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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just come back from shopping to find DCs home alone!!?!!

47 replies

chipping · 07/05/2012 21:20

I only went out for 20 minutes, left DH in charge.

Came back to find DC2 (teenager) looking after DC 3 & 4, & doing homework with DC3, not having a clue what is happening.

No sign of DH, have tried mobile, no answer. DC 3 & 4 now in bed. Me fuming ... Dh apparently had an argument with DC3 (aged 8) & walked out.

This is a long line in very strange behaviour from DH.

I think leaving the house & not telling anyone is completely out of order. feel like putting the chain on the door, but DC1 is due in later.

Earlier on today I tried to discuss DHs attitude towards me (name calling etc), it didn't go very well. Dh is going through a lot at the moment, & taking it out on me but I have had enough, it's gone on for over a year now, & it's affecting my self esteem, my confidence. I don't know how much more I can put up with.

We are married, we took the vows, but ...

OP posts:

badtasteflump · 07/05/2012 22:23

So you can't trust him with your (and his!) children, or your money. He calls you names and puts you down. When you try to talk about how unhappy you are, he doesn't listen.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life with this man? And do you want your DCs to grow up with him as their role model?

TheHappyHissy · 07/05/2012 22:24

Sometimes you have to see the bottom to get yourself back up.

Your H leaving the kids ALONE without telling anyone, kinda sounds a good enough reason for you to pull the plug on the whole thing.

What would YOU suggest to someone in YOUR situation. What would you tell her to do, for the best?

Lueji · 07/05/2012 22:28

It is possible that he is having a breakdown, although a year is a long time.
However, unless he comes back this evening taking responsibility and accepting to change his behaviour (and you should confront him at some point, unless he got drunk or something), I suspect you'll have to be prepared to end it all to kick him into action.

The difficult part may be for you to be clear to yourself about what behaviour is a deal breaker.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 07/05/2012 22:31

He was bambling your money? God I'm sorry that alone would have made me have a trial separation whilst he had counselling.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 07/05/2012 22:31

gambling obviously

Original poster

chipping · 07/05/2012 22:37

DH doesn't think the gambling is a problem - he only gambles what he can afford to lose.

so for that is over £200k

OP posts:

fabulousdarling · 07/05/2012 22:39

Honestly, I think there must be something serious going on in his head for him to have just upped and left without so much as a by-your-leave. It really isn't normal behaviour.

Original poster

chipping · 07/05/2012 22:41

to DH, it is normal behaviour.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 22:44

Original poster

chipping · 07/05/2012 22:44

To DH I am the abnormal one. I don't understand the level of arrogance that is his way of thinking. He has suggested that I seek counselling - which I did.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 22:46

hopefully, the counselling is causing a lightbulb to come on in your head

him "suggesting" you do that, could very well be his downfall

Original poster

chipping · 07/05/2012 22:49

DC1 is home. I can put the chain on the door.

OP posts:

Original poster

chipping · 07/05/2012 22:50

Have just explained what happened to DC1, he said, well you know what DH is like, in some ways he's just a kid himself.

wise words (DH is almost 60)

OP posts:

leguminous · 07/05/2012 22:52

Oh jeeze. :( It sounds like he's not coping with life and on one level I feel for him - but nonetheless, if he can't be trusted not to take massive risks with your money and he can't deal well with the kids, then he needs to be seriously looking at sorting himself out. A year's worth of unpleasantness and name calling on top of that would have pretty much exhausted my good will.

By itself, leaving the kids to be watched by the teenager wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me (though the way he did it was certainly not OK). Add the rest of it all together and I'd want to see some real recognition on his part that his behaviour was sending things pear-shaped. Instead it kind of sounds like he's blaming you. Bleh. I'm all about for better, for worse, but you have to be able to see a way through the bad times. If he's not willing to talk about it, and instead tries to guilt you into putting up with his crap by bringing the children into it, then I'm not sure how or when it's going to change. :(

lucyellensmumnamechange · 07/05/2012 22:56

Gosh, id be worried about him if he wasn't such a cunt - £200K lost in gambling?

fabulousdarling · 07/05/2012 22:58

Neaarly 60. Is it a very very delayed midlife crisis?

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 07/05/2012 23:08

Chipping The very fact your Dh says you're the abnormal one (to the extent you sort counselling) means there's something either very wrong with him, or he's simply a very manipulative, controlling and dangerous person.

I know there are two sides to every story and all that, and I try not to make huge sweeping statements online to strangers...but I honestly would dread to think of what life with him would hold in store for you.
I would, in all seriousness, separate. Giving him the chance to seek help and understand what you're unhappy with (gambling/abandoning childen/put downs etc etc) and seek futher legal advice if he still thinks you are always wrong.

BurningBridges · 07/05/2012 23:23

How long have you been together? Has he always been like this or is it something new? Just guessing but based on my own experience he may have had a breakdown/mid-life crisis that wasn't dealt with at the time and this is the long term fall out - assume you'd know or have some clues though if that was the cause?

sadanduseless · 08/05/2012 00:22

Where was your DH tonight? Do you know yet? Seems very suspicious!

pumpkinsweetie · 08/05/2012 00:30

Seems odd to use an argument with an 8 yr old as an excuse to walk out the house, obviously leaving an 8 y old alone with teenagers is fine if they are responsible & actually know they are babysitting but in this case it doesn't sound so

He has some explaining to do as he sounds like a petulent child who needs to grow up and admit what the truth actually is??

NunTheWiser · 08/05/2012 00:34

Gambling 200K away is not normal. Even if you could afford it, what could that money have done for you and your family if you still had it? Financial security for the children, paying for uni fees etc.
Name calling is not normal.
Abandoning your children and having the gall to say it is because you argued with an eight year old is not normal.
You and your children deserve so much better than this.

janelikesjam · 08/05/2012 02:30

Serious gambling i.e. financial irresponsibility/abuse is a serious no-no in my book, and its a very factual thing that cannot really be argued away like who said what/meant what.

I would imagine that this issue alone would make you feel very insecure and stressed, but I'm only guessing here.

If it were me, I would want to protect my financial position, so that would be the end of it. Sorry, I can't be more positive.

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