Is it possible to hide an entire topic? If so how?

[boredandrestless]

There are some fab posters in this section who repeatedly help posters in terrible relationships, and support them in their situation. I have been supported in this way myself and because of this I find I am drawn to threads that are similar to what I went through.

Unfortunately I am not as patient or understanding as some posters, and reading of people staying in abusive relationships, which their dcs are also living with, is too much for me too read. I have been the kid as well as the adult living in an abusive household.

I have hidden a couple of threads this week that I had initially posted on, as I don't want to be harsh and unsupportive now I have seen they are still muddling along putting their dcs as well as themselves at risk.

I have been that woman and know how hard it is but the thing is I have been that kid too and find it all too emotional and frustrating so I need to step away I think.

The posters who are endlessly patient and full of support and advice on the relationships boards- thank you. You have been there for me in the past and what you do is wonderful. I had hoped I could do the same but I just can't, I'm not patient enough!

So..... anyone know if I can hide a full topic??

In the customise talk section down the bottom there is an option to hide topics from active conversations.

Thanks kaluki I will have a look ......

I have no idea but can I just say how brave and honest you are.

How impressive, truly.

I agree that some people do this, although not all, and all of us tend towards it sometimes!

In a way fiventhree it is my honesty that is getting in the way. I want be blunt and show my impatience and I know that wouldn't help anyone. I'm not sure I'm impressive but thank you for your kind words.

Like I say I have been that powerless child stuck in an abusive household, I can't put into words how horrid it is to live constantly with that constant low level of fear and anxiety. It's something I still struggle with as an adult.

What you aretlking about is the single most troubling part ofthis topic for me.

I dont feel sympathy for someone dithering about leaving when there are children involved. I really dont care how hard they find it, how much they want their relationship to get better etc...

A child cannot leave an abusive household, they are powerless and are being subjected to abuse bu both parents.

Solease dont feel like an ogre for feeling this way, i think there are plenty of us who do.

It is, ofcourse, rarelyworthsayinganythingalong these lines on the threads it wouldsimply become a bun fight and detract from the op, so i just hope that the nicey, nicey, super-supportive tactic that others are very good at is the correct one. Im not actually convinced it is though, but im certainly not convinced of my own harsher opinions being of any more use so tend to keep out of it.

(sorry, space button buggered)

I think people who have suffered it and left have a different perspective and feel more strongly that leaving is the right way.
People who still endure abuse often are stuck in the cycle and can be very tolerant of those who stay, also because they have to justify themselves.
People who haven't been through it may possibly be more optimistic.

In your case, do you feel that you could empathise with the pps in how you (may have) struggled to leave and what helped you leave the relationship in the end?
As you know, people stuck in an abusive rut are often incapable of seeing a way out. Otherwise they wouldn't be there.

Because people who have been through the same may be able to reach people in abusive relationships better than those who haven't.

I sometimes blurt out stuff, if I see something truly shocking or awful. I think it can go two ways: it can be a wakeup call that everyone else sees something as abusive/scarey/unacceptable, or it can drive the person away as they feel judged. Perhaps both at the same time.

It's a shame that you don't feel you can post given your experience, perhaps sharing your experience is sometimes more valuable than shouting 'what are you doing, are you crazy?' But really, I think there's a time for bluntness and sometimes I am glad when a poster comes along and challenges the OP, or raises issues of child protection, it's just necessary. They usually follow up with great advice, though, and sources of help. Not everyone is at the stage to seek help, but I'm sure lots of people are helped by this.

I regret staying in an abusive relationship as long as I did and wish I had someone that had been a bit harsher with me. I live daily with the guilt of what it put the kids through.

Now when my kids talk to others about their childhood with their abusive father it's very distressing and embarrassing but I know that's down to me staying for too long.

I can only see the horror of what really happened now I have been away long enough to see normality.

The only compensation I have been able to offer my kids is staying single and providing a safe and happy-as-possible environment for them, and thank God they are turning out ok.

I do usually post and often share my experiences, as I said I find I am drawn to these kinds of threads. However I find it hard to stay along on the thread when the op letting the situation continue. I can't continue being sympathetic and supportive IYSWIM. I think it would be best if I didn't post at all.

For me as an adult in this situation, I didn't want my child to be living with two parents in a abusive relationship. I was told he was abusive (on here). I made plans to leave. I did it for my child. We are both much happier for doing so.

