Unplanned pregnancy - terribly worried about effect on marriage and existing DC

[GoingMadInsideMyOwnHead]

A few weeks ago, DH and I got carelessly carried away. I am now 6 weeks pregnant. We already have 2 children and were definite about not wanting any more. My immediate reaction was tears, shock and an insistence that I would have to terminate. DH was more measured and wanted to think about things carefully. 2 weeks later and he is pretty clear that we should terminate if I can bring myself to do so (he is very clear that it is ultimately my decision). Meanwhile, I have come around to the opposite view. God help me, though, I can?t see that either decision can end happily for us as a couple.

We have so many ?head? reasons not to have another child: our age (late 30s); the young age and unrelenting demands placed on us by our 2 dc; our constant tiredness (DH particularly, as he is the type of person who needs more than 8 hours sleep per night); and the lifestyle choices we have already made in anticipation of having just two children.

DH gave up a very stressful and well-paid City job for something he enjoys more and that puts him under much less pressure but which pays considerably less well. He could ? and intends to - increase his hours by 20% but this was supposed to finance a house move at some point not another child. I recently gave up my job, with DH?s full support and encouragement, to do a post-grad in something else. The hope is that this post-grad will lead to a new career but it will be slow to evolve and is unlikely to be financially terribly rewarding at first (if at all). I love what I do now and feel very upset at the thought of having to jack it in to do something else. Also, now I am off the treadmill of my previous career, it would be hard to get back into it, unless perhaps at a much lower level. It would also mean a hefty commute.

Our current house is mortgage-free but really too small for 3 children. We both work from home so have to keep one room for a study. This means that 2 children would have to share a smallish room. I guess I don?t think this is the end of the world but DH thinks it?s pretty dire. We don?t want to move until we have got all 2 (3?) children into the very good local primary where our eldest has just got a place.

DH also worries a lot about not being able to afford private secondary education (we were both privately educated so he thinks our children should have the same opportunity), school trips, holidays and other treats. And then he wants to be able to help them with university costs and maybe with buying a house in years to come.

I absolutely see where he is coming from ? but the fact is I think I want to keep this baby because it is already there. That is the heart reason. And I don?t think he feels that. He has said that of course he would want and love the baby if we had it but, but....if we have it we both worry he will be stressed and tired, that neither of us will have time to do the things we are just starting to find time to do again, and that all the children will suffer possibly emotionally (due to tired, stressed parents) and certainly financially. And I am not sure how our marriage would weather this. We struggled a lot with the others and felt we were just emerging into the light.

But if we don?t have it, I am afraid I will feel guilty and bereft and perhaps end up looking for someone to blame.

I love my husband and children and want this to end well - preferably by waking up and finding it was all a dream .

Help help help! (And sorry for the epic post.)

I'm so scared of being like you op. my DH doesnt want more children ever but is very lax with contraception and point blank refuses the snip. I can't have any hormonal contraception yet as my period has not returned after last baby (still breastfeeding) so its condoms. I always ask him to get one and half the time he leaves it too late. I have had a termination years ago when I was young and I will blame him if I get pregnant again. It will destroy us because I will never forgive him. Or myself.

Goingtothepark - I feel for you but I do think you are the grown up here. Either you sort out contraception (it says here that mirena is a possibility) or you do not allow dh to have sex with you unless he is wearing a condom - discuss this beforehand so that it is not left too late (your dh sounds like a bit of a tool tbh). You aren't silly teenagers and you both know the consequences . Although the snip is a great solution if your dh does not want it then you are stuck. I would find it unacceptable for my dh to insist or expect I was sterilised. It is an utter, unfair, pain in the arse that contraception is so heavily weighted on the woman to sort out but that is the way it is

OP - I do hope you find a way to a decision you are at peace with soon. As others have said I would not let the financial reasons of private education sway your decision, there are some outstanding state schools available. I was privately educated and I will NEVER send my children down that route. I find the entitled attitude of many of the children and parents who are part of that system so vile that it has turned me off it for life. DH and I also want our children to have a strong sense of local community - having both missed it as neither of us went to school near to home.

I shared a bedroom with my brother and sister as a child.

It was fantastic, I loved it. Children don't need privacy, and they love company and someone to chat to at bedtime.

There was space in our house for us not to share - my parents chose to out us in together. I will probably do the same for my three eventually.

I'm not sure the ability to provide separate bedrooms immediately is a reason to have a termination you don't want.

