DH's financial control is becoming unbearable.

[Voidka]

DH and I had a massive row last night and I dont know how much more I can take.

Firstly both DH and I have separate bank and savings accounts and a joint credit card where all of our expenditure goes, and a joint DD account. We both have mortgages (mine is on our rental property, DH's is our home). DH wants to be mortgage free within the next 5 years but he is becoming fanatical about it to the point of suffocation.

Last night DH confronts me. He has highlighted loads of different things I have spent on the CC. This all kicked off because a book arrived for DS1 yesterday (which he is about to study at school and wanted to read first, and cost me a penny on amazon + delivery). My other crimes included £4 in Matalan buying wellies for DD and £2 in Wilkinson on a new mixing bowl.

I cant go on like this. We have three children that need things. I am not an extravagant person by any means. It causes so much friction in the house. We are not in any debt.

He has ruined days by being a miser. For example we went to the seaside over easter and DD wanted a ride on a donkey. I said that was okay and he went off in a massive huff and we lost him for 30 minutes because he didnt come back. He went mental when I let the boys have a pounds worth of 2p's to go on the penny arcade.

We have our family holiday coming up in 4 weeks and I am dreading how he will be. I honestly dont think I can go on.

It ended last night with me trying to explain that as a family we have to have some expenditure and him getting in such a huff about my so called 'living the high life' that he slept in the spare room.

I would agree: with regard to the money issue, as opposed to the wider issue of the relationship itself, would it work to agree a monthly budget for frivolous items or miscellanous items, with the understanding that you can spend it on whatever you want without argument, as long as the total expenditure is within budget? Can you divert his obsession to keeping track of the budgets on a spreadsheet, or does he do this anyway? Or can you pay for this sort of thing with cash, or from a separate new bank account or CC used only for this purpose, again keeping to a certain monthly limit?

You need to get rid of the man, end of. It's not just the meanness, it's his deep-rooted idea that he is your boss/owner and that you have to justifiy yourself to him.
Just make your plans, get them in order (is it a matter of getting your tenants out of the house you own so you can move back in?) and dump his miserable selfish ultra-tight arse.

I cant move back into my house because its only a 2 bed semi, and the 4 of us wont fit in it.

I need to think about what to do.

:(

Looking on the bright side. If he's been paying down the mortgage, when you divorce him and sell the place, you'll get a nice fat wedge out of it. And he'll get a new mortgage that he can obsess over and pay off to his heart's content.

The more I read, the more think the money thing is probably a red herring. He's just a miserable bastard.

I agree with sgb. This is no way to live. he is being financially abusive. Ive just popped over to the mse mortgage free wannabe board and there is a lot of people on there moaning about the little amounts that their spouses are spending. financial abuse is rife and it looks to me like a lot of the morons on that boaard just cant see it. Womens Aid will help ypu on this if you ring them. They take financial abuse just as seriously as other forms of abuse.

I remember the thread about your nightmare MIL, OP. It sounds to me like your DP is manifesting both his parents' dysfunctions; his father's obsessive stinginess and his mother's belief that she rules the bloody universe and everything should be her way. Who the actual fuck is he to tell you that you can't spend two quid on a mixing bowl?! Your children won't give a shit how soon your mortgage is paid off - no doubt they don't even know what one is - but they will remember their father making life a misery over everything, storming off having a tantrum and disappearing for ages purely because one of them wanted a bit of fun at the seaside? He's an entitled, self-obsessed controller like his mother, and an obsessive skinflint like his father. How attractive, NOT.

I have two thoughts on stuff you've written, because you're making excuses not to leave and I think there's two things to consider that should hopefully make you feel braver: 1) I bet 100% that being a single mum to children on the AS spectrum will be easier than being with him, as the stress that he causes you all, all the time must be unbearable. Anything sill be easier if you're free of that. Also, AS sufferers need stability and knowing what's what. Their father being predictably awful is not the kind of thing I mean!
2) You own a property that you can go straight to. Do you know how lucky you are to be in that position? Most women leaving an abuser have nothing like that, some have to walkout with the clothes on their back. So what if it 'only' has two bedrooms? The kids can sleep in one room, or you could buy a bed settee and sleep in the lounge and let them have all the bedrooms. All the solutions are there, if you'll stop prevaricating.

Also, as a side-note to the above, you are entitled to stay in the marital home, although am sure you would feel that would be churlish when you have a property of your own.

Have you asked him how frugal he's going to be able to be when he has to pay you child support because you had to leave his sorry arse for being such a wanker?

In the short-term, the 2-bed would be big enough if you and your dd could share, and the 2 ds's could share. You could always have a bed-settee for the ocasional overnight visitor, if needs must.

Does he buy treats for himself? Or is he tight all round?

So he has £100 to spend on himself each month while you spend most of your £100 on the children's clubs and needs. That doesn't seem remotely fair.

He goes off in a sulk over a donkey ride? The poor children, they must feel they are treading on eggshells all the time.

On these tightwad husband threads it's always the same....there is a budget, which the wife ends up spending mainly on bits and pieces for the children, while he gets to spend his portion on whatever he wants.

Poor you, and poor kids OP. I'd be letting him leave mortgage free on his ownio.