There are lots of fab posters in this section, and I feel there is a good mix of methods used.

Notoriginal - that's so honest of you. I'm glad your dcs and you are now safe and happy. I have been single 3 years now. I have no desire to repeat an unhealthy pattern. I have no desire for DS to grow up and repeat the same unhealthy pattern. It's hard being a parent and we all try to do the best we can I guess.

I found it very hard when I had my own child. It made me reassess my childhood all over again. The decisions my parents had made, the way I was brought up. When you feel that maternal love towards your own child you cannot imagine why your own mother couldn't feel and act the same way.

I can empathise with you entirely. However I do disagree slightly -

We are abused children talking. We are the face of their choices. The voice of the children that can't speak up. It is important to hear your pov. Sometimes focussed anger can drive the point home. It is not 'you are a shit person to be doing this' but 'he is a shit person to be doing this, it unfair but you have to take responsibility for protecting your children'. I may well come across as angry, too blunt, insensitive - what is speaking are the feelings of their children in 20 years time. I firmly believe that. I think you provide valuable insight. Sometimes patience and support goes so far to passivity it is enabling. Some righteous anger can pull focus back to the important things.

I wonder - is it all a bit too much right now? Is it stirring things up a bit? I only ponder because there are times when wounds are too fresh to take any tension without opening up again. Some scabs always get ripped off when I am seeing fear paralyse women and feel like the crazy screaming and banging on the glass that they can't hear - run awaaaaay!!! my scabs are weeny but sometimes I do feel a prickle where I didn't think there'd be one. Mine aren't recent either. Dunno? Just typing out loud really...wait..you know what I mean.

Yes I think it does stir up my feelings about my own past NicNoc, I completely get what you mean on that one. I have made my peace with my childhood now more or less, but posting on threads giving my advice and personal experiences, is as you say, a little like picking at old faded wounds.

Maybe I am trying to preserve my own emotional self rather than thinking of stepping away for the OP's sake on these type of threads.

Glad I posted this thread as it is helping me think through my motivations and responses to threads dealing with abusive relationships.

I think it helps actually on a thread to get a few blunt messages, along the lines of 'wake up' etc. If they are all blunt I don?t think it helps the poster. I haven?t read your posts elsewhere.

I think that is not just threads such as the sort you mention, but any kind of thread where people can see fairly clearly what is going on and the poster does not. For example, I read alot of threads about infidelity, because I suffered from it last year. Sometimes it is clear that the man is cheating, and the poster is in denial about it.

In those cases, I think it is fine to say what you think is happening, and to point out the implications for her and for others.

However, I do think it can help to remember how practically any kind of counselling would work. It works by pulling people, not pushing, and by getting them to see a situation for themselves. Also, it?s interesting to note how many people come back later and say, ' I was in denial, you were right, and now I have taken action'.

I had a post which is now deleted where I was in that position, denying the obvious. It was the patient explainers who helped me along, even though some of the realisation came later, and not the ones who got fed up and said, effectively, why bother to post at all if you don?t take the advice. I think that is an arrogant position, and it puts people backs up, and actually makes them feel worse about themselves.

It isn?t what is said but how it is said, often. I think that some of the most blunt and regular posters are careful to avoid upsetting people, and just focus on a plain analysis of the situation as they see it.

Can I just say (not to defend my choices in any way), but I also lived with abuse right through my childhood, which is possibly why it took me so long to realise how abusive my marriage was.

When my EXH turned violent, that's when I got out, and it was in the couple of years after the separation that the worst of the hell happened. What I regret is not getting the restraining order.

I can totally relate to how hard it must be to read.

I see no harm in having a mixture of coaxing and blunt on threads where the OP is in an abusive relationship. I figure that the OP will take from the responses she receives whatever it is that she is willing to take in.

You could always just not read them? easy enough - surely.

I get you, OP

sometimes my sheer frustration at someone just not getting it makes me too harsh

maybe take a wee break and come back to these topics, it sounds like your experiences would be of great benefit to others

but not at your own cost, and it is important to remember that x

Well, look, you could always hide it for now and un-hide it later if you changed your mind or felt better able to post.

I think it is good to have a variety of different "voices" on threads - different people respond to different things after all.