We had a oopsie baby 4 years ago, already had 3 young children. For us termination was not an option. You will manage, just have to readjust. No way have my other children suffered.
By the way I was in my early 40's . You need to think how a termination will impact on you rather than if kids will cope sharing a room etc.
I wish you well

Sharing a room is nothing! I have more children and a house large enough to give each their own room but they love sharing. May change later but in your blessed financial position you can add a room in a few years anyway. Please don't consider space a 'con'.

I was in quite a similar situation to you 8 years ago. I fell pregnant with DC3 on the Mirena coil.

I had just convinced DH that I could leave our family business, which I hate, and start a new career, teaching. I had a contract for the graduate trainee scheme, which I was to start in the new academic year.

While I am absolutely pro-choice, a termination felt wrong under the circumstances. My DH didn't feel this as strongly, and it did cause problems for us. He felt resentful of our DS, and angry with me for, in effect, forcing my choice on him.

The upshot is that we got through it. I didn't get to become a teacher. It is more of a financial struggle with 3 DCs. We did have a difficult time in our marriage at we had to work through. But I would never regret having my lovely boy.

OP - I went through this not that long ago. Twice. We had a third when we only intended to have two, I couldn't bear the thought of aborting. However, I then fell again. With twins. All ours are in prep school, we both work full-time already and had just bought a house with my Mum. Having them would have meant a massive lifestyle change for all of us, and at nearly 80 - Mum could not have coped with it. Our kids would have 'suffered' in the same way as yours. Had these factors not have been there and it was only me that had to make the sacrifices I would do it 100 times over, but I HAD to consider those around me - including the twins.
Fortunately, I was only 9 weeks gone and it was relatively quick and painless. But I felt very sad afterwards for what might have been. I still do feel sad now sometimes, especially around when they might have been born and birthdays that might have been, and when my DS's say they wish they had a little sister .
But I know in my heart I did the right thing for everyone involved. It's not just about 1 person, it affects everyone. I would have probably jumped on the bandwagon of 'you'll find a way, kids don't care about sharing bedrooms, material things etc...', 'how could you' type insensitive comments. However, I suspect none of these people have TRULY been in your position. I changed an awful lot of my opinions and previous judgements because of it - you just don't know how you will react until you walk a day in those shoes. You will know what is the right thing to do for you and your family that are here, and either way there is going to be a little bit of 'forever' sadness at what might have been. That's just something that we have to suck up and deal with unfortunately.
Straight after going through that I made DH get the snip. Couldn't bear to go through it again (I am super fertile and my uterus seems to laugh in the face of contraception).
Good Luck in whatever you choose. Be strong.

I think you already know what your heart is telling you.

I think you sound in a very strong position to have another child actually - if this is what you both want. You have a "mortgage free" house, good jobs - could you move somewhere else and get a small mortgage to get another bedroom for this child?

I know private education is something people (esp on here!) tend to feel strongly about but having been through a few years of it myself it really isn't the be all and end all of everything ... I'd never put my dd through private education, even if I could afford it (and at one point I could, so it has been a definite choice for me). I don't think you can make a choice about having this baby based on private education - but (disclaimer!) that's my own opinion.

Age is again not an issue. I am 32 this year and I am having my second baby now... dd is nearly 9. Yes I am more knackered than I was when I was 23, but it's not the end of the world. They do sleep through eventually.

I think you need to separate practical issues with what you WANT. If you want this baby then you won't be able to comfort yourself with all the practical reasons why you terminated if you can only come up with private education, age and having a bedroom... Just a thought.

I hope things work out for you.

This part of your post:

He has said that of course he would want and love the baby if we had it but, but....if we have it we both worry he will be stressed and tired, that neither of us will have time to do the things we are just starting to find time to do again, and that all the children will suffer possibly emotionally (due to tired, stressed parents) and certainly financially. And I am not sure how our marriage would weather this. We struggled a lot with the others and felt we were just emerging into the light.

was EXACTLY how my DH felt when I got accidentally pg with our third.

Our situation was a little different as we both have strong anti-abortion beliefs - for ourselves I must stress - so we never considered termination. I did have DH's being down through all my pregnancy for the reasons above, though, which did piss me off, I must admit.

DS2 arrived, we all adored him from the word go, everything has been fine. I often say it was like winning the lottery without buying a ticket .

We needed another bedroom and managed to squeeze the tiniest one for DS2. We don't have as much money to go around as we did before - well we are not starving!

