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Original poster

confused as to what I have done wrong?

60 replies

ithastobeNAICEham · 13/05/2012 21:59

I have been with my OH for nearly 2 years and I am pg with DC2 and have a DD7 from a previous relationshiip.

I arranged last week for my ex MIL to come up and see me and my DD during the day, she lives at the other end of the country and is here for the weekend as she is going to a show. Wheneveer she is in the area she will try to pop and see us but doesn't always get chance, we haven't seen her since this time last year.

My relationship with her son broke down (he is NOT dd's dad) when she found some evidence to suggest he was cheating on me and it turned out she was right. I imagine that was a pretty hard thing to do and I know that a lot of families can be complicit in deciet and I am grateful to her for being honest.

My OH has known about this visit since it was confirmed and has shown no real interest or otherwise about the visit. He wasn't living here when she visited last but he stayed the night before and helped me with preparations (I like to make her a meal as she has a long drive ahead of her when she sets off) he knows what happened with my ex and how much my ex MIL helped me and what she did and a little hospitality once or twice a year to me is nothing!

Today, my OH has asked me if I know how it looks? What will I do if she wants to come and see the bbaby when its born and what will I do if she ever brought my ex with her!

I explained that she won't ever bring my ex here without saying so, she isn't stupid! She has never done it and probaably never would, therefore its a non issue in my mind.

She probably will want to come and see the new baby when its born and I have no issue with that, as far as I am concerned she is a part of mine and my DD's life therefore she will be a part of this ones life too! She is a friend and was a massive part of my life for a good few years (we lived with her when we first moved in together as we were saving for a new place together and it made sense to only have food to pay for and no rent so we could save a good wedge of our wages).

I don't see why I shoudlnt have sonmeone I see as a second mum to me come visit us?

Could someone please explain this?? Maybe an outside perspective could help!

TIA

OP posts:
SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 13/05/2012 22:38

I don't think you've done anything wrong either.
She's a family friend who will want to see the new baby.
Stand your ground, he needs some attitude readjustment.

izzyizin · 13/05/2012 23:00

How's it going to look? Who's going to be looking and what's to see? Confused

If your friend finds time to visit this weekend, anyone who peers in through your window will see 2 women nattering away and making a great fuss of a of 7yo.

If anyone cares to look in a year's time they'll see the same 2 women nattering away, making a great fuss of an 8yo, and cooing over a baby.

Tell the ijmmature arse to grow the fuck up or get the fuck out when you entertain your friend.

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 14/05/2012 09:57

squeaky I have said this, its my choice who I associate with is my business and if I want to have a friend visit I will do!

chipping this is the first time he has shown any 'controlling' behaviour.

squirted I have told him to adjust his attitude, he has no right to tell me I cannot have her to visit, no right to tell me who can and cannot be involved in my childrens lives, I can hardly have her involved with my DD and not with the new baby! Its a few hours a year!! (Some times twice a year but not exactly much more, really!)

I had it out with him last night and told him all this, I explained that she is simply a family friend and has done a hell of a lot for me. I have stayed friendly with her because I want to.

He didn't understand, he said he wouldn't be able to do it, that's fine and I get that, however, who I choose to have in my life is my choice and if he didn't like it, there is a door and he can use it!

I don't want our relationship to end because of this, but if he continues it looks like I have no choice. I am not going to be controlled, I am far too strong willed!!

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 14/05/2012 09:59

he said he wouldn't be able to do it, that's fine and I get that, however, who I choose to have in my life is my choice

hooray! That is exactly the right message.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2012 10:52

he "wouldn't be able to do it"

do what ? Confused

AThingInYourLife · 14/05/2012 10:52

Well done, ithas :)

I can't get my head around his objections to this friendship at all.

Beckamaw · 14/05/2012 11:15

Does he remain friends with people he was friends with during previous relationships? Has he dumped them all due to loyalty to you?
I thought not!

So what is the difference?

Inadeeptrance · 14/05/2012 11:17

You are completely in the right, he is being ridiculous. Don't back down!

solidgoldbrass · 14/05/2012 11:24

Oh well done for standing your ground, he's being an absolute pillock.

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 14/05/2012 11:25

AF from what he was saying he wouldn't be able to stay friends with a member of an ex's family. Understandable to a certain extent. But I have a different opnion and I don't see why I should change it because he doesn't agree!!

beck I know he has friends that he made while he was with his ex and he still sees them now, infact he was out all night friday night as he went out with them and stayed there (my DD was at home and I don't like having drunk people around her, even when she is asleep, so he stays out when he is drinking.)

OP posts:
DharmaBumpkin · 14/05/2012 11:26

I am friends with my DH's ex-wife's estranged mother! Try explaining that one at a playgroup.

Your OH is being a twat. It's great to have people in your life who've got your back. How they got into your life is pretty irrelevant, really.

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 14/05/2012 11:30

athing that's why I posted on here, I don't get it either, I don't see why he has such an issue, I have never (nor would I) have any objections to friends on his side, some of which, IMO, have treated him horrendously. But that is my opinion and if he wants to see them he can!

ina thank you

solid thank you!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/05/2012 11:31

ah, ok, I see what he means

but I don't agree with it...I think it is immature and pathetic

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 14/05/2012 11:33

dharma even I'm confused by that one!! Wow!

The point you make is the same as I have been making to my OH!

As I see it, life can be hard and if you have someone in your life who you can offload to, someone to make it that little bit easier then why not??

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 14/05/2012 13:36

OP, I am friendly, with my oldest son's ex girlfriend, I see her and her children are friends of the family. His new wife has never commented adversely on this, and seems quite happy with the situation.
But she is a grown woman who is quite secure in her relationship!

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 14/05/2012 14:36

oldwoman my ex is well aware of our friendship and is now married to someone else too. She is aware of our friendship and as far as I am aware she has no issue either, I could understand if my ex was the one with the issue. But he has no problem with it (not that I would care but it would be more understandable!)

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 14/05/2012 14:42

What an idiot! Sounds like he feels threatened by it which is ridiculous!

I would normally worry that this is the start of controlling jealous behaviour and would be quite worried about you, but you age clearly a strong assertive woman who is not going to take any crap!

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 14/05/2012 15:51

poopoo (I love your name btw!) I am a strong woman and I refuse to take crap!! I was a single mum with my DD until I got with my OH, I can handle life on my own and I refuse to be controlled by a man!!

I've seen some people on here in awful situations on here and I admire the courage some women show in getting out, I'm determined not to get into that sitation myself!

Something is definatly going on with him, he has had another strop because I've been at my best friends for a few hours today... He has some serious explaining to do when he gets back (he is currently out)!

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 14/05/2012 15:58

Shit! Hope he's not showing his true character!

OrmIrian · 14/05/2012 16:00

People like her, who genuinely care about you and support you, are too precious to discard.

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 14/05/2012 16:01

If this is his true character then its done. End of.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/05/2012 16:11

how long have you been together, OP ?

I think it worth saying at this point (with his second unreasonable reaction to you spending time with others) is that people who have something to hide often project their own dodgy behaviour onto others

keep it in mind

Original poster
ithastobeNAICEham · 14/05/2012 16:15

AF we have been together for nearly 2 yrs. He has never behaved like this before!! Why after I get bloody pregnant!! Arsewipe!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/05/2012 16:17

like I suggested upthread, many men feel they have you trapped once pg, and feel it's safe then for them to start to assert themselves

"nearly 2 years" is quite early to be having a family with someone...perhaps you don't know him very well at all

PooPooInMyToes · 14/05/2012 16:23

These things often start during pregnancy.

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