Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Starting to hate my marriage.

32 replies

Illuminatedlabia · 12/05/2012 22:01

I'm not really sure where to start. I've been wanting to write this thread for so long.
Well, I'm starting to hate my marriage. Dh is not horrible or abusive but I'm totally frustrated. I can't say he does nothing. He doesn't stop me having my independence or an active social life. What is so frustrating is that I feel like his mother. I'm fairly strong but there are times I need someone to lean on and he just can't be that person.
At every tough time and there has been a few he looks to me for all the answers. I had pnd after my last baby 2 years, we'd had a family death and 2 days after I gave birth my dad came to our town for triple bypass surgery. When I should have been baby mooning I was constantly between home and the hospital with my mum and he couldn't offer me any practical or emotional support.
He can't make any decisions without running them passed me and I don't mean big things we should be discussing I mean right down to little things like what to buy for tea if he's the one in the shops.
I feel like I'm starting to despise him. I end up being responsible for everything. Important calls to be made, bills to be paid etc etc.
I've been a lone parent. I don't mind doing it all when I'm the only one doing it but when another adult is there flailing around not doing it.
I even wouldn't mind if he picked up the pieces elsewhere but he doesn't.
He struggles with disciplining the dc because he gives up when it gets tough. Ds has realised this and ends up trying to play us off against each other and I end up feeling stuck in the middle.
There are a million examples I could give and I've talked until I'm blue in the face and he makes excuses or says he'll try but it never happens.
I'm scared to leave. I left the older dc dad when they were small and I feel I've made such a mess of it all.

OP posts:

IDismyname · 12/05/2012 22:05

Have you actually sat him down and told him this face to face? Have you told him how you feel?

SURELY he could take responsibility for some stuff - bins, garden - whatever.

You need to have this out with him, rationally, and see what he says. He may think that you WANT to be in control, and have misread your signals.

Nice bottle of vino, dcs in bed. Talk to him!

Original poster

Illuminatedlabia · 12/05/2012 23:15

I have talked to him. Many many times. I've sat down and laid it all out.
He does have things he's supposed to be responsible for but doesn't do them either.
It's not so much the little every day things it's the big things too.
Ok one recent example. We have moved house. The one we are in is a temporary measure he was supposed to sort out the storage of some of our furniture that had been moved into his mums spare room.
During the move I had sorted out all the paperwork side, made all the phone calls, packed all the boxes and physically although not alone moved all the stuff. While doing all the school runs and with toddler with me all day. This was the only thing I'd asked him to do. He had 2 weeks to do it in as mil was also moving out her house. I gave him the letter with either an email address and phone number of the person who he had to contact. He never did it. I was going to just let the stuff go to the skip because I've had enough of bailing him out. Cutting of my nose to spite my face possibly but I was angry.
In the end mil very kindly managed to squeeze it into her storage and he was off scot free again.
Whether it be bins or big stuff if I don't do it it doesn't get done. He faffs about so much and basically needs his hand held throughout that I'd be bloody quicker doing it myself but I don't. I step back let him get on with it and it never happens.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 00:06

was he always like this?

Pickgo · 13/05/2012 00:09

Why not accept him as he is and just take complete control? I know it's not ideal but might have its compensations eg you get to make all the decisions and have things the way you want them.

blackcurrants · 13/05/2012 00:09

That sounds so frustrating, OP. Have you thought about Relate?

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 00:13

pickgo that would be exhausting! and how could op not feel resentful?

Pickgo · 13/05/2012 00:16

I think it appeals to my not so inner control freak

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 00:17

ugh

I couldn't live like this

I couldn't respect a person like this...without respect what do you have ?

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 00:19

pickgo

Pickgo · 13/05/2012 00:27

Yes to be more serious - I have to agree if you lose respect for your partner then I don't think you actually want a relationship with them iyswim.

IL - are there any things your DH does well, that you can depend on him for? Does he have any redeeming features?

blackcurrants · 13/05/2012 02:22

Yeah, I'm afraid I feel the same, Any - I don't know how the OP feels but I would feel wearied past the point of any possible respect, love, or heavens knows desire. Who fancies a grown-up toddler, after all? That's not someone being your partner, that's someone being a parasite.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Original poster

Illuminatedlabia · 13/05/2012 07:55

Looking back he has always been like this but we were lucky that in the early days in that we never had anything major to deal with. It wasn't until ds came along and I really struggled that it hit me how bad it was.
It's true AF it is so hard to respect him and at times I do feel resentful.
The situation with the children is frustrating too. If I'm out the room and he tells one of them off he then feels the need to give me a blow by blow account when I come back. He then complains that the dc always run to mum when he tries to discipline them in any way. I believe that it's because he has given them the impression that the buck stops with me because that's exactly what they see him doing. Fine if he wants me to know what happened but to run and do it in front of them is totally giving the wrong message.
It is exhausting. I am a bit of a control freak but even still I need someone I can lean on sometimes.
There is nothing I can rely on him to do of his own volition. He will tidy up or do dishes etc if I say could you do that but it is extremely rare that he'll just go and do it.

