Are these 'red flags', or am I being a shrew?

[tunafortea]

Hi

I have been married for 11 years this year.
We have had a number of things to cope with over that time which we have found difficult and the marriage hasn't fared well.
I come from a background of unusual hardship (emotionally) where I was not treated well and I find it hard to tell whether dh is being awful, or I am a shrew (as he tells me).

I am finding things unbearable atm, so I wanted to ask:

Are these things 'normal'?

Although he will 'help' around the house a bit, it is entirely on his terms.
He will vacuum sometimes. Has never cooked in 15 years. Never. He will put things back in diff places deliberately. Has never loaded the washing machine in 15 years. If I ask for 'different' help to whatever he is doing, he goes up in smoke and refuses to do anything.

He calls me names, all the time.
He refers to my stuff as 'shit'. I do have a hoarding problem.

He won't make ANY decisions, on the basis that 'whatever he does it will be wrong so whats the point'. All decisions are thus left to me. When they go wrong, he gloats and says: I told you so, you should have listened to me.

He takes NO RESPONSIBILITY for anything. He uses an incredible amount of energy telling me why it is my fault if he feels criticised/anything goes wrong. We have 2 children and he has started to do this to them too

Thus, I have to deal with any tradesmen, any new car purchase, (if his dies, he will take mine), any mortgage / utility change, any and ALL letters, any and ALL phone calls etc etc etc.

On a day out, he will delib have a tantrum just before going and tell me he wants to 'cancel it all'. During the day he will say: 'this is crap/expensive/what a waste of time/lets go home'.

He walks out of the room as I am talking to him. He turns his back. He sighs and says: 'are you finished yet?'

I am hard work. I am very anxious/needy sort of person and I do get frustrated and grumpy. I am a bit lazy. We are no longer intimate (I have some health issues and I just dont' really like him any more either
I know its prob 50/50 but are the above things normal, after 11 years with him clearly feeling disappointed in me/the marriage?

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Deal with your hoarding and then deal with him by getting divorced as you are clearly not in positive relationship.

None of what you've described sounds "normal'". He sounds like he's incredibly hard work - yes, you could identify red flags and give him a label, but the bottom line is that he's not very nice and you're far from happy. Do you know what your options are? Have you sat and thought about what you can do? I can't imagine anything is likely to change without some radical action.

Hi, I was thinking 'red flag' by line 5 when you said he tells you you are a shrew!

This all sounds horrible, very lonely and tiring having to do everything yourself.

A particular pet hate of mine is people who will only 'help' in a very specific way, as that is often not very helpful at all.

I am sure more wise heads will show up in due course but I am wondering what you get out of this relationship, as you say you don't like hima dn it looks like you are already doing everything anyway.

Hi
It's not so much to label him just to understand if I am being unreasonable I suppose as I dont' really have a yardstick to judge by iyswim? All my relationships before him were really unhealthy and I thought this would be different. Is it me, or is it just another bad one?

hima dn should read 'him and'

From your post, it doesn't sound like a loving or happy relationship. What is keeping you together?

He doesn't sound like he is giving you any respect. My exP has many of the traits you describe. The one about having a tantrum before a day out was very familiar. My ex had a v difficult childhood. I used to think if I loved him enough it would cure him.

Unfortunately it took me 10 years to learn that I wasn't curing him- he's the only one who can do that! I think that kind of behaviour is what some would call emotionally abusive.

He sounds like a tosser

Even allowing for the fact that this is your perspective on things, it doesn't sound "normal". Even if it was normal, in the sense of being reasonably common, for a relationship to be so (apparently) toxic after 11 years, it doesn't sound like either of you is getting anything positive out of our relationship at the moment. Whether there is any future, I can't possibly judge, but something needs to change.
My dh and I have been together for 11 years (married for almost 10) and, while life together has plenty of challenges for us, we are, basically, still content, happy and fulfilled by being together. I think (hope) that our situation is more normal than the one you describe.
I hope you work it out somehow.

I have health issues and 1 of our children is disabled. We live in the middle of nowhere and I dont' drive. I don't know if I could physically cope by myself in our current living situation and he knows this. I am very isolated and he tells me that its my fault for 'not having any friends'. I have a very few.
He has none. Not one. I don't mean to say that in a tit for tat way, just this is an example of how mean he can be.

He calls you names.
He blames you.
He does this to your children too.
He sets you up to fall, and then belittles you.
He deliberately ruins good times.
He discounts you.

These are indeed red flags. I wonder if you might find further validation on this website.

