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Original poster

AIBU to find this really hard to get over

40 replies

sereneswan · 10/05/2012 17:02

DH and I recently had an argument (rare) over something absolutely tiny and he totally lost his temper (exremely rare), we ended up shouting at each other, I told him to f* off (as in go away until you can start being reasonable, nothing more) which made him lose his temper even more (understandable). However he then retaliated with something that, to me, feels game-changing. He told me to get out of the house because he pays the bills. The argument ended there because I left the room. He didn't follow with an apology but apologised when I returned half an hour later. I knew he didn't actually want me to leave the house, and he claims that he only said the other part to hurt me, but that doesn't make much difference to me. It changes my view of him that he can say something so offensive and hurtful (especially over something tiny) and I am genuinely struggling being with someone who can think and say such things. I also worry about him using the same weapon more seriously in the future. He earns 3 times what I do, we both pay the same proportion of our take-home towards all bills. This is absolutely out of character for him. He has never in 7 years spoken or behaved in any way that would suggest a viewpoint like this. He claims he doesn't think it. I think no one says things they don't think / believe to some extent. It's changed how I see him and I feel as if I've been really badly betrayed.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 10/05/2012 17:33

YANBU to feel the way you feel, you are entitled to feel them.

Personally, I would be hurt but get over it. My husband and I both have bad tempers and often say things to each other that we don't mean.

Darkling · 10/05/2012 17:33

I think yopu are overreacting a bit, I know I have said things in anger that I didn't mean, not even a little bit. You were both angry and said things you regret, he has apologised so I would try to move on.

DPrince · 10/05/2012 17:50

I think your over reacting. I know I have told dh to fuck off many years ago, he took it to mean 'get out' and was really hurt. Maybe he thought you had told him to fuck off as in get out and was retaliating with what essentially 'you fuck off and get out'.
You both said something hurtful or perceived as hurtful. This why dh don't argue anymore. We take time out and cool off, we split for 6 months because of things like this so this helps us organise what se want to say without the anger. Its worked for the last 3 years.

DPrince · 10/05/2012 17:51

I should say dh and I rarely argue. It does take practice. :)

gafhyb · 10/05/2012 17:55

I would want to talk about this more, as I, like you, think people don't say things they don't believe. Or at least, they don't lash out like that in an uncharacteristic way, if there's not something else bothering them.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/05/2012 17:56

YANBU... he said what he meant. If he thinks he pays the bills you're relegated to some kind of kept woman... a sponger. Not a nice thing to discover

gafhyb · 10/05/2012 17:59

..or he might be worried about money for some reason, feeling pressurised at work. I'd ask about that

AllPastYears · 10/05/2012 18:04

If my partner had told me to F Off, I'd probably react the same as your DH.

MsKittyFane · 10/05/2012 18:10

You told your DH to 'F off', he would have taken that as meaning F off.
So he replied with with something which could be taken as 'no, you get out' he added 'because I pay the bills' to up your game.

It's a bit like this:
Person A 'I hate you'
Person B 'well I hate you with knobs on'
Person A can't then cry because person B has been twice as nasty.

MsKittyFane · 10/05/2012 18:11

As Allpastyears says too.

RevoltingPeasant · 10/05/2012 18:12

OP I will go against the tide here Sad I pay the lion's share of our rent (65/70% ish) and I would never ever under any circumstances throw that in DP's face. We had a humdinger of an argument last week over a really central issue but it never once occurred to me to tell him to get out because I am funding us. Because that kind of thought never crosses my mind, even if we did split up (we won't).

Sorry, but I don't actually believe that people say things that they have never thought before. Just like, no matter how sleep-deprived you were, you would never say to your DC 'I am going to stab you with a kitchen knife if you don't go to bed'. It just wouldn't occur.

AnyoneforTurps · 10/05/2012 18:13

It sounds as if you were both at the point in an argument where all reason has gone to the wall and you're just trying to say the most hurtful thing possible. He said what he did because he knew it would upset you but - in fairness - it does sound as if it was 6 of one, half-a-dozen of the other.

So YANBU to feel hurt but - as it was said in the context of a blazing row - I think you need to forgive him & move on.

gafhyb · 10/05/2012 18:14

... MrsKF - am seeing your POV.

"I pay the bills" is crass though. My dad used to say it to me.

RevoltingPeasant · 10/05/2012 18:15

But Turps there are just some things you don't say, don't you think? Like you would never just scream at your partner 'And you're shit in bed' if that had never been an issue? I dunno, I think it must have been somewhere in the back of his mind for that to come out. Otherwise, why would he just think of it?

MsKittyFane · 10/05/2012 18:17

gaf it's said to regain control/ the upper hand! Not nice but then OP wasn't nice!

bigjoeent · 10/05/2012 18:18

You've said in your OP its out of character, I'd give him a break. You were both arguing and I'd react badly to be told to FO, so its understandable for him to retaliate. Although he didn't apologise straight away he did when you came back in. Have you tried to explain how you feel about this?

gafhyb · 10/05/2012 18:18

Revolting - I tend to agree with you but wonder if some people do do just that that, and some don't (I don't)? Actually, I think saying something you don't believe just to be hurtful is really childish. It can't be unsaid.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/05/2012 18:25

It's not just a random statement is it? 'I pay all the bills'. Most people reacting to a 'fuck off' would just repeat it back with a few embellishments. 'Fuck off yourself'. 'I pay all the bills' has been lurking in his subconscious.

RevoltingPeasant · 10/05/2012 18:25

gaf - maybe. tbh my father was always saying horrible things like this when I was growing up and I remember all of them, so I am super-aware that when something has been said it can be forgiven but not forgotten.

OP I would have a chat with him and explain this, possibly show him this thread? - and say how very much it has affected you. His response should help you to judge how far there is a bigger issue there.

cuttingpicassostoenails · 10/05/2012 18:27

Ah yes, I have one of those tongues (inherited from my dear mama) and have said terrible things to OH in my determination to 'win' the argument and shut him up. In the short term it works and gives a terrible sense of victory. In the long term it is so very destructive to the relationship.

It was only after he sat me down and explained how awful my "fuck off then you bastard" type of comments made him feel that I actually realised what I was doing to the person I loved.

These things were always said in the white hot heat of the moment and always regretted but once said the apologies ring a bit hollow and the hurt lasts much longer than the feeling of victory.

I have learned to control my tongue as I have no intention of turning into my mother.

AgentZigzag · 10/05/2012 18:30

If he's never said anything like this in 7 years so why on earth would you condemn the poor bloke on one remark when you were both angry?

He's explained he was just trying to hurt you, just as you were doing when you told him to fuck off.

Stop punishing him about it, unless you want to cut off your nose to spite your face?

Annunziata · 10/05/2012 18:30

Was your argument about money to begin with? It seems very strange that he would bring it up out of the blue.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/05/2012 18:31

If my husband said that to me, I'd be gone. By the next afternoon when he got home from work, the children and I would be gone. I could forgive lots of things, but that wouldn't be one of them. Admittedly, for lots of reasons which won't apply to you and your husband because you're not us iyswim, but I couldn't forgive him.

MNHQ
OliviaLMumsnet · 10/05/2012 18:37

Hi there
We have moved this thread to relationships
Thanks
M Towers

Twiggy71 · 10/05/2012 18:45

It has been something he's thought about before I think and he has said it to hurt you. The problem is that once things have been said you can't press a remind button and take them back. And you won't be able to forget what has been said but its up to you if you forgive him or not...