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Relationships

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Original poster

He proposed but has changed his mind about marriage

27 replies

Ladyjane1 · 08/05/2012 15:47

I'm so confused about what to do and would like some advice please
My partner and I have been together for nearly 7 years, having both in relationships where we weren't appreciated by our ex's. Our divorces were going through nicely and my dp proposed, bought me an engagement ring and said he couldn't wait to make me his wife. I was over the moon. He is kind, thoughful and still to this day puts me above everyone else. I feel blessed to have found him and kinow he feels the same about the way I treat him :)
My divorce came through first and I said I wanted to change back to my maiden name but my dp asked if I would consider taking his name as it would save me having to change it again when we got married. I happily did this and was thrilled knowing we were to marry in the future.
Whilst his divorce was still going through his ex became vindictive and made trouble so things didn't go smoothly or cheaply!!!! A big hiccup occurred just before his decree nisi came through when a 'new' friend asked if we were getting married and he said...'no, it's not really necessary and besides if things go wrong it costs so much to get out of marriage'
I was devastated as you can imagine and when I asked him about it he said it was just a bit of paper and he was totally committed to me in every way. I bit my tongue and said no more thinking he may change his mind once his divorce was made final. Well it came through a year ago and he still feels the same :(
I changed my name to 'Mrs' and took his surname and know feel humiliated at being demoted back to girlfriend!!!! I've asked myself the question 'do I want marriage or the man?' and it's him every time as he makes me happy in every other way.
I feel that to gain some respect back I need to make a stand and change back to my maiden name but would still have the humiliation of explaining that I did so because my dp no longer wishes to marry me.

Please let know what you think, I'm so confused
Thanks

OP posts:

CrispyCod · 08/05/2012 15:51

Personally I would change my name back just to make a point. He has reneged on his promise of marriage which is pretty low if you ask me. He owes you an explanation.

It sounds like the 'hiccup' he went through during his divorce may have put him off marriage but he shouldn't take that out on you.

Fooso · 08/05/2012 15:56

I agree. Change your name back. You can't make him change his mind but I would definitely want to reclaim back at little of independence to be honest. Maybe when He sees you do that he might reconsider - if he doesn't then you have to decide how important being married is to you.

mercibucket · 08/05/2012 15:56

I would also change my name back. He sounds scarred by the divorce. Be careful with any finances without the protection of marriage tho

mercibucket · 08/05/2012 15:56

I would also change my name back. He sounds scarred by the divorce. Be careful with any finances without the protection of marriage tho

kittycatwoman · 08/05/2012 15:59

His divorce becoming messy has changed his mind about marriage. You cant do much to change that mind now. But change your name back.

MissFaversham · 08/05/2012 16:03

Another one here saying change your name back. Why would you want to be called "Mrs" without actually being so?

What's he like at home? Do you do the lion's share? Maybe he now thinks he has all the benefits he needs so can retract on his word.

Original poster

Ladyjane1 · 08/05/2012 16:09

MissFaversham.........This is what makes it so hard to decide.......he works part time as we are financially comfortable enough and I work full time through choice. He does all the shopping, washing and cooks most evenings. He cetainly doesn't take me for granted :)
I know his divoce has left a bad taste in his mouth but as CrispyCod said, he shouldn't take it our on me. I'm with him and he is with me because we are not like our the ex's and to think I would treat him the same should we break up is unfair.

He says he sees us being together forever and will never let me slips away from him as he knows what he has and I feel the same about him

OP posts:

Dee03 · 08/05/2012 16:18

Change your name back to your maiden name

Pickgo · 08/05/2012 16:26

He might have been put off, and I sympathize.... but I still would change my name back.

BTW everyone says they wouldn't treat their current partner badly if they split up. Sadly the reality is if you split up you often feel vindictive because of the resentments that built up leading to the split.

Strange that you say you're Mrs - isn't that only if you're married? Didn't you have to prove it?

PooPooInMyToes · 08/05/2012 16:30

I agree change it back. He shouldn't get the right to call you his wife or have you as a Mrs (if you see what I mean) without actually making the commitment. Fucking cheek actually!

lisaro · 08/05/2012 16:30

Why on earth would you call yourself 'Mrs Hisname'? Why would he bother getting married when you seem happy pretending you are?

Dee03 · 08/05/2012 20:36

Agree with Poo

Chubfuddler · 08/05/2012 20:40

A woman used to be able to sue her fiancé if he broke off an engagement.

