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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just come back from shopping to find DCs home alone!!?!!

47 replies

chipping · 07/05/2012 21:20

I only went out for 20 minutes, left DH in charge.

Came back to find DC2 (teenager) looking after DC 3 & 4, & doing homework with DC3, not having a clue what is happening.

No sign of DH, have tried mobile, no answer. DC 3 & 4 now in bed. Me fuming ... Dh apparently had an argument with DC3 (aged 8) & walked out.

This is a long line in very strange behaviour from DH.

I think leaving the house & not telling anyone is completely out of order. feel like putting the chain on the door, but DC1 is due in later.

Earlier on today I tried to discuss DHs attitude towards me (name calling etc), it didn't go very well. Dh is going through a lot at the moment, & taking it out on me but I have had enough, it's gone on for over a year now, & it's affecting my self esteem, my confidence. I don't know how much more I can put up with.

We are married, we took the vows, but ...

OP posts:

ErikNorseman · 07/05/2012 21:39

That is truly awful.

AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 21:43

....but he is trashing them

this isn't to be tolerated, OP

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 07/05/2012 21:44

How does an adult have an argument with an 8 year old? Good grief, how old is your teen? Hope you're ok.

izzyizin · 07/05/2012 21:44

Some vows are made to be broken.

Get yourself to a solicitor who specialies in divorce and family law and who offers a free half hour initial consultation so that you know where you stand if push comes to you having to shove him out of the marital home for good.

Is there a specific cause of his 'strange behaviour' or is he generally an arse who can't be relied on?

SugarPasteHedgehog · 07/05/2012 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo · 07/05/2012 21:48

Is he having some sort of breakdown or is he an arse? If an arse, send a text telling him not to bother coming home tonight. If you think a breakdown, tell him he has to get help as a condition of being in the family home - you can't trust him in charge of the DCs now, obviously.

Lueji · 07/05/2012 21:50

I'm with Sugar.

Who on earth walks out after an argument with an 8 year old?

TooEasilyTempted · 07/05/2012 21:51

Well I don't think leaving a teenager in charge of a couple of children for 20 minutes is unreasonable.

However, walking out of the house after arguing with an 8 year old is odd.

You mentioned other 'strange behaviour'. Do you think your DH is having some kind of mental health crisis?

Original poster

chipping · 07/05/2012 21:55

i think he is just being an arse.

i am so angry at the moment. I have a lawyer, & have had my free half hour.

DH has said he feels so sorry for the children, that their mother wants them to be from a 'broken home' !!!!!!!!

This is all because I won't accept name calling. I won't accept 'how he is'. I have my own mind & my own views. He was all 'women rule the world' when we met.

yes, kids can be infuriating - that's their job! and whenever they are infuriating, argumentative, etc DH says it is because I have put them up to it.

Thanks for posting - I need lots of strength at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

chipping · 07/05/2012 21:57

thing is, the teenager didn't know he was in charge. it was only when DC3 asked him to help with his h/wk that he realised.

OP posts:

Babylon1 · 07/05/2012 21:57

Do you have any idea where he may have gone?

AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 21:58

of course, chipping

my teenager is often in charge

but her parents don't strop out of the house without telling her !

it sounds like your teenager possesses more maturity than your H

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 07/05/2012 22:00

Oh Chipping. For a start don't let him make you feel guilty about the 'broken home' crap.
Any sign of DC1 yet? Were theDCs upset when you got in?
As much as any parent gets upset by their kids sometimes, does not mean you can storm out IMO.

Lueji · 07/05/2012 22:01

So, he feels so sorry for the children that he left them without even telling them he was leaving?

SharpObject · 07/05/2012 22:04

has DC2 looked after the younger children for you in the past?

Just trying to find out if it is normal behaviour for DC2 to be put in charge for a short amount of time.

I'd love to leave the house during one of DD2's 8y old tantrum throwing but you just don't do you!!!

Sorry you are being put through this.

badtasteflump · 07/05/2012 22:05

That's disgusting - yes a (responsible) teen can watch younger siblings for a while, but only when the teen knows they're supposed to be doing it

And more at your H walking out after an argument with an 8 year old! He is supposed to be the adult - seriously - is he having some kind of breakdown? It just sounds like such a wierd thing to do.

Not that it takes away at all from the fact that you (and your DC) shouldn't have to put up with that shit.

Did the lawyer manage to clarify things for you?

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/05/2012 22:07

"Broken home"? I assume by that he means a home where he isn't present, just like he wasn't present when he walked out on the DCs?

OP, he says that he wants you to accept him who he is. What he means is accept his behaviour no matter how hurtful or damaging to you and the DCs.

leguminous · 07/05/2012 22:08

"whenever they are infuriating, argumentative, etc DH says it is because I have put them up to it."

What the hell? That's what kids do! How are you supposed to co-parent with someone when they blame the children's bad behaviour on you??

CinnabarRed · 07/05/2012 22:08

I find your H's behaviour genuinely shocking, and it takes quite a bit to shock me after lurking around here for a fair few months. I imagine your 8 year old might be scared and feeling to blame - I hope s/he is OK.

Original poster

chipping · 07/05/2012 22:10

there is something else that I would appreciate your opinion on :-

A few months age I sold a house, I was also in the process of opening up new bank accounts. I asked DH if I could deposit some money in his account until the accounts were up & running. It was £20k approx. I asked for it back & had to wait a few months - he had used it for gambling, without asking, doubled the money & eventually gave me my £20k back.

He has since lost the £20k that he made. Just an example of what he is like. He earns over £100k pa yet he has a huge gambling habit & debts, that I'm not supposed to know about.

OP posts:

fabulousdarling · 07/05/2012 22:17

Well, I wonder if your DH is struggling to cope mentally with things at the moment. Perhaps he knows your relationship is on the brink and he fears losing everything that's important to him? Are there other stress factors affecting his judgement and exacerbating the situation?

I think you need to see past the fact that he left the children alone for a while (although you're quite angry) I'm sure he loves his DC and would never want any harm to come to them. Most teenagers can cope supervising children for twenty minutes or so.

Also I can say that there are times I have left my house after losing my temper with one or all of my DCs. Not directly because of them, but because it was just the thin edge of a wedge that had lots of other accumulating factors i.e. Had a bad day, feeling like I'm repeating myself for the twenty-fifth time., feeling unappreciated etc.

At times like that I've gone for short walk around the block so that a) I don't take it out on the family - say something inappropriate, make it worse. b) Find some calm - de-stress. Perhaps your husband was actually seeking to remove himself before losing his temper completely? Or needed time out to think and recalibrate.

AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 22:17

how can you trust this man ?

Lueji · 07/05/2012 22:19

Our opinion doesn't really matter.
The question is, do you want to live like that?

Original poster

chipping · 07/05/2012 22:20

I've read posts in 'relationships', I've felt anger at what other women have gone throug/ are going through & frustration that they are in situations that seem (on the outside, looking in) easy to leave.

I think it is very much to do with self esteem. Sometimes it is battered & brought down to a level where you really don't know who you are or what you are worth.

I'm not at that lowest point, but can now see how easy it it to get there.

OP posts:

fabulousdarling · 07/05/2012 22:21

Have you both talked about the gambling problem?

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