Unplanned pregnancy - terribly worried about effect on marriage and existing DC

[GoingMadInsideMyOwnHead]

A few weeks ago, DH and I got carelessly carried away. I am now 6 weeks pregnant. We already have 2 children and were definite about not wanting any more. My immediate reaction was tears, shock and an insistence that I would have to terminate. DH was more measured and wanted to think about things carefully. 2 weeks later and he is pretty clear that we should terminate if I can bring myself to do so (he is very clear that it is ultimately my decision). Meanwhile, I have come around to the opposite view. God help me, though, I can?t see that either decision can end happily for us as a couple.

We have so many ?head? reasons not to have another child: our age (late 30s); the young age and unrelenting demands placed on us by our 2 dc; our constant tiredness (DH particularly, as he is the type of person who needs more than 8 hours sleep per night); and the lifestyle choices we have already made in anticipation of having just two children.

DH gave up a very stressful and well-paid City job for something he enjoys more and that puts him under much less pressure but which pays considerably less well. He could ? and intends to - increase his hours by 20% but this was supposed to finance a house move at some point not another child. I recently gave up my job, with DH?s full support and encouragement, to do a post-grad in something else. The hope is that this post-grad will lead to a new career but it will be slow to evolve and is unlikely to be financially terribly rewarding at first (if at all). I love what I do now and feel very upset at the thought of having to jack it in to do something else. Also, now I am off the treadmill of my previous career, it would be hard to get back into it, unless perhaps at a much lower level. It would also mean a hefty commute.

Our current house is mortgage-free but really too small for 3 children. We both work from home so have to keep one room for a study. This means that 2 children would have to share a smallish room. I guess I don?t think this is the end of the world but DH thinks it?s pretty dire. We don?t want to move until we have got all 2 (3?) children into the very good local primary where our eldest has just got a place.

DH also worries a lot about not being able to afford private secondary education (we were both privately educated so he thinks our children should have the same opportunity), school trips, holidays and other treats. And then he wants to be able to help them with university costs and maybe with buying a house in years to come.

I absolutely see where he is coming from ? but the fact is I think I want to keep this baby because it is already there. That is the heart reason. And I don?t think he feels that. He has said that of course he would want and love the baby if we had it but, but....if we have it we both worry he will be stressed and tired, that neither of us will have time to do the things we are just starting to find time to do again, and that all the children will suffer possibly emotionally (due to tired, stressed parents) and certainly financially. And I am not sure how our marriage would weather this. We struggled a lot with the others and felt we were just emerging into the light.

But if we don?t have it, I am afraid I will feel guilty and bereft and perhaps end up looking for someone to blame.

I love my husband and children and want this to end well - preferably by waking up and finding it was all a dream .

Help help help! (And sorry for the epic post.)

I'm sorry but you are thinking of terminating a life so that your other children can go to private school? .. You made the choice to not be safe , you knew the consequences ..

Of course I'm not. If you read what I wrote, you'll see it is just one thing that informs the bigger picture.

And, yes, I know we were careless. I don't need anyone else to beat me over the head about that. However I am not with you on automatically accepting the consequences, especially at this early stage. There are 4 existing people to think about as well.

But, anyway, thank you for your reply.

We can't say 'have it' or 'terminate'. It's just not one of those decisions that anyone else can advise over. From my point of view you're not too old, you could extend your house and I'm sure you'd find a way to mitigate the other material/career-related problems. When I had my surprise pregnancy I know the problems I anticipated were nothing like as bad as the ones I'd imagined but that there were other things I hadn't quite bankedon. But that was me and this is you. Be honest with each other as a couple as right now I think you're both second-guessing each other to a degree. And if your heart says 'have the baby', then have the baby. There are few other decisions where it is right to let your heart rule your head.

I'm so so sorry for you. Your situation is almost exactly the same as a friend of mines fairly recently. Her DH was quite cold about it all though, and she had terrible trouble with the decision because in spite of all the issues, she was carrying the baby. Much like yourself - a heart thing not a head thing. In the end she terminated (she was unable to go through with it the first appt, but 'managed' the second) and was incredibly upset that her DH expected her to deal with it like a blip rather than a life-changing event. Shes on the other side now and acknowledges that it was the best decision for their family. She also accepts though that whilst her DH had moved on even before the termination, she will always have to deal with 'losing' that baby. BUT she thinks their relationship couldnt have survived it.

I dont envy your decision. I know what I'd do personally - but thats because even though I dont really want another, we could cope financially, and my DH really wants more. I really like my life now and I dont want the stress of having to stop work altogether. I've only just started getting full nights sleeps (some nights anyway) after 5 years and I can barely cope with looking after two boys without throwing another child into the mix. I completely understand what you mean about emerging into the light. But I still dont know if I could terminate.

