Hi all who have seen me around here for the last few weeks. I just need to let of some steam. As u may know I have posted many messages about one problemn after another - so feel like a HEAD CASE , I need to come with a WARNING "strange moany winge bag, AVOID".
This may take a while , so here we go ; I gave up a suit booted job last yr(tooo stressfull made me depressed), went freelance from home to add FULLFILLMENT to my life - but it didnt. So now have my amazing 11 week old DD who SHOULD add fulfillment but it doesnt just quite seem to fill the hole & now have PND !!!!. I have tried since pregnancy to make new friends ,as old friend is single and lives in Paris & just doesnt understand being married with kid & the other friend lives in Sheffield,(I am in London)and typically the one new friend I have made who I get on with really really well is also moving far away!!!!. My problem is this; I have always found it hard to sustain / cultivate good friendships. I was badly bullied (mentally & physically)from 5 yrs old up till late teens and moved to several schools because of this, which manifested into agraphobia in my late 20's , so making arrangments , doing lots of stuff is quite anxiety inducing even now all these yrs later. Now I have no work to escape too , so making friends and stuff to do every week is far more important. I made some new friends about 5 months ago at about 26 weeks pg and I thought we had a nice little grp , but over the last few weeks little cliques have been forming and I as per usual have not been included in some of the arrangments, unless I happen to text and ask what they r up too and then they say " oh I was having blah blah over" or "oh why dont u come" , like they feel guilty suddenly because I have appeared. Or I dont get a phone call for weeks at a time only to then speak and find out they have been soooooo BUSY with this one or that one. So I end up thinking, so whats wrong with me that I couldnt have been included. Any way I have just realised I sound v immature and its like I am back at school all over again; I AM 31 FOR GODS SAKE !!!!
I am thoroughly FED UP, its not so much feeling lonely,as DH is on garden leave until Jan 19th. Its just so upsetting and frustrating and makes u feel like there is something wrong with u. I have alot to give - funny /genorous/ caring / artistic/ cultured/ intelligent. Sound like an advert now to myself!!!!
I know some of u r going to think just get a hold of yourself, but this a repeated thing through my life and I know it is common but when u bare the brunt of it its difficult. I also dont want to rely on Parents/siblings/ husband for my life , as they may not always be there and I need to be independant, but every time my husband says to join a mummy grp , say baby massage for eg I just panick.
I also feel like on merry go round with baby routine as not getting enough sleep because of pills for PND so dont get out enough because exhausted and have to ;feed, clean bum ,make bottles, feed, clean bum etc etc. I soooo need a day to myself with NO ONE , so I can calm down , but dont know what to do . I love masssage spa's , but sooo expensive. Now I just feel guilty because there is a voice in my head saying , "well what did u expect with a baby". ok now I am gonna cry. BIG BIG SIGH.
Sorrreee there seem to be several issues in one here, apologies for fractured account.