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Original poster

Can you ever be truly happy in the house they shared with ex?

32 replies

missduff · 13/05/2012 07:52

I currently live with DP in my house with my DS but there's talk of us moving in to his house where he lived with his ex wife and 2 kids.

When we first met he was living there so I'm familiar with it, it's bigger than mine but decor wise i'd want to change everything as his ex had awful taste. However we're having a baby soon so in reality i'd have to live with the awful decor until finances are better.

His ex moved in the house nearly a year ago but now wants a place of her own so as she's there at the mo I'm not sure if it would feel like I was living in her house??
I really don't like the woman so not sure if that's gonna cause issues for me.

Also I'm concerned about whether his kids will ever really respect me in their mum and dads house. The kids live their at the mo with their mum but are really naughty for her, not sure if that naughty behaviour will just continue at that house?

The top and bottom of it is I am happy in my house, I'm settled for the first time in a long time and not sure I want to give that up to move to a house where I'm not convinced I can ever truly be happy.

Has anybody got any success stories they can share?

In an ideal world I'd like to sell both houses and buy one together but due to the housing market and difficulty getting a mortgage I think now probably isn't the right time for that.

OP posts:

workshy · 13/05/2012 07:56

personally I think you need to find 'your home' otherwise it will forever be his house or my house

I know people talk about the housing market but sometimes things are more important that you have to bite the bullet and take the hit -your happiness is more important IMO than worrying about what a house might be worth in 15-20 years when you sell it

Longdistance · 13/05/2012 07:58

Why does he want to move back to that house? Just out of curiousity.
I now part own the house my dh shared with his exgf. I hate the place, as we still get post in her name. It has been redecorated, but it's like dressing up a turd tbh!
We have it rented out, as now live in Australia.
Why can't you just stay in ur house?

ettiketti · 13/05/2012 08:00

Sell both and buy new? In reality tho I find this a bit odd! Maybe its me? You can make any house a home, if you need/have to.

TooManyOddSocks · 13/05/2012 08:07

I moved into my DHs house that he had shared with his ExW. It wasn't too bad, but some things were really hard. It was difficult to go in and put my stamp on it, the kitchen used to drive me mad. I didn't like the way he had them arranged so moved them about (eg where tins or plates were kept) so that it made more sense to me. Only DH kept puttings back into their old place (out of habit from doing it for 20years). Small things like that used to bug me.
But I could have lived there longterm and certainly wouldn't have stretched ourselves financially to buy a new house just on that basis.
We were lucky and our circumstances changed so now we live in a house that we chose.
Should mention, Dh lived with me in my house (before we moved to his house) and he felt similar to me, couldn't properly make it his home too.

Llareggub · 13/05/2012 08:18

Rent out both and rent elsewhere? The stuff about the children being naughty is a separate isssue and nothing to do with the house.

Rowgtfc72 · 13/05/2012 08:22

Dp moved into the house I bought with my ex. He said he would like to redecorate I thought paint, he meant demolishing walls, ripping out stuff. Weve lived together five years now and I can barely remember living here with my ex as it is "our " house now. Dp went on the mortgage two years ago. We will move eventually for practical reasons (no drive or garage) but as it stands its our home.

Original poster

missduff · 13/05/2012 08:24

workshy the problem with buying our own house is more complicated than just the drop in house prices, we would struggle to get a new mortgage, I'm now on a part time wage and about to go on maternity leave and DP's credit rating isn't great as he got in to a bit of a mess when his ex left him with a huge mortgage to pay on his own.
Plus banks now require 15% deposit and we'd be struggling to find that as the value of both our houses has dropped so much and any equity in his house will have to be split with his ex.
So yes I agree we do need a house which is ours rather than mine or his but I think we might have to hang on a couple of years before it can happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

missduff · 13/05/2012 08:37

longdistance it does make practical sense for us to live in his house, my house is only 2 bed, once baby is here we'll have 4 kids here every weekend. The kids are happy here and whilst they're small I'm sure they won't mind but they're only going to get bigger and so it does make sense to live in the bigger house.

Also financially it makes sense as his ex is moving out of the house anyway so he's got to decide what to do with it, he can sell it or rent it but to rent it out he would get less than what he pays on the mortgage.
However, ive only got an interest only mortgage so if I rent mine out I'd make a profit, so that profit would fund the extra that his house would cost us which then means that we'd be paying about the same to live in his house as mine.

It is considerably bigger and in a better area so on paper it makes total sense, but emotionally I'm not sure if it's best for me.
Every time she does something that pisses me off (which is often) there's a good chance I'm going to just look at the house and everything that's wrong with it (a lot) and hate the place.

OP posts:

springaroundthecorner · 13/05/2012 08:44

OP, I would explain how you feel to your DP. The last thing you want is upheaval when you are pregnant/have a new baby. This upheaval is going to cause you extra problems because you are so uncomfortable about the prospect of living in this house.

FWIW I would stay put for now. Your DS will appreciate that too at time when there are going to be massive changes for him when his new sibling arrives.

You can move in the future when your finances are more settled.

It is a mistake to underestimate the upheaval a house move brings to a child. My DS was 2 when we moved house back to the UK from another European country. He used to crawl to the front door and cry and say want to go home. It was heart wrenching. I had never predicted that. His older siblings were fine and coped admirably with new schools.

Llareggub · 13/05/2012 08:45

Well, I personally wouldn't move in with someone without being legally married.

