Divorce and separation: looking for MNer input

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello,

We at MNHQ are currently brainstorming about a few things, and (bearing in mind how we hit the right note last time ) we'd very much appreciate some MNer input to guide our thinking.

We are looking into the possibility of providing some content around relationship breakdown (divorce/separation, mediation, maintenance, parenting after a separation), and we'd love to know what sorts of things you think would be helpful.

This could be anything from comprehensive directories of help that's already out there, to online mediation services, and everything and anything in between: please just let us know what, in an ideal world, you would like to see Mumsnet (or anyone else, including the government) providing that would make the separation process as stress-free as possible for families.

We're mostly looking at things that could be done online, but we're all ears if you have other ideas too. And if there are organisations and services that you think are particularly good, do please give them a namecheck.

We may also start trialling a few ideas over the next few months in order to get your input on those, so watch this space.

Thanks,
MNHQ

Add a note for those separating to let them know that things do not usually improve when apart, that the ex is likely to be equally if not more irritating as an ex than as a partner.

So so many people relay stories years down the track about the shock/bitter/rage etc they feel that ex has acted, well, as they always have done.

Your dp doesn't improve once they're your ex.

Oh no... They don't improve, they get significatively worse, that's for sure

But at least you don't have to share your life and your home with them

Does anyone know of any good family law solicitors in the wandsworth area? Also solicitor that might consider legal aid and or part payment? Can anyone let me know as soon as possible as the court date is coming up soon. It is for a single mum who is separated and there are immigration issues involved not her she is british citizen but her partner.

Thanks

Hello Many Thanks to all

I am not in your area, and also not sure o would describe my solicitor as good. Try contacting CAB maybe and ask them? I got my contact through a charitable organisation that offers legal advice in my city...so not much help, sorry

zi, can I encourage you to read the information I posted above? Your friend might benefit from contacting Women's Aid or Rights of Women on the free advice lines:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

www.womensaid.org.uk/

You can find specialist family law solicitors in your area through these websites:

www.resolution.org.uk/

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

The legal aid calculator is here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc;jsessionid=BE2E4958A1C731F77C5F169553472B93?execution=e1s1

I've learned a lot about how difficult divorce can be and how difficult the aftermath can be from a friend's experience. The ex husband has been incredibly difficult, both financially and with regards to the children. He refuses to acknowlege his role in the marriage break up and was (and is) determined to punish her. Not sure what the answer would have been in their particular case - probably not to have married him in the first place but that is not helpful advice now! She hadn't recognised that he is verbally abusive and controlling and misogynistic (although there were a few red flags in my opinion). He managed to bully her into a terrible divorce settlement. It was a real shame that she didn't have a good solicitor on her side, or even a good counsellor just to give clarity that she was not the one in the wrong (she had an affair but that was not primarily why they split up although it was obviously gold-dust for him because he could play the betrayed spouse and make out that the divorce was all her fault).

There were one or two episodes where he was incredibly verbally abusive and he threatened her with violence and I am wondering if that would have been enough to have got him out of the house? As it was, she was the one that fled (albeit temporarily). He was much to clever to ever actually hit her, because he knew that then she would have a cast-iron reason to get him to leave.

Think there needs to be more advice and information on how to spot emotionally abusive and controlling men.

im thinking of leaving and am looking up a few links from this thread - thanks for input. tbh the whole thing is totally overwhelming. i have a baby not yet one and wonder how i will cope, my family lives quite far away, and i have no clue about finances as he has always had control over all the forms etc. to anyone that has left - how long was it before you felt settled again after you moved out? i don't want to make things worse for us, and am trying to weigh up the pro's and cons. maybe i should just deal with a bit of unhappniess now and again and keep getting on with it

tadpoles im kinda in a similar situation. i feel my dh is verbally abusive, yet i am the one that has to leave and find a new house (we rent) although it would be much easier if he left. i am not looking to divorce at this stage. i talked to a support worker from WA and she said my choice would be to apply for a housing exec house - the only way he would leave is if he actually hit me (which he would never do) it is very hard. i don't know if i have the strength to sort out moving house with a baby. he keeps saying he is trying to change.

Haven't read all of the post so apologies if this is repeating someone else.

Information that you do not have to go through a solicitor to get divorced. This was new news to me when I was talking to a colleague about the fact H and I had split up and I know it has been new news to a lot of other people when I've told them.

ExH and I agreed we wanted to divorce, printed the documents from directgov website, filled them in and sent them off to court with a cheque.

Clarify when discussing divorce law which country's legal system you are referring to. Not everyone lives in England (divorced mum in Scotland).

Don't assume all solicitors are good and have their clients best interests at heart.

Friends of ours divorced and due to complex financial situation he supplied all financial info and put forward offers to her. That and subsequent offers were all turned down on advice of solicitor who advised her to fight via courts for more despite husband's obvious impending bankruptcy. They ended up with solicitors' bills of >10k each and she got a lot less pension and maintenance than he originally offered. Incidentally, her solicitor was even then advising her to fight on, only the threat of huge costs stopped it going further.

She assumed that as solicitor was the "expert" and she was paying him she should follow his advice. Ex-husband has since gone bankrupt and she and the children are now living on benefits, the only people who came out better off were the solicitors.

How and when to tell children and cause the least impact?

havin been divorced i dont think theres such thing as an amicable divoce but at the time i was out of work so i had legal aid. but i do know the first hour with a legal rep is free good luck .

I have often posted some advice (I know a bit about divorce law) on various threads and it is often the same so it would be helpful for people to find advice in one place. You could even buy content fairly cheaply from one of the divorce website providers out there.

There are legal issues - who gets what, work out which of you earns the most, will there be a clean break or continuing payments for the lower earner, with whom will the children live and how is that worked out, what payments are made for the child. Plenty of women on here have virtually no money so will need to know about state benefits and tax credits.

Then there are practical issues - do you know what your husband earns - huge numbers seem not to and to spend more time thinking about flowers in the house than pensions and P60s, more fool them. What documents you will need - marriage cert etc. Finding out what investments there are, worth of private companies etc etc.

Then psychological issues. Most people including lawyers recommend amicable divorces without court hearings. We did not have a single hearing. Much better to give your money to your ex than a lawyer in my view. Using Resolution lawyers who don't go to court.

I would also put first on any list how to stay together. Most of us want to try that first, counselling, managing a relationship etc.
It could even be linked to service providers who then pay mumsnet a commission for referrals eg lawyers, financial advisers, counsellors if that doesn't break your own internal rules and as long as disclosed to the posters as presumably the site needs to make money.

Then as peiople say above issues about contact with children, how parents arrange care, who children might live with and how many days a month and basic things like English courts tend to let a child of 13 or 14 decide with whom to live.

People mentioned above countries. Scottish law is different.
Pre and post nups - not formally binding in the UK but certainly something considered.

Gingerbread has some policy documents that summarise research into shared parenting, contact etc with links to the bigger documents. I found it really helpful because there's not much information about what actually IS in the children't best interests. I found that increadibly difficult to work out, especially with an antagonistic ex.