DH's financial control is becoming unbearable.

[Voidka]

DH and I had a massive row last night and I dont know how much more I can take.

Firstly both DH and I have separate bank and savings accounts and a joint credit card where all of our expenditure goes, and a joint DD account. We both have mortgages (mine is on our rental property, DH's is our home). DH wants to be mortgage free within the next 5 years but he is becoming fanatical about it to the point of suffocation.

Last night DH confronts me. He has highlighted loads of different things I have spent on the CC. This all kicked off because a book arrived for DS1 yesterday (which he is about to study at school and wanted to read first, and cost me a penny on amazon + delivery). My other crimes included £4 in Matalan buying wellies for DD and £2 in Wilkinson on a new mixing bowl.

I cant go on like this. We have three children that need things. I am not an extravagant person by any means. It causes so much friction in the house. We are not in any debt.

He has ruined days by being a miser. For example we went to the seaside over easter and DD wanted a ride on a donkey. I said that was okay and he went off in a massive huff and we lost him for 30 minutes because he didnt come back. He went mental when I let the boys have a pounds worth of 2p's to go on the penny arcade.

We have our family holiday coming up in 4 weeks and I am dreading how he will be. I honestly dont think I can go on.

It ended last night with me trying to explain that as a family we have to have some expenditure and him getting in such a huff about my so called 'living the high life' that he slept in the spare room.

Voidka, fair enough it may be as a result of his childhood/parents - don't know the details except what you have told us. However, I would say he's using it as an excuse to shut you up. If his parents were tight, restrictive, poor, controlling, then he knows EXACTLY what it's feels like to live that way, so why the hell would he be subjecting his own family to the same treatment if not worse If you want to work things out with him then the sensible way forward would be some counselling for him I would insist maybe he just needs some one from outside to kindly tell him he is way OTT, teach him to relax about spending a few extra £££'s that isn't budgeted for.
And if it does to come to a split - at least he has said he could move to your property, gotta give him a little credit for that. At least he see's what THAT would do to his Dc.
As for your holiday, I hope you have a fab time but seriously if he starts, it's not just himself he spoils it for, it's the whole family. He starts moaning, huffing =you react= kids know=day ruined :( If I were you I'd make sure I had extra cash or C/C without him knowing and the moment if he opened his mouth about money I'd take the kids off without him to enjoy their hol.
Good luck, hope things work out for you xx

It's good that you are talking about it.

I do think this 'agreeing a budget' is problematic though as he seems to think it's only your spending money that has to pay for the children's activities.

I would try and agree on which activities you want to pay for, and divide the costs.

On holiday, how about giving the children some money every day, or agreeing 'one ice-cream a day' so that there isn't a constant negotiation around money, and he feels less stressed that it doesn't spiral out of control.

I really hope this improves, it sounds really unpleasant.

Have things been any better in the last few days Voidka?

Things have been in that 'after the fight' stage where everyone is tiptoeing around on their best behaviour.

DH did suggest going out for a meal to celebrate the end of DS's SATS which nearly knocked me over. But DS was almost as shcked as I was and I think the suggestion sounded even better coming from DH.

We are working at it. I still am putting my back up plan into action though. I want to be okay if it all does go bad again because this really is the last chance for us.

Voidka - You get that back up plan in place love. I cannot see this man changing.

And he complained about 2 quid for a mixing bowl? You obviously thought you needed it. And I bet he doesn't turn down the food that needed the mixing bowl in its preparation.

A complete tight arse love.

I dont know if I think he will change wither, but I have to give it a shot.

My advice would be to end the relationship; he will never change.

My first husband was extremely controlling, in several ways, but financially was one of those. I wasn't allowed to buy anything for myself. If I ever did buy myself a pair of knickers or some deodorant it just caused so much hassle I stopped buying anything at all. He did it in a very emotionally blackmailing way 'Buy these things if you must but just remember in a few years' time when we get our home repossessed because of your spending it will be YOU explaining to DD why we don't have a home, not Me'. And this was just after buying basic necessities for myself. I remember when DD1 was a few months old and I wanted to buy one of those Tomy minichef blenders so I could make her food myself and he wouldn't let me as he said they were just a 'gimmick'.

It ended up with my parents buying me things like tampons, deodorant, the occasional haircut etc. Money absolutely drained from our account and looking back now I think he was taking chunks of money out but at the time I was so ground down I didn't dare question him. He used to ask me why we had no money and I'd say I didn't know and he'd say 'Well it's certainly not my fault' even though I never bought anything ever.

Anyway, not meaning to make this about me but just wanted to say that it's really no way to live, and it isn't normal. He is being a bully towards you and your DC. Storming off because your son wanted a donkey ride? Making a fuss over a pair of wellies and a mixing bowl? You deserve far, far better than him. I don't think his behaviour is about the money or the mortgage, I think it's about controlling you!