One year on from affair discovery - feeling a bit lost

[toomanyeasterbunnies]

It's just over a year since I discovered my H's infidelity. We are trying to mend our marriage and on the whole we are getting there. My H is very remorseful about all the hurt he has caused. He has been very supportive during my darkest days and really wants to make amends. I have also been feeling much more positive about things and feel like I am closer to forgiveness.

However, over the past few days I've just been feeling very down. I think the biggest thing bugging me is.....oh this sounds awful....is I don't know if I love him any more. Even those words are making me feel sick and upset. It's just that some of the qualities that I loved about him - where shattered during the course of his affair. He's no longer the honest, loyal, steadfast, family orientated man I thought I knew. I think what has made it worse is attending a wedding last week where the bride and groom looked so happy. It made my heart break. We will have been married 10 years this year and although he says he loves me I'm not sure if I can actually get over what he has done.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I suppose - is it normal to feel this unsettled after a year? Also, how did you reconcile what your partner did and finally forgive?

pm'ed you, LA

And, Bunny? Charbon asks all the killer questions. All of them.

Without those questions being answered (read them very carefully, and take them on the chin, that takes courage), you have nothing. Really.

IF you have a career, and no children, and have answered honestly and truthfully, then you can act. If you don't and do (career, children), it gets a bit more complicated and you have to set your goals a bit more long term.

But the pain of Charbon's questions [answer HONESTLY!] REALLY ARE the key to your future happiness.

Sadly for me, most of my answers are 'no'. But that means I start building my life, as though he were not in it.

I miss wwifn :( she really helped me

toomany anniversaries are an awful thing aren't they? we seem to use them to punish ourselves. i was the same at various anniversary points and even the other night a memory popped into my head that upset me over 2.5 years later. i still have days when i hate him and can't believe what he did.

Give yourself some time and permission to feel.

You said you both didn't start again, treating the marriage as if it was a new one because of lack of time etc.

It sounds like things were swept under the carpet and things continued as before the affair.

It is really important that your H is investing time and energy into the marriage and also into changing himself.

The reason why I love my H is because he is the man I knew when we first married - before he became a selfish entitled twat and people now comment on what a changed person he seems to be so not only is he a better husband, hopefully he is a better colleague and friend.

Yes, those are the questions, for sure.

For me the answers are not as much as I would like to the first two questions, no to the third, mainly yes to the next, and definite yes to the rest.

So we are still working on it, but it is only 6 months on.

I think a year should show what the future pattern is likely to be, though.

Thank you for posting this toomany.

I feel exactly the same, its coming upto the 1st year for me too. I was too scared to post as I feel as if I'm saying the same thing over and over, and really what can anyone here do..but I'll now read the complete thread and listen to the wise and wonderful

Rightfedup - I think I have felt close to forgiveness but can't quite do it. Perhaps it is too early. (I hope so)

Any - I mean H is working extremely hard and is very stressed out. (He's been working night and day shifts so has very little sleep) as a result he's helping less around the house - so I'm knackered. So I suppose we are both a little bit snappy with each other. I'm being over sensitive to his moods as I now associate any moodiness with the feelings I had around the time of his affair. It reminds me of how he was with me when he was seeing OW. I think we need to start communicating better again.

Charbon - He really has made a massive effort. He would do anything to take the pain away. He wants to know what I'm feeling but it's me that doesn't like opening up. We went to counselling together and he now realises that he can be quite manipulative without meaning to be. He is an open book. He will turn on GPS tagging on his phone so I know where he is. He has changed. He has been much better helping around the house and looking after the DC's. He's been doing loads of DIY - as he know it's jobs that I've been wanting him to do for ages. He's arrange "dates" and has been very thoughtful.

Madabout - I think you've hit the nail on the head. We did start out treating our relationship as new but I know that perhaps we haven't done this recently. I think this is both our mistake. We know each other is stressed out and tired so don't want to perhaps open up in case it's misconstrued.

trustallgone - I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling like this. One year on I feel like things should be "normal".

I miss WWIFN too. She was a massive help when I found out.

Op pm'd you

But 'normal' is different now. And hopefully better?
You are having to learn a whole new way of being together which will involve unlearning old habits - this is very hard. It takes effort and it's easy to slide back into old habits. Take time to pause and talk and get yourselves back on track. You may need to do this a few times along the way.
Personally, I hope we are always thinking about ourselves, each other and our marriage consciously - and that our relationship as a couple is like an extra thing as well as our existence as individual people. A bit blurrily expressed sorry.