Starting to hate my marriage.

[Illuminatedlabia]

I'm not really sure where to start. I've been wanting to write this thread for so long.
Well, I'm starting to hate my marriage. Dh is not horrible or abusive but I'm totally frustrated. I can't say he does nothing. He doesn't stop me having my independence or an active social life. What is so frustrating is that I feel like his mother. I'm fairly strong but there are times I need someone to lean on and he just can't be that person.
At every tough time and there has been a few he looks to me for all the answers. I had pnd after my last baby 2 years, we'd had a family death and 2 days after I gave birth my dad came to our town for triple bypass surgery. When I should have been baby mooning I was constantly between home and the hospital with my mum and he couldn't offer me any practical or emotional support.
He can't make any decisions without running them passed me and I don't mean big things we should be discussing I mean right down to little things like what to buy for tea if he's the one in the shops.
I feel like I'm starting to despise him. I end up being responsible for everything. Important calls to be made, bills to be paid etc etc.
I've been a lone parent. I don't mind doing it all when I'm the only one doing it but when another adult is there flailing around not doing it.
I even wouldn't mind if he picked up the pieces elsewhere but he doesn't.
He struggles with disciplining the dc because he gives up when it gets tough. Ds has realised this and ends up trying to play us off against each other and I end up feeling stuck in the middle.
There are a million examples I could give and I've talked until I'm blue in the face and he makes excuses or says he'll try but it never happens.
I'm scared to leave. I left the older dc dad when they were small and I feel I've made such a mess of it all.

I have told him that it is becoming a threat to our marriage he thinks that's just me being arsey and trying to threaten him into changing
We did sit down a few weeks ago and had a very frank discussion about what was going on. He did confess to possibly being on the lazy side and that he does doubt his own decision making process sometimes. That I could deal with if he would also discuss or find some solutions to it.
If I look back now there are things at the beginning of the relationship that I have since told him I should have ended it then. At the time I thought foolishly I suppose that they were evidence of him being a nice caring guy which to be fair he is. I realise now they were evidence of him being apathetic and tbh a bit spineless.

I feel like I know it's not going to change. He did say when we talked that he felt I'd made up my mind whatever he does and I said he couldn't know that until he did actually try.

My dh was a bit like that. Couldn't even make a decision about what to order at a cafe. He'd wait to see what I ordered then say, "I'll have the same."

Now he's on his own he has to make decisions and it's actually quite lovely to see him growing iukwim

I think he was never cut out for a relationship, he'd spent his childhood anxiously trying to fix his alcoholic father and had never stopped to consider his own needs. So he wasn't able to identify what he wanted or to comprehend he had any control over anything. Which suited me to a point as I was/am? v controlling but all v unhealthy.

Sorry if that is of absolutely no help whatsover

But half the problem is that he won't look for his own solutions to problems, OP. So if you tell him how he needs to try and change, it's the same as him taking out the rubbish because you specifically instruct him to do so. It's a reflex to stop someone hassling you, not a recognition that this is your responsibility to sort out.

I would second the suggestion of Relate, to see if you can find a neutral territory to discuss how you both address the imbalance in your relationship. He needs to be thinking much more seriously about how he makes his marriage work.

Relate sounds a good idea

Would he consider it ?

Ivykaty you are so right and I have taken a massive step back as I've said. I don't bail him out anymore and step in.
The phone calls about dinner I did start doing as you said and he got pissed off again thinking I was being arsey so now I just don't answer the phone if I know he's shopping.

I think the combination of his mother and probably his ex have compounded this. His ex still even now informs him of plans re. Dss never discusses it or is open for any kind of discussion or compromise. I get the impression she was happy to tell him what to do and he went along with it.
I'm not sure about relate. Definitely worth discussing with him but I think he'll take some persuasion he is not a man of many words but I'll broach it.

So if he wants to be a 'man of not many words', how does he propose you resolve this situation? It would help immeasurably, I think, if he took some responsibility for finding a solution.

I know you ate totally right. I don't want to be defeatist but I just worry about wasting time and money. People we know well struggle to get a conversation out him I'm not sure how willing he'd be to open up to a stranger.
I'm not really painting him in a good light am I? He's just quite quiet and more reserved than I am.
I'm going to need to sit him down again this week tell again how dire the situation is becoming and suggest relate.