Non communicative partner

[WetSunday]

Have n/c but am desperate.

Partner of 9 years always was quiet but I am at the end of my tether after 5 married years of silences.
He is not sulking, he just does not talk.

Things are at crisis point as our teenage dd is in tears at the non communication - I am the one who talks and interacts with the dcs and dd is very open with me. She says that she is receiving help at school with the atmosphere at home.

Dh refuses to discuss this with the doctor or go for councilling.

I knew he was quiet when I our relationship started but it has become worse over the years.

I have suggested he reads dcs stories etc but have to constantly prompt him to speak. It is exhausting and demoralising.

Please can anyone advise me on how to cope with this?

Why is it that he does not speak? Is it anxiety, avoidance, can't-be-arsed, avoiding confrontation? Any thoughts?
Can you describe a 'typical' situation?
Is he as non-communicative with your daughter as he is with you?
And what about it is your daughter upset with?
Sorry lots of questions, just trying to understand a bit more.

And how do you react to this?

My husband would not talk to me and now after 10 years of being together has called time on our marriage detailing all my faults and how unhappy I have made him over the years..... He could never talk to me and tell me whats wrong, he says I walked all over him and organised him, but every time I asked if he wanted to do something, he said yes, so how the hell was I supposed to know that he didnt want to do it.

My husband decided in his own head that the marriage was over and I didnt even know that he was unhappy...

He was always very awkward in social situations, couldnt talk to anybody very easily and didnt make friends. He has 2 friends since childhood and thats about it. Very sad. I did everything I could to try and save the marriage but he just didnt want to know.

He was quiet all his life - very shy.

Typical situation - evenings, he baths ds. rarely speaks. ds goes to bed, dh sits in absolute silence watching television, doing paperwork (fair enough having to concentrate for this). He will answer if you speak to him but will not make a conversation.

He does not communicate with any of us (3 dcs). He is not meaning to be unkind but it does not cross his mind to actually talk. If he does, it is a real effort.

Dd is upset as dh's silences are upsetting me and I asked him to get help or leave until he realised we all feel upset and uncomfortable with the silences.

He is not an unkind man, works hard etc but he does not have friends and never goes to social functions.

This sounds terrible OP. Does he talk at work? Does he have friends?

My reaction is to keep busy or spend time talking with the dcs.

The dcs and I are outgoing, have friends, hobbies and communicate well. I rarely have people to our home as dh sits and says nothing when friends visit.

Sorry - crossed posts.
This sounds awful. You say he refuses to discuss it with a doctor or counsellor. Will he discuss it with you?

No he does not talk at work but his work is solitary - without giving too much away and outing myself.
No, he does not have friends, hobbies or outside interests.

He loves our dcs, will happily sit near if they are playing but has little interaction and the minimum of talking. Dcs tend to come to me and chatter because they know that I will always interact with them.

I have seen some evenings when the clock passes an hour or more and he has not spoken a single word. I clock watched one night and 3 hours went by. I am going insane.

Sorry, x-p.

No he will not discuss it with me although I have written to his doctor and found therapists for him. He refuses to see that it is a problem.

Then you either have to accept it or decide you'd be better (and your children better off) if this wasn't a feature of your day-to-day home life.
If he won't address it, you're going to have to decide whether you can live with it or not.
Sorry. It sounds dreadful and you need to consider the strong messages you're getting from your children about the impact. I wonder how he would interact with the children if he lived apart and was responsible for his relationship with them - without being able to rely on you for communication.

What was he like when you were dating each other.
There must have been clues that he wasn't going to be one for words then?

If he takes the dcs out for the day, they do plenty physical activity or go places, he simply does not talk much with them. Minimal conversation.

I have asked him to leave but it is not great for the dcs to spend silent weekends or days with him. The dcs love to chatter and interact, the younger ones accept that their dad does not talk but mum does.

There is nothing wrong with him (depression or difficulty with words) he is very intelligent and loves the dcs. He just does not speak.

I will stick my neck out here and wonder if he is undiagnosed autistm or has Aspergers?

He could be. But a diagnosis is not going to change the behaviour. This is your marriage. Are you supported? Loved?

Dating was difficult at first so we went to concerts, activities related to his line of work and he did come out of his shell a bit. People who knew him said he was far more outgoing since he met me.

I stupidly thought he would continue to become more outgoing especially when the dcs came along.

dh admitted yesterday that he and I are like chalk and cheese.

WetSunday,

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did he say when you asked him to leave?.

What do you know about his background; what sort of homelife did he have as a child?. What are his parents like towards him now, what sort of relationship does he have?.

He could equally not be anywhere on the ASD spectrum; some people use non communicative means as a way to control and manipulate others. He is certainly not taking any ownership of this and is expecting you to put up with it. His behaviour is affecting your children markedly; I feel for your children in all this as they are learning too from the two of you as to how relationships are conducted. Both of you are currently teaching them damaging lessons.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not.

I feel well supported and loved. The dcs do as well. He does love us very much and in every other aspect, is a good father.

We all want to help him to feel comfortable with conversation but how do you make someone talk when it is just not something they do? He is monosyllabic at meal times for example.

