Can I just have a rant about making friends, upset and low.

[melsy]

Hi all who have seen me around here for the last few weeks. I just need to let of some steam. As u may know I have posted many messages about one problemn after another - so feel like a HEAD CASE , I need to come with a WARNING "strange moany winge bag, AVOID".

This may take a while , so here we go ; I gave up a suit booted job last yr(tooo stressfull made me depressed), went freelance from home to add FULLFILLMENT to my life - but it didnt. So now have my amazing 11 week old DD who SHOULD add fulfillment but it doesnt just quite seem to fill the hole & now have PND !!!!. I have tried since pregnancy to make new friends ,as old friend is single and lives in Paris & just doesnt understand being married with kid & the other friend lives in Sheffield,(I am in London)and typically the one new friend I have made who I get on with really really well is also moving far away!!!!. My problem is this; I have always found it hard to sustain / cultivate good friendships. I was badly bullied (mentally & physically)from 5 yrs old up till late teens and moved to several schools because of this, which manifested into agraphobia in my late 20's , so making arrangments , doing lots of stuff is quite anxiety inducing even now all these yrs later. Now I have no work to escape too , so making friends and stuff to do every week is far more important. I made some new friends about 5 months ago at about 26 weeks pg and I thought we had a nice little grp , but over the last few weeks little cliques have been forming and I as per usual have not been included in some of the arrangments, unless I happen to text and ask what they r up too and then they say " oh I was having blah blah over" or "oh why dont u come" , like they feel guilty suddenly because I have appeared. Or I dont get a phone call for weeks at a time only to then speak and find out they have been soooooo BUSY with this one or that one. So I end up thinking, so whats wrong with me that I couldnt have been included. Any way I have just realised I sound v immature and its like I am back at school all over again; I AM 31 FOR GODS SAKE !!!!

I am thoroughly FED UP, its not so much feeling lonely,as DH is on garden leave until Jan 19th. Its just so upsetting and frustrating and makes u feel like there is something wrong with u. I have alot to give - funny /genorous/ caring / artistic/ cultured/ intelligent. Sound like an advert now to myself!!!!

I know some of u r going to think just get a hold of yourself, but this a repeated thing through my life and I know it is common but when u bare the brunt of it its difficult. I also dont want to rely on Parents/siblings/ husband for my life , as they may not always be there and I need to be independant, but every time my husband says to join a mummy grp , say baby massage for eg I just panick.
I also feel like on merry go round with baby routine as not getting enough sleep because of pills for PND so dont get out enough because exhausted and have to ;feed, clean bum ,make bottles, feed, clean bum etc etc. I soooo need a day to myself with NO ONE , so I can calm down , but dont know what to do . I love masssage spa's , but sooo expensive. Now I just feel guilty because there is a voice in my head saying , "well what did u expect with a baby". ok now I am gonna cry. BIG BIG SIGH.
Sorrreee there seem to be several issues in one here, apologies for fractured account.

Do you know this thread has really helped me too. I honestly thought I was the only person who felt like this... thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone and I'm not the only person who feel like this and who other people misinturpret.

Group therapy eh !!!!!

I feel better if it has meant we all know we are not nuts alone, but may be nuts together!!!!! See I am friendly and funny??!!!

i agree with salt - i have found this thread very useful - i had often thought of raising similar issues but had always chickened out in the end. I have always found it very difficult to make friends - i always have this thought in my mind that i am inferior to others and that i am boring so why would any one want to talk to me - i think due to these thoughts i always get anxious in social situations - my husband tells me these thoughts are incorrect and that infact i appear confident and a bit snobbish - i was amazed at how often similar statements have been made about other people - so melsey you are not alone and thanks for starting such a great thread

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You're definitely not alone Melsy, I am RUBBISH at making friends! Always get told I am aloof, unapproachable etc. Got told last week that someone thought I was a 'cold fish' but it's ok, he knows I'm 'normal' now

Don't have any real advice but would have found it very very hard if I'd been at home. I think when (if you're like me) you over-analyse friendships it means that you can become quite critical as well and not want to get too close, or do it in your own time. Friendships, proper ones, not quantity but quality friends, do take a long time, you do need to develop that shared history, have in-jokes etc.

Good luck, accept all invitations (you can sift later) and when you have moments of bravery organise something and ring people THEN or you'll fret and change your mind.

I don't if this helps or will seem overwhelming, but I have found that inviting lots and lots of people for friendly coffees and so on works, simply because you increase your chances of making contact with a friendly person. When someone says no or is unresponsive, it is easier to brush it off when someone else has said they would love to join you. Eg, I am still quite hurt that people at work don't take up my invitations and some never give any proper excuse for why they can't come, but I don't often brood about it, because I am seeing other friends. I think it also helps if you have quite low expectations of brand new friends, eg just accept that you need a few people to pass the time of day with you, and they will do for now, and it is OK to see them on that basis. Over about a year or so, one of these new friends may become a close friend you can rely on. There is no one on this planet that could not use another nice friend, so whenever someone responds to your gesture in an unfriendly way, remember that they are unfriendly, and it is not to do with you.

