it has. The right response is to ignore it right? Or do I tell them both to go themselves. Or point out that neither of them are welcome in my house. Or say 'you're right, DS should tidy his room. And I bet your mum didn't get as much of a shock as I did lol'. It's doing my head in.