Have the other 2 DCs suffered emotionally? I don't think they have, although I know I worried that they might. They love DS2 so much and are so wonderful with him. Sometimes I get teary thinking "What if I HAD been careful???" It doesn't bear thinking about. We are so lucky.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

OP I was in the same position as you - not a good time to have a baby, but careless and pregnant, I was going to post last night And share in your dilemma. But woke up this morning and it's over and I just feel sad not relieved!

Thanks for the other messages. I wish we could buy a slightly bigger house but the problem is that they are few and far between within the catchment for this primary school. And we have to stay in catchment otherwise the sibling link does not work. Competition for primary places around here is horrendous right now.

Becksharp - I'm sorry for you; it's a hard way to learn how you actually feel about a pregnancy.

GoingToThePark - Can you not have one type of pill (the mini pill?) even though you're BFing? I was offered it after my DC1, even though my periods hadn't returned. But, really, though, as some of the others have said, it's your DH's attitude that is the real problem. and for you.

No closer to a decision but have had a lovely day in the sun (the sun! I thought it had emigrated....) with my DH and DCs.

Hi goingmadinsidemyownhead. I can't have pill due to blood pressure problems. I can't have coil until period ( my gps standard practice) and to be honest, I nearly died at Christmas having dd2 and am sick to death of being injected, prodded and medicated. I want to rest and breastfeed my baby and let my body settle without any artificial hormones for a bit. I would be happy to be sexless while I do this but he really isn't playing ball with that.

I'm just sick sick sick of it being my problem. We had a good chat yesterday (out for lunch no kids very rare) and he flat out told me I wouldn't get him into a hospital unless he was dying. So that's the vasectomy discussion over. To be honest he can go and stick his dick somewhere else until I can face more contraception seeing as he has so little empathy for what I have been through. I will then get the blame for the deterioration of our relationship due to sexless ness. Boo fucking hoo. I will not terminate another child or give birth to one!

Good luck with whatever you decide xxx

Just to add I think our issues are wider in terms of him passively not accepting responsibility for anything and me having my hand forced over everything just to achieve things. Like dd2. He didn't want another baby but I did. Now baby is here he loves her but won't do anything remotely like change his lifestyle to reaccomodate a small child. Dd1 is quite a bit older. Its always me who has to facilitate every thing and I'm purposely stubborn with this contraception thing as I'm now playing him at his own lazy little game. Let's see how big his balls get and if he manages to find them in order to save our relationship can you tell I'm not feeling the love

So what would be the positives to having another child? and to be honest I think you sound like you have your life pretty sorted right now without the added complications of a third. Just because you have doubts about a termination (lets face it who wouldn't?) doesn't mean it might not be the right thing to do in the long run.

Goingtothepark- can you get a diaphragm? Seriously your DP should not being having unprotected sex with you without your consent, feel really bad for you.

Op- if you are mortgage free can you not just mortgage the house to pay school fees?

I'm sorry OP for the situation you are in. I was there a few years ago. We had two, decided we were done, we're uncareful once and I was pregnant. I was gutted. I seriously considered a termination but knew I couldn't justify it to myself. So I had a 3rd child. And although he is wonderful and now two and things are getting a little easier again, I found it really tough and there have certainly been moments where i have wondered if I made the right decision.

It does have an effect on all the other family members, it does have a financial impact and the dynamics change. And yes, you will all manage, but it doesn't necessarily make you happier. In fact research show time and again that parent of more children are generally not happier. But you will also not resent the child if you keep it, because you will fall in love with it just like your other children.

I made the right decision for me, and only you know what is right for you and, unfortunately, neither decision is easy and part of you might always wonder what would have been if you made the other choice.

Sorry, I don't think I'm much help.

Could you get one of those garden offices and free up your study?

I had a late fourth child and actually it's worked out OK, on balance.

Practicalities can always be addressed. For example at times, my kids have shared rooms over the years and it's been the making of them - one thing some people do is give over the biggest bedroom and make it a kind of dormitory, then have another bedroom as a kind of retreat space for anyone who needs peace and quiet. In terms of studies, in our last house we bought a corner shed for £800, had it connected to the house for power and phone, and it worked brilliantly for us.

In terms of tiredness, our other ones are a fair bit older so they babysit in the morning at weekends, and so on. They also help run up and downstairs getting things for us, etc. But we do feel slightly decrepit. On the other hand, we felt decrepit when the others were little as well, and we were much younger then.

I think ultimately you need to do what you will be able to live with over the next 20 years. Ask yourself this question. If you won the lottery this week, even a smallish amount of money, what would your decision be? Would it change?