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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me see it from the outside

40 replies

speckledpig · 14/05/2012 10:17

I am married with two small children (2 and 7 months)
Married 3 years ago and had dd soon after.
Marriage has had its up and down but down more prominent.
DH had not taken any steps to make any plans for the future and we currently live in a miserable flat in London because of his work.
He takes hardly any interest in the kids and just does his thing all weekend on his own mainly sitting doing his work in his room. He gets fed up with them after 30 minutes of being around them and I cannot even have an hour to myself at the weekend. I am a sahm and am here constantly trying to entertain and take care of them.
DH goes around the flat tutting and moaning when he is here and I can never do enough to please him. I have tried everything and wait on him hand and foot (which could be the problem?) I think he has got used to it.
I don't ask him to do anything anymore because if I do he just moans about it.
I dont ask him to come out or do anything at the weekend with us anymore because he just doesnt want to.
Yesterday as an example, I told him our dd had a little toddler walk for charity and a picnic in the park for families and I was taking dd's. He replied sarcastically 'aww what a charitable soul'
I feel sorry for the kids, dd gets so excited if she thinks dh might take her out or do something which is all too rare.
DH could well afford to get a mortgage and soemwhere bigger and we have been through this before but he won't make any commitment for plans to do so.
I am currently extremely miserable, feel like a doormat and like I am not wanted here.
I love my dd's dearly and just want the best for them. They are obviously still very young.
But................I have no savings and rely on him financially. I want a stable home for the kids in a nice area where they can at least play outside (which they can't here as we are in a top floor flat on a mian road)
DH has a very good, well paid job in London, he has always been good with money, has no debts and a house paid off up north. (so he could afford better but I feel he doesnt want to commit if that makes sense?)

I can't see the woods for the trees, I am getting more down and depressed. Others issues in my life where I would have liked some support (dad a few months to live) but I don't get any and don't feel I ever will. We never talk and I have tried but I feel impartial now, almost numb to it. I feel he is being very selfish and only interested in his job.
He walked out this am saying 'don't bother making me dinner, I will be in very late' with no reason why.

I would like you lovely ladies to help me make sense of it. Am I being selfish on the kids wanting to go away? Will it get better or worse?
What can I do to improve the situation?
I know there is no love there anymore. Can that be rekindled?

OP posts:
LowFlyingBirds · 14/05/2012 10:33

Oh gosh, it sounds a horrible atmosphere at home.

You'll get some fantastic advice here, not from me though as im crap at that but i have to say i really dont think i could keep my children in a household with someone who so clearly disliked them(or at the very least is veryy irritated by them)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2012 10:34

If you feel like an unwanted doormat that's because - from what you describe - that's how you're being treated. You're being taken for granted, you and the children take second place to work and your views are not listened to. Throw in that you're financially dependent on this man (never a good move) and seem to have no say in the family finances and that says this is not an equal partnership. 'Don't bother making dinner'... is a line they throw at the servants in Upstairs Downstairs. There's nothing worse than feeling unloved. In that light, it's pretty normal to be down and depressed.

The only way you're going to improve this is to bring matters to a head and be very clear that you're unhappy and various things need to change. Even then, even if he sharpens his act up, you cannot make someone love you. If nothing changes, you have to change your circumstances yourself or life won't get any better. Moving out is a big step but, in your shoes, I would start doing my homework, getting some cash together and consider talking to a solicitor. Never hurts to be prepared.

Original poster
speckledpig · 14/05/2012 10:35

Thanks lowflying, it is not a very nice atmosphere.

OP posts:
Original poster
speckledpig · 14/05/2012 10:37

Thanks cognito, I am usually a fairly stable person (I think) and not too emotional but most days I just feel like crying tbh. Partly because I just can't see forward, I can't see anything to look forward to.

Last week he informed me that we wouldnt be having a family holiday either (which we had planned to do so) because he couldnt get the time off work and he said I could have the money instead!!

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 14/05/2012 10:38

You say you've tried waiting on him hand and foot. Have you tried shoving a rocket up his arse for being such a twunt?

He is treating you like a slave, and you deserve far more than that - tell him so! Get angry! He should be grovelling to you for being such a pathetic dad and husband!

If that doesn't work, make sure you know what you're entitled to re: tax credits, CSA payments etc and get the he'll out of there.

Original poster
speckledpig · 14/05/2012 10:40

Purple, I know, I am growing so resentful and angry inside but I can never seem to throw it at him. I kick myself for not being assertive enough and for just carrying on as though I can deal with it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2012 10:43

Have you posted about this man before? The second home, work-obsessed, irritated by children details sound familiar

Original poster
speckledpig · 14/05/2012 10:45

Yes cognito a few weeks ago when I asked about mortgages. still here:(

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 14/05/2012 10:46

He's showing you how he feels - he doesn't give a shit. Teach your dd's that it's completely unacceptable by sticking up for them and yourself!

pictish · 14/05/2012 10:48

Sounds like a bum deal for you OP!

pictish · 14/05/2012 10:48

For you and the kids, that is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2012 10:52

" I can't see anything to look forward to."