Taking my courage in both hands to join this thread. There's so much that I recognise going on here. I don't mean to be dismissive, but I think that some of you just don't understand how it feels to lack social confidence. It's all very well telling us to call people, go out and meet people, not read to much into the behaviour of people who don't call us, etc etc etc, but these fears and feelings sometimes come from a lifetime of not quite fitting in, and it's incredibly hard to change. And even if you can make the emotional and intellectual changes, there are often practical problems - I would love to go out and see my DINKie friends, with or without my kids, but then there's always either babysitting to organsie or fitting in 'adult' activities with the childrens' needs.

I feel i have lost a lot of confidence when i became a SAHM - i often wish i had kept working atleast part time. I have now started writing as a profession - but again this is very solitary. I need to do something that involves contact with others so i can build those skills - but at the moment life is just so busy.

so much of this I can relate to, we moved when dd was 3 months old to a city neither of us knew, where we didn't know anyone. I felt v v lonely for a long long time, and found it hard at the local toddler group, as many mums already knew each other and seemed to be in little 'cliques'. Towards the end of the first year at toddler group, I met a mum who at first liked me because I was french and she wanted to practice her language skills, but we quickly became friends regardless of this (however, we don't really speak on the phone, only to arrange when to meet up, which is infrequent). But I know that we like each other and feel comfortable in each other's company. That's made me realise that I shouldn't be offended when I invite someone over and they don't return the invitation: they're in no hurry to see me again, and that's probably because we don't have that much in common. When people really like you then they make time to see you. I have just found a new friend through dd's school, and we get to see each other because we both want to.
I am rambling and probably not helping much, sorry. Only trying to say I know a little how you feel, and it makes sense to me. I also quite like being on my own anyway, so I don't want to feel pressured by the lifestyle I am expected to have by society: lots of friends, popular, etc etc. It's just not me, I'm better with fewer friends and time on my own.

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melsy, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate to some of the frustration in your post. It IS hard to make friends, especially after having a baby. And the PND also has a huge affect on how you feel and perceive things. I often feel lonely or bored, in part because I came over from the States this summer and am finding it difficult to meet people. I'm in North London too, with a 6 month old daughter. Let me know if you want to get together or chat, 'tho I know you're needing a day to yourself to recharge.

OHMIGOD, I cannot believe the response to this today. I can feel the outpouring of pent up anxiety from everyone.I feel like I am going to tell everyone to hug trees next!!!!
Jiinh like you I also fretted about posting this and considered changing my nickname, as I felt v ashamed to be admitting all of this. I am sooo not a folorn and sad lookimng person , I am vibrant, stylish and strong and all of this just pulls me down. So I hide at home looking the complete opposite to the person that leaves the house IF I DO GO OUT!!!! It is kinda afreaky that the day I decide to make arrangments with these NEW FRIENDS , they have ALL contacted me to say they have to cancel this week because of blah blah blah & also cant do next week, b cos of yada yada yada , that I arranged. So to suggest another time now smacks of neediness. I just cant believe it .One of them even admitted to yrs of agraphobia yesterday as I gently mentioned my fear of groups and relationships and stuff the like.

My DH said he didnt know wether to laugh or cry considering this post on the very subject yesterday!!!!Now if that dont make u paranoid wot does!!! Is any one into synchronicity, now what message is the universe giving me from this eh?????

I meant to type jina not jiinh!! Thank u for thanking me for this subject - I was also paranoid that none of u would reply as I would seem needy and sad, (and further fuel my thoughts) and now I am nicely surprised that through owning up to this vulnerabilty u have all opened up and made me feel like I am not a isolated as I thought. This is like years of therapy in several days!!!!

melsy feel all warm inside and off to hug my Xmas tree!

Only just caught this thread & amazed to hear so many echoes of my early days with DD. I had to do all the running all the time or would never see anyone at all. I solved mine by going back to work, but it's a bit drastic! In my case I'd ended up in a town where everyone else lived up the road from her mum & sisters & didn't need friends.

((((( hugs ))))) to everyone still going through it.

melsy - thanks for this thread. I never realised there were other people like me! I tend to have very good friends who I've known for years but no one 'new'. My old friends are childless and live a distance away. Mums round here are generally in their own little groups as their children are older. I think I tend to come across as a bit of a 'try-hard'. I also (like boyandgirl mentioned) have very little social confidence. Oh I sound full of self-pity! Must find myself a tree to hug....