It sounds awful. I had a relationship like this once, it was a constant strain to make conversation (I'm very chatty). He would never talk to my family or friends, if we went to someone's house for dinner he wouldn't talk and would only answer in monosyllables. He didn't seem to get it when I said that he seemed rude and uninterested in others. In the end it drove me crazy and I had to break up with him, and would NEVER go for the same kind of person again. Not helpful perhaps but I think some people are just like that and don't care enough about others to want to interact with them (except possibly their partner, the bare minimum in order to keep them around).

You say you've asked him to leave - what was his response?

And when dating was "difficult", what made you persist?

I'd find this too difficult to continue with. I think it's because I would take it personally, as though he didn't want to talk to me.

What did he say when you said he should leave?

You say he's your partner of 9 years but that you two have a teenage daughter. I'm assuming this is your child from a previous relationship. The children must find it really difficult if their father doesn't speak to them. It indicates a lack of interest in them and their lives. Can't he see that?

I think it's up to you whether you can live with this. It may be worth bearing in mind though, that some men talk much much less than women, and that being all talkative and chatty isn't a necessary way to interact with children. Of course, your husband has taken it to extremes, but he may be someone who prefers doing (e.g. playing games, taking them out for the day) than speaking. Love can be demonstrated in many ways. My FIL doesn't speak a word of English, but the children love playing with him, hanging off his arms, him taking them to the shop (he points at stuff). I know that's an extreme example, and I'm not trying to say speaking is not necessary, but it's not the only way to interact or demonstrate love (e.g. a loving but quiet presence could still be interpreted as caring).

I sometimes joke that if it was up to my husband, my dd2 (who he cared for in the daytime a few days a week when I restarted work) would never have learnt to talk. He seemed to miss out that whole chitter chatter 'this is a ball, say ball' class of conversation. I do that, my daughter does that, my husband doesn't do that.

Over the years, he's learnt what is required in terms of showing interest though, so like making nosies like 'hmm'. Your husband doesn't seem to be interested in learning how to appear more interested, which is worrying.

I think laying it on the line with him that he has swung too far in the direction of not speaking might actually work, if you tell him what you want to do more (e.g. make more noises of interest like 'yes', tell one thing about your day). But I can see him being mystified at how to change, it's like basically telling him to be another person.

He will still be their dad even if you split up, though, and they will have to find their own ways through this rather deafening silence.

You feel well supported and loved?. By whom?. Is he really in all other aspects a good father bearing in mind this from your initial post:-

"Things are at crisis point as our teenage dd is in tears at the non communication - I am the one who talks and interacts with the dcs and dd is very open with me. She says that she is receiving help at school with the atmosphere at home".

What was his response when you asked him to leave?. I guess he refused (they often do).

Some women tend to write the "good father" comment when they themselves have nothing at all positive to say about their man. I think you've always hoped that somehow with your help, he was going to change and that is what has kept you within this for so long. He also does not want your help nor accept any responsibility for his issues hence no counselling or visit to the GP. He's basically saying this is how I am so like it pr lump it. He is also not yours to rescue and or save.

Sorry I have taken so long to reply but have been in touch with some of my family to come and help. Dh has no family.

He will be moving out but is ok with this. He has a house to stay in where he works and one of my family will be there to support him. He is only a mile away.

My family are speaking with dd and dh right now in order to identify the main problems and try to find a solution which will help them both.
We are reassuring them (dcs and dh) that they are very much loved but we all need time to find a positive way forward so we can live together as a family where communication is as important.

dh and I love each other very much and otherwise have a strong relationship but the lack of communication is a killer. I used to wonder what I had done wrong when there were silences but learned that it was not a punishment - it was just the way he was.

His family were well known for their insularity and there seems a history of non communication, even hiding from visitors rather than having to talk to them.

The dcs are with my family just now and will return home in an hour or so.

ImperialBlether, dd is from a previous relationship.
Elephants, i persisted because i loved him.

MumsyBlouse, I can absolutely identify with your example of showing love but not being able to verbally communicate (through not speaking English).
My family are willing to help dh learn how to speak even if it means attending therapy with him.

"My family are willing to help dh learn how to speak even if it means attending therapy with him".

Familial interventions can backfire badly, what can these well meaning people actually do?. Also you still have the sticking point of your H refusing to go to the GP or counselling.

They meant that they were willing to support him if he wanted to try therapy, sorry it sounded like they wanted to be in the room with him (if he went) as that sounded very controlling.

They are trying to back me up in showing him that there is a problem but they are there if he wants them to help him.

He is aware that he does not speak but does not realise the effect it has on us all despite my trying to speak to him about it over the years.

God, that sounds like they have cornered him in a room and he feels threatened which is not the case.

He asked for them to come and help us all sort things out.

his doctor recommended that he attend councilling but he would not go. It made him feel very uncomfortable the (projected) thought of speaking to a stranger about himself for an hour.

I'm not surprised that the idea counselling made him feel awkward! Counselling is unlikely to be helpful for him if he struggles to initiate speech!
I'd suggest some kind of couples counselling initially for both of you together. Sounds like the most important starting point is for you to be able to get across to him how you are feeling and the impact of his non-communication on the family so that he can see that there is a problem......and also his side of things needs to be understood too - it's a two way thing. Maybe he feels very pressured, which may not help.
I think you need to take ownership of your reactions to his behaviour. Sounds like this is causing your daughter distress, along with DH not communicating.