Original poster

missduff · 13/05/2012 09:08

springaroundthecorner you are right I really don't want to upheave DS when I'm not sure that it's going to be a permanent or at least very long term move, I'm not sure that I even want my kids growing up in this area if I'm truly honest. I think I would rather wait until I'm 100% sure of where I want to live.

llareggub fortunately I live in the year 2012 and don't need a piece of paper to know that my partner loves me and is committed to me. DP got married and 6 months later she walked out on him so a fat lot of good marriage did for them!
And even if we were married it wouldn't make an ounce of difference to whether I would be happy in their house or not would it?

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 13/05/2012 09:12

You would be totally mad to move into the home your partner shared with his ex. You must all move if you are serious about your life together.

MushroomSoup · 13/05/2012 09:20

I moved, with 3 DCs under 5, into DP's house that he used to share with his XP. We did it for all the reasons you're talking about and I was pregnant too!
As far as we were concerned, once we'd moved in, it was OUR house. We painted, changed furniture, sorted out space for the kiddies etc. It didn't bother me that it was XPs - they weren't happy there particularly as a couple so it's not as if it was a love nest!!

QuickLookBusy · 13/05/2012 09:39

Do you have the money to change the house to how you would want it to be?

parachutesarefab · 13/05/2012 09:43

"Also financially it makes sense as his ex is moving out of the house anyway so he's got to decide what to do with it, he can sell it or rent it but to rent it out he would get less than what he pays on the mortgage.
However, ive only got an interest only mortgage so if I rent mine out I'd make a profit, so that profit would fund the extra that his house would cost us which then means that we'd be paying about the same to live in his house as mine."

Doesn't add up, sorry.

Whichever house you live in, you'll be paying the same total mortgage payments. The only difference comes with what you could gain by renting out each house - if 'his' is larger, and in a better area than 'yours', wouldn't you expect to get more rental income from it, and so be better off in the smaller house? You would usually have bigger bills in a larger property too, so again you'd save by staying where you are.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

postmanpatscat · 13/05/2012 10:21

My DP moved in with his new partner in two previous relationships. Both were fairly short lived. My house is small but it is mine. My exh still lives in what used to be our family home. I didn't want to stay there and be surrounded by relics of the past. DP doesn't want to move in here and I completely understand that. At the moment he lives in a shared house and only has clothes, a laptop and guitar. When we are ready, we will sell this house and buy a larger home for us and all of our children, even though it means a large mortgage and wasting money on stamp duty. We need a home that is ours, not mine.

Charbon · 13/05/2012 10:47

It reads like you're attributing several complex issues to the inanimate object that is a house. It would be better to separate them and take the emotions out of what is a practical situation i.e. where to live.

Regarding that, unless his house would attract a low rental because of the area, schools or state of repair, I agree that what you've said doesn't stack up financially. And if that's true, then if your son would have to transfer to a worse school because of the move, it wouldn't be fair on him to do that. You haven't mentioned his views about this at all - would he want to live there?

Regarding the house - can you both rent yours out and rent elsewhere for a while? Or extend your house if your partner feels differently about your property to the way you feel about his?

The other stuff is far more complex. You seem to be blaming a great deal on his exW; her taste (when presumably your partner chose those things or agreed to them) and your partner's financial mis-management.

If you can't stand the mother of your partner's children and you care for those children every weekend, it might be leaking out in some way to them which means that relationships will be very strained and doesn't augur well for any step-parenting relationships in the future.

TalHotBlond · 13/05/2012 10:53

I'm happy in the house my DH shared with his ex. It's my home now, why wouldn't I be? The past is dead and gone and it's just a house. Is this a bit of an insecurity thing do you think?

TalHotBlond · 13/05/2012 10:57

That sounded a bit snarky actually. I didn't mean it to!

Do you have any issues about his ex or their relationship?

AliveSheCried · 13/05/2012 11:01

Rent out them both, then rent your own place. Not as good is living in your own home, but avoids the emotional bs. I wouldnt want to do it, the topic came ip and I stuck to my guns and insisted on living in my house.

Original poster

missduff · 13/05/2012 11:07

quicklookbusy no not really at the mo as I'm about to go on mat leave, well we could probably manage a bit of work, I would have to do the kids bedrooms a) as they are currently for wrong genders and b) I've got my nesting head on lol

OP posts:

Llareggub · 13/05/2012 11:11

Missdufff, it isn't about the morals of living together but the legal protection it affords you.

Original poster

missduff · 13/05/2012 11:18

parachute yes his house is bigger and in a better area (well same area but better part of it) but mine is finished to a better standard and overall nicer, we've both rented the houses out in the past and he got £50pcm more for his than I did for mine. So sorry you're right we wouldn't be better off but we wouldn't be paying much more to live in the bigger house, so it does make financial sense.
Just got to decide whether it's what I really want.

OP posts:

QuickLookBusy · 13/05/2012 11:27

Yes only you can decide.

Do you know the house well? Could you go and spend a few hours there with dp and really look at what needs doing/how it would look with your things in it and all of you there together?

If you come away enthused about painting, moving things around and feel good about it then great. If you don't then I wouldn't move there.

Original poster

missduff · 13/05/2012 11:32

charbon you're right I am attaching several emotional issues to the house but to me it's not just a house, it will be my home which is an emotional decision, especially for me, home is sooo important to me, maybe it's because I didn't have a very nice/happy one as a child (sorry different issue)

DS is only 2 and school is not an issue. He starts nursery school at a school in September (he'll be 3 by then) and the new house is actually closer to that school so getting him in to reception the following year shouldn't be an issue.

DP actually prefers my house to his, he was never happy there and although my house is smaller he is comfortable here. He's of a similar mindset as me, he can see plus and downsides to both options and is happy to go along with whatever I want to do.
We can't really afford to extend at the moment but it is an option for in the future.

OP posts:

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