Are these 'red flags', or am I being a shrew?

[tunafortea]

Hi

I have been married for 11 years this year.
We have had a number of things to cope with over that time which we have found difficult and the marriage hasn't fared well.
I come from a background of unusual hardship (emotionally) where I was not treated well and I find it hard to tell whether dh is being awful, or I am a shrew (as he tells me).

I am finding things unbearable atm, so I wanted to ask:

Are these things 'normal'?

Although he will 'help' around the house a bit, it is entirely on his terms.
He will vacuum sometimes. Has never cooked in 15 years. Never. He will put things back in diff places deliberately. Has never loaded the washing machine in 15 years. If I ask for 'different' help to whatever he is doing, he goes up in smoke and refuses to do anything.

He calls me names, all the time.
He refers to my stuff as 'shit'. I do have a hoarding problem.

He won't make ANY decisions, on the basis that 'whatever he does it will be wrong so whats the point'. All decisions are thus left to me. When they go wrong, he gloats and says: I told you so, you should have listened to me.

He takes NO RESPONSIBILITY for anything. He uses an incredible amount of energy telling me why it is my fault if he feels criticised/anything goes wrong. We have 2 children and he has started to do this to them too

Thus, I have to deal with any tradesmen, any new car purchase, (if his dies, he will take mine), any mortgage / utility change, any and ALL letters, any and ALL phone calls etc etc etc.

On a day out, he will delib have a tantrum just before going and tell me he wants to 'cancel it all'. During the day he will say: 'this is crap/expensive/what a waste of time/lets go home'.

He walks out of the room as I am talking to him. He turns his back. He sighs and says: 'are you finished yet?'

I am hard work. I am very anxious/needy sort of person and I do get frustrated and grumpy. I am a bit lazy. We are no longer intimate (I have some health issues and I just dont' really like him any more either
I know its prob 50/50 but are the above things normal, after 11 years with him clearly feeling disappointed in me/the marriage?

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

anyfucker
well, I dont' have a great track record
the 2 things that worried me was that he changed completely when we first moved in together. also, he is completely diff outside the house to inside it, iyswim - no one would believe what he is like when it is just us.

I can take anything but the meanness re the kids. they can be hard work but they are nice kids and he is on at them, all the time, 'they are messy, they are naughty, they are expensive, they are a nuisance etc'. because we are no longer intimate, he says I 'used him for kids' and how much happier he'd be as a single man. I think he would have minimal contact if we separate and it does make me re bringing them up all by myself, but I guess I am anyway, in a way.

Plus if he genuinely doesn't like them, they will know, however well hidden you think it is. Far far better to have a happy home without him than feel you're 'doing the right thing' by keeping the family together. This doesn't sound like a family by my definition, sorry OP.

the 2 things that worried me was that he changed completely when we first moved in together. also, he is completely diff outside the house to inside it, iyswim - no one would believe what he is like when it is just us.

So, so typical of this kind of man.

It needn't worry you that "no one would believe what he is like". For one thing, they will. And for another, they don't have to live with him: you do. So only your perception matters.

I can take anything but the meanness re the kids.

I am sure you are capable of taking abuse, but it doesn't mean you should. You matter too, you know.

he doesn't like your kids and makes it quite obvious ?

what are you thinking ?

I know, AF I do think it is affecting my son.

I am just scared I couldn't manage them by myself? Ds has behavioural probs (chicken and egg here) and physically I can't manage much including afterschool activities / days out and we don't have a garden / park so we are really trapped without Dh 'goodwill'.

Of course you're scared.
But you are perfectly capable of managing by yourself.

he relies on your dependence to abuse you

seek other practical help

no-one should have to be a prisoner in an abusive relationship

I counted about 17 red flags, and about 6 NEON flashing scarlet mahossive flags.

Please leave.

When you're in an abusive relationship you wonder how you'll cope without your abuser. As soon as you're free you're amazed how you stayed.

Many many of us have been where you have been and I promise that you are stronger, smarter and more resourceful than he tells you you are.

What sort of health problems do you have? You might find that your body has more strength to heal outside of this dreadful environment you are living in.

Somehow you need to get to a place where you don't see meaness to the DC as the only reason to go (although this is of course a reason to get out of this now) because until you see youself as a person worthy of kindess and respect who shouldn't have to take any of this, you will be very vulnerable to repeating your patterns I'm afraid.

I go with scarlet flags.

we are really trapped without Dh 'goodwill'

This makes me sad. Like was said earlier, he is abusing your dependence on him.
He sounds vile towards you and DC.

Can you not move somewhere easier for you to access stuff and near a park?

Yes, leaving this awful relationship will give you a new lease of life.
I hope you'll find the strength to do it.

Getting out and away from this vile,cruel and abusive man will be better for you and your DC, no matter where you go to.

Living under a bridge would be better. Please contact WA and tell them what you've told us. Tell your Dr too, tell everyone. You need to start planning to get him out of your home, or you to a less isolated one.

Were you there before, or was this his idea to live in the middle of nowhere? Normally these dreadful men will suggest unfamiliar or cut off areas, to keep the power balance away from you.

This man is as bad as they get, he's abusing every member of the family.

The one thing that seems spectularly missing in your 'd'h is 'goodwill', unless there's another definition of the word that I don't know about.

Stop hoarding him - you can always get rid of other stuff later.

I would think that your ds's behaviour will improve miraculously, when your 'd'h is no longer there, constantly grinding him down and squashing him.

Take care of yourself, often them doing it to someone you love is the straw that breaks the camel's back. It was for me, when 'd'm started on my dh.

Time to get practical. Does your son have a social worker? How much money can you get hold of?

He sounds like my dad.
He's being very abusive to you and things will be so much better for you and the DC when you leave. You do not want him staying eberyweekend so if I was you I'd move a long way away x

Obv this is only my side of the story, (and he would say that I am the one who is 'abusive' 'have ruined his life by trapping him with children he doesn't want' etc)

but it sounds like others are agreeing that some of the things I have listed are not 'usual/normal' to have to put up with.

Ooof.

tuna, it's pretty unequivocal, love