Hi melsy! remember me? I'm still waiting for you to give me a date so we can meet up in Enfield Town. So listen to big sis...... next week Mon 8th, Tues 9th, Wedn 10th, as soon as I drop the kids off at 9am I'm free till 3pm, when I will have to go and pick the kids up. And anyone else in the Enfield area... there are a couple of nice cafe's there, if you don't feel ok, have a cup of tea or coffee, make your excuses and then run off in the opposite direction as fast as you can..... This time let me know, I will except no excuses..........Melsy! do you hear me?????????

Hi survivor - sorrreeee, c I am just crap at organising things with new people, say we dont get on,or we wierd each other out or find we have nothing in common, it feels like a blind date!!!!

Ok Big Sis!!!! I would say next Weds, the only prob is DD has her 2nd set of jabs Tuesday and last time she had temp on and off for 48hrs. OK lets try Thursday??? Although u didnt have that as possible???. Should arrange via e-mail were we r to meet encase there r any nutters reading this!!! My paranoia again.Anyone else want to meet in Enfield town somewere ??? Just contact me through e-mail on "contact another talker". Although I may still not know who I am really talking too. Does any one worry about false identities on here??Soreee u hear such nasty things going on.Unfortunately some of this has to do with my agraphobia I am afraid.

See girls I am trying to make an effort, just find it troublesome sometimes.

Don't worry Melsy, I did a course on self defence acouple of years ago, and both my boys have yellow belts in Jiu-jitsu you will be well looked after. Must take mum to NMH on thursday, they will cut out a little bump off her scalp, under local. If your baby is well on Wednesday, we will meet up. See how she is all night tuesday, she might actually like going out for a breather rather than get stuck in doors, we will do tea and a sandwich and you can go off, it needn't be an allday thing, I have spoken to a few other parents at school, and my youngest sister with her 4month old baby and we will start going to a baby and toddler group, there are 3 I found suitable to me, what do you think? We will defeat this phobia of yours, if it is the last thing we do!!!!! And what about the Monday? is that suitable? Kids break up from school on thursday 18th, then I get stuck at home with them, 3 kids screaming and you can't hear yourself think. Let alone talk to anyone else. Let me know soon.

Melsy - I have been where you are now. My life changed when I found a lovely M & T group. It sounds dramatic, but it is true. However, it TOOK TIME. I noticed that you said you had started going to a group, but that it was only the second week, and you haven't met anyone that you think will be your type. Well, sorry, but that it so wrong! I found that the people I assumed would become my friends haven't, and the ones that I didn't think that I would like have actually become my closer friends with time and effort.

It does sound hard, but one (not saying you specifically) has to strike the right balance between seeming gregarious and popular, but not too 'in your face', and needing new friends without seeming needy. It is so hard to do, but I found that asking people about their child, and then offering some informaton about yours is a good start. I usually say something like, 'Ooh, his/her hair is so curly...' or 'How old is your child?' It sounds obvious, but people love talking about their child, especially if you say something complimentary. But, be honest. e.g., don't say 'What a handsome boy,' if he clearly looks like Pug from the Bash St Boys!

Good luck, and I do know what you are going through. Be persistent, but not aggressive in chasing these friends. However, do think hard about whether you want to see them because you like them, or because you don't want to be lonely.

I felt the same when my DS's were very small,we lived in an area with alot of retired people and not many young families. We moved when the boys were about 1yo, and I also went back to work 3 days a week. On my days off I did go to a M&T group in our new area, and got to know quite a few people, but I've never been one for having a "best friend", I like doing my own thing and just meet up with different friends, once in a while, sometimes hardly at all, depending on my mood.
You will start to feel better as your DD gets older.There will be more interaction and comunication between you, and perhaps you will find her more "fun" to be with.
My DS's are now 5yo they are great company, and really funny. I enjoyed my preschool years with them so much,and miss them like hell now that they are in school !!!

Melsy I have met two Mners in the flesh - both lovely and as witty in real life as on here!

ooooh coddy flattery will get you everywhere!
melsy I've been trying to meet up with another mother in the village for... ummm... 7 weeks now? We are both currently at home, her children are both at school/nursery - two of my three are... and we have both kept cancelling (her more than me and actually she just forgot and stood me up once!). I'm not taking it personally, not least because we've never met each other so I KNOW she can't hate me! She has just moved here. We have had a laugh over the phone about it, and have arranged to meet next tuesday am - but I'm just saying that sometimes everyone does have to cancel etc etc. It is the season of school christmas plays and various things like you realise if you are going to buy a single present it is going to HAVE to be on wed am otherwise you can't manage it any other time etc etc etc. So try not to be paranoid - if you like them, and they are making arrangements with you, they almost certainly like you too...
chin up!