I feel for you, and I can't help you. I wish you didnt have the decision to make. best of luck

I've not been in your shoes (but I do have 3 dcs under 6 so understand that side of things) but I would imagine that if you have a smidge of doubt about abortion, that smidge could become an almighty blot on your life a few years on. Your marriage might not weather that if you do (as you raise as a possibility) look for someone else to blame.

I only intended to have 2 dcs but my second pregnancy was twins. After having a bit of a scream we got on with things, and it has been fabulous, although money is tight and we had to move from a house we loved to somewhere a bit bigger. Why would you necessarily have to move miles away from dcs school? And if your first dc has a place, don't your other children automatically get a place? (That's the system around here). I'm at college part-time, DCs dad is self-employed and works at home - it can be done and there is no hardship in dcs sharing a bedroom.

Your children will not suffer emotionally if you have another child. But YOU will, if you terminate this pregnancy against your wishes. And making that decision so your DC can be privately educated and and enjoy school expensive trips?

Look, I know this is probably very hard to get your head around if you and your DH went to private schools, but why on EARTH do you imagine your DC will not be happy and successful at the state schools which 90% of the population of this country attend? Youa re intelligent professionals, so presmably capable of supporting your children's education at home. Most middle class parents can't afford private school, yet our DC get into good universities somehow.

RA88 you are totally out of order. That is not what the OP said at all, she is struggling with this and has come here for support. No one terminates a pregnancy lightly, no one should have to proceed with an unplanned pregnancy unless that is want they want

OP you do not need to defend yourself for your 'carelessness'. I suspect most of the world's population were a surprise. IMO you would manage, but I fully understand wanting to do more than manage. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide.

23 yars ago I was in this situation. With a fourth child. I briefly considered a termination, my husband more so. However we continued the pregnancy (with me crying virtually non-stop for the first 5 months - I'd got No. 3 off to nursery - life for 'me' was in sight, etc).

From the moment she was born, neither of us had any regrets WHATSOEVER. She was and is a total blessing.

Money and material things are not actuall that important to children - what is, is the quality of their parenting. You mos crtainly will never regret having this baby - but you might regret not.

But you must follow your own heart. And it is YOUR heart which matters ultimately - it's your body.

really helpful RA88
It's a difficult decision for you OP and your DH sounds very supportive whatever you decide, you need to ultimately decide what is best for you and you family. but i think if even any part of you wants this baby then you have to think seriously about having it. an abortion is not an easy thing to do especially if part of you isn't sure.

If you want to keep the baby, keep the baby. Any other course would be disasterous. The practicalities can all be overcome. Your distress probably wouldn't be

Good luck and think of your happiness in a few years time

You're both thinking far too much about the negatives of having another baby. I understand why, of course. But would it be worth sitting down together and thinking about the positives? And assess how much those negatives really matter (private school may be out the window, but will a good state school really be such a problem? sharing a room has its benefits, too).

I feel for you.

I think that it's heart rather than head that matters most here. You have to live with yourself for a long time.
You and dh both clearly have decent jobs and prospects. You may end up doing things differently than you expected but you still have a lot of choices. You have a mortgage free 4 bedroom house and access to a decent primary. You're in a good position if you do want to continue.

Could you move near a school with an excellent reputation, that isn't fee paying?

If you continue with the pregnancy, your children will benefit rather than suffer from having a sibling. No doubt about that.

You know you could have used the MAP. You could have had an immediate termination, which wouldn't have been anything like as painful. You chose not to - I think you need to look at your reasons why.

Life doesn't always go as we plan. There are many, many alternative worlds where we can be happy.

Two children sharing a room isn't a big deal.

Honestly.

It's completely your decision. I could tell you what I feel but it wouldn't help.

Lots of people do have children on very low incomes, and raise them well and happily.

I do understand your reasoning. Is there a way to do your postgrad part time? Then you could keep working towards your aim work wise.

And although of course financial planning is really important, it is difficult to say definitely where your finances will be in ten years. You could win the lottery, be made redundant, or heaven forbid get divorced, what I am saying is that things can change considerably but if you would have regrets about not going ahead, you can't change that.

Then again you can't change having the baby later on either.

Sorry not much help...I do feel for you, I hope you make the right decision for you and are happy with it.

Oh and although it may not feel like it now, they get big and much more self sufficient so quickly!

"but the fact is I think I want to keep this baby because it is already there. That is the heart reason. And I don?t think he feels that."

Of course he doesn't feel that.

