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Original poster

One year on from affair discovery - feeling a bit lost

34 replies

toomanyeasterbunnies · 09/05/2012 17:40

It's just over a year since I discovered my H's infidelity. We are trying to mend our marriage and on the whole we are getting there. My H is very remorseful about all the hurt he has caused. He has been very supportive during my darkest days and really wants to make amends. I have also been feeling much more positive about things and feel like I am closer to forgiveness.

However, over the past few days I've just been feeling very down. I think the biggest thing bugging me is.....oh this sounds awful....is I don't know if I love him any more. Even those words are making me feel sick and upset. It's just that some of the qualities that I loved about him - where shattered during the course of his affair. He's no longer the honest, loyal, steadfast, family orientated man I thought I knew. I think what has made it worse is attending a wedding last week where the bride and groom looked so happy. It made my heart break. We will have been married 10 years this year and although he says he loves me I'm not sure if I can actually get over what he has done.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I suppose - is it normal to feel this unsettled after a year? Also, how did you reconcile what your partner did and finally forgive?

OP posts:
Original poster
toomanyeasterbunnies · 09/05/2012 17:42

Ps. Thank you to all the advice I received from everyone during the first couple of months when I discovered the affair. I think I would have gone insane without it.

OP posts:
BelieveInPink · 09/05/2012 18:33

I don't have any advice re the affair, but I do know what it's like to have to forgive something terrible. I also questioned whether I loved him any more, because he had destroyed everything and it affected me for a long long time.

The only thing I can say is it takes time. Far longer than a year. :( I didn't love (or think I loved) him, respect him, like him for, I think, a good 3 years. Then one day I realised that he was different, he had proved himself and I couldn't hate/punish him forever. There had to come a day where I forgave him. I have never, ever forgotten what he did, but I did forgive him.

I'm sorry there's no simple switch, I do feel for you.

Original poster
toomanyeasterbunnies · 09/05/2012 18:45

Thank you Believeinpink. I think I've just wanted us to work so much that I've buried my feelings towards him until recently. Like you, I'm having troubles thinking how I can love, like and respect someone whose hurt me so much. That makes me so desperately sad. I really want to get past those feelings but what happens if I can't? :(

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 09/05/2012 19:12

I think for some betrayed spouses, they never get past these feelings and decide to end the marriage - they shouldn't feel guilty, after all it was their cheating spouse who broke their wedding vows.

This is why I feel strongly about the importance of rebuilding your life and finding ways of boosting one's self esteem - so that should things go tits up, they are in a stronger position.

I do get what you are saying - my H is aware that I do love him but I can't guarantee that I won't turn round one day and say I can't do it any more. That's the price he is having to pay for wrecking our marriage Sad its shit isn't it Sad

RightFedUp · 09/05/2012 19:29

I think you need to want to build a new relationship as you can never have the old one back. I think you need to speak to him about your feelings. It's not something you should try to 'get past' on your own. If you feel you can't speak to him, I would question whether you have built a successful new relationship, learning from past mistakes like not being completely open with each other.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2012 19:31

I'd say what you're feeling is totally normal and valid. Some people chuck the cheats out Day #1 others go into panic 'save my marriage mode' and take a while to realise they've made a big mistake allowing them back into their lives. No point trying to love the person you thought he was. No point hoping the past will get wiped. You have to judge whether it's worth it based on harsh reality.

It is sad.

LimitedAppeal · 09/05/2012 19:35

what happened to WWIFN? Where is she when an op needs her wisdom? Sad

LimitedAppeal · 09/05/2012 19:38

OP, I wonder if there is any mileage in you actually going to your local Church? Even if you don't believe in him upstairs or have any other belief, being in a Church or speaking to a local priest can somehow give you solace, strength and perspective. Forgiveness is truly a gift. But not being able to forgive is also very very human.

I do not mean to sound poncy in any way at all. When I had a devastating experience many years ago and yes a --boss- man was involved, I sat in Church a few times and it helped me sort out a lot of feelings. And gave me some respect.

LimitedAppeal · 09/05/2012 19:40

boss bastard whatever

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2012 19:42

I think you'll find that forgiveness is divine. If god wants to forgive the OP's husband for shagging around that's his business. If the OP's suddenly realised he's pissed her right off and she can't stand the sight of him any more... that's hers.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 19:44

hello, love

remember this: you are allowed to change your mind any time you like

LA that is a very long story Sad

LimitedAppeal · 09/05/2012 19:47

One more thing (but this only really applies if you are sure your H is genuinely remorseful and is genuinely doing his best to be a genuine good man - so many wives on here are repeatedly betrayed etc) ...i would say that one of the hardest things, is actually allowing yourself to forgive.

You have to give yourself permission to forgive....and not only him, but also this big bad cruel (sometimes) fantastic world we all inhabit. You obviously want to get over/forgive his infidelity. But it's hard to convince your own self/family/friends etc that he is really worth that risk.

Also, another thing I did once, was (and this sounds stupid I know) was create a couple of anniversaries with me and an ex, where I was allowed to acknowledge the hurt and he did too. So we had the 'day I found out' date for a few years. We went for a meal together and he let me talk about it. And he was loving.

There was the 'day we got back together date' (concocted a little as it was over a period of a few months) and we also had a special small little 'marker' that day.

In the end I said let's not bother with them anymore. But those dates really helped me at the time. And it meant I could forgive but not ever forget.

Which he understood.

LimitedAppeal · 09/05/2012 19:50

eh? which story was long?

AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 19:51

what happened to wwifn is a long story, and an unpleasant one

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2012 19:52

Permission to forgive?? Hmm Permission to kick your self-respect into the long grass along with any shred of dignity you have left, you mean. The OP doesn't have to convince herself of anything.

LimitedAppeal · 09/05/2012 19:53

Cogito you put it a lot more succinctly than me but the message is the same. i just think the OP sounds as though she's really trying to find a way.

Of course, if she cant forgive her shagging H then that is entirely her call. I agree. And if he does it again (leopard/spots etc) then i am pissing in the wind anyway. I was just trying to be nice instead of weighing in like a bulldog on crack like i usually do.

As you were.
Blush

RightFedUp · 09/05/2012 19:54

I think forgiveness comes by itself. You just know when you're ready (if ever). It's nothing to do with condoning the action or even being ok with it. I chased it for a long time but it just turned up one day when I realised my DH had done everything humanly possible to face up to his actions - the causes and the consequences. He could do no more. Also, we had a huge family incident/problem that he dealt with in a way that made me realise the changes were genuine and our relationship was actually better than before. I understood that it is possible to do something awful and be truely sorry and move heaven and earth to sort it out. He has done all those things and forgiveness just happened. It was such a relief. But it's like Shakespeare says about mercy (paraphrasing) it's not 'strained' and it certainly blesses those who give as well as those who receive.

LimitedAppeal · 09/05/2012 19:55

Cogito I refer your honourableness to my post above.

Original poster
toomanyeasterbunnies · 09/05/2012 19:55

Thank you for all your replies. Madabout my H is aware that there are no guarantees but what is confusing to me is that I do want things to work out but I really don't know how I can honestly say I love him when he treated me like dirt. I think rightfedup is right we need to build a new relationship and I don't think we have. :( We started to - but day to day life has got in the way and I can see things starting to get like they were before he had the affair. I will speak to him about it but I am dreading it as I don't want him to interpret it into "I want to leave you" as that's not what I mean. I don't really know what I mean. :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 19:57

what do you mean by "things are getting like they were before the affair" ?

LimitedAppeal · 09/05/2012 19:57

Yes that is what I was getting at too Right For a literary genius I really am piss-poor at explaining myself.

AF what happened to Normal? PM me. I am always the last to know anything. Sad

Charbon · 09/05/2012 19:59

I said on a thread the other day that I know lots of people who've built successful relationships after affairs and that sometimes the prophets of doom about affair recovery post because of their own negative experiences and because when it happened to them, they didn't have much choice about whether to end the relationship because the options for them were starkly obvious i.e. the faithless partner wouldn't break contact with the other woman or admit/end the affair.

Your feelings are very understandable and most people say it takes more than a couple of years to know whether the relationship is worth saving.

What has your husband actually done to address his character failings? Because this wasn't an isolated or discrete act; there were pre-existent attitudes and behaviours that allowed him to feel entitled to an affair.

Has he had any solo therapy? What has he read?

Does he come to you and start a discussion about how you're feeling?

Does he volunteer any fresh insights into his behaviour?

What's changed in day-to-day life? Has he changed job (if that was a factor either in the affair or his lifestyle i.e. working away from home)?

It's an absolute given that he was selfish - so what does he do differently? Does he give more of himself to your relationship and to the children?

Does he pull his weight around the house?

Does he feel your sadness and does it trouble him enough that he wants to take it away?

Does he nurture you and encourage you to build a new life and realise aspirations that may have been put on hold while you were taking care of hearth and home?

Sometimes feeling a lack of love is a response to knowing instinctively that you are not loved enough in return. I'm therefore wondering whether it's not so much the affair and all the behaviour that went with it that is causing this crisis, but that you've suddenly realised that he still doesn't really get this and still doesn't love you as you deserve and need to be loved.

Abitwobblynow · 09/05/2012 19:59

What Choc says:

my H is aware that I do love him but I can't guarantee that I won't turn round one day and say I can't do it any more. That's the price he is having to pay for wrecking our marriage its shit isn't it

is it in a f in nutshell.

One year is WAY too soon. But the reality is, he threw his marriage, his bond and you - away. He didn't think he was, but he did.

I really understand what you felt about the wedding (so very, very :( ) See, that is the other thing they trampled underfoot in their rush to OW. Was that beautiful, joyous day full of hope and commitment and promise (my H STILL won't accept that is what he did).
So whereas before I would cry with happiness at all that is communally wonderful about a wedding, now I am a bit [of a ] cynical old bitch.

Just know that one year is way too soon. I am one of those obsessive people who wants to know eeeeeeeeeeverything about that time (in order to try and work out the sad old question WHY?)

How open and how much he gets your pain? I think is the ultimate key. There is a wonderful counsellor called Linda J Macdonald. Google her: she gives some hard hard hitting advice to the person who thought his dick and ego trumped everyting wrecked the marriage. To whit: 'you HAVE to get it (what you have done). You not only hurt your wife, you hurt who you are as an upright, honourable human being'.

She don't pull punches. If he can take it, he's a keeper. If he can't....

LimitedAppeal · 09/05/2012 19:59

What do you mean by 'before'the affair? (has sinking feeling)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2012 20:02

You loved him when you thought you were going to lose him. Common knee-jerk reaction to change is to cling to the familiar. Now things have been 'safe' for a while and there's no threat, no fear, you can think about him far more clearly. If you don't like what you see, that's not a reflection on you. If he interprets the problem as 'I'm leaving' and that bothers him... then he'll have a little taste of what he put you through a year ago. All's fair...

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