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper, unless you have mutual wills, life insurance policies in favour of each other, and hold the legal estate in your property on a joint tenancy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2012 20:41

This is really sad. Have you told him how you feel about thinking about changing your name back and having to tell people why? I would feel awful if I had made DH feel like this. Also, TBH, I think it's pretty terrible to tell the friend that you weren't getting married in front of you after having proposed.

Change your name back, explain why you are hurt and stop using Mrs. when you aren't one.

AThingInYourLife · 08/05/2012 20:44

"He says he sees us being together forever and will never let me slips away from him as he knows what he has"

It doesn't sound like it.

If he knew what he had and didn't want you to slip away he would honour his promise to marry you.

I agree that you should change your name back and take steps to protect your finances.

AThingInYourLife · 08/05/2012 20:46

Oh yeah and Mrs is right - that was a real dick move breaking off your engagement by mentioning it to a friend in front of you.

How much of a git was your ex exactly?

RandomMess · 08/05/2012 20:49

My dp didn't want a wedding he wanted a marriage, I was terrified of getting married again.

We compromised, had a small wedding and we are now married, it hasn't been plain sailing but marriage is different.

I would hand back the ring and change my name back to maiden one. Actions speak louder than words.

Aussiebean · 09/05/2012 00:29

Hi Lady Jane.

I am with the others here. But I just wanted to emphasise the point that you will not be protected financially if you aren't married. There are plenty of threads here about people splitting and the difference in support between those married and those not is a little scary. Especially if you go on to have children.

The poster who said that marriage is not just a piece of paper was REALLY right. If you give up work to look after children you will be entitled to a share of his pension. Without marriage you won't get anything.

(please correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that is correct. Australia is very different so I may have some of the details wrong) but you should be clear on what you are entitled to.

If he questions it tell him that you can't guarantee that HE won't treat YOU badly in the event of a separation And you need to protect yourself, especially as now he won't commit to you. He seems to be worried about what you will do to him, without considering what he could do to you.

Change your name, a little embarrassment now is nothing compared to what you may go through later. My cousin had to cancel her wedding, when her ex backed out. Embarrassing sure, but now is is married to someone else, has two children and I can't even remember her exs name.

Keep your finances separate and clear. Get a solicitor to draw up documents stating clearly what is yours and what is his.

He may find this harsh, as may you, but it might be the jolt that he needs to understand that you do not feel committed to.

And give the ring back.

Good luck

LadyWithEDS · 09/05/2012 00:36

I am with the others, get your name changed back to your maiden name officially and hand him back the ring. I would almost suggest handing back the ring and announcing the name change infront of your friend when he was there, to let him feel the humiliation he put you through, that would be as low as his wimpy behaviour though.

TheSecondComing · 09/05/2012 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

henrysmama2012 · 09/05/2012 01:25

He sounds like a dick to me - for proposing, then telling some friend in front of you that he wasn't interested in getting married anymore. If he's changed his mind that's one thing (bad, but if he'd had a long conversation with you to explain why, that might make it a bit better)-but the way this guy let you know was pretty horrible - at least that's my opinion.!

Sallyingforth · 09/05/2012 10:40

He's been hurt by a failed marriage and a messy, expensive divorce. He doesn't want to risk that again.
You can't persuade him to marry you - if you manage it he will be resentful.
Tell him that you feel a fraud using his name when you are not married, and you are going back to your maiden name.
I don't know where the 'Mrs' came from, or even whether it's legal. You must drop that anyway.

OneHandFlapping · 09/05/2012 10:50

God knows why you changed your name anyway. Do people still do this? Haven't we moved on from dreamily scrawling "Mrs Brad Pitt" etc on our school pencil cases?

Heleninahandcart · 09/05/2012 11:28

Start using your maiden name, why would you keep changing your name anyway? I know this is not your main issue but to me it speaks volumes about the attitudes and expectations of both of you. The bigger issue does need sorting, I suggest you both need to decide what you want most and back this up with actions.

marygoround · 09/05/2012 12:06

I think alarm bells should have rang when he suggested you change your name : ( he wants all the benefits off a wife without the legal protection it would give you.

If he hasn't changed his mind you need to change your name back. Flog the ring - and tell him its because he's broken off the engagement. Dont give him it back - you didnt break things off.

Personally I'd be livid not because he wont marry you but because he has humiliated you in front of his friends, and conned you into changing your name.

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