Shall I tell this girl her boyfriend slept with someone else?

[MissCeliaFoote]

Hi everyone. I am friends with a girl at uni, well enough to say hello and have a chat if I see her or to have a laugh with on a night out as part of a group, but not like very close friends or anything.

She has a boyfriend who is my acquaintance, but not a good friend, and who is on a sports team with my boyfriend. Her and bf have been together 2 years, about the same as me and my bf. Word on the student grapevine is that he cheated on her last winter and she eventually forgave him. He also cheated on one of my other friends when they were going out back in first year; he has form.

Anyway MY boyfriend and another friend have told me that her boyfriend cheated on her AGAIN on a boys' night out last weekend, went back to a girl's room and slept with her. Because me and the girl aren't really close, I don't think my boyfriend expected me to say, 'WTF, that's awful, someone has to tell her.' I really think she deserves to know. I thought maybe I could send her a private message on Facebook or something. I just hate that it's being discussed by the boys in open forum and before long all the boys will know that he cheated on her again, while she's left in the dark. It's disgusting. She may have forgiven him for cheating once, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't want to know he's done it again, does it?

My boyfriend is trying to dissuade me from telling her because it's not 'our place to' but I think the actual reason is that he thinks if I tell the girl, it will fuck things up for him in his social circle because it might come out that I told the girl because he told me.

I just feel like, this poor girl is kind, lovely, she's got her whole life ahead of her, and she deserves to know if her boyfriend's cheating on her again and not even keeping it a secret from anyone else but her. I know she doesn't know. If it were me, I'd feel so fucking humiliated. We're all young, final-year students, no children or other complications involved. I feel I should definitely tell her; she temporarily broke up with him before when he cheated. Am I right/wrong? WWYD? I know if my boyfriend had cheated on me I would absolutely want to know...

Sorry, that was really long.

Stay well out of it. If he's being so blatant it'll get back to her somehow.

Yeah you're probably right. I just feel bad though because I do feel there is a bit of a 'boys culture', so I don't know if it WILL get back to her. I only found out because I heard my boyfriend and mate talking about it in our flat, sort of guessed what they were on about and then they filled in the gaps.
Actually a private message on facebook sounds really crass now I come to think of it. So I should stay out of it I suppose...
Just feel really bad for the girl though.

Could you mention to her (or one of her friends) that you've heard these rumours going round, and thought she should know what was being said about her boyfriend. No need to mention your boyfriend or how you heard.

Keep out of it. Your BF is right, not your place and it would be bad for him if his mates found out it was you.

Yeah well I definitely WOULDN'T mention my boyfriend, but I think that may be why he's trying to dissuade me.
That is quite a good idea about mentioning to a mutual friend who is one of her 'best' friends. Hmmm. Meh maybe I should stay out of it. She's just so nice though, I will feel so guilty every time I see her.

Stay out of it.

Are you worried that this 'boys culture' extends to your own boyfriend and that he has a vested interest in you not involving yourself in condemning it? If he thinks it's ok to do that, what's stopping him doing it to you?

And no, I wouldn't tell her. But I would look differently at someone who didn't think that it was a vile thing to do to someone.

If this girl has already taken him back once what she needs is a boost to her self-esteem rather than someone passing on crushing information. If you really want to help her offer to be a proper friend, take her out of herself, build up her confidence, show her there's a fantastic world out there where real women don't need crappy boyfriends in order to feel worthwhile

If you have to, create an anonymous account on facebook first. "Don't stab the messenger" is a saying for a reason :o.
I wouldn't say anything to her friends, or mutual friends. Or anyone at all! IME it chinese whispers into "CeliaF is spreading shit about your BF cheating on you." Even if it IS true.

Yes , you will get blamed for spreading rumours , It will all get very messy.

Hectate - Oh no my boyfriend absolutely thinks it's a vile thing to do. He completely agrees with me in condemning it. He has always been vociferously anti-cheating and got really upset about his good friend cheating on his girlfriend once.
But, I think yes, he's probably worried that it would alienate him from the group if it looked like he had broken the ''boys' code'' and told me. All he's actually done is said it's not our place to tell her, to be fair on the guy I'm actually just guessing that that may be his reasoning.