OP posts:

grobagsforever · 13/05/2012 08:04

Is he equally useless at work OP? If he is competent at work then he can transfer those skills to home.

timetoask · 13/05/2012 08:20

He has probably grown up in a home with a strong mother who didn't treat him like a capable person able to make decisions. He probably grew up in a home that didn't give him any responsibilities. He probably has severe insecurity issues, if he doesn't even trust his choice for dinner.

I was like that OP, to a lesser degree, but recognise myself a little in your OH. My DH helped me with my self-confidence. I am now a grown up! But was lucky that my DH saw my other qualities and had the patience to help me.

I think you really need to send your DH to CBT therapy to explore his insecurity. Also, start delegating, if YOU ARE A CONTROL FREEK, then you are probably enjoying getting involved with every decision, which is not helping him grow up. Delegate and let go, don't get involved, don't worry if he makes the wrong mistake.

Original poster

Illuminatedlabia · 13/05/2012 08:23

The thing about work is he has had the same job for 15 years so it's hard to say. There have been changes at work over the years but ultimately his jobs always been the same and he can do it with his eyes shut so little effort involved.

I wonder sometimes if he's just lazy or if he really struggles with decision making.
He used to deny that he was crap at it now he admits he's crap at it and thinks that's a get out of jail free card rather than trying to find solutions for it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Illuminatedlabia · 13/05/2012 08:30

Timetoask you are absolutely right about his mother but he lived away from home for 10 years before we met.
As much of a control freak I can be it's more because I'm a total scatter brain so have to be super organised to combat it.
I don't enjoy getting involved in all the decisions and I do leave him to it I actively don't get involved. The result is always that it doesn't get done. He has never taken responsibility for something and actually carried it through. With the result we nearly lost most of our furniture and appointments have been missed.

OP posts:

Collaborate · 13/05/2012 08:40

Just focusing on a snippet of your OP. my DW does 95% of the grocery shopping so she always knows what we've got in and what we need. If I'm in Tesco I get the stuff I like, which generally is the stuff she never gets (eg I just love toast toppers - will out self here). If ever I'm going to Tesco she'll do me a list otherwise I'll be laden down with beer, crisps, pot noodle and toast toppers.

Looks like you have more issues though. Talk.

Original poster

Illuminatedlabia · 13/05/2012 09:03

Collaborate that made me actually.
With us the shopping is more 50/50 though mainly because he is generally home a couple of hours before me. That's one of the reasons I think things frustrate me as well is that during standard business hours he is more likely to be in the house to chase things up and make phone calls etc yet he doesn't.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 11:17

Toast Toppers ? MrsC, you need to leave the bastard !

OP, it is quite true that issues like this oten don't come to the fore until after you have dc. When you are dc-free you simply have more to to cary another adult, and in the first flush of romantic love it can feel nice to support someone else.

When you need that person to step up though, and they are sorely lacking, the problems that were there all along become more stark and many marriages founder at this point

You need to have this level of talk with your H. Does he know his laziness/apathy/childlike dependence/whatever will ultimately threaten your marriage ? It must be like having an extra child in the house when you need an equal partner.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 11:18

*more time

glastocat · 13/05/2012 11:26

Can't help with the thread but can't believe they still make toast toppers! I haven't seen them in thirty years!

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 11:28

Collaborate is obvioulsy keeping th Toast Topper Industry going, singelhandedly

RandomMess · 13/05/2012 11:29

Drives me mad and took me to fall apart until DH stepped back up and took on responsibilities for some of the stuff I was struggling with. Fortunately he has always remaind good and sorting out the dc, making meals, clearing up etc. Doesn't seem to notice dirt though

AdelaideRex · 13/05/2012 11:38

OP I've been in a relationship similar to this and now It's over I understand how it happened, my ex was highly critical when I made decisions so much so she stripped me of all my confidence and I ended up being terrified to make a decision without checking first.

I'm not suggesting you are EA to you DP but is he low on confidence for some reason, ask him.

ivykaty44 · 13/05/2012 11:41

What is so frustrating is that I feel like his mother. Then stop acting like his mother, you are a couple and so if you behave one way he will adopt and behave in the other way - so stop behaving in that manner and after a while he will have to adjust. There is a giver and then therefore their will be a receiver. So stop giving and he will stop receiving.

Stop take a large step back

He can't make any decisions without running them passed me and I don't mean big things we should be discussing I mean right down to little things like what to buy for tea if he's the one in the shops.

I don't know, I am not sure, I don't want to answer that question as I have other things to think about - it is an answer and one you should be using

Flip

1 2