How could he? The pregnancy, the possibility of a new baby is real to you in a way it can't possibly be to him because you are pregnant.

He has a pregnant wife, so it's more abstract for him, easier to listen to the head rather than heart.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and the arrival of DC3 is still only a vague notion to my DH :o

He's being supportive though. Just because it's easier for him to heed all the practical arguments doesn't mean he won't be able to support you through thus pregnancy, if you choose to go ahead with it.

Best of luck to you all :)

Gah, the site went down again just as I was trying to post to say thank you to everyone who has replied since I last looked. I wasn't expecting so many nice, supportive replies. Thank you! It helps more than you can know.

I still don't know which way I'll turn but I am mindful of the fact that I can't predict the future; I can only work with what I know and feel now. If that makes sense!

I understand the dilemma. It is totally your decision. However, I do not know anyone who has had another child, planned or otherwise, and regretted it.

If that's the case, it would suggest that you either don't know many parents or the parents you know have been less than honest with you, greyvix.

I was in your position 3 years ago. We had a 9 month old DS and we accidently got pregnant (I was on the pill too). Our relationship was already very fragile (the one time we had sex in months and we got pregnant), I was about to be made redundant and I was just about getting over having PND- Ithink another baby would have just about finished off me, my marriage and family. It was a very tough decision and we talked it through alot but we opted to terminate, I say we because it was both myself and DH that reached the decision together. The day of the termination was awful, there were nun's praying and people holding banners outside the building that I had to go in. My DH dropped me off as he had to look after our DS, I was scared and alone. I opted for a GA and medical termination, the whole proceedure took about 15 mins, I felt ok afterwards but bled for a few weeks.
I don't regret the decision as it was the best thing for our family at the time. It's now exactly 3 years later myself and DH are much closer and happier, our jobs are stable, our DS is happy and settled and we are now expecting a baby next Jan.
The final decision is yours, it is a tough one but you need to think about the consequences of each option carefully and do what you think you can live with for the rest of your life. Hope eveything goes ok no matter what you decide.

Hi OP I just wanted to add a few things. Firstly I entirely understand the reasons that you and your DH decided not to have anymore children. I know that light at the end of the tunnel feeling and the thought that you can get back a little of your life before the DC arrived. It is not resentful or mean to feel like that because most couples can remember a time when it was just them and when the DCs arrive the life you once had bears little resemblance to one you have now. I also understand about private education which is in relative terms hugely expensive compared to the 70s and 80s when most comfortable Middle Class families could afford it. And I understand that you want the very best for the children you already have. I got a sense that your relationship had maybe hit a rocky patch that you had overcome and are now concerned that a new child and all the pressures that brings might take you back? Not sure if that's right but I get that feeling. I know of 2 friends who have been in similar situations one in her early forties with 2 DC who 'knew' she didn't want another child and is very happy with her decision. Another went ahead and had her baby at 40 and then over a few glasses of wine confessed that she sometimes regretted it as her older children felt disconnected from the smaller child and she was a teen mummie and baby mummie at the same time which was stressful and exhausting. There was also the added financial pressures and space in an already busy home. Whatever your decision it has to be the right one for the family you love and have at the moment and make sure that you and your husband are happy with the decision. My DH very often won't tell me how he really feels about something so sometimes I think he's happy about something but actually fuming inside. Hope it all works out for you.

Oh and Greyfix I know several parents who have confessed to regretting having a child. Obviously in private and not in front of the child but it's actually very common. Often parents feel like it's a taboo subject and understandably wouldn't confess that feeling casually iyswim.

I would imagine that if you have any doubts about a termination then that says it all. Its not something you can undo. We have three DCs and they all have to share a bedroom at the moment. Yes its hard, but its not impossible.

I don't envy you trying to make that decision though. Best of luck whatever you decide.

I would hate for my children to share a bedroom. Children need their own space, own identity and their own privacy (when older). If you don't have enough room I wouldn't inflict a cramped existence on them. 3 to one bedroom sounds like utter hell. Where on earth would you put all of their clothes, own books and toys for starters? I strongly believe that if you don't have a room, finances or space you shouldn't have the child to start with. My cousin has 5 children in a 3 bedroom house and as the children get older the fighting and resentment increases because they don't have any space of their own. A bad situation all round.

Seems your life experience is really affecting what you think children need......... as someone else said, its not material things that children need most, as long as they are fed clothed and housed. Please recognise how very privileged you are and how much you can choose to alter your "life plan"..... you can afford to keep this child if you want, if you don't want to compromise your lifestyle then don't.
But remind yourself you have choices, that puts you in a much more powerful position than most.. and than you currently seem think you are.