Non communicative partner

[WetSunday]

Have n/c but am desperate.

Partner of 9 years always was quiet but I am at the end of my tether after 5 married years of silences.
He is not sulking, he just does not talk.

Things are at crisis point as our teenage dd is in tears at the non communication - I am the one who talks and interacts with the dcs and dd is very open with me. She says that she is receiving help at school with the atmosphere at home.

Dh refuses to discuss this with the doctor or go for councilling.

I knew he was quiet when I our relationship started but it has become worse over the years.

I have suggested he reads dcs stories etc but have to constantly prompt him to speak. It is exhausting and demoralising.

Please can anyone advise me on how to cope with this?

Hi Wet,

re your comment:-
"his doctor recommended that he attend councilling but he would not go. It made him feel very uncomfortable the (projected) thought of speaking to a stranger about himself for an hour".

He may well feel uncomfortable but its a cop out on his part. You have now asked him to leave as things are so bad. Currently you are all trying to help him; he has also roped your family into this but he is still not taking ownership or even taking responsibility for and of the problems is he?. All of you mean well but what it is really going to achieve. In the meantime your DD is still suffering due to her dad not speaking at home; her distress is all too apparant from your postings.

I have had some time to think and the issue is not only verbal but any means of communication. He does not answer the phone, switches off his mobile phone, 'forgets' appointments and does not let me know if he is picking dcs up from school or if I am.
Quite a few times I have gone to pick them up and he is already there.

Dd is back and feels much better, calmer and happier. (She says). She has gone with dh to pick up some shopping but I will be able to chat with her once they return.

You are spot on Selks. We need couple counselling away from family. I will find out about this tomorrow. I am not getting much from this relationship and as mentioned earlier, tend to concentrate on how the children feel and think.

There is an added irony. He used to give speeches and after dinner talks, rather well, I might add so he is perfectly capable of social events and public speaking and enjoyed doing them.

This was all before we began our relationship.

I forgot about that am am now quite angry.

Well indeed you need counselling and if he keeps refusing to go I'd go on my own instead. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Am glad your DD says she feels much happier but bear in mind she could also be saying that to make you as her mum feel better.

How do you respond to him when he is already at school when you're picking the children up?.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time with regards to him?.

If we both turn up at the school, I usually have a quick chat with some of the other parents, head home then ask him why he did not let me know he was going after the dcs are in bed.
It is non confrontational and the anger has dissipated by then.

Dd does seem happier - we are doing a baking together. She feels that now dh has been made aware by the whole family of the problems his non communication is causing, that we have somewhere to start from and try to work towards making it easier for her and her siblings.

She recognises that dh does love her but he does not find it easy to express himself, he bottles emotions up inside but cannot articulate them.
She suggested activities where he would have to give instruction eg fishing or badminton or board games for wet days where he would take turn to read something out.

I cannot see myself with him in a year's time unless he tries hard to communicate. He is going to have to work at this for the sake of our family.