If it's worrying you or stressing you out then definitely hide it. That's the good thing about mumsnet - it's so busy that if you don't feel up to supporting someone/talking someone through something, someone else will. You can always pick it back up later, if you want to. Or not - there will always be someone to offer advice, of the harsh kind and of the gentle kind :) You'd be a welcome addition to the "Leave-the-bastard crew" if you ever felt you wanted to come back

I'm all for the 'leave the bastard crew' as Bertie puts it when it comes to abusive relationships.

But I find it very painful when posters start really haranguing an OP, even though I appreciate people want her to see the light and get out of the relationship.

I can't see how it is helpful when OP is bombarded with derisive comments or when posters talk over her head saying 'why bother? she's not listening/she'll never leave/never protect her children' - when OP has often not even come to terms with the fact she is in an abusive relationship. It can become a long and sustained attack on OP and is surely counterproductive.

(NB I think one of the problems is simply that a thread can move very fast, so many posters are saying the same things at the same time and that can make it feel more of a group attack.)

And OP while you are being searingly honest about your lack of patient - that doesn't excuse you! I do find it a bit rich that you don't have the patience to help those in the way you were helped.

patience

It is hard to help someone in denial who then turns round and takes it out on you.

I agree it's difficult to pass on your experience and wisdom when it is attacked just because the op isn't ready to admit what is happening.

I'm not willing to baby someone who is putting others at risk just because they don't want that responsibility. But when they are harming others, vulnerable children, it is their responsibility.

But I'm a nasty harsh bitch.

I am going to not read or posts on such threads for a while - that's exactly why I started this thread, to find out how I can hide the topic. As I only 'find' posts through active convos, the way I have been advised to customise will work just as I'm needing it to.

I agree that often the huge amount of responses in such a short time can be overwhelming to an OP and can seem like haranguing, or a lot of pressure. I've seen threads like that and although it's fab to see everyone piling on with support it definitely must be overwhelming to the OP.

Yes, I am a perhaps 'a bit rich' to not have the patience to help others in the same way I was helped. However that is perhaps because my journey on here was shorter than the kinds of threads I find I have to step away from. I am not impatient with all people posting who are in an abusive relationship, however as I have already said, I find it frustrating and upsetting when a parent in an abusive relationship knowingly stays and keeps her dcs in such an environment.

I am simply human. The specific issue/situation I have spelled out upsets me because of my own childhood experiences so I am stepping away from such threads.

Firstly - Meg, shut up.

Secondly - Proudnscary - why should she? Seriously why should she deplete herself to help others that throw painfully researched advice back in her face? I have not seen many threads where the repeat posts are 'you are a stupid git and a terrible mother' I have seen posts where after the OP has been held by many hands after the initial realisation and it has sunk in, then rejects the practical help, using it instead as a reason to knowingly put their child in harms way. I've seen a lot of being a martyr - I'm sorry but you do have a greater priority than yourself when you have children to consider. The children are never made safe to allow that person to come to terms with things and ponder...and think...and panic...and baulk..and. All that time being actively traumatised and damaged. That is not ok. Many, many, many posters give links, numbers, contact info of lots of people that can help in a very, very immediate and real way. That is for a reason. Kids can't leave.

Also I didn't realise help was given for a fee? If so I've got some cash to go and collect. You give your advice, thoughts or opinions here freely and for your own reasons - not for reciprocation. That certainly isn't how life works - why should MN?? You have to go round helping everyone now boredandrestless to pay off your accrued 'help' debt. Or you can take the 'equal number of responses in 30 days' payment option. But they must only be helpful though.

By the way AnyFucker - Here's a fiver, I owe you more than that but I apparently have some debts to collect so will make it up to you.

Yeah, NicNoc is right. Please, please don't feel in any way indebted. If you received help on here then that's great - it does NOT mean you have to give anything back!

Ok I've annoyed you by saying 'a bit rich', sorry. Let me rephrase - you have lots of valuable experience and advice to share and it would be great for you to help others as you were helped. But of course you don't have to do that.

I don't think you did start this topic to ask how to hide topics though (you could have done that by asking MNQH/site stuff or PM-ing someone). You came on here to make a separate point about your frustrations with certain OPs who are not perhaps protecting their children. And to say, unlike some, you made a quick decision to leave. That's fine but why not be honest about it?