He sounds horrendous. I know lots of very happy couples and I am 100% sure that namecalling has no place in their relationships. Why would you want to be so rude and hurtful to someone you love and respect?

No, it's not healthy. You know this. Don't ignore your instincts and let your children suffer too as you say they are already starting to. :(

Having a disabled child is very isolating, so few people bother to try and understand. Have you been to the Special Needs section here yet? (you might need to change your settings in customize, it's a slightly hidden area of the forum)

Sounds unbearable. How does he borrow your car when his dies if you don't drive though?

We slept in separate beds on our wedding night (not a good omen).

My first child was a csection delivery after a very tricky pg. He said I looked well after the delivery and seemed pleased. Next day he came in and said I 'looked like s**t' (I did, the drugs had worn off a bit and I felt really rough!). The thing is, he still mentions it, 8 years later My 2nd pg, we agreed to try (it was IVF, not an accidental pg!) then when it worked and I got pg he said he 'didn't want it' and tried to talk me into a termination. I didn't know if he was coming to the delivery . He did come and he is fond of Dd now, but it was horrible. He tells me I am making all this up.

Sorry to drip feed. When I type this out it seems obv he is horrible / we are not at all suited / clearly unhappy. So how stupid am I to take 11 years to realise and why am I still worried about being on my own with the children? I still think it must somehow be my fault as my previous relationships were not straightforward

Wishbig, sorry, historical thing. I don't drive any more due to my health issues. We drive old bangesr which need frequent replacing. Over the marriage, 3 of his have died and he has 'taken over' mine so I've needed to go and get a replacement. This is my fault as I only drive automatics, so he has to get an automatic too (so we can share if necess). As there 'aren't many around' and he needs his for work, I give him mine and then go looking for a replacement for me iyswim.

I took longer...you realise when you are strong enough to see it and to think about doing something.

No, this is NOT normal.

For the reasons others have said.

I am hard work. I am very anxious/needy sort of person and I do get frustrated and grumpy. I am a bit lazy.

Lazy? more like demotivated and totally ground down after having your efforts criticised for years.

You may well find that if you decide to offload him with the rest of your clutter you suddenly get an entirely new lease of life.

You are not stupid. It took you the time it needed to take.

If this is part of a pattern for you, as you say, you would do well to sit back and examine why that might be, once you have sorted out your current situation (the Freedom Programme is excellent for that: it helps women who have been in abusive relationships avoid similar men in their future relationships).

Yes, he is horrible. You and your children do not deserve to be treated so poorly. No-one does.

Who could you talk to in RL for some support?
Would you be willing to give Women's Aid a call and tell them what you've told us here? The number is 0808 2000 247.

You are not stupid.

You will be fine going it alone because you are already going it alone, taking the entire responsibility for your family. The only difference will be the weight that lifts from being constantly criticised and undermined.

It will be easier, you will be free and your DC will thrive in a happy home.

thanks everyone. this is helping me feel less alone.

I said to him tonight that I could cope with everything except that he says he doesnt like the children (Ds in particular. He is hard work but is also mildly disabled). I said to him I feel so desperate sometimes I feel like just jumping on the next train to anywhere with the kids and starting again. I told him I wasn't threatening to DO that, just that was how I felt, iyswim.
He just carried on sweeping up. When I asked if he could hear me he said: 'yes, what do you want me to say, whatever I say it will be wrong' and went off to watch TV. Am I such a bitch that he is so depressed that he doesn't even react to a statement like that? Or is there nothing I can say that will get any sort of genuine reaction out of this person (which is how I feel)? He seems genuinely not bothered if he doesnt see the kids again. He just said: 'well if you go not too far I'll come and stay weekends but if you go to the other end of the country I'll just have to see them a couple of times a year then, won't I?'

You are not a bitch. He is inadequate.

I think he holds all the cards in your relationship and so feels he has to make no effort even to be civil.

Living in the country with a disabled ds, even if you could drive, sounds like an unnecessary nightmare to me. I can't imagine what any of you can possibly be getting out of a daily relationship with this man.

Btw, as the others have said, even the word 'shrew' is a red flag. As to the rest of it - Communist China is calling to ask if they could have a couple back in advance of the Olympic Games.

you said all your previous relationships were unhealthy ?

this one is toxic

i hate this man

He is an emotionally abusive twat and you are more than within your rights to tell him to feck off!

Get the Lundy Bancroft book. No wonder you are anxious living with such disrespect and contempt.

You will feel a weight lifted when you decide to leave. You don't sound lazy, just that you have been crushed by him. Bastard.