Hmm OK consensus seems to be stay out of it. I just think the other way round, I would always want to know, but there you go.

Oh God yeah I didn't even consider that I could end up looking like a massive bitch. Eurgh.

I'd stay well out of it! Speaking from personal experience..they always shoot the messenger. And your bf will get it in the neck when it gets back that it was him who spilled the beans. If it was your best friend then obviously you would tell her but I'd stay away!

I am really surprised that people are telling you not to tell her. I think you should tell her. There are ways of doing things without coming across as a bitch and from how you come across on here, I don't think you need to worry about that. I would be livid if someone I knew (even a casual acquaintance) knew that DH had cheated on me but didn't tell me. Personally i think that telling a friend of hers would make it worse, it just turns into Chinese whispers, tell her yourself or don't tell anyone.

oh good. I'm glad.

Perhaps, as he matures (that sounds patronising, I know, sorry) he will feel more able to stand up and be counted, iyswim, because being 'in with the boys' won't feel so important.

God, that sounds patronising It's true though. Giving less of a shit about some boys club comes with age.

I wouldn't tell someone I didn't really know, information that I had got second hand.

I'd certainly not tell her now as you must be in the middle of final exams and she must do the best she can for her own future. Now you see I'm surprised too at the advice not to tell at all. I'd want to know and I'd really want to know if I was making plans for my future that accommodate this loser.

I agree with you Hecate, he can be a bit of a sucker for peer pressure sometimes (although he is very loyal to me and always stands up for me). Aren't most 21 year old uni lads a bit like that though?
Glad at least one person doesn't think I was thinking of doing the wrong thing, LadyKooKoo. I've been put off now because of the response on here though! But that's what I thought, because I'd always want to know if my boyfriend cheated - and if you're not married, with no kids, why wouldn't you want to know? I am a very non-bitchy type in person - I'm one of those annoyingly overly friendly, 'bubbly' types lol! It would be quite hard to think I was a bitch if you see what I mean? I'm very friendly to everyone but not part of the ''cool'' group.
Cogito - good advice but I don't know if she would want me to befriend her really, she's lovely but she has a big bunch of friends.

I wouldn't say I don't know her. We used to talk quite a lot and go out more in second year, now I just chat to her if I see her. I would call her a friend, but not a close friend. I did get the information second hand but my boyfriend and his mate both saw him and the girl getting off with each other, and everyone knows they went back to the other girl's place, it's like common knowledge in the group.
Nemno - you're absolutely right, that would be horrible to tell her during finals.

Aren't most 21 year old uni lads a bit like that though?

Hi. Yes. There are some that aren't though :)

I'd tell her anonymously.

How about, if, say, I told her best friend, who is a nice person, after exams? Just said to her in person 'Hey, X, I was just wondering if you'd heard that people are saying this about Y's boyfriend, I didn't know whether perhaps someone should tell her, but then again it is not really my place'. I know her friends supported her through the last break-up and then subsequent reconciliation. Or is that also a dick move because it is then shifting the responsibility to another girl?

Anonymously is a good idea. It probably sounds a bit weird that I even care that much but I just have quite a strong sense of female solidarity and I just feel that I would always want to know.
Hmmm. The split in opinions on this thread means I'm still completely undecided.

Stay out of it. Remember that you don't actually know where this man's dick has been, anyway, so all you are passing on is rumours. It's not your job to police other people's relationships - if this woman has taken him back for cheating already, she will not thank you for telling her he may be doing it again, because she's decided that she 'loves' him and will continue to do so no matter what.
With a bit of luck she will grow out of it in her own time, but there isn't anything you can do that will make the situation anything other than even messier.

Well, he's either slept with her, or he's lying about it to show off to his mates, and I would bet since my boyfriend saw him go off with her it isthe former. But fair enough perhaps staying out of it is the best option.

If it was my DD you were talking about then I would want you to tell her and she would want to be told.
To all those saying stay out of it - how the hell would you feel if it was your poor bloody daughter being made a mug of?
Hopefully the girl has enough self esteem to dump him from a great height.