confused as to what I have done wrong?

[ithastobeNAICEham]

I have been with my OH for nearly 2 years and I am pg with DC2 and have a DD7 from a previous relationshiip.

I arranged last week for my ex MIL to come up and see me and my DD during the day, she lives at the other end of the country and is here for the weekend as she is going to a show. Wheneveer she is in the area she will try to pop and see us but doesn't always get chance, we haven't seen her since this time last year.

My relationship with her son broke down (he is NOT dd's dad) when she found some evidence to suggest he was cheating on me and it turned out she was right. I imagine that was a pretty hard thing to do and I know that a lot of families can be complicit in deciet and I am grateful to her for being honest.

My OH has known about this visit since it was confirmed and has shown no real interest or otherwise about the visit. He wasn't living here when she visited last but he stayed the night before and helped me with preparations (I like to make her a meal as she has a long drive ahead of her when she sets off) he knows what happened with my ex and how much my ex MIL helped me and what she did and a little hospitality once or twice a year to me is nothing!

Today, my OH has asked me if I know how it looks? What will I do if she wants to come and see the bbaby when its born and what will I do if she ever brought my ex with her!

I explained that she won't ever bring my ex here without saying so, she isn't stupid! She has never done it and probaably never would, therefore its a non issue in my mind.

She probably will want to come and see the new baby when its born and I have no issue with that, as far as I am concerned she is a part of mine and my DD's life therefore she will be a part of this ones life too! She is a friend and was a massive part of my life for a good few years (we lived with her when we first moved in together as we were saving for a new place together and it made sense to only have food to pay for and no rent so we could save a good wedge of our wages).

I don't see why I shoudlnt have sonmeone I see as a second mum to me come visit us?

Could someone please explain this?? Maybe an outside perspective could help!

TIA

From what I've read on here anyway.

Yes indeed, they often start in pregnancy (did with me, plus physical)...

OP, he really should be backing you all the way and be happy that you have a strong friendship with someone who supports you, irrelevant the history.

He's not looking out for your best interests.....

plus stressing you out.

Yup, abuse frequently starts during pregnancy. Probably time to have a good think about whether there have been any indicators of it in the past, any 'misunderstandings' or 'sorry darling but I'm very stressed' episodes of unacceptable behaviour. And have a talk to him about how disappointed you are in his silly attitude, and that basically he's on a final warning, any more arseholery and he can go.

How's things?

Things are ok for now, I think he has realised its a lost cause and retreated back into himself!

He went out yesterday and came back in a much better mood (he went to his mates and if his mates DW was at home and he told her what was going on, I suspect she may have said a few choice words to him!)

When he came home we sat and spoke about this and I warned him he is on his last shot, I made it perfectly clear that I am not going to take it. He said he "didn't realise it came across that way" and was "scared to loose me"! (Bless... Think he actually thought that would work) he seemed geniunly shocked when I told him that was emotional blackmail and if he thought I was going to apologise and back track on my plans for next week he had another thing coming!

I gave him a choice, either next week, he sits and joins us, or he can feck off for the day!!

I don't know what he is going to choose, tbh, I don't care. Last chance saloon!!

You rock!

OK, so this hurdle is overcome.

IF this is something he is planning to continue, his methods of control will be modified.

I think your ultimatum to him was fine, let's see which option he takes.

WHATEVER he does choose, what he does NEXT will be the indicator.

IF he sulks, or punishes you in any way whatsoever. If he is off with you or does the oh-so-boringly-typical tactic of stropping off somewhere for hours on end, phone off/not answered etc, then save yourself and your child a lifetime of hurt, DUMP him right there and then.

Please trust me, if he goes on to do one more thing (which I sadly believe he will, the timing, the PG triggering, the stropping, ALL text book abuser territory) YOU have to dump him. There is NO cure, no saving him, he won't get better, only worse.

Please stay close to MN, and post as often as you can about any concerning behaviour.

thehappy I won't take any more of this abusive behaviour, I have made this perfectly clear. My DD's father attempted it and failed miserably! I am not going to take this again, I refused last time and now is no different.

My mother was abused by her then partner and seeing what she went through and what affect that had on me and my brothers (I wasn't living at home at the time but knew it was happening) has made me resolute in not being in a situation like that! I'm not a push over and I'm not someone who will take crap of anyone.

Thank you to all of you for your help and words of advice and I will be staying close to Mumsnet! As long as I have a few free minutes a day!

You are fabulous! Keep strong!