And what will he do then, when the house is paid for? Just sit in it? Life is for living as you clearly appreciate and he does not. Asking for justification for the spending of every penny is a way of controllling you. I would tell him you are going to live in your house for a while to let him experience being on his own. You could surely manage with 2 bedrooms while your DC are small.

So OP - he has £100 spending money, while you use your £100 to pay for things for the children?

What a miserable tighfisted git he is.

You need a separate budget for the children, he is being ridiculous.

Does he not agree with the amount of clubs your children attend? Does he not want them to be able to swim, or go to cubs?

I would point out to him that you are heading for splitting, because you simply can't live with this level of stress which is not really over money, but more over who is in control.

See what he says. I agree with the others that a 2 bed house with some peace and quiet is better than a four bed with a miser in it.

His behaviour is intolerable.

I can't think of anything else to say really

What ? I missed the bit that he gets £100 for him and she gets £100 but must cover DC stuff.

Yes, sorry, I am with SGB.

Easier said than done I know

yuk

I knew someone who overpaid and scrimped and saved to the point of living an un-necessarily meagre kind of life to pay off a mortgage

he dropped dead of a heart attack 6 months after the last payment

what a fucking waste

Not sure you need to think about what to do Voidka, I think you know what to do.

The question to think about is how to achieve what you want to do.

Get yourself a freedom plan, it'd be a hard slog for 12-18 months but freedom is priceless.

Good luck

You would fit in your 2 bed house, if separating is what is needed to be happy it is excellent news that you have somewhere to move to. Don't make excuses about the house etc in order to justify staying, plenty of people end up in one room at a hostel when they have to leave. Only stay if it is what you want.

Given all the MIL issues and this, and what you say upthread about your marriage ending, it sounds like an exit strategy would be a big relief.

as you say "Our marriage is shite (not just because of this) but I dont know if I have the strength to cope with the children on my own at the moment. DS1 has AS and is challenging, and DS2 has ASD.2

yes you can it will be much much easier.
ive the tenants notice and move in

ds's in one bed, dd another and you can sleep on sofa bed in lounge or share with dd for now

of course it is fine. when when you sorted out divorce properly you can decide if you move back into family home or whatever.

but really having a two bed house to move into is a god send!

just do it.
you will be much happier.
and so will DC.

i moved with 3 dc into two bed flat - i needed to stay in borourgh because of DS SN and misguidedly thought would be good to stay close to exp for Dc to move freely to visit etc. ( i should have moved to larger at other side of borough but anyway...) i also wanted garden so two bed was what i could afford.

i didnt foresee i would still be here four years later as it took time to get to court etcetc over financial matters and still need to sell out from under exp and get equity to buy somewhere with hopfully more bedrooms (at the other cheaper end of borough) as DDS growing up ... but yes i sleep on sofa bed in longe and it is not ideal no but is fine - because we are safe and happy .

and maybe you could extend your two bed into loft or build downsairs bedroom extension in the longer term?

you have somewhere to go - so go ....

ps among many other things exp once went mental over me buying dd cheap sparkly trainers in woolworths (those were the days) as it was "a waste of money" this was screamed at me infront of poor dd - so i can fully appreciate - and when this comes on top of many other things it is too much for you and DC

ps dont go on family holiday with him take a friend instead

Oh god OP he sounds a treat.... Fair enough he wants to be mortgage free, nothing wrong with that but NOT at a cost to your children. I would have lost all respect for him the first time he denied or moaned about his Dc needing/wanting something. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a "man" who stomps off in a huff and moans about a £2 kitchen utensil - he seriously needs a high five in the face.
I certainly would not be going on a holiday with him, can you not tell him to stay home as no one wants his tight miserable arse there.
I'm with the other posters with regard to your 2 bed house - if you wanted it to work for you then it would, it's definitely a solution to your problem.
If he is already stressing your Dc now, imagine what it will be like as they get older. If he can't/won't change his ways now I'm afraid it would be over, there's no way I would have my kids grow up with a controlling, tight, penny pinching bastard, being terrified to ask for a few pounds to go to the cinema for example.
I'm also very curious to know what he spends his £100 monthly allowance on.

Good luck OP

I spoke to DH about our situation last night. He vowed to change but I am very sceptical. He tried to explain that the problems stem from his parents (which I knew) and that he finds it difficult to know any other way to be.

It will take a couple of months to sort my stuff out. The problems with moving into my house are not just confined to space. Both DS's will suffer massively by any upheaval, and its a good way away from the schools etc. DH even suggested that he moves into my house.

We are going to go on holiday together and then make some proper decisions. He has promised that he will try and I have promised that I will go into it with an open mind. I feel more determined. If he is mardy and kicks off the only persons week he will be ruining will be his own.

My friend had (had) an H like this.

He was money obsessed too, but mainly, he was just a miserable shit.

Official diagnosis - miserable shit.

Maybe insist on counselling? It's cheaper than divorce, if that would get him to consider it?

I felt very sad for my friend's H at the same time as being delighted that she had got shot. Predictably, he now has a nothing life. I'm sure he has lots in teh bank though.

Voidka I don't blame you for giving it another go - at least he is acknowledging that he has a problem.

With regard to the holiday, have you sat down and worked out a budget?

What will he do with the surplus cash when the mortgage is paid off?