Help me see it from the outside

[speckledpig]

I am married with two small children (2 and 7 months)
Married 3 years ago and had dd soon after.
Marriage has had its up and down but down more prominent.
DH had not taken any steps to make any plans for the future and we currently live in a miserable flat in London because of his work.
He takes hardly any interest in the kids and just does his thing all weekend on his own mainly sitting doing his work in his room. He gets fed up with them after 30 minutes of being around them and I cannot even have an hour to myself at the weekend. I am a sahm and am here constantly trying to entertain and take care of them.
DH goes around the flat tutting and moaning when he is here and I can never do enough to please him. I have tried everything and wait on him hand and foot (which could be the problem?) I think he has got used to it.
I don't ask him to do anything anymore because if I do he just moans about it.
I dont ask him to come out or do anything at the weekend with us anymore because he just doesnt want to.
Yesterday as an example, I told him our dd had a little toddler walk for charity and a picnic in the park for families and I was taking dd's. He replied sarcastically 'aww what a charitable soul'
I feel sorry for the kids, dd gets so excited if she thinks dh might take her out or do something which is all too rare.
DH could well afford to get a mortgage and soemwhere bigger and we have been through this before but he won't make any commitment for plans to do so.
I am currently extremely miserable, feel like a doormat and like I am not wanted here.
I love my dd's dearly and just want the best for them. They are obviously still very young.
But................I have no savings and rely on him financially. I want a stable home for the kids in a nice area where they can at least play outside (which they can't here as we are in a top floor flat on a mian road)
DH has a very good, well paid job in London, he has always been good with money, has no debts and a house paid off up north. (so he could afford better but I feel he doesnt want to commit if that makes sense?)

I can't see the woods for the trees, I am getting more down and depressed. Others issues in my life where I would have liked some support (dad a few months to live) but I don't get any and don't feel I ever will. We never talk and I have tried but I feel impartial now, almost numb to it. I feel he is being very selfish and only interested in his job.
He walked out this am saying 'don't bother making me dinner, I will be in very late' with no reason why.

I would like you lovely ladies to help me make sense of it. Am I being selfish on the kids wanting to go away? Will it get better or worse?
What can I do to improve the situation?
I know there is no love there anymore. Can that be rekindled?

ok, I don't know anything about it really tbh, I was just trying to read up on it on the internet. I do need to go and see someone and talk it through properly though to see if we could be better off or at least happier.
Cognito, you know you say that 'anything aquired in the way of assets during the marriage is divided' does this mean that the things he had before the marriage (his house,savings ect) do not apply, because if this is the case, I wonder if he is just putting off getting a mortgage or anything else with me if he doesnt feel he is sure of the marriage and he would save the money for himself as he wouldnt have used it. It would still be his asset right and he would be able to walk out of the marriage just as he walked in and no worse off. I really don't care about that and as far as I am concerned truthfully, I don't want any of his stuff, I just want to know I can provide for me and the kidsn if that means going on benefits.
Ok I hope I'm not getting too confused here but it would explain a lot if that were the case.

Speckled,

Division of assets upon divorce is a complex matter but the primary consideration is the welfare of any children under 18, and the courts will try to obtain a "clean break" if possible. I.E award assets rather than a share of future income.

lawcommission.justice.gov.uk/docs/cp198_Marital_Property_Agreements_Consultation-Summary.pdf

The above is quite a good summary and the most important paragraph where you are concerned is:

The key statutory provision is section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973
(there are equivalent provisions in the Civil Partnership Act 2004 which govern
ancillary relief claims on the dissolution of a civil partnership). Section 25 sets out
the matters to which the court is to have regard when exercising its powers. The
court has a duty ?to have regard to all the circumstances of the case?, but its first
consideration must be for the welfare of any child of the family under 18. The
statute then lists a number of matters to which the court should pay particular
regard. They are not listed in order of priority; different factors may be particularly
influential in different cases, depending upon their facts. The court must also
consider whether it is possible to achieve a ?clean break? between the couple,
meaning that they would have no continuing financial claims upon, or
responsibilities towards, one another following the making of an order allocating
their property (section 25A).

So, I think, in general, he would have to provide for the children (and that would involve either money for you to stay at home) or money towards childcare should you go out to work. In addition, if the children were to live with you, he would have to contribute towards their home. Finally, if there really is plenty of money considerations such as "keeping you in the style to which you have been accustomed" might apply...though it does not sound as if he keeps you in much style!

In any event, why not take the free half hour's consultation?

If someone is both mean financially and with their time, what on earth is the point of a relationship?

Well I just had a look at his statements for the past few months which he left out on his desk and there is one payment to another country in europe going out every month. Have no idea as we don't know anyone in that country. :( and he has never mentioned it. about £300 a month

Thankyou Larry, I am just getting more angry now as the day goes on.

"does this mean that the things he had before the marriage (his house,savings ect) do not apply,"

The flat you both live in would probably be deemed as shared ownership. If the other property was his before marriage that might be less clear-cut. As you've only been married a short time, that swings the pendulum slightly in his favour but, as you have been unable to make a living because you've been raising his children and looking after his home, that swings it in yours. It's always a question of what's fair.

I'm glad you're getting angry. Sharpens me up, I find. :) I'd keep a copy of all those statements as they may come in handy. £300/month is a significant amount of money.

We rent the one we live in cognito. :( That is what I mean, he won't get a mortgage for us to buy together.

This is what solicitors are good at. Fairness dictates that a man can't arrive in a marriage, up to his eyeballs in cash and assets, father a couple of children, expect his wife to stay in a rented home looking after those children and doing domestic chores so that he can work all hours.... and then swan out a few years down the track with everything still intact as if they'd never met. You know that bit about 'all my worldly goods I thee endow'?.... That's not just romantic froth it's a binding contract. This is why wealthy people are so keen on so-called 'pre-nups' to protect themselves.

Three years and two children adds up toto quite a lot. You may not be in quite the same position as, say, a wife of 23 or 43 years but you will find you are better placed than you think.

Speckled,

I echo Cogito here. Judges are not stupid and they will realise that he has deliberately been keeping his assets separate. They can also trade cashflow off against fixed assets.

You are getting bogged down in minutiae. It sounds like your husband may also be worth quite a bit more than you suspect. Firstly, decide whether you want to be with him without regard to money. If not, find out exactly what your position is from someone who can give you good and professional advice. I.E a solicitor.

Thankyou, I feel kind of sick thinking about it all already. Maybe its a the damm realisation that I have given up my life to please a man who can't be pleased or who doesn't love me. I'm angry with myself.
He can't be committed can he?

Realisation that you're wasting your time on someone that neither appreciates what you do nor reciprocates your love is like having cold water poured down your neck... It is nasty finding yourself thinking about this kind of stuff, scrutinising bank statements etc., but, if you've got past the point of wanting to keep pleasing someone then the next logical step is exit and survival. I have no idea whether he is committed or not. He could be supremely ignorant of how you're feeling and think everything's peachy because he's providing for his family. He could be planning his own exit and survival. You'll only find out by talking.

I look at it slightly differently. sorry. I hope this doesn't come across as a bitch post.

Your husband does have faults, but what leaped out at me from your post was how disappointed you seem with your hubby. I wonder if he has picked up on this for e.g. in the beginning of your post, you say: 'we currently live in a miserable flat in London because of his work', then he 'just does his thing all weekend on his own mainly sitting doing his work in his room' and then 'DH could well afford to get a mortgage and somewhere bigger' and finally 'DH has a very good, well paid job in London, he has always been good with money, has no debts and a house paid off up north'

To me it seems as though your husband takes his work very seriously. Possibly he is too absorbed in his work, but by your own admission, he is very successful and even has a house up north which is completely mortgage free. To have achieved that he would have to be very conscientious with money. Now he has a family he is probably motivated to work even harder, and save money rather than spend it. You get to stay at home - was that something you wanted? - and his income allows you to do that even if that means living in a grotty flat for a while.

I agree that he should spend more time with you and the children, but possibly, just possibly, he senses your dissatisfaction with him and has switched off.

I think you need an honest talk, but you should approach it by explaining that you do see any good points and then how you feel. I think this may be a situation of you both having got your communication wires crossed and resentment having mounted from both sides. If that's what it is it can be fixed.

Best of luck whatever happens

Yes fabulous, that is another way of looking at it. But I have come thus far moving 3 times in the last 3 years with the kids so he can be by his work and to move because he wants to be. I have not grumbled before which is my whole problem, I jsut sit and suffer and grow resentful. We do have communication problems for sure. One thing I know is though that I have honestly tried my upmost for this relationship. It is difficult to talk or even get him to sit and talk at the best of times. If he takes it down the defensive route he will sulk and not talk to me for days on end which is why I am walking on eggshaells trying not to upset him.

Could it be that he really has no idea that you are unhappy?

Sounds like he's very hardworking and perhaps feels that 'providing' for you is enough.

I can't help but think that if you left he would really have no clue as to why. Some men have very little ability to empathise or put themselves in someone else's shoes.

You really need to spell out for him how you feel and that you are considering leaving.

If you can be sure he 'gets it' but still doesn't change, then do whatever makes you and the DC happy

Fabulous and Finally,

Is he really providing for his family, though. If he is working all hours then you would think that he would at least find a reasonable place to live for the family. Most family men prioritise the welfare of their family with the money they have made, even if they work incredibly hard. And also, I think that working all weekend and making sarcastic comments when being invited out on a family walk is just not the way a family man behaves.

Also, if he cannot make the holiday, why wouldn't he send his wife and family on the best holiday he could afford and wish them a lovely time?

I know several traditional men who feel that they provide and their wife runs the home but they always make at least a little time each weekend for their families and they also look after them as well as they possibly can. I don't see any of the above happening here.

Xeno,

Where do you think he is coming from here? Is he trying to provide for you and does he have a goal, at which point he may slow down and make more time for the family? Or has he just lost interest? Might he re-engage or do you feel it is all over? The thing about internet threads is one only gets a part of the picture and the posters have to fill in the blanks, and they normally do this based on their own experiences, which leads to very one sided advice. Ultimately, you have to make a judgment about what is happening in your own relationship and act on it. In any event, I would still see a divorce lawyer and see where you would stand in event of a divorce. Even if you end up discussing things and sorting them out, you will be coming from a position of knowledge and confidence in the discussion.