This is why you have to start making your own future & your own life rather than relying on this man to provide it. I may not mean separating initially. You could decide, for example, to get a job or widen your social circle in other ways. Friends provide all kinds of support and you'll need them should you set up solo. Is your money jointly held, all in his name or do you have a bank account into which an allowance (or child-related benefits or wages) is paid? Having your own money, I think, is vital to feeling that you have options. And do talk to CAB or a solicitor. Again, even if you don't take it any further, having the information is often a good way to feel more in control of your own destiny rather than simply at the mercy of someone hostile.

takeitaway · 14/05/2012 10:54

You are right, there is nothing here for you to be happy about, or look forward to. It's heartbreaking for you.

Have you ever asked him to be totally honest with you? It sounds like he has completely given up on family life, and you deserve to know why. In fact, for both your sakes - you are clearly both unhappy, but it is him causing the unhappiness. Is it that he hates his work? Is he depressed? Does he want out of the marriage? Could there be someone else in his life?

Can you find some time when the DC are in bed to thrash it out? It just seems like you don't know what you're fighting against, but in the meantime are wearing yourself out trying to be a good enough wife and mother, and it's not fair. Sad

izzyizin · 14/05/2012 10:56

Can't tell wood from trees? Put it this way; you're the mature oak stretching your loving and protective branches over your 2 little saplings and he's a piece of dead wood.

As such, he's only fit for the kindling that will light your fire and set you and your dc free to live a far more satisfying and rewarding life without him.

But if you're not prepared to be assertive, nothing's going to change.

Do you have family who can accomodate you and the dc so that you can take stock and begin to reclaim the power that you've surrendered to this selfish twunt?

NarkedPuffin · 14/05/2012 11:03

I'm so sorry things are like this for you. Have you got anyone for real life support? I think you need to feel stronger in yourself and then you might feel ready to tackle the issue with your DH.

southlundon · 14/05/2012 11:08

If you take the money for the holiday, could you go away with your DCs and your parents for example? No reason at all why you can't get away. If it's a decent amount, you could split it and have two shorter breaks in this country.

If ther house is paid off up north, could you move the DCs up there? I know you'd not see DH but tbh it sounds like you see that that much of him at the moment anyway and at least the atmosphbere would be nicer and DH would have to do his own bloody cooking and cleaning

southlundon · 14/05/2012 11:09

*you don't see that much of him.

Scuse typos.

Original poster
speckledpig · 14/05/2012 14:28

cognito, We do not share bank accounts. He puts money into my account for the shopping each month. Everything else is in his name. Takeitaway, he lives for his work, he has no social life or friends (that I know of!)
I have always trusted him, but I wonder sometimes if he regrets marrying me, maybe there was/is someone else. But I would have no idea who and how to find out. He has passwords on his laptops and phones so I never use them or have used them. South, there are people renting the place up north but I have definately thought of that option. I don't have family near me as we moved here for his job. I have a few friends here but they are christians and tend to tell me to pray about it rather than giving practical advice!
My dad only has a few months to live so I do not really wantt o take the kids there at the moment but I definately will do later on and spend some times there.
I feel as though he has everything and has kept everything as well but I am going to leave with nothing as nothing is in my name. I feel sometimes that is why he doesnt want a mortgage - but I don't know how it works.
My worst regret is not saving much before marriage or keeping some for myself and the kids.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 14/05/2012 14:31

How much can you get for this holiday? Could you say you were thinking of Disney Florida and needed several grand, then use the money to set up in a flat near your family?

Original poster
speckledpig · 14/05/2012 14:48

I think he meant it as a joke tbh purple. Though I did say that I would take the kids on holiday by myself and he said I couldnt do that! If only I had the guts to!

OP posts:
Original poster
speckledpig · 14/05/2012 14:49

and if I took the kids would I need to get custody or something?

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 14/05/2012 15:16

Can you get to a solicitor for your free half hour of advice? Also, check out direct.gov for your benefit entitlement, Womens Aid and Shelter for housing advice. There's only so much strangers on the Internet can say before you need to talk to the experts :)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2012 15:28

This is why you need to talk to a solicitor. There are various rules and conventions around marital assets, accommodation for children and who is the main carer of those children. As their mother you wouldn't be expected to leave them behind and official custody and access are something you can work out later either amicably as a couple or more formally through courts and mediation. Property, cash, investments etc. acquired during the marriage are usually deemed to be shared. He has been able to earn that money and acquire those assets because you enabled him to do so. So you wouldn't be walking away with nothing.

larrygrylls · 14/05/2012 15:31

Speckled,

Why on earth would you need custody to take your own children on hols? Loads of people do it all the time. You don't need his permission either, though you clearly do need the money to do it.

I am not one to say "leave the bastard"...in fact I often take the other side against various refular "leave the bastard" reflex regulars. However, what on earth are you or the children getting out of being with him?

Once you share a house and children, assets are shared and you are entitled at least to have your and your childrens' reasonable needs met should you get divorced. In this case, I would definitely see a solicitor. You clearly have means, as a couple, and most solicitors will happily bill in arrears where they will certainly get paid eventually.

Whizkidwithacrazystreak · 14/05/2012 15:41

Firstly, I really feel for you. Feeling so lonely and alone with two small kids in London - I did this and it's soul destroying. When my husband began to distance himself from the family I found the best thing was to talk to him and to ensure that he knew how difficult I was finding things. Fortunately, he understood and made a real effort following this. Things didn't stay rosey though and eventually I kicked him out for a whole week and this was a good move for us as it became clear what he could lose. You must try and tell him your needs and what will make you happy and then ask him the same